interrupted

My mother's family is very poor. Destitute, really. My sister and cousins' heroin addictions have certainly added to that situation. I used to always think maybe it even saved their lives once or twice, because there wasn't any money to steal, no jewelry valuable enough to buy a lethal amount of anything. I am the only one left with any resources, and I moved 2000 miles away.

They must have completely run out of options this time, though, because suddenly my sister is calling me. A lot. Last week and this week she has started asking me for help. I don't answer - but the voicemails are bizarre, sobbing accounts of distress.

First it was her car in title-loan impound last week and she just needed money to get it out. This week it's a violent car accident (I guess she got the car out, eh?) with a hospital trip and some strange story of them calling the cops because her head injury (she says none of the 6 airbags activated in the rollover) made her act intoxicated. So she ran from the hospital even though she was "sober as one can be". Yeah. Because sober people run from the hospital all the time, that makes perfect sense.

I don't know if there was a crash, if she lost the car, if she has a warrant, I have no idea. I don't know if any of it is true at all. I find it impossible to believe anything she says. She does not contact me unless she wants something (money) so I don't believe that this time is any different, I think she has just finally bled everyone else dry and she's getting more desperate.

Isn't it uncanny how all of these terrible and bizarre bad luck circumstances always befall addicts? I'm almost insulted that she would think I would believe some of the stories she comes up with.

I'm being tested again, and I'm well-within my boundaries with my sister (I will not do anything to support her using). That part is actually getting easier. The hardest part is not calling my mom, because I know she is probably feeling horrible and she is in so much despair over this. But my newest boundary is that I will not allow myself to be drawn in to the dysfunctional dynamic playing out between my mother and my sister, because that always hurts me in the end. I just feel bad knowing she is hurting, and that will have to be enough for right now.

Thanks for letting me share.

soberbrooke

I can't relate to your story, but I can relate to having a mother!
When I lived 2000 miles away from my mom, I called her as much as I could, probably every other day. It was great to hear her voice and it was great for her to hear mine. I told her everything that was going on in my life, good and bad, but at that time, mostly good. This was in 1991-1994 that I lived so far away. I was still a social drinker, and called my mom a lot!
I don't know if you are in Al-anon, but I have been to one meeting in my area, because of my addicted exbf, and it was a good meeting. I need to focus on my sobriety right now, so I haven't been back, but I am coming to SR to talk about all my dealings with the ex. It has helped me so much, and I am grateful for it. I am learning so much about myself and my ex on these threads, it has literally changed a lot of my negative behaviors into positive ones.
I think you are doing the right thing by not even answering her phone calls. I would just keep the communication with your mom open, let her know whats going on in your life, let her know you love her, she sure isn't getting it from the heroin addicted family members!

Kindeyes

Yes....they do run out of options eventually (hopefully). And yes.....they do "turn up the volume" when this happens.

It sounds like you are well grounded and the geographical distance helps too.

They test us.....and I believe that they lose respect for us everything we fall for their "stories". And then we often whine about how the addict doesn't respect us. Lol. It's a magical dynamic. You are holding your boundaries......and your self respect stays intact. Good job!

gentle hugs
ke

interrupted

My mother is the chief enabler and an alcoholic, and that has caused a lot of friction between us. I try to talk to my mom regularly, but lately I've hit the end of my rope on being blamed for decisions that my sister is making, so I'm trying to make decisions for myself on how to handle that angle of this dysfunction. We had a great conversation on Friday without my sister coming up at all. It was a little awkward at times, because we are off script. The script is usually: sister, sister, sister, drugs, failure, excuses, it's all my fault for not enabling/for leaving/for not doing x, y, or z. So I don't say the conversation was great because it was enjoyable, but it was great because it respected boundaries.

It took me a long time to get through my own self-inflicted guilt about my sister's addiction. I was left to raise her when she was a baby. I was 10. I'm sure I did things wrong, but I know now that a 10 year old shouldn't have to raise a child, and everyone does things wrong. My sister still owns her decisions even though I wasn't the best "mother". That has been really hard to get myself to accept, and I still struggle with it sometimes. But I did the best that I could. It's this part of my situation that makes the parent threads resonate with me even though I am technically a sibling.

