Told him all 'my' secrets - feel so free
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Join Date: May 2012
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Told him all 'my' secrets - feel so free
Its been almost a month since my son and I, and our dog relocated to be closer to my husband’s rehab center. Things have been going very well and Im very happy that I decided to make the move. My mom drove with us, and stayed a few days then my dad came for a visit to check the place out, and then they went home. The house is great and its right on the beach, and since we live in Arizona it’s a beautiful change and Im really enjoying it.
As part of his treatment, couples therapy was incorporated in, and we have sessions twice a week. They have been amazing. I feel like we have truly been able to share, relate, and grow through this process. I have told him all my “secrets”. Some of it really threw him, but that is why I think it is so beneficial that we explore all this while he is still in treatment and has access to not only the couples therapist, but also his own primary psychiatrist to help him process all the emotions and pain in a healthy way. Same goes for me. I have been seeing my therapist (provided by the rehab) also. I started working with her before the move, but it is easier now that I can talk to her face to face.
Everyone at the rehab center has been so great to me. One of the ladies there has a two year old son, and she has a nanny care for him while she is at work. She offered for me to bring my son over on the days when I have therapy sessions, or anytime I need; and Ive taken her up on it. Its allowed me to have free time to myself which at first I felt selfish about taking, but now I realize I needed it. Ive been able to take walks on the beach, started doing yoga again, been exploring the town, etc. My husband is spending the weekends with us, and things are just really going well regarding the family dynamics, and our relationship.
He has one more week of live-in rehab, and then he will be doing outpatient and staying with us full time. He has been in contact with his employer and has been given the transfer he requested. There is a new project coming up, and they are actually putting it on hold until he returns to take on the lead. Im a little worried about that, because it seems a lot to take on immediately, but he says he wants to get back into it. He has always enjoyed his work so Im actually really happy that he has it to fall back into. Next week, the rehab approved for him to fly back home and attend some meetings at work with the clients and he is excited about that.
I know a lot of people were worried my move was a mistake, but so far Im having a great time. And some people were questioning the mix of rehab and couples therapy at the same time because maybe he shouldn’t be dealing with this aspect of his life until his drug issues had been worked on for a longer period of time. But we both feel it has been exceptionally helpful.
Things are going really well; just wanted to share.
As part of his treatment, couples therapy was incorporated in, and we have sessions twice a week. They have been amazing. I feel like we have truly been able to share, relate, and grow through this process. I have told him all my “secrets”. Some of it really threw him, but that is why I think it is so beneficial that we explore all this while he is still in treatment and has access to not only the couples therapist, but also his own primary psychiatrist to help him process all the emotions and pain in a healthy way. Same goes for me. I have been seeing my therapist (provided by the rehab) also. I started working with her before the move, but it is easier now that I can talk to her face to face.
Everyone at the rehab center has been so great to me. One of the ladies there has a two year old son, and she has a nanny care for him while she is at work. She offered for me to bring my son over on the days when I have therapy sessions, or anytime I need; and Ive taken her up on it. Its allowed me to have free time to myself which at first I felt selfish about taking, but now I realize I needed it. Ive been able to take walks on the beach, started doing yoga again, been exploring the town, etc. My husband is spending the weekends with us, and things are just really going well regarding the family dynamics, and our relationship.
He has one more week of live-in rehab, and then he will be doing outpatient and staying with us full time. He has been in contact with his employer and has been given the transfer he requested. There is a new project coming up, and they are actually putting it on hold until he returns to take on the lead. Im a little worried about that, because it seems a lot to take on immediately, but he says he wants to get back into it. He has always enjoyed his work so Im actually really happy that he has it to fall back into. Next week, the rehab approved for him to fly back home and attend some meetings at work with the clients and he is excited about that.
I know a lot of people were worried my move was a mistake, but so far Im having a great time. And some people were questioning the mix of rehab and couples therapy at the same time because maybe he shouldn’t be dealing with this aspect of his life until his drug issues had been worked on for a longer period of time. But we both feel it has been exceptionally helpful.
Things are going really well; just wanted to share.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too hope this is a new beginning for all of you. It sounds like it is going well and it is nice when family counseling is included in rehab. Addiction truly is a family disease.
May the blessings continue to flow.
Hugs
May the blessings continue to flow.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
Thanks for sharing! There is always hope, I think it is so very important for all of us to remember that. Too often the relapses and evil of addiction can overcome us to the point that we give up. There are many RA's right here who post regularly to share their strength, experiences and HOPE ... I have to remind myself daily that there are many addicts who DO recover and experience full lives. I was just telling a dad in my NarAnon group that the other day .... one only has to find an NA meeting to find all kinds of wonderful people helping one another while living in recovery, some just days but always there are those who have years of recovery as well. I pray that some day your husband will be one of those 
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by allforcnm 
Its been almost a month since my son and I, and our dog relocated to be closer to my husband’s rehab center.
