Counseling and confusion
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Quote from EmmyG " We have been delving into the marriage issues which pretty much boil down three issues: his binge drinking, my anxiety over his binge drinking, and his resentments over lies I told when we first met.
He is the one who binge drinks and who is still carrying on with resentment about minor lies way in the past. You have worries about his binges and his anger at you over those lies.
Hmmm. Frankly my dear, after seeing you both I wold have no hesitation in asking your husband to explain why he is still fixtated on a small, insignificant untruth form some years back. In what way does this little thing become so important?
And I would then advise you to go for your own therapist.
As I posted above it is "his" binging, and resentment that needs attending to by his therapist and until these things are being treated then I fear, marriage counselling is a waste of time, effort and money.
If you have issues coming from your upbringing, then please seek help for yourself but do not meld yourself into his therapy. Keep therapists and programs separate as you did not push him into bingeing and he was not involved in your growing up;
Whether he changes or not is in his hands, and you can only continue to safeguard yourself and your darling children.
He is the one who binge drinks and who is still carrying on with resentment about minor lies way in the past. You have worries about his binges and his anger at you over those lies.
Hmmm. Frankly my dear, after seeing you both I wold have no hesitation in asking your husband to explain why he is still fixtated on a small, insignificant untruth form some years back. In what way does this little thing become so important?
And I would then advise you to go for your own therapist.
As I posted above it is "his" binging, and resentment that needs attending to by his therapist and until these things are being treated then I fear, marriage counselling is a waste of time, effort and money.
If you have issues coming from your upbringing, then please seek help for yourself but do not meld yourself into his therapy. Keep therapists and programs separate as you did not push him into bingeing and he was not involved in your growing up;
Whether he changes or not is in his hands, and you can only continue to safeguard yourself and your darling children.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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As she has gotten me to open up about my past and being heavily-involved in religion for the first 20 years of my life (Jehovah's Witnesses), it's become really evident that I am constantly seeking approval from everyone and trying to maintain a squeaky-clean image. My AH feels confused about who I really am, and whether I portrayed myself as someone I'm not. Little lies I told (like when we were long-distance, saying I hadn't gone out to a bar with friends when I had) were not to hide anything bad, but to avoid any conflict or make him think I'd done something wrong. Now he doesn't trust me. I wish he could see how loyal I've been as a wife and the fact that or never cheated on him.
Emmy, this guy has not let this go yet????????????? Are you kidding, if it were me I would tell him, it's done, get over it or move on.
Please begin to work on your own recovery, think about getting your own counselor. My exabf did this too, stuff that happened five years ago he would throw up to me, but there was never any converstation about the things he did, this is a snow job honey, it takes the light off of him and keeps you in a state of confusion. it's just out and out bull, please, stop buying it.
Emmy, this guy has not let this go yet????????????? Are you kidding, if it were me I would tell him, it's done, get over it or move on.
Please begin to work on your own recovery, think about getting your own counselor. My exabf did this too, stuff that happened five years ago he would throw up to me, but there was never any converstation about the things he did, this is a snow job honey, it takes the light off of him and keeps you in a state of confusion. it's just out and out bull, please, stop buying it.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Well, I do agree with some of the things Emmy is saying. I am no longer with my A, but I have done a great deal of therapy and self-help reading and soul-searching and I can relate to what Emmy says. I was also raised very religiously and I have realized that I have a tendency to be black and white in my thinking, to be self-righteous. I don't like to acknowledge the fact that I am not squeaky clean. Of course, this makes me perfect to be a codependent: I get to be the all-good, all-suffering one with an A, and I don't have to look at my own faults. I've realized that I need to admit that I have a shadow side just like everyone else. No, it's not as extreme as my ex-A's, but it's there and it's time for me to address it.
