Attempting moderation = total devastation
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Attempting moderation = total devastation
Hi all!
Haven't been writing for a while, but been reading and lurking a bit.
Either way, I very well know that I cannot drink like other people. But of course, I come up reasons to continue.
-my situation sucks
-I need to relax
-I need a drink to celebrate this or that
-yada yada yada
I was in such a sorry state a year ago, drinking 2,5 bottles of wine a day, living in one of the world's most glamorous cities as the permanent long time guest of a has been socialite... We'd drink day and night and fight and make up. After a year and a half of this my family finally convinced me to come home... so I did, at almost 30.
And I quit drinking, for several months... and then what happened?
I stopped caring about the fact that I KNOW that I can't drink like normal people.
A few weeks ago, I went to a party, drank and experienced the worst black out of my drinking career. Thankfully, I was able to locate my iPhone with my computer the next morning. The phone was laying in a potato field outside the estate where the party was at. I have NO IDEA how I got back to my friend's place. That night I slept over at a friend's house... In the morning I discovered that I had hurled all over the bed AND emptied all of my host's alcohol bottles... vodka, wine etc. in a drunken rage.
No, she doesn't talk to me anymore. Nor do any of the other people... pretty much all the new friends I made in the new place where I now live. I'm not sure what happened at the end when I left the party, but I suspect something dramatic and bad.
Looking back at it, it was a friendship I wanted to end for good reasons... but I wish I would've been classier about it all.
My entire life has been in a hellish downward spiral for the past... 4-5 years. I'm so used to everything being bad that I've lost hope. People say it will get better, but I've genuinely lost hope. At the same time I'm quite calm about it. Oh well, most of my very worst night mares have come true during the past few years.
Why is it so hard to get one's brain back to being used to NOT being under the influence of booze? I confess, I LOVE having a drink. It feels like a warm hug and takes the edge off everything. After a few more glasses it's all a disaster.
Haven't been writing for a while, but been reading and lurking a bit.
Either way, I very well know that I cannot drink like other people. But of course, I come up reasons to continue.
-my situation sucks
-I need to relax
-I need a drink to celebrate this or that
-yada yada yada
I was in such a sorry state a year ago, drinking 2,5 bottles of wine a day, living in one of the world's most glamorous cities as the permanent long time guest of a has been socialite... We'd drink day and night and fight and make up. After a year and a half of this my family finally convinced me to come home... so I did, at almost 30.
And I quit drinking, for several months... and then what happened?
I stopped caring about the fact that I KNOW that I can't drink like normal people.
A few weeks ago, I went to a party, drank and experienced the worst black out of my drinking career. Thankfully, I was able to locate my iPhone with my computer the next morning. The phone was laying in a potato field outside the estate where the party was at. I have NO IDEA how I got back to my friend's place. That night I slept over at a friend's house... In the morning I discovered that I had hurled all over the bed AND emptied all of my host's alcohol bottles... vodka, wine etc. in a drunken rage.
No, she doesn't talk to me anymore. Nor do any of the other people... pretty much all the new friends I made in the new place where I now live. I'm not sure what happened at the end when I left the party, but I suspect something dramatic and bad.
Looking back at it, it was a friendship I wanted to end for good reasons... but I wish I would've been classier about it all.
My entire life has been in a hellish downward spiral for the past... 4-5 years. I'm so used to everything being bad that I've lost hope. People say it will get better, but I've genuinely lost hope. At the same time I'm quite calm about it. Oh well, most of my very worst night mares have come true during the past few years.
Why is it so hard to get one's brain back to being used to NOT being under the influence of booze? I confess, I LOVE having a drink. It feels like a warm hug and takes the edge off everything. After a few more glasses it's all a disaster.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I LOVE having a drink. It feels like a warm hug
Yeah, but a warm hug won't send your life into a hellish downward spiral.
I too loved drinking, it made everything 'go away' but of course it all came back ten times worse.