Good news that a FAMILY is healing together. So many families are torn apart by addiction and the BS that goes with it. I nearly screwed my own family up by being involved with an addict with whom I had an affair - check out my other posts/responses as to this! Being co-dependent seriously did not help and that is why I went down the dark path - running away from my own problems and getting involved or addicted to an addict - I am in my own thereapy for co-depency and past trauma and my renewed Faith in God is helping.
All the best to this family and may you become a strong and normal functioning unit again. My prayers go out to you
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Thanks Everyone for your support and kind words. Very hopeful for the future, and we are both looking forward to next week when he starts his outpatient and can live with us full time. Im glad I went with my instincts and made the move. So far, so great.
Bobcat: I think you have touched on something very important in your comments. Im always reading post about how the "addict" has to stop for himself and nothing his loved ones does makes any difference.
I dont fully believe that myself, because no man is an island. People do have to want to stop using drugs and change their lives, but for most the motivation comes from the life they perceive awaits them. And again, for most that includes loving relationships, children, career, hopes for the future, dreams they once held and want to revive.
Bobcat: I think you have touched on something very important in your comments. Im always reading post about how the "addict" has to stop for himself and nothing his loved ones does makes any difference.
I dont fully believe that myself, because no man is an island. People do have to want to stop using drugs and change their lives, but for most the motivation comes from the life they perceive awaits them. And again, for most that includes loving relationships, children, career, hopes for the future, dreams they once held and want to revive.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm glad things are going well for you, but I have to agree with ((Anvil)) on what motivates an addict toward recovery. Without being an A, you cannot know what an A thinks. It's not a short-coming, Lord knows when I was "just" a codie in love with an A, I tried to read his mind.
I'm glad you have opened up, I'm glad that you are both getting counseling. Just remember that recovery is life-long for both the codie and the A. We never graduate, we never fully "get it", we don't suddenly become "normal", whatever that is. I work my codie/addiction recovery every day...over 5 years and it's a daily choice...addiction/codependency or recovery?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm glad you have opened up, I'm glad that you are both getting counseling. Just remember that recovery is life-long for both the codie and the A. We never graduate, we never fully "get it", we don't suddenly become "normal", whatever that is. I work my codie/addiction recovery every day...over 5 years and it's a daily choice...addiction/codependency or recovery?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by anvilhead
but for most the motivation comes from the life they perceive awaits them.
no, no it doesn't.....you are not an addict, and thus really can't SPEAK to what truly motivates an addict. it's about the life they ARE living that has become HELL on EARTH. they just want the pain to STOP. the pain of being ruled by addiction, by a drug. the pain of losing self respect, dignity, values. the pain that the drugs were supposed to stop but didn't. not enough, not all the way. the pain of craving and of fighting the craving and losing the battle and using again when they swore they wouldn't. the lies that came out of them in order to protect their use. the fear not of what had already been lost or sacrificed, but if they kept on this path, just how low they COULD still go......
there will come a day when your husband is hit with the obsession and the craving to use again. and YOU won't be a good enough reason not to use, the child won't be a good enough reason not to use...you guys were there before and it never stopped him. that is where the rubber meets the road....is he TRULY committed, does he have the conviction to stay clean no matter what, for HIMSELF..........
please remember, he is currently in a supportive therapeutic setting with counselors and doctors up the gazoo. it is easy, almost effortless for him RIGHT NOW. he has yet to transition out into the real world, where he must be responsible for himself and his well being...he hasn't had to work in weeks, or balance the checkbook, or fix a flat tire, or soothe a baby to sleep. he hasn't been confronted with the offer of drugs. he hasn't had to fully OWN his own recovery yet......he's still in a safe little cocoon.
no, no it doesn't.....you are not an addict, and thus really can't SPEAK to what truly motivates an addict. it's about the life they ARE living that has become HELL on EARTH. they just want the pain to STOP. the pain of being ruled by addiction, by a drug. the pain of losing self respect, dignity, values. the pain that the drugs were supposed to stop but didn't. not enough, not all the way. the pain of craving and of fighting the craving and losing the battle and using again when they swore they wouldn't. the lies that came out of them in order to protect their use. the fear not of what had already been lost or sacrificed, but if they kept on this path, just how low they COULD still go......
