Jim Beam at 8am
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
Jim Beam at 8am
After a night of particularly bad dreams I woke up at 8am this Saturday with a mantra in my head: "I will not drink first thing in the morning". I spent about 5 minutes arguing with myself about the reality of relapse, playing the tape to the end, etc etc, and finally took a shot with the self-con that I just want to knock myself back out and sleep in until noon.
Yep. This 2nd relapse started about 3 weeks ago. The triggers were a mix of stress at work, loneliness, financial fears, shame/pride, blah blah blah - I finally realize that acknowledging triggers isn't as important as avoiding them in the first place.
But nevermind all that - since I had fallen on my face, homeless for the 2nd time, and build myself back up with sobriety (for me that meant getting a job, getting a place to stay, and getting the necessities - big ass tv, internet, and a ps3) - I decided that I deserved having a drink, because my near 40-year old pride and potential for a future is so screwed that I might as well relapse and have moments of drunken blissful ignorance, rather than days full of regret and self doubt.
Subsequently, my dreams have turned to exceptionally past-colored nightmares, my demeanor at work has been withdrawn and edgy, and my focus has changed from "get a car, finish associates degree, get physically healthy" to "make sure you have enough money to handle both rent and booze while you try to figure out what you're doing".
Since my relapse I've stopped communicating with family, spend my work day waiting to get home so I can have that first shot, started budgeting around alcohol, have blown off all friends who have tried to get in touch, and just received an email from my mother, telling me that my grandma is in hospice and we all need to fly down to florida to see her one last time.
That last part is the kicker - all I can think about is the best possible excuse to avoid having to take a train to ohare, get on a plane, stay with relatives in florida, and visit my dying matriarch. Seriously, how sad is that... Then again, everything seems more emotionally poignant on alcohol than it does sober, so I'm using all of these factors to justify my own demise. Again.
In any event - here I am on Saturday, week 3 of relapse, watching stand-up on netflix to boost my mood, downloading a new ps3 game to redirect my focus, posting on a sobriety website so that I can pass out and wake up and check to see if anyone relates and/or has any bits of wisdom. Self involved narcissist to the end. This is my first tangible reach out - my other plans have included "just stopping" (ha! the veterans know how that goes), calling friends or family and shamefully admitting that I relapsed and need help, riding it out with the knowledge that it can't be successfully ridden out, or just giving in and seeing what happens.
Thanks for giving me the ability to rant - god knows I wouldn't spew forth this type of shameful reality without the safety net of anonymity.
duck
Edit - and after having posted I simply took another shot of bourbon, re-read my post, and decided that fixing typos was of grave importance.
Yep. This 2nd relapse started about 3 weeks ago. The triggers were a mix of stress at work, loneliness, financial fears, shame/pride, blah blah blah - I finally realize that acknowledging triggers isn't as important as avoiding them in the first place.
But nevermind all that - since I had fallen on my face, homeless for the 2nd time, and build myself back up with sobriety (for me that meant getting a job, getting a place to stay, and getting the necessities - big ass tv, internet, and a ps3) - I decided that I deserved having a drink, because my near 40-year old pride and potential for a future is so screwed that I might as well relapse and have moments of drunken blissful ignorance, rather than days full of regret and self doubt.
Subsequently, my dreams have turned to exceptionally past-colored nightmares, my demeanor at work has been withdrawn and edgy, and my focus has changed from "get a car, finish associates degree, get physically healthy" to "make sure you have enough money to handle both rent and booze while you try to figure out what you're doing".
Since my relapse I've stopped communicating with family, spend my work day waiting to get home so I can have that first shot, started budgeting around alcohol, have blown off all friends who have tried to get in touch, and just received an email from my mother, telling me that my grandma is in hospice and we all need to fly down to florida to see her one last time.
That last part is the kicker - all I can think about is the best possible excuse to avoid having to take a train to ohare, get on a plane, stay with relatives in florida, and visit my dying matriarch. Seriously, how sad is that... Then again, everything seems more emotionally poignant on alcohol than it does sober, so I'm using all of these factors to justify my own demise. Again.
In any event - here I am on Saturday, week 3 of relapse, watching stand-up on netflix to boost my mood, downloading a new ps3 game to redirect my focus, posting on a sobriety website so that I can pass out and wake up and check to see if anyone relates and/or has any bits of wisdom. Self involved narcissist to the end. This is my first tangible reach out - my other plans have included "just stopping" (ha! the veterans know how that goes), calling friends or family and shamefully admitting that I relapsed and need help, riding it out with the knowledge that it can't be successfully ridden out, or just giving in and seeing what happens.
Thanks for giving me the ability to rant - god knows I wouldn't spew forth this type of shameful reality without the safety net of anonymity.
duck
Edit - and after having posted I simply took another shot of bourbon, re-read my post, and decided that fixing typos was of grave importance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Hi Duck. It is my experience that one cannot avoid triggers. They are everywhere. And as long as we give ourselves excuses to drink . . . we will. For me, nothing got better until I stubbornly refused to put alcohol in my mouth and swallow. There are lots of paths that you can follow to help you have a great life while sober, but in my experience you have to stop taking that first drink before you have a chance at a better life.
