finally ready to separate from AH
Becky, my AH accuses me of cheating, being a bad mom, bad housekeeper, nagging b*tch, lazy, uppity (love that one), fat, unappreciative...etc. he pulled all that out during the conversation where I was telling him I was leaving. I just stayed calm and kept countering with, "well you are free, you don't have to put up with a _____ wife anymore." it was very freeing to just stop him in his tracks, not buy into the manipulation.
Becky, my AH accuses me of cheating, being a bad mom, bad housekeeper, nagging b*tch, lazy, uppity (love that one), fat, unappreciative...etc. he pulled all that out during the conversation where I was telling him I was leaving. I just stayed calm and kept countering with, "well you are free, you don't have to put up with a _____ wife anymore." it was very freeing to just stop him in his tracks, not buy into the manipulation.
It's amazing to me how I was so blind to how truly awful it has been for me to live with someone who has been methodically breaking me down for years, keeping me slightly off balance and feeling guilty about being a subpar wife. It has been a covert attack on my self worth, criticisms under the guise of helpfulness, hidden among sweet buttery compliments, so that I hardly noticed at times. Then when I would try to discuss what I was possibly perceiving I would be shamed, blamed, raged at, and later apologised to, an emotional rollercoaster ride that was so energetically taxing that it kept me silent. I began reverting to friends and books to undo the damage, and trying to "stay positive" in the marriage. My AH would say "if you focus on negativity you get a negative result, if you focus on positivity you get a positive result." BS! That's like trying to shovel s**t in the dark. Turn the lights on, look at it directly, then get it out of your house! I've been a willing participant in a relationship that is insane, because I believed that keeping us together outweighed the importance of my "feelings", feelings that my husband said were a waste of time, all in my head, and more important to me than my children. New top priority: keeping my head together and my heart together and my self worth together and my sobriety together. As one of my favorite authors wrote: the truth may explode your marriage, but its the only thing that will save your life.
Becky,
I love the letter route! That's what I did. I have to because first of all I'm a much more confident and communicative writer, but second of all, if I try to explain things to my AH, I forget important points and he starts talking and getting me all mixed up. So, the letter can just lay everything you want to say out there. It's still tough though. I cried and choked up a few times while reading it to him but I felt much better after getting everything off my chest. He was really mad. At the end of the meeting, he stormed out and said he had nothing to live for, no reason to get clean if I was leaving and 'taking his kids' from him, etc. He's calmed down now. Just be prepared to stand your ground. You have a reason that you feel like leaving him....don't let his emotions (and yours) muddle everything up.
Also good that your daughter will be gone for a week! Stay strong and keep posting!
I love the letter route! That's what I did. I have to because first of all I'm a much more confident and communicative writer, but second of all, if I try to explain things to my AH, I forget important points and he starts talking and getting me all mixed up. So, the letter can just lay everything you want to say out there. It's still tough though. I cried and choked up a few times while reading it to him but I felt much better after getting everything off my chest. He was really mad. At the end of the meeting, he stormed out and said he had nothing to live for, no reason to get clean if I was leaving and 'taking his kids' from him, etc. He's calmed down now. Just be prepared to stand your ground. You have a reason that you feel like leaving him....don't let his emotions (and yours) muddle everything up.
Also good that your daughter will be gone for a week! Stay strong and keep posting!
I second Faithloves endorsement of writing a letter. I too can express myself much more cleanly in writing, and it allows you to edit, add and get it perfect. Plus after years of emotional abuse, yes I know where you have been with that, I have too, it is too easy for them to gaslight and FOG. A letter keeps you on track. Good luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)