GardenMama

You are acing the "test" as far as I can tell. I am buoyed by your courage to keep your distance, despite how close you feel to your sister and her troubles and the weight of feeling somehow responsible. I completely understand your predicament and really respect your boundaries.

One thing that's clear, regardless of our troubles, addicts can make theirs so much more dramatic and pressing. I see it in my daughter when she needs me, and yet when she doesn't, I don't hear a thing about the REAL calamities that won't serve her image of herself when she's trying to manipulate me. Confounding.

Be strong, as you clearly are. It helps the rest of us immensely.

octoberrain

Isn't it uncanny how all of these terrible and bizarre bad luck circumstances always befall addicts?

How do you know when a drug addict is lying? Their lips are moving.
I wanted to believe my AS. He loves me. He respects me. He would never lie to me.
Yeah right! Every time he would sell his things from his house, he would tell us he got robed. We believed him. Even called the police one time. Only to find out he owed a drug dealer money and they were after him.
You are strong. It is heart braking to get those calls and hear them sound like they are in such trouble.

interrupted

I sound so strong in that post earlier this week. Sigh. I slipped up. Not too bad, but I can't even explain what made me do it.

I investigated the story my sister told me. The one about the accident. Just through online records request. And it turns out the sheriff's office did have an accident report from her, though I wasn't able to see it. So I found out that an accident of some sort happened, and then I felt unbearably guilty for having doubted her. I was all business in our exchange, advising her to go back to the hospital but not doting over her feelings. Now I feel tremendous guilt for not being more, I dunno, caring? More anything, I guess. I must be heartless. Like some sort of callous that forms after extended trauma, I'm just unyielding. Once the guilt came from this one exchange I started to get sucked into the guilt from the past, listening to Cat Stevens' "Ooh, child" (I used to sing that song to her when she was a baby) and I threw a little pity party right here on the couch.

I shouldn't have looked into it. I'm not sure why I did. I guess it's the same thing that makes me load the "who's in custody?" bookmark every few days to see if she's in jail again or not. I'm struggling with detachment more than I thought I was. Internally, anyway - anyone around me would say that I am rocking this, but if it's eating me alive inside then obviously I am missing the point.

It's her life!

So I was going to have the weekly call with my mom today, but I don't know if I will, because I'm not sure if I'm currently strong enough to avoid talking about my sister given this recent slip. The sicko in me kinda wants to engage, but I'm not going to do that. The silver lining is that that means things have been going really well; I never desire to engage when I'm already knee deep in the muck, you know?

worried5699

Please Please help. I have a wonderful 13 year old son who has recently admitted to using marijuana he is on house arrest for a really poor judgement call on his behalf. I decided to start having him tested through my doctor's office for recent use, it came back from the lab clean. I took him to a court appointed counselor and before he left they drug screened him. They said the line was faint but it was positive, I call the doctor's office back and the physician claims that a faint line means it is neg on a 5 panel rapid screen but, the counselor is reporting to probation that this is a positive result and he is at risk of being removed for violation. I am freaking out because we also, have a compliance order so we are at risk of losing him, being arrested, and possibly resulting in the demotion of my husband's rank in service(and investigation of our competency of having our other 4 children) a big mess and no answers

MeredithD1

I put this post in its own topic here:

MeredithD1

Whenever I've come with guilt from a dysfunctional situation, I realize it's not guilt that the genuine "me" would have, but rather, guilt that I was taught by "family values." My mother made it sound like a sin to avoid contact with her. She was constantly claiming special rights to invade my life. She often embellished situations, crises, so that I would come running since, as she taught me, I should feel terrible if I didn't engage - since after all she is my mother - since after all, I must not care if I don't drop everything and respond with drama and fear

I've been n/c for close to two decades, and she has tried many times to get me to come running for one crisis or another.

You had good reason to doubt her. She's lied to you before and will likely lie to you again. And she likely embellished the situation too.

I hope you find a way to let yourself off the hook. Sending hugs and love!