there will come a day when your husband is hit with the obsession and the craving to use again. and YOU won't be a good enough reason not to use, the child won't be a good enough reason not to use...you guys were there before and it never stopped him. that is where the rubber meets the road....is he TRULY committed, does he have the conviction to stay clean no matter what, for HIMSELF..........
please remember, he is currently in a supportive therapeutic setting with counselors and doctors up the gazoo. it is easy, almost effortless for him RIGHT NOW. he has yet to transition out into the real world, where he must be responsible for himself and his well being...he hasn't had to work in weeks, or balance the checkbook, or fix a flat tire, or soothe a baby to sleep. he hasn't been confronted with the offer of drugs. he hasn't had to fully OWN his own recovery yet......he's still in a safe little cocoon.
My comments are validated by my husbands thoughts and feelings and he is a recovering addict too. I know he would agree that his life had become out of control, and he was in anguish and made a realization that he had to end his drug use. However, he would also tell you that part of that motivation came because he knew he could have a good life for himself; part of that had to do with our relationship, his career, and no, he didn’t know about his son at that time.
Also, my comments are validated from conversations Ive had with others who are in treatment with him also at the rehab. People who have said part of their motivation is fixing their families because they want those relationships, so they can be there for their kids, etc. That is how my opinion has been formed. Beyond that Im not going to defend my opinions.
I think you may be afraid my comments are saying that a family member can talk a person who want to use drugs out of using them. That is not what Im saying. I don’t think that was what Bobcat was saying either.
My husband got hooked on pain meds after a couple of surgeries due to a sports injury. He started abusing his pain meds, and then got hooked up at work and started trying out other drugs. He was always highly functional. He kept a well paying job, he didn’t sell our posessions, or drain our bank account, he never got in legal trouble. But when he started staying out late with the boys, coming home at 3am; we argued, and we separated. We did so because he was having fun, and he didn’t want to stop, and I didn’t want a husband who was acting that way.
I found out I was pregnant shortly after we split up. He never even knew because I refused to chase after him. (Im not a good codie as its called here). He didn’t know about our son until he was about 3 months old. In retrospect, I wish I had went after him and told him about our son, reminded him about our future plans… I truly believe it would have made a difference in his actions because he would have wanted to have been part of everything leading up to our sons birth. But, truth is, there is no way to know…
Yes, I know right now he is in a protective environment. And yes I think you are right, he is definitely going to be tested once he gets back into the swing of real life again; I don’t think either of us are being unrealistic thinking there will not be challenges ahead. But not going to try to stop progress, or be afraid.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
cnm...
I think your post, or specifically that line, which assumes a motivation for "most" is triggering a few...I know it is triggering me.
we can't assume to know what motivates "most" to ACTUALLY recover...although, perhaps if you walk into any treatment center U.S.A. you will find similar comments being made (what else in the world would you expect to hear?!)...when the recovery speak meets reality (rather than the rehab speak) the motivation is often from a different place. in my long and experienced history with my own addiction and those other long term recovering addicts who surround me I have to say that "most" of them did not end up recovering for the beautiful children, wife, brother, mother, job, home, school...that awaited them. to say that "most" are motivated by these people/things/life is really hard to hear for some of us in recovery because we either lost those things/people/lives OR we WERE those people/things/life that the addict was not "motivated enough" for finding and keeping recovery.
the NA rooms (and/or jail, rehab, shelters and the streets) are filled with addicts who have lost their beautiful connections to children, homes, marriages and jobs...
the NarAnon rooms are also filled with spouses, family members, colleagues, etc who have lost someone precious and vital to the de-motivating destructive hell of addiction.
you are in a situation that feels right, and motivated, and on the track of recovery...and it is fresh and new and we are happy for you, but triggering comments can be painful and frustrating. SO SO SO SO SO SO many of us have been exactly where you are now.
I think your post, or specifically that line, which assumes a motivation for "most" is triggering a few...I know it is triggering me.
we can't assume to know what motivates "most" to ACTUALLY recover...although, perhaps if you walk into any treatment center U.S.A. you will find similar comments being made (what else in the world would you expect to hear?!)...when the recovery speak meets reality (rather than the rehab speak) the motivation is often from a different place. in my long and experienced history with my own addiction and those other long term recovering addicts who surround me I have to say that "most" of them did not end up recovering for the beautiful children, wife, brother, mother, job, home, school...that awaited them. to say that "most" are motivated by these people/things/life is really hard to hear for some of us in recovery because we either lost those things/people/lives OR we WERE those people/things/life that the addict was not "motivated enough" for finding and keeping recovery.
the NA rooms (and/or jail, rehab, shelters and the streets) are filled with addicts who have lost their beautiful connections to children, homes, marriages and jobs...
the NarAnon rooms are also filled with spouses, family members, colleagues, etc who have lost someone precious and vital to the de-motivating destructive hell of addiction.
you are in a situation that feels right, and motivated, and on the track of recovery...and it is fresh and new and we are happy for you, but triggering comments can be painful and frustrating. SO SO SO SO SO SO many of us have been exactly where you are now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
One thing my therapist told me long ago that has always "stuck" with me.....