I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink and then I was able to see how much better it was living sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Coventry West Midlands
Posts: 56
I think its always easy to find "good" reasons why you should have a drink. What is not so easy to to find the reasons to stop.
This is a great place for support. Read what has happened to people here, and how they got through this. This may help you in deciding what you want to do.
Please remember though the choice to stop drinking can only come from you. No-one else can decide this for you.
All the best, and I hope you find your way.
Cov.
This is a great place for support. Read what has happened to people here, and how they got through this. This may help you in deciding what you want to do.
Please remember though the choice to stop drinking can only come from you. No-one else can decide this for you.
All the best, and I hope you find your way.
Cov.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
It's amazing what short memories we have when it comes to booze. That terrible feeling of not remembering everything that you said or that happened last night. That feeling that you did things you never would do sober. The sickening feeling of knowing it could have been even worse except for that angel on your shoulder that prevented disaster. We've all been there.
I once read that if you don't deal with your situation, life has a way of forcing you to deal with it, usually in a much more harsh and serious manner. I've found that to be true in many situations. It applies to alcohol in so many ways.
If you're here, you're not ready to give up on yourself! I bet if you made a list of all the fun things about drinking and all the notsofun things the latter would be ALOT longer!
I once read that if you don't deal with your situation, life has a way of forcing you to deal with it, usually in a much more harsh and serious manner. I've found that to be true in many situations. It applies to alcohol in so many ways.
If you're here, you're not ready to give up on yourself! I bet if you made a list of all the fun things about drinking and all the notsofun things the latter would be ALOT longer!
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I thought i loved having a drink turns out i was just a regular alcoholic .
I now love waking up without a hangover , huge anxiety, the sweats, shakey hands or blanks in my memory the day usually gets better from then on , even if it dosn't i've given it the best start i could .
M
I now love waking up without a hangover , huge anxiety, the sweats, shakey hands or blanks in my memory the day usually gets better from then on , even if it dosn't i've given it the best start i could .
M
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by NoFireWater 
It's amazing what short memories we have when it comes to booze. That terrible feeling of not remembering everything that you said or that happened last night. That feeling that you did things you never would do sober. The sickening feeling of knowing it could have been even worse except for that angel on your shoulder that prevented disaster. We've all been there.
I'm sure I'll hear about it all, one of these days... I did run into someone at a café who was at THAT party where it all happened... and the person did insinuate that I obviously had had too much to drink and that everyone wondered if I made it home since I took off running from the party...
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by NoFireWater
I once read that if you don't deal with your situation, life has a way of forcing you to deal with it, usually in a much more harsh and serious manner. I've found that to be true in many situations. It applies to alcohol in so many ways.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I feel for you... I remember how hopeless I felt. I'd always been able to manage my life somehow, but alcohol brought me to my knees. I ran out of the ability to see anything positive in my life.
Ironically, it was when I had nothing left but pain and couldn't fight it anymore that I finally was able to give up and reach acceptance. It wasn't fun, but it taught me something valuable - that the only way forward comes from accepting the pain and allowing yourself to feel it. It's human nature to resist pain and want to escape from it, but that's what drives addiction and keeps us suffering and running away from ourselves.
When we're feeling hopeless, it's hard to imagine things will ever get better. I had to go on the word of people who had been sober for a while and take that "leap of faith" that it was at least possible. I hope you can come to see that for yourself - we're here for you... *hugs*
Ironically, it was when I had nothing left but pain and couldn't fight it anymore that I finally was able to give up and reach acceptance. It wasn't fun, but it taught me something valuable - that the only way forward comes from accepting the pain and allowing yourself to feel it. It's human nature to resist pain and want to escape from it, but that's what drives addiction and keeps us suffering and running away from ourselves.
When we're feeling hopeless, it's hard to imagine things will ever get better. I had to go on the word of people who had been sober for a while and take that "leap of faith" that it was at least possible. I hope you can come to see that for yourself - we're here for you... *hugs*
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by artsoul
I feel for you... I remember how hopeless I felt. I'd always been able to manage my life somehow, but alcohol brought me to my knees. I ran out of the ability to see anything positive in my life.
