EmmyG

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been doing counseling with my AH while he does his own treatment for binge drinking. Today, the psychologist again suggested to me that I come see her on my own.

We have been delving into the marriage issues which pretty much boil down three issues: his binge drinking, my anxiety over his binge drinking, and his resentments over lies I told when we first met.

As she has gotten me to open up about my past and being heavily-involved in religion for the first 20 years of my life (Jehovah's Witnesses), it's become really evident that I am constantly seeking approval from everyone and trying to maintain a squeaky-clean image. My AH feels confused about who I really am, and whether I portrayed myself as someone I'm not. Little lies I told (like when we were long-distance, saying I hadn't gone out to a bar with friends when I had) were not to hide anything bad, but to avoid any conflict or make him think I'd done something wrong. Now he doesn't trust me. I wish he could see how loyal I've been as a wife and the fact that or never cheated on him.

Anyway, what therapy is helping me see is that his drinking is one issue, my guilt, fear, anxiety and codependency are different issues. I have always struggled with self image and guilt, and this relationship isn't the cause of it, but it does bring it out a lot. I've been unhappy for many years and never felt good in my own skin. I have so many issues, especially with female sexuality and being comfortable with it.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I am just really confused and I don't want to be at a place of sadness and worry all day, every day like I have been for 30 years.

Learn2Live

I wonder how long you have been married that your husband is confused about who you are. Are you an alcoholic or other addict? I understand you are concerned about your image, but is it so extreme that you lie to and manipulate others on a regular basis? I wouldn't be too quick to assume that your religious history is the problem. Though many say that alcoholism is a spiritual disease, it is also referred to as a family disease. Why do you think you chose someone who needs to seek treatment for alcoholism to marry? Have you thought about going to Al-Anon? Is there alcoholism in your family of origin?

I think it's good you shared your story here. There is much work for you to do. I hope you embrace it.

lillamy

Emmy,

I remember the entire story about your relationship, and this:
.
I can guarantee you that every single one of us who have lived with or been involved with an alcoholic has done similar things -- lied about little things because we knew telling the truth would set the alcoholic off.

That is not an unusual aspect of an alcoholic relationship.

What is unusual, and extremely troubling to me, is that your AH is still bringing this up and throwing it in your face.

He's still drinking, right?

Thumper

Why not see the psychologist on your own once? After talking to her you can decide if individual counseling would be a good idea, and if so you can choose your own therapist.

I had counseling until I moved. It was such a positive experience for me and I didn't even go that long.

I do think it is important to have a therapist that specializes in addictions.

If he is still drinking you are getting no where going to counseling with him. Your time and money are so much better spent focusing on yourself.

akrasia

My dear Emmy, this gave me chills. Is this the same therapist who heard you talk about being called filthy names and being *physically beaten* by your husband? And she wants to focus on all the things you've done wrong in your marriage?

That damn thing about the "lie"--when you said you went to one bar with friends, when in fact you'd gone to another--it's a crazily microscopic thing. You told him a white lie because you were sick of him going ballistic.

He has insanely focused on it because he sees it's a way to shame you and keep you in line and keep the focus off his drug abuse, criminal activity, and domestic violence directed towards you. If it weren't that it would be something else--like you left a car door open, or you said hello to a man you know, or you lost his keys or whatever.

If your therapist is sitting there with the two of you and is seriously saying, "Yes, Emmy G, let's look at your role in the drug and alcohol binges, his criminal activity, and his beating of you." Then that's a seriously dangerous therapist.

I can't recommend strongly enough that you have a chat with a specialist in domestic violence. Without the supervision of your husband.

EnglishGarden

I agree with akrasia.

It is upsetting to see someone like EmmyG be abused not only by her husband but also by her therapist.

LaTeeDa

I don't think this is "her" therapist. This person is someone hired by her AH to provide "marriage counseling." I believe sometimes a counselor gets put into a tough position being hired to provide couples counseling when individual counseling might be more appropriate. After all, if you hire someone to help you with your relationship, it would be very difficult for that person to tell you the relationship cannot be saved. You have made it their job to do the best they can to save the relationship.

Maybe it would be a good idea to see her alone as she has requested. Maybe she has some wisdom to impart that cannot be said in front of the husband?

