becky1982

It's been five months since my last post, and I'm back in crazy land with AH. Just read my old posts and the wonderful responses i got. AH has been on suboxone since march, after he FINALLY admitted he had relapsed when he tried to give me watered down coffee instead of urine for a drug test...I'm a nurse so its just absurd. But I guess I believed so many other stupid things...so the agreement at that time was see a counselor by himself, take suboxone, work and contribute financially, no lies. Well, he has been taking subs but not the full dose he should, he sells the rest, hoards money, lies about money, says he's going to work and doesnt, says he has not gotten paid but already has, no counseling, no financial help, still being emotionally abusive. I think he has smoked crack since he's been on suboxone but I can't prove it. I confronted him the other day about lying and said we need to live separately, he said I'm a f-ing idiot, I'm stupid, I'm crazy, I'm ruining our marriage by not being "supportive", I treated him better when he was using, he's gonna end up back on pills cuz of me, blah blah quack quack. I think I'm really done, I deserve better and I feel more peaceful when hes not around. So I'm telling him he must move out, at least for awhile and we'll see how it goes. What should I expect next to all those who have walked this path before me?

Thanks in advance!

Ann

I haven't been in your shoes, my son is my addicted loved one, but I wanted to send a hug and assure you that indeed you deserve better, and good for you for knowing that already.

Hugs

becky1982

I have thought about that possibility, luckily the house is in my name only, I'm the only one who pays the bills and mortgage, my bank accounts are separate, I'm employed and sober, so I think the courts will be on my side, just really wish I didn't have to do all that, but I will. Sometimes this little voice creeps up inside me that says I'm being unfair and I feel pangs of intense guilt, why is that? How do I stop that feeling from becoming too strong and stay clear and not vacillate? He already said "your not taking me away from my daughter!" So you can see his stance...

outtolunch

What a bunch of HOOEY.

His addiction is taking him away from his bio daughter. Active addicts and those new to recovery are not competent to parent.

becky1982

I know! This is a person who takes zero responsibility, almost to the point of delusion. When I told him I was having a hard time trusting him because he is still lying and has deceived me many times in the past he says "deceived? I never deceived you". We go nowhere fast. And that is why I'm done.

becky1982

Yup I've hit bottom.

Farfalla

Thank you for sharing. I have been in your shoes. I am still wearing them. Are you a size 10 too?
I made sure I had everything separated out financially. I had my own bank accounts. I had my own credit cards. Removed my name from all utilities. I placed anything of value in a safety deposit box. I then asked my AH to leave and I would stay in the marital home with the kids. He told me to "get the F out" and that it was his "house". My name is on the deed but NOT on the mortgage note. Only his name is on the note. Fine. I packed myself and my kids' belongings. I then left and moved to my parents. When I moved into my parents I established residency there and was able to have my drivers license address changed and my cars registered to that address. My two cars (my car and my daughters) I own only. I also since I established residency with my new address was able to get our own car insurance policy removing us and our cars from his policy (never cancelling his policy). I made sure I changed my address at my place of employment because I needed my paystubs with my new address for many things I had to change over.
Did the craziness stop? No! He continues crazy on a daily basis. However, I have a choice to engage or not.
I also had to obtain a permanent restraining order. The order also gives me sole 100% custody of our minor child. He is allowed supervised visitation. Doesn't happen too much and when it does the kids are not right after. I just recently decided to stop all visitation until he gets cleaned up for the health of my children. He will never fight me on this. My daughter is 19, my son is 14.
Just my experience.
Hugs. Please take care of you.
Marlene

becky1982

(((marlene)))
Thank you for sharing your story, your strength is truly inspiring.

lesliej

I just want to let you know that the blaming does not stop...in fact sometimes it will continue to live in the most insidious fashion...inside of "false amends and apologies" suddenly, when the cards are down, and the addict senses you really mean business...he may decide to play the trump cards of kindness, understanding, remorse...

it's not necessarily intelligence or intent that drives the manipulation and the horrid cruelty of false remorse...or shall I say "premature remorse"...it just works so often that it is a tried and true method of hooking the vulnerable codependent.

it is a premature remorse because I just in no way believe that ANYONE in recovery can fully understand the sick damaging affects of their addiction until a really SOLID chuck of time has passed...and that time spent actively WORKING a recovery plan

this goes for ALL of us...addict and codependent.

my ex recently contacted me and started throwing the net...a wide net
blaming, twisted curve balls, nice guy tactics, etc etc

