PlasticInsanity

Please nobody take this the wrong way; I mean this in no disrespect towards anybody.

Hopefully nobody else has to feel the same way. After reading "After the Tears", I'm happy to know that the reason my younger sister doesn't seem to be as affected as I am is because I protected her from it (the 'umbrella affect'), but sometimes I want to kick and scream that I'm the only one dealing with all of this crap. It just doesn't seem fair at times that while everyone's still going about their life, I'm still being held down by feelings of worthlessness. Why do I take things the wrong way and freak out? Why am I still depressed after all these years? We were all around his drinking for the same amount of time - why am I the one who was pushed to the brink of suicide and forced to seek help?

Sometimes, I wonder why my parents had me when they were clearly not ready for children. They had me, and two years later my sister. Drinking yourself into a blacked out state every weekend is a clear sign that you're not ready for a family. and sadly, you'll be too drunk to even recognize the damage you're doing. I attempted suicide when I was 16, and sometimes dream if only I had jumped when I had the chance.

My niece just turned 3 in April, and she is my reason that I cannot give up. She's the reason why I'm still walking down this hard road of recovery. I wouldn't ever take my life because that means throwing her life "into the wind" so to speak, and I'm trying to make my purpose in life now as to stop this disaster from affecting her and any future generations.

but sometimes, I really wish I wasn't the only "crazy" one in the family..

<< this made me laugh.

OhBoy

It affects every one differently. I'd bet it has affected your sister & maybe you can't see it. Maybe she is good at hiding it. My older sister doesn't seem affected by it, but I was the one who took on my AF's disease. I cried, screamed, kicked, begged, bartered & anything else I could do to get him to stop. My sister was silent. She still is. Maybe you aren't the only crazy one. With me, I am in tune with my craziness & it is very obvious to me, I deal with it everyday. My sister seems "normal", though I doubt she is, she keeps it locked down pretty tight.

I know I am the one dealing with all this crap, is it fair? To be honest, it wouldn't matter if it wasn't. I can only change how I react, how I deal with things. If I compare my insanity to hers, I add to mine & I really don't need that pile of manure to get any bigger!

Freak outs? OH YEAH! I was GREAT at that! Hell hath no fury like a ACoA/uber-codependent in the midst of a "justified" freakout! Oh those poor souls who had to deal with me. But I was right, yeah right! One of the toughest but easiest things for me is to NOT react. It is hard because I am trained to react. But, if I don't react, everything is easier. I only need a short burst of strength to get past that reaction whereas if I do react I need a lot of strength to endure the freak out & dealing with the freakout long after it is over. I start by recognizing that when something upsets me, I have a choice, react or leave it. Sometimes we have to react, but it is the wisdom to know the difference that is the difference. Sometimes I have to say the serenity prayer over & over until it passes. When it does pass I feel awesome for two reasons.
One, I didn't react! Yeah me!
Two, I don't have to deal with all that crap for an extended period of time, it already passed!

As far as being the only crazy one, you have a whole barrel full of crazies here on this site! We are professional crazies! I guess I can't REALLY speak for everyone, but I am most definitely speaking for me! So any time you feel alone with yer crazy self, throw up a post here & join the party!

Thanks for posting this, it was an exploration for me.
OhBoy

PlasticInsanity

Thanks for the response! You're right; my sister's been affected (maybe not as much, but still) and to compare our end results won't do any good. Nor will saying "it isn't fair". It's not, but neither are many parts of life.

I smiled at the freakout part. I've been known for screaming freak-outs since I was 11 or 12. Maybe even before but my memory fades. Most of my justified freakouts had the main principle of the point lost amidst my insults thrown into the screaming match.

DesertEyes

I used to feel exactly the same way. ACoA cured me of that. Yours truly is not crazy, never was. My problem is that I kept comparing my "insides" to everybody else's "outsides". I would compare my out of control emotions to their calm, serene and undisturbed exterior.