L

sweetteewalls

My AH was in an intensive outpatient program working it as much as possible and in recovery for 9 months. As much I wanted to keep our marriage going, while we were both getting better...me making boundaries, getting stronger...he was getting weaker facing things from childhood, what he had done to me and our kids and it was overwhelming. Eventually our couples counselor said that we needed more individual recovery under our belt before we could work on the relationship. I too when he was in early recovery was told that he needed at least 1 year, etc..and I never understood why. As he gets better and starts facing his demons he will become more raw and sometimes take it out on you and sometimes go inward with those feelings. You have to just try to focus on your own recovery, on yourself.

akrasia

It's not a tough position to be in. The therapist schedules a couple for marriage counselling and then discovers that one partner is an out-of-control abusive drug addict, and the other partner is experiencing extreme isolation and trauma.

The professional code of conduct then obligates the therapist to respond appropriately to stop and prevent abuse.

Instead this therapist has chosen to collude in abuse. If I had her information I would make a complaint to the state board right now.

Windmills

Therapy is BEYOND inappropriate for abusive relationships. I know a lady who's husband purposely drove dangerously to terrify her and their child- the therapist suggested they travel separately rather than address the REAL issue which was his abuse. Marriage counselling wants you to look at YOUR role in the breakdown of the relationship- this does not ever work when you had no part to play, when your only role was the victim of his abuse.

EmmyG

I think she honestly wants to help me with my own issues. I had a lot of anxiety before I ever met my husband. He isn't drinking, and is not abusive when he isn't drinking. He has a drinking episode once or twice a year at this point. He has slapped me twice and pushed me another time, once 18 months ago, and again maybe two years before that. I have never told the psychologist that he beats me, because he has never beaten me. Anything physical is completely unacceptable, but I don't want to paint a picture that this therapist is minimizing my AH's behavior. He may be paying for counseling, but I found her. I didn't want to see her to make my husband stop his binge drinking, or to "fix" me, but to resolve issues that are separate from that. She is in no way insinuating that I'm at fault for his problems. I think she wants to help new get to a place where I no longer feel like I have to prove myself to him or make him understand the past, because I've been doing that for a long time.

LaTeeDa

I must have missed the post where the therapist discovered all that. My apologies.

L

akrasia

Dear Emmy, if you're not ready to leave you're not ready to leave. I hope you always feel welcome to come here and share. I think part of you knows that the therapist is missing something huge here.

Learn2Live

EmmyG, a man who will slap you has no business being WITH you. Do you understand that? There is NO EXCUSE.

EmmyG

Agreed, but things aren't always black-and-white. I never feel even remotely threatened by him except for when he's been black-out intoxicated. He is a different person when that happens. He rarely drinks, as I said, it's become more rare as time goes by and he recognizes that he can't drink normally. He's not the type to come home drunk at random, or stop for a drink after work. It's the occasional social event where he tries drinking normally.

LaTeeDa

He is the SAME person when that happens. He just has less inhibitions. He abuses you emotionally when he is sober. When he is intoxicated, he just goes further. Alcohol does not cause abuse.

L

EmmyG

Also, where did I say he's an out of control drug addict? The situation is this...95% of the time my husband is a loving, fun husband and good dad. Once or twice a year, he decides to try and be normal and drink, and ends up out of control. He works hard and has run his own business for the last four years. He helps with the kids and never raises his voice or a hand to them. But if and when he does drink, he is unrecognizable. We don't keep alcohol in our house and he doesn't drink in front of me, ever. But occasionally something will come up and he takes that first drink and ends up on a bender. His behavior is in NO was excusable or something I should tolerate. I just want to make sure I'm painting a clear picture.

akrasia

On this forum.

gerryP

Oh I think you are painting a clear picture Emmy, to me anyway.

"He has slapped me twice and pushed me another time, once 18 months ago and again maybe 2 years ago before that....Anything physical is completely unacceptable. (Really?)

If my memory serves me correctly, the last time you posted before today, your husband had left or you asked him to leave. Has he moved back into your home? If you are posting to update your status and therapy, okay good, but defending him and his inexcusable behaviour leading up to this is a little rich for me.

EmmyG

No, I haven't moved back into our home. I'm not defending him, but I never said he was a drug addict or had beaten me. I don't like having words put in my mouth. Not everyone is a monster who is never going to change. I think I'll go with the opinion of a licensed psychologist. I am taking good care of myself and my children, and I'm not putting them in danger. If we he was actively drinking I wouldn't be speaking to him - if he was a drug addict, even more so.