In ANY relationship, you are either working to stay in, or you are working to get out.
allforcnm.....right now, your husband appears to be working to stay in and you are doing so as well.
I truly hope...from the bottom of my heart this continues and that you will look back one day, together, and admire walking thru the hot coals of doing the hard work together.
What you are doing is working for you. That is the only thing that matters.
In ANY relationship, you are either working to stay in, or you are working to get out.
allforcnm.....right now, your husband appears to be working to stay in and you are doing so as well.
I truly hope...from the bottom of my heart this continues and that you will look back one day, together, and admire walking thru the hot coals of doing the hard work together.
What you are doing is working for you. That is the only thing that matters.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Allforcnm,
If I am wrong, please feel free to correct me
You believe -
Addiction can be cured?? "Addict" is an unnecessary label that is demeaning?? It is not a life long issue? And the many of us here - are "self proclaimed codependents?"
If I am wrong, please feel free to correct me
You believe -
Addiction can be cured?? "Addict" is an unnecessary label that is demeaning?? It is not a life long issue? And the many of us here - are "self proclaimed codependents?"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry, but I still agree with ((Anvil)). (((Allforcm)) - he's in rehab...that is a piece of cake to an A, and yes I do know of what I'm talking about. There's no bills, no crying babies, no job lost, no stress.
Honestly, I didn't go through rehab. My "rehab" was "school of hard knocks". In custody, required to work AND pay for rent WHILE in custody, saying "yes OFFICER!!" every 5 minutes. Yeah, lots of fun.
I relapsed and my "rehab" was...get a job and FAST, pay back the money my dad had spent on me AND deal with the total anger my dad/stepmom and others had at me. Oh, and live back at home (broke), answer the phone when it rang, be accountable 99% of my day, etc.
I still hope that things work out for you and your AH but rehab is just a step on the road toward recovery. There are many, many more steps he will have to face and you can't do it for him.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Honestly, I didn't go through rehab. My "rehab" was "school of hard knocks". In custody, required to work AND pay for rent WHILE in custody, saying "yes OFFICER!!" every 5 minutes. Yeah, lots of fun.
I relapsed and my "rehab" was...get a job and FAST, pay back the money my dad had spent on me AND deal with the total anger my dad/stepmom and others had at me. Oh, and live back at home (broke), answer the phone when it rang, be accountable 99% of my day, etc.
I still hope that things work out for you and your AH but rehab is just a step on the road toward recovery. There are many, many more steps he will have to face and you can't do it for him.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Allforcnm, I pray your family continues to grow and thrive daily. None of us have all the answers. It's just inch by inch we learn, stumble, (I'm the queen), get up and try again. And I hope your experience will be as painless and promising as possible.
So glad you are getting the counsel that's needed. I care.
So glad you are getting the counsel that's needed. I care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
The beach, free nanny care, the dog, the yoga, the cool rehab people, and an addict being watched 24hours a day.
It is not real life.
Real life is going to be very very tough.
Please plan to get intense counseling when you re-enter the real world, for you will need tremendous support. His chances of relapse are extremely high. That does not mean your marriage will not ultimately survive. But I believe relapse is much more likely than sobriety within the next 12 months.
Rehab people don't like the "R" word. They don't like to talk about the actual odds.
Please have a long-range plan which includes his relapsing and leaving you and the child. I'm so sorry to say that. But it will be best if you have a plan. I hope you never have to use it.
I feel such great concern for you, your belief that just love and the right positive thoughts will be the powerful antidote to his obsession to use. I feel sad when I read the confidence in your language. I feel sad because the odds are overwhelmingly tilted toward relapse and if you don't really get that, you are going to be shattered into a million pieces when he goes back out.
It is not real life.
Real life is going to be very very tough.
Please plan to get intense counseling when you re-enter the real world, for you will need tremendous support. His chances of relapse are extremely high. That does not mean your marriage will not ultimately survive. But I believe relapse is much more likely than sobriety within the next 12 months.