My condolences about your Grandmother. Drinking won't change the fact that she is passing on . . . all it will do is make your life more painful. Wishing you the best!
My condolences about your Grandmother. Drinking won't change the fact that she is passing on . . . all it will do is make your life more painful. Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Dear snapple, I'm glad that you are posting. I believe it helps to get it out. I used alcohol as my coping mechanism. The reason I quit is the increasing factor. More alcohol needed. Longer hangovers. I have anxiety issues. Urge surfing is what helps me. Google it. It is a technique for dealings with the stress, emotions and anxieties. I think it is important to identify the triggers. And find natural, healthy ways to deal with them. Exercise and urge surfing are what helps me. Life without alcohol is so much better for me. I tapered down. One less drink every few days. It is very freeing. God bless you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I'm glad you posted and I'm sorry about your grandmother. I hope you make it to Florida to visit with her before she passes away.
It's not just about acknowledging triggers and avoiding them, though that is part of recovery. It's about finding ways to deal with them when they hit, because they will. I know I would get hit with something totally unexpected, maybe a song on the radio, and off my mind would run. In recovery you can learn healthy ways to deal with those instances.
We do understand how hard this is.
It's not just about acknowledging triggers and avoiding them, though that is part of recovery. It's about finding ways to deal with them when they hit, because they will. I know I would get hit with something totally unexpected, maybe a song on the radio, and off my mind would run. In recovery you can learn healthy ways to deal with those instances.
We do understand how hard this is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
Urge Surfing. I like the thought of that, and 5 hours from now when I wake up semi-sober I will check out the Mindfulness blog and other google results. And thanks to weasel for a simple and extremely important fact - i am NOT alone, and ru12 - yes; understanding triggers is one of my weaknesses - tricky business.
For now, the initial trial has ended, I have consumed enough to sleeeeep. 5 or so hours from now I will emerge and read. I genuinely though I would not find myself here again. Nature of the beast, I suppose?
I am, however, fully intoxicated, giving in to the enemy so to speak, and while I want to continue reading and commenting on threads, feel it would be inappropriate given my state. For the first time in weeks i look forward to waking up clear headed - the verbatim sound in my brain is "these people know where it is we GO - I want to see what they have to say - sober."
happy accidents
duck
For now, the initial trial has ended, I have consumed enough to sleeeeep. 5 or so hours from now I will emerge and read. I genuinely though I would not find myself here again. Nature of the beast, I suppose?
I am, however, fully intoxicated, giving in to the enemy so to speak, and while I want to continue reading and commenting on threads, feel it would be inappropriate given my state. For the first time in weeks i look forward to waking up clear headed - the verbatim sound in my brain is "these people know where it is we GO - I want to see what they have to say - sober."
happy accidents
duck
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
If i'd have carried on drinking i could have died a lonely alcoholic quite quickly (blood pressure 170/120) .
Being content with what i have is difficult in a society where advertising tries to sell me the want of need . The happiness i've found with recovery seems to be more about reducing or not having this yearning expectation . I slow down , take the pain, i can't take or have it all .
take care, M
Being content with what i have is difficult in a society where advertising tries to sell me the want of need . The happiness i've found with recovery seems to be more about reducing or not having this yearning expectation . I slow down , take the pain, i can't take or have it all .
take care, M
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You're articulate and 12 years ahead of me in wanting to get sober.
crawling inside a bottle of Jim Beam is the beginning of the worst ongoing nightmare....please find the strength to pull yourself out of it.
wanting to sleep until noon is NOT living.
crawling inside a bottle of Jim Beam is the beginning of the worst ongoing nightmare....please find the strength to pull yourself out of it.
wanting to sleep until noon is NOT living.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi Duck,
I can relate. I went to rehab last year and have been in recovery for a year. I relapsed at 6 month mark. By that point, I had gotten a job, my own apartment, a big-ass TV and Xbox. Like you, I saw that as progress. The bare essentials to having a feeling of independence and contentment. My relapse lasted a week, and I spent my rent money during it. I had previously been evicted for drinking the rent away, so huge red-flags went up in my head and I stopped right away. I have been back on the wagon for another 6 months and am proud to still have my apartment and big TV. Such simple things, but really they represent normalcy.
Put the bottle down. Try it again.
I can relate. I went to rehab last year and have been in recovery for a year. I relapsed at 6 month mark. By that point, I had gotten a job, my own apartment, a big-ass TV and Xbox. Like you, I saw that as progress. The bare essentials to having a feeling of independence and contentment. My relapse lasted a week, and I spent my rent money during it. I had previously been evicted for drinking the rent away, so huge red-flags went up in my head and I stopped right away. I have been back on the wagon for another 6 months and am proud to still have my apartment and big TV. Such simple things, but really they represent normalcy.