Ironically, it was when I had nothing left but pain and couldn't fight it anymore that I finally was able to give up and reach acceptance. It wasn't fun, but it taught me something valuable - that the only way forward comes from accepting the pain and allowing yourself to feel it. It's human nature to resist pain and want to escape from it, but that's what drives addiction and keeps us suffering and running away from ourselves.
When we're feeling hopeless, it's hard to imagine things will ever get better. I had to go on the word of people who had been sober for a while and take that "leap of faith" that it was at least possible. I hope you can come to see that for yourself - we're here for you... *hugs*
Ironically, it was when I had nothing left but pain and couldn't fight it anymore that I finally was able to give up and reach acceptance. It wasn't fun, but it taught me something valuable - that the only way forward comes from accepting the pain and allowing yourself to feel it. It's human nature to resist pain and want to escape from it, but that's what drives addiction and keeps us suffering and running away from ourselves.
When we're feeling hopeless, it's hard to imagine things will ever get better. I had to go on the word of people who had been sober for a while and take that "leap of faith" that it was at least possible. I hope you can come to see that for yourself - we're here for you... *hugs*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
It's so hard to get over those initial couple months it seems... at least it was for me. Alcohol puts such a strangle hold on your life that it seems impossible to break free... but it is possible. I tried many times to get sober and each time is was like a daily war inside of me. I gave in because I felt that I couldn't live the rest of my life feeling like that everyday. This time I made it a bit further and the war ended one day... the DAILY struggle of not drinking diminished. Now that I look back on why I couldn't quit it is so simple really... I just couldn't get over that early threshold. It really does get better my friend... sending you my best wishes and thoughts tonight!
Memberado
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 287
Originally Posted by jobei
It's so hard to get over those initial couple months it seems... at least it was for me. Alcohol puts such a strangle hold on your life that it seems impossible to break free... but it is possible. I tried many times to get sober and each time is was like a daily war inside of me. I gave in because I felt that I couldn't live the rest of my life feeling like that everyday. This time I made it a bit further and the war ended one day... the DAILY struggle of not drinking diminished. Now that I look back on why I couldn't quit it is so simple really... I just couldn't get over that early threshold. It really does get better my friend... sending you my best wishes and thoughts tonight!
I knew I did a stupid thing, but I was like on auto-pilot. I can't say it was spur of the moment...
I just can't find any reason to motivate myself anymore. Also, as ridiculous as it sounds... I am hitting 30 very soon and my life is NOT at ALL where I imagined it to be... It all feels useless and it all went wrong. So I can't be bothered. I'm so sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Yes I loved wine too... more than myself. I agree with stu also 100% on that one. Want to make a bad situation worse? Have a drink! (or 10)!
Keep posting here even if you're struggling... it helps!
Keep posting here even if you're struggling... it helps!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
How can u have had all this happen and still LOVE wine? How can u still LOVE a drink when it's probably the reason why your life isn't where u want it to be? I HATED wine for these very reasons and this is the only way I believe u can stop successfully. I HATED what it had done to me and I believe its the only reason I could stop. The 'love' u talk about disappeared years ago, I still remember it but have to remind myself it no longer exists if I ever start reminiscing about the warm fuzzy feeling. U gotta get mad at your addiction and start fighting it! Now before u waste your 30's to it.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Sounds to me like you are on the journey of recovery. We piece it together over time. I try to learn from others here.
I know my propensity to love the buzz is still there. It will never leave me. I also know I cannot control my drinking once I start. I also know the whole thing is progressive, it's a one way street. I would still love the buzz- but it was time to move on.
I know my propensity to love the buzz is still there. It will never leave me. I also know I cannot control my drinking once I start. I also know the whole thing is progressive, it's a one way street. I would still love the buzz- but it was time to move on.
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