And my ex-A was also only physically violent when he was drinking. Now, I am aware that it is believed that only abusers abuse; drinking is not an excuse for abuse. But, I have to say that I have said untrue or unpleasant things when intoxicated (even though I am not an alcoholic) that I would never had said sober. And that these things are very uncharacteristic of who I am. For instance, once in my early 20s, my brother had a going-away party for me as I was about to travel to Europe. I drank more than normal and ended up telling my brother's friend (who had long had a crush on me) that I, too, had long had a crush on him. This was patently untrue; I said it to be nice.
Obviously, this is not the same thing as being physically violent while intoxicated. But, I do believe that alcohol lowers inhibitions and people do stupid things that are not necessarily characteristic of them or in line with what they really believe. Alcohol is a drug; drugs make people do weird things sometimes.
I want Emmy to keep coming back here. She's doing the best she can and trying to deal with everything. Let's be there for her. We are all in the same boat.
And my ex-A was also only physically violent when he was drinking. Now, I am aware that it is believed that only abusers abuse; drinking is not an excuse for abuse. But, I have to say that I have said untrue or unpleasant things when intoxicated (even though I am not an alcoholic) that I would never had said sober. And that these things are very uncharacteristic of who I am. For instance, once in my early 20s, my brother had a going-away party for me as I was about to travel to Europe. I drank more than normal and ended up telling my brother's friend (who had long had a crush on me) that I, too, had long had a crush on him. This was patently untrue; I said it to be nice.
Obviously, this is not the same thing as being physically violent while intoxicated. But, I do believe that alcohol lowers inhibitions and people do stupid things that are not necessarily characteristic of them or in line with what they really believe. Alcohol is a drug; drugs make people do weird things sometimes.
I want Emmy to keep coming back here. She's doing the best she can and trying to deal with everything. Let's be there for her. We are all in the same boat.
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Emmy I felt like you on a post that I made a few days ago. I want you to keep coming back. Its hard to hear the negative things but try to hear this perspective. Focus on you. Only you. Don't defend him or yourself. Codies defend to everyone, self included. Just focus on yourself and your recovery. It is SO hard and gut wrenching but you can do it...then no matter if you guys end up reconciled or not, you will be a healthier Emmy either way. =)
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I want Emmy to keep coming back here. She's doing the best she can and trying to deal with everything. Let's be there for her. We are all in the same boat.
There is no reason for her not to come back, and I agree I hope she does, because we care about her so much.
We can all relate, Emmy, to everything you are saying, we are all codies too. Please don't think that any of us have not done and said all the things you are saying. It all happens in it's own way and in it's own time.
We do care about and support you. love Katie
There is no reason for her not to come back, and I agree I hope she does, because we care about her so much.
We can all relate, Emmy, to everything you are saying, we are all codies too. Please don't think that any of us have not done and said all the things you are saying. It all happens in it's own way and in it's own time.
We do care about and support you. love Katie
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Marriage counseling for me brought up a lot of my own insecurities, and I imagine that they would for both people.
Person A + Person B = Relationship.
I agree working on a relationship for you both is important EmmyG, but do either of you have the room and space right now in just marriage counseling to be working on your own individual stuff?
I had to have a lot of individual support (and done a lot of individual work) before I was ready to tackle the work of a relationship. I think it would have been like trying to build a building without a foundation, a lot of slipping, sliding and mess.
For me without individual counseling I would have let a situation like "his binge drinking" and "my falsehoods" years ago hold the same weight in terms of destruction or problems in our relationship. I would have done this to appease my husband because that is the way I had always done it and would have thought it would be easier. In actuality it was just stuffing it for it to explode later. It was hard for me to know I had equal footing in the relationship before my individual work was in place.
I am glad you updated us, and glad you are continuing to do the hard work.
Person A + Person B = Relationship.
I agree working on a relationship for you both is important EmmyG, but do either of you have the room and space right now in just marriage counseling to be working on your own individual stuff?
I had to have a lot of individual support (and done a lot of individual work) before I was ready to tackle the work of a relationship. I think it would have been like trying to build a building without a foundation, a lot of slipping, sliding and mess.