Put the bottle down. Try it again.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Wleomce duck. Acknowledging, knowing and accepting our triggers are all great. We don't have to be a slave to them. you are only bound by that first drink. You are in the worst part now. You're fully in the jaws of the beast but the good thing is that you do know know that there's another way to live. You sound so tired. Are you ready? Your mind sounds there, how about your spirit? I had to wait until my spirit was so utterly consumed and i was just a shell and so humbled by what my addiction had made me that i was ready to do whatever was told of me. It's not just a matter of setting down the drink. It's not drinking today and figuring out how to do that every day. I had to go to meetings daily for the first month and a half for the structure it gave my afternoons and evenings and the comfort i got from familiar friends i met there.
What's important for you to realize is that you don't need that drink. Your addiction does. You need that addiction right now because you don't know anything else. When you're ready to learn another way, we'll be here to help. There's us, AA and a lot of other 12 step programs that are just waiting to help. You don't want to try to just stumble blindly through sobriety. You gotta have a plan. I hope you're ready for one sooner rather than later. I look forward to counting you among one of my fellow walkers along the path of sobriety. Welcome to SR!
What's important for you to realize is that you don't need that drink. Your addiction does. You need that addiction right now because you don't know anything else. When you're ready to learn another way, we'll be here to help. There's us, AA and a lot of other 12 step programs that are just waiting to help. You don't want to try to just stumble blindly through sobriety. You gotta have a plan. I hope you're ready for one sooner rather than later. I look forward to counting you among one of my fellow walkers along the path of sobriety. Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada... Originally from Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 93
In the AA meeting a attended yesterday, first one in 14 days of sobriety... it was said that we all have something in common "we know how to get drunk"... This site has helped me through the past 14 days because when I feel the need to drink, I log on and just read stories. It's nice to know we're not alone. We are here for you!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I've been where you are - and the only way out is brutal honesty coupled with decisive action duck.
Pinkdog mentioned urge surfing- I found that good for dealing with cravings....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
I think you need to investigate support as well tho.
I was totally unconvinced of my own capabilities when I quit - I needed a network to draw strength from.
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
Thinking and writing are great but they by themselves are not action, IMO.
I'm really sorry about your grandmother too - I hope you get to FL.
D
Pinkdog mentioned urge surfing- I found that good for dealing with cravings....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
I think you need to investigate support as well tho.
I was totally unconvinced of my own capabilities when I quit - I needed a network to draw strength from.
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
Thinking and writing are great but they by themselves are not action, IMO.
I'm really sorry about your grandmother too - I hope you get to FL.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
After a few failed attempts at posting a response I'll simply say - so many sincere responses blow away the "90 in 90" that I did the first time around. Maybe AA in downtown chicago is particularly uninviting and cold? Whatever - thanks to each of you who have responded, I was actually afraid to check the site when I woke up at 2:30pm this afternoon; mostly afraid that my post would be buried.
Regardless of my intent at finding a place to start the process - I still bit the HAIR of the dog. I lasted about 10 minutes, hangover in hand, with this convenient thought process:
"Hey! This sucks, but it's Saturday. That means you can kill the hangover, watch some movies, surf some internet, enjoy things - and then deal with the nastiness tomorrow"
tomorrow. Sad thing is - I know that trick - tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I'll quit tomorrow. But here I am, it's a start. Just need to continue with the intention.
Thanks people - I'll let you know when I hit day one. Sooner than later I hope. Be well.
duck
Regardless of my intent at finding a place to start the process - I still bit the HAIR of the dog. I lasted about 10 minutes, hangover in hand, with this convenient thought process:
"Hey! This sucks, but it's Saturday. That means you can kill the hangover, watch some movies, surf some internet, enjoy things - and then deal with the nastiness tomorrow"
tomorrow. Sad thing is - I know that trick - tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I'll quit tomorrow. But here I am, it's a start. Just need to continue with the intention.
Thanks people - I'll let you know when I hit day one. Sooner than later I hope. Be well.
duck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
You are not alone...
...and you never will be as long as you come here. Your story is not unique, many people here share similar or worse situations, and know that in the end you are fighting a war - not a battle. No one in history has ever won a war without an army. Ever.
Your army is here. Keep coming back...especially during a losing battle. Because your strategy to win the war will be defined and created with the support of your army.
Your army is here. Keep coming back...especially during a losing battle. Because your strategy to win the war will be defined and created with the support of your army.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Toronto ON
Posts: 1,180
You can do this.
Your comment about doing a shot and then coming back to fix all your type o's made me laugh out loud!
Good luck with everything. I'm about your age - 43 - and got sober just a little over a year ago. Send me a note if you have any questions.
Cheers Duck!
Your comment about doing a shot and then coming back to fix all your type o's made me laugh out loud!
Good luck with everything. I'm about your age - 43 - and got sober just a little over a year ago. Send me a note if you have any questions.
Cheers Duck!
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