I/we CANNOT engage
I know for a fact that he has not been clean over two months (IF EVEN)
and I am working very hard, accomplishing a lot of healing and detachment but I am in NO WAY ready to twist back into those evil velvet tentacles...even the three short messages I rcv'd have taken me right back into days of somewhat obsessive thinking

this is why NO CONTACT is so necessary (or as CLOSE as you can get to it with a marriage and child interest to figure out)

it is pure insanity.
with you in spirit, Leslie

Learn2Live

[QUOTE=becky1982;3517643]Sometimes this little voice creeps up inside me that says I'm being unfair and I feel pangs of intense guilt, why is that? How do I stop that feeling from becoming too strong and stay clear and not vacillate?[QUOTE]
By understanding that every single thing that comes out of his rotten mouth is a manipulation to get you to continue holding him up and enabling him and his sick way of thinking. By understanding that THE BEST and MOST LOVING thing you can do for him is actually to turn your back on him and stop supporting him in any way. By understanding that you cannot help him and you cannot control what he does and that the healthiest thing you can do for you and your child is let.him.go.

FindingErica

Welcome back! I'm a relative newcomer too and also an RN. Recently left my AH, fortunately our mutually owned home had a buyer- closes finally next week and AH was out of state (since April) where he was supposed to be working and securing a home. Instead he was on a drug vacation on my nickel and I was left here to pick up the pieces and rebuild a life with the kids- I have 3. Its been 6 weeks since I found a rental. Less than 2 months since I got the full scoop on how bad AH had gotten.

You've got this, you don't even have to move. Get a restraining order and make the local police aware of your situation.

Yes, I also have those pangs of guilt, like I am kicking him when he is down. Ive filed divorce papers and we are just waiting to see if he will get served- no home address and unsure if he really works where he claims. I'm going for sole custody with supervised visitation, don't know if it will hold. I do feel badly like I am destroying my family and taking his kids away. That is why I am surrounding myself with solid support people who remind me of reality- that his addiction and verbal/emotional abuse caused this. You will work through the guilt better if you have limited contact because it is his addiction that caused this. 5 more months you have given him, more than enough time.

crazybabie

Becky, did you ever attend meetings before? If so it might be a good time to start back or step up if not it might be a good time to start keep strong.

becky1982

Thank you so much for your replies. Lesliej you have such a way with words, velvet tenticles- I know just what you mean. I am terrified of the trump card of sweetness and sadness, its very difficult to see him in pain. I want to hold him and tell him everything is alright, but I realize that's just who I am. I would never want to change the part of me that feels tremendous compassion for people who are hurting, but the more compassionate thing is to save my life and the life of our children, and maybe his life, by letting him go. The dysfunction in our home goes in all directions, and i know he is not happy the way things are either. I wonder if you truly are ever 100% sure about these things. I'm not, but I just have to keep it simple: he is lying, he doesn't want recovery, and i cannot accept a marriage of lies. Maybe some people can and I know they do, and maybe that's right to do for children, you stick it out and keep up appearances, but if I did that I would be dead inside, and my daughters would grow up to accept unacceptable things in their marriages or worse. I have to keep telling myself its ok to get divorced, its ok to get divorced, its my right as a human being to be free.

Made the girls waffles today, he's still sleeping....and I'm sad today.

lesliej

of course there is going to be sadness...but you might also discover that there is going to be a fair amount of relief and some pockets of joy that will emerge as you let go in tangible terms...and that relief and joy will grow and progress too.

I don't believe whatsoever in keeping up appearances

even my parents, who don't use drugs or alcohol any longer, but who use rage, codependency and dysfunction...have kept up appearances for over 50 years and it is a godawful thing to witness. its horrible. its palpable...and they probably pride themselves in their marriage longevity...but its been dead and rotting in the water for decades.

kids have to suffer through dealing with the mascarade, the bitterness, the resentment and triangulation of parents...not fair, and only because the parents are not real enough about their own reality.

onward thru the fog grrrrl...there is sunshine of the spirit on the other side of the storm

becky1982

My parents have also been doin the happy marriage masquerade for 30 years, always said I would NEVER do that.

Faithlove

You absolutely deserve better! I agree that you should get a plan together and be prepared for your AH to be super mad, then super sweet and sorry. I don't know if you know anything about the Wheel of Domestic Violence but I'm starting to think that the way addicts behave and keep their spouses on a perpetual rollercoaster is similar to what DV perps do. They have their blow-up/relapse, then they're sorry and they'll never do it again, they go to meetings and work on their recovery, they're more responsible and help w/ kids and around the house, maybe even work, etc.; then it starts building up again- they start missing meetings, they pick at you, slowly become more controlling, start with little lies, start calling off work because they're "sick," etc., until they've relapsed again and you're left wondering what in the world just happened?
I'm not assuming this is how it is for you, but I think it's how it is for me.
My prayers are with you and your kids. You're stronger than you know.