For me without individual counseling I would have let a situation like "his binge drinking" and "my falsehoods" years ago hold the same weight in terms of destruction or problems in our relationship. I would have done this to appease my husband because that is the way I had always done it and would have thought it would be easier. In actuality it was just stuffing it for it to explode later. It was hard for me to know I had equal footing in the relationship before my individual work was in place.
I am glad you updated us, and glad you are continuing to do the hard work.
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Thanks. I really feel that my own insecurities and constant "guilt" throughout my life have allowed me to be in an unhealthy relationship this long. But, his issue with drinking is his own and I have in no way caused that. I think his binge drinking has just brought my issues out even more. Would a healthy woman have stayed this long and let him try to handle this problem on his own? I don't think so. I think I need the individual therapy with or without him.
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Just don't beat yourself up too much. I think individual therapy is good but you just seem from your posts to be blaming yourself. And we are well aware that guilt and blame are a big part of alcoholism and other addictions. They say that for every alcoholic, there are 4 people who are affected by the disease. And those closest to the alcoholic are the most affected. Even if he is "just a binger," there are still underlying issues and problems with his character.
Do you have a Higher Power? I do. And my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, does not want me to suffer. He wants me to throw my troubles on him. He wants me to remove from my life that which makes me stumble. That includes Guilt feelings. I have had to teach myself to REFUSE guilt. I have gotten pretty good at it too! And so can you. When I allow Guilt into my life, I become stuck in my thinking and behaving. But I want to be free!
Do you have a Higher Power? I do. And my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, does not want me to suffer. He wants me to throw my troubles on him. He wants me to remove from my life that which makes me stumble. That includes Guilt feelings. I have had to teach myself to REFUSE guilt. I have gotten pretty good at it too! And so can you. When I allow Guilt into my life, I become stuck in my thinking and behaving. But I want to be free!
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Originally Posted by EmmyG 
Thanks. I really feel that my own insecurities and constant "guilt" throughout my life have allowed me to be in an unhealthy relationship this long. But, his issue with drinking is his own and I have in no way caused that. I think his binge drinking has just brought my issues out even more. Would a healthy woman have stayed this long and let him try to handle this problem on his own? I don't think so. I think I need the individual therapy with or without him.
Also even if I had been perfectly healthy when I started the relationship, being in a relationship with a binge drinker would have tipped me over the edge.
My post was not to make you feel guilty, I am sorry if I implied that.
I was questioning why you have written a lot about MC, but I have not heard as much about IC? I am bias though as IC was the best gift I have ever given myself.
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The hard thing about this is that being with an abusive person isn't like a Lifetime movie, with the guy who is a total jerk all the time, who beats you and sends flowers the next day. I'm not trying to defend his actions. I'm just trying to point out that it's not as simple as a situation where he's coming home drunk regularly. He also doesn't bring up my past often or act jealously. It's coming up in counseling. I really, really need individual counseling. Like, now. I feel really comfortable with this therapist, especially because she's talked to him already and knows my situation. Is that a bad idea?
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My AH and I saw the same counselor. It started out as MC, but we began seeing her individually. My kids saw her, too. We had a few sessions together as a family. It worked out well for me. I don't really know how much my AH got out of it because we are no longer together. I believe it helped my kids a lot, though.
Why not see her once or twice as she has suggested and then decide? You don't have to commit to anything long term if you don't want to.
L
Why not see her once or twice as she has suggested and then decide? You don't have to commit to anything long term if you don't want to.
L
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Emmy-
I think its great that you are going to do some individual counseling. I misunderstood something when I read your post the first time.
I used different people just because I already had an established counselor when we started marriage counseling. After our relationship ended though I saw the woman I saw for marriage counseling individually for a bit too.
None of this is straightforward or easy, and we are only ready to work on the pieces we can work on. I have confidence you will keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I think its great that you are going to do some individual counseling. I misunderstood something when I read your post the first time.
I used different people just because I already had an established counselor when we started marriage counseling. After our relationship ended though I saw the woman I saw for marriage counseling individually for a bit too.
None of this is straightforward or easy, and we are only ready to work on the pieces we can work on. I have confidence you will keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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