Dee74

I needed to accept what I was, and that my relationship with alcohol was toxic.

I used to love to drink too - but it became increasingly plain to me my desire for drink was killing me..

then I stopped loving drinking...but I couldnt stop.

Don't reach that point DB.

This apathy - I remember it...I believe thats the addicted part of you trying to stop you from doing something.

Addiction is like a parasite...it will suck the life outa you and tell you you're fine while it's doing it.

Fight it.

D

DesperadoBlond

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. You're right - how can I still love wine? I should hate it for what I have let it do to me and my life. This is finally a new angle for me as crazy as it might sound.

DesperadoBlond

Hi Dee!

Yes, my addiction is a parasite. It sucks the energy and self confidence out of me and it speaks in a very charismatic voice. "Go ahead, you can have a drink, relax and then get on with the things you need to get done... you'll feel better... there's no reason to deprive yourself from one drink... or two."

Sasha4

In the nicest possible way I find you contradict yourself a litle bit and I think that maybe you do care what others think and are unsettled by crazy drunk behaviour.

You state your not concerned yet the title of your thread desribes your drinking as devastation?

If you were not concerned by other peoples feelings and opinions, why would you use the word devastating?

Maybe I am totally wrong and forgive me if I am?

DesperadoBlond

Hi!

Thanks for giving me something to think about...

I do realize that my crazy drunken behavior is unpleasant. As I wrote, it's not something that I really like to think back on. I guess I am blocking out the details of the events from my mind in order to protect myself from feeling even worse than I do about my life. The silver lining of a blackout?

Where the indifference really kicks in is in the part where I should convince myself that I should stop drinking totally. I'm so appalled at the way everything has turned out that I don't really believe that I have the energy needed to fix things to a point where I'd be happy. I don't want to talk about how unfair life is because we all certainly feel that way sometimes... I'm just sad and tired.

DesperadoBlond

Good point about the word devastation.

Hevyn

Hi Desperado. I was also reluctant to give it up. It had once been so much fun and relaxing. To be honest, though - it had been ages since it was still enjoyable and manageable. I'm talking 25 yrs. ago or more. I was stubbornly clinging to something that could never again be part of my life - all because of the memory of those euphoric early drinking days.

I understand how sad, tired, and defeated you must feel. Continuing to drink will never solve anything - and could prove to be very dangerous at some point. We are with you, and want to see you feel better. There is life after alcohol - promise.

Anna

Yes, as Hevyn said, there is life after alcohol. It might not seem so now, but you can live a happy life without alcohol. I hope you decide to stop drinking.

lifewithoutbooz

I was a social drinker throughout my 20s and then started drinking more and more when I hit 30. During those two decades and most of the this decade (I'm 46 now), I did some things I was so ashamed of I don't know how I didn't dig a hole and bury myself in it. Then there were the things I did that I didn't remember doing. A few things came back to me over time but most of them I had to be reminded of by family, friends, yes, even people I hardly knew. I count all of the bad things I did when I was drunk and I decided I wanted to stop doing them. And the only way was to quit altogether. That was less than a week ago. The next decade will be here in less than four years, change now while you can - because time will fly even faster and you won't get it back.

lifewithoutbooz

Sorry if I posted this twice. I'm even sober LOL...

Sasha4

I'm sorry you are tired and sad, I really am. I wish I could look after you.
Have you got to the point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Can I point out another contradiction in the nicest possible way to make you giggle and smile today?

I never thought the world most 'glamorous city' would have a 'potato field' in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you in Potato Carlo?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sent with love and best wishes.
xxxx

DesperadoBlond

HAHAHAHA I lived in the world's most glamorous city (in my book at least... Paris is...)... Nowadays I live in a different country. That's why there are potato fields available these days for me.

DesperadoBlond

Hi! Happy to hear from you! I'm on day 1, once more.

DesperadoBlond

Thanks for sharing your take on it all. In a way it's all very unreal and hard to accept. ME? A person who is unable to handle alcohol to the point of having to give it up for the rest of my life? Give me a break!?

sugarbear1

If you don't give it up, are you ready for a life of "I don't care what I've done to others or myself" as your motto?

I don't understand how you can't care about these people and the situation you created and are still trying to rationalize why drinking is acceptable to you, black out and all.

Maybe try to stay abstinent for 90 days and see how you feel then?

NewBeginning010

I just wanted to say hello & wish you well on your journey. You are only 30 & have time to make these changes in your life today & lead a wonderful happy sober life. You can do this but... you gotta do it ;-)

I wish you well my friend

Cheers ~ NB

Fallow

Really all I can say is that I totally relate. Knowing the devastating moments that have occured to me throughout my drinking career youd think Id be crazy to touch the stuff again. But here I sit having another last drink. Maybe I am crazy!

I know the feeling of minimizing those blackout regrets too! Done it many times.
Either way we know it cant be a good thing mentally or physically to blackout, vomit, lose friends in a fashion we did not intend, and decide its still ok to drink.

Been there done that, I wish I new how to solve the riddle too.

gincognito

Think of it as a warm hug that slowly twists into the deadly embrace of a large hungry constrictor snake

coffeebean1

Maybe some of the best advice ever.