Rehab people don't like the "R" word. They don't like to talk about the actual odds.
Please have a long-range plan which includes his relapsing and leaving you and the child. I'm so sorry to say that. But it will be best if you have a plan. I hope you never have to use it.
I feel such great concern for you, your belief that just love and the right positive thoughts will be the powerful antidote to his obsession to use. I feel sad when I read the confidence in your language. I feel sad because the odds are overwhelmingly tilted toward relapse and if you don't really get that, you are going to be shattered into a million pieces when he goes back out.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Georgia
Posts: 43
Thank you Impurrfect for your defining what a school of hard knocks rehab can be. For the first time in over two years...my AB is going to meetings. It may be a lie, but last night he told me he and his sponsor started working on the first step. I can't...try to hope at this point...but thinking about rehab and knowing he can't afford it. We are not affluent people. We're pretty poor. But he's trying with the 12 Steps and is on Step one. Maybe, if he's the fighter that you are...maybe he can make it to at least step 3...that's pretty much all I can wish for at the moment.
Just.
Thank you.
Just.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((HeWhoSleeps)) - not trying to hijack this thread but there are several of us here who found recovery by the "school of hard knocks". Others? Detox, rehab, etc. worked. It's not the program..it's the will to recover.
It's not just addiction, it's also codependency. Honestly, that has been harder to work recovery from than the crack. I can not do crack, stay away from dealers. I can't stay away from family that are A's (I live with an A and a raging codie..consequences of MY addiction).
We do the best we can, we pray for the best but prepare for the worst (or at least that's what I do) and put one foot in front of the other.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's not just addiction, it's also codependency. Honestly, that has been harder to work recovery from than the crack. I can not do crack, stay away from dealers. I can't stay away from family that are A's (I live with an A and a raging codie..consequences of MY addiction).
We do the best we can, we pray for the best but prepare for the worst (or at least that's what I do) and put one foot in front of the other.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by HeWhoSleeps
Thank you Impurrfect for your defining what a school of hard knocks rehab can be. For the first time in over two years...my AB is going to meetings. It may be a lie, but last night he told me he and his sponsor started working on the first step. I can't...try to hope at this point...but thinking about rehab and knowing he can't afford it. We are not affluent people. We're pretty poor. But he's trying with the 12 Steps and is on Step one. Maybe, if he's the fighter that you are...maybe he can make it to at least step 3...that's pretty much all I can wish for at the moment.
Just.
Thank you.
Just.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((LoveMeNot))) - you won't hear me saying anything against meetings. I went, in the past. Though I do not go now, for my own reasons, I use what I learned there every day.
I believe that people who truly want to find recovery will find it, in whatever way works for them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I believe that people who truly want to find recovery will find it, in whatever way works for them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Everyone of us knows that when you truly WANT
something (career,goal,target,etc)...NOTHING can
stand in your way.
But that's the kicker,is'nt it?
YOU have to want it.More than anything.The worst
thing these damn opiates (my codie situation) do is give you
the payoff (dopamine in your brains reward center)..that
you didn't earn with your own blood/sweat/tears.
I think what some of our longer term members see is
that the 'outside' is not the special olympics---it is the
"I'll tear your guts out because I WANT that gold medal MORE
than you do....and I'm not here to play 'nice' ".
But with that being said,a rehab seems to be a place
where a good faith effort to provide the tools required.
It doesn't build the house for us---but all the desire
in the world (without proper tools/skills) is'nt going
anywhere.
CNM,I hope that you and your husband come out of this with
Craftsman tools,freshly sharpened....and tear the crap out of
that lumber pile over yonder!!!
(life can sometimes kick your a**---but life has an a**,too...
one that CAN be kicked!)
something (career,goal,target,etc)...NOTHING can
stand in your way.
But that's the kicker,is'nt it?
YOU have to want it.More than anything.The worst
thing these damn opiates (my codie situation) do is give you
the payoff (dopamine in your brains reward center)..that
you didn't earn with your own blood/sweat/tears.
I think what some of our longer term members see is
that the 'outside' is not the special olympics---it is the
"I'll tear your guts out because I WANT that gold medal MORE
than you do....and I'm not here to play 'nice' ".
But with that being said,a rehab seems to be a place
where a good faith effort to provide the tools required.
It doesn't build the house for us---but all the desire
in the world (without proper tools/skills) is'nt going
anywhere.
CNM,I hope that you and your husband come out of this with
Craftsman tools,freshly sharpened....and tear the crap out of
that lumber pile over yonder!!!
(life can sometimes kick your a**---but life has an a**,too...
one that CAN be kicked!)
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