FindingErica

Faith love, you are so right, I can see that cycle so clearly. In fact when AH would tear into me about whatever, when it was over I would be made but I would comfort myself knowing the next time I saw him, he would be Mr. Sweet Apologetic Helpful Mate.

lightseeker

this is really tough stuff. I was unable to get my husband out without legal help. And of course, his pleas and reassurances increased when he knew that "this time" was different. He has pulled out every stop and said everything (from kind to mean) that might sway me.

It's been hard - but you are right....you do know when it is time. And especially, if you have kids. I left my husband 15 months ago and in that time I've had a number of difficulties with my 18 year old son. He has developed a marijuana habit (don't want to get into it with those that don't believe you can be addicted to it) and he has been unkind and "lippy" to me. At one point, I said "you weren't brought up to behave this way".....and his response was "oh yes I was". I hoped that what he saw would make make him resolved to be the opposite and how wrong I was.

I share my story just so you have more support and possibly even a little more resolve to do what is best for you and your children. I am committed to healthy behaviors so I will stay the course with my kids and hopefully, things will improve.

My heart has been heavy at times and I've had a whole lot of grief....but I also have serenity and peace in my life. If I had stayed I would be right where I was....and that was no where good...for me....for my kids.

You are likely to receive a whole lot of push back from him and a whole lot of promises and accusations. Please keep posting and know that you have a place where you are able to get a reality check. You are not closing the door on him - you are seeking a place where you and your kids can be healthy. I've always kept that stance with my husband (ie work a program, get a sponsor, go to meetings, completely sober) and that has helped me to realize that ALL of this is his choice....why in the world would anyone want to live with someone that is unhealthy, in active addiction, lying, etc. He pushed me to the point where I just can't stand it anymore - and I'm not willing to stay emotionally drunk to stay with him.

becky1982

(((faithlove))) thank you! You are so right on about the Wheel of Abuse. There's a lot of hypercriticism, name calling, accusations of cheating, my gym clothes are too form fitting, I'm an unfit mother, and the latest: I'm in a postpartum depression that's causing me to want to leave my marriage, and that's why i left my older daughters father when she was an infant (not because he was smoking crack, lying, and squandering away all our money). Everytime I start to feel guilty about what I'm planning I remind myself that I'm in an abusive and oppressive marriage, and anyone would and should leave. I met with my counselor today, she is very supportive and said its absolutely time. My plan thus far is I'm waiting until my older daughter goes on a trip this Saturday for a week to ask him to leave. I'm going to write him a letter and have him read it with me there. That's all I got so far....
(((lightseeker))) thank you so much for putting in such a clear way just what I'm seeking- work a program, get help, be sober, give us space to heal and get healthy, I have serious doubts he will do those things as he is adamant he does NOT have a problem, but if I were him I would go to ANY LENGTH to save my family from the consequences of my addiction. I did, and I've been sober five years, and I can't sacrifice my sobriety for anyone, no matter how much I love him. If i stay in this marriage that will be the next thing to fall apart I'm sure.

Vale

Best defense is a good offense.
Correcting ones deficiencies is hard,and takes time and guts.
Attacking one's evaluators,on the other hand....is easy.

OK.....hmmmmm......what are her soft targets?

1.weight:always a sure winner.....some will turn themselves into
skeletons to fix this one.Skeletons that see fat people in the mirror.

2.cheating:another oldie but a goodie.I guess when you smiled at the grocery
guy for some real (or imagined )kindness......WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS!

3.Unfit mother? Sometimes ordinary ordnance just won't cut it and it's time
to go nuclear! Cutting to her very core identity.

I am not a gal.But if I tried that on MY wife I would DEARLY hope that she would
counter with......

"Yeah,as a matter of fact I AM doing some guy.One that appreciates my value in
the mating market and adores me just the way I am.Unlike you,he takes terrific care
of himself,is a fantastic provider,and thinks I'm a great Mom.Since we have a history,
I have been trying DESPERATELY to give you every chance.But I am NOT worth nothing
and won't be treated like I am...

Fish or cut bait!

Your sobriety is priceless.
Non-negotiable.