Thing is, I can put on a very calm, controlled exterior too. I can pretend to be unperturbed. I can look perfectly normal on the outside. And if I tanked up on Valiums I bet I would look like a floating marshmallow of serenity

I don't know about anybody else. The reason I took things the wrong way is because I did not know any other way to take them. After I spent a little time in ACoA and a couple good therapists I learned other ways, and then I no longer freaked out.

Oh yes, I had the exact same question. Except I kept asking them, hoping to get a sensible answer. Today I know the reason my parents had me is because they were drunk and messing around in the back of a car. I would not be surprised if they were in a blackout at the time. I think they stayed together because they could not find any other person sick enough to take them it.

My parents were not ready for life, the children were just another accident that happened to them, along with all the other accidents that happen to people who are in a constant state of intoxication.

Now see, where I come from that is a clear indication of "sanity". To me that means you have a sense of responsibility towards your niece, something my alcoholic parents never had.

In ACoA we call that "breaking the chain". My parents come from generations of abusive, alcoholic losers. I'm the first one to seek recovery and _stop_ the chain of chaos that gets passed from one generation to the next.

I've heard a joke; the only way to find the one sane person in the lunatic asylum is to look for the person who looks crazy. That's the way it was in my family. They all maintained a great outward appearance of normalcy. I was the only one that kept yelling "they're drunks" !!!

Mike

EveningRose

It's easy to feel that way. I have had moments of thinking it really sucks (pardon the disgusting current lingo, but it's so appropro) that I got to take the brunt of the blaming and scapegoating and my sister, through pure luck, became the golden child who can do no wrong--and she actually thinks this says something about reality and feels just fine about jumping on the bandwagon and telling me how I need to shape up...etc.

It's not fair.

But that's only a small part of the puzzle. The rest of the story is that I look back at her past, at how she's lived, the many boyfriends she's most likely slept with, the tattoos, piercings, drinking, kegger parties, bragging about various things--all of which leave me feeling she's trying awfully hard to prove something, trying awfully hard to make a mark and be memorable. I've never felt the need to do any of that.

My friend keeps saying she looks so sad all the time.

I look at her marriage, and I'm not going into the reasons why, but I have some concerns about how long she'll be happy with it and with him. I don't trust the guy. There's something off about him, but hey, she's a rebel, she got the type of guy she wanted, or thought she wanted.

I know she wants a close sisterly relationship with me and because of her upbringing, she can't see how she herself has nearly killed any chance of that ever happening.

So, really, she's a victim, too.

PlasticInsanity

That made me remember something I realized the other day. The only reason I pursued researching adult children of alcoholics was because the subject was brought up to me when I sought help because I sought help for depression; at the time I was scared about how I'd make it week to week. I was constantly paranoid that I was going to majorly fail in some sort of way - and that I was going to be "found out", and starting thinking of suicide. If I hadn't been pushed to that point, I may never have looked into it. I may have continued weekend-binge drinking, instead of seeing that there's more to life than being blacked-out drunk.

My sister and I will randomly talk about it - a bit more lately since I took out the book After The Tears from the library - but I was around my dad's drinking than she was; I stayed home and she went out with friends. lol it sucks I'm the only one trying to do something about this, but I guess I should be glad that at least somebody is doing something.

PlasticInsanity

I see what you mean. My niece's "father" is an addict; they've been off'n'on since before she was born, and the only reason they're together now is because of my niece. He hasn't kept a job longer than 3 months since Chloe was born, in and out of jail, barely gives anything for child support, and he comes around in spurts. His family barely tries to make contact, so she's closest with the 4 of us - Papa, Nana, Tee-Tee (me, short for auntie) and Mom.

I feel somewhat shameful when I say this, it feels like bragging; but she's probably the closest with me since I'm the one who will take the time to sit down and play with her giving undivided attention - whether it's laying on the floor, or going on the jungle jim. I let her climb on me, and I play-wrestle a bit with her (gently, of course). My sister at times still acts like a teenager (on her cell phone, impatient, etc), my mom is great but at times won't pay attention or she's distracted by something else, and my dad will give a bit of attention but he's used to doing this own thing.