My Dad is dying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
My Dad is dying
Hi There
I am not sure if I can just post or if I am in the right place.
I am a 36 year old with a Dad currently in stage IV liver failure. I am heartbroken. I feel it is my fault, that I have been so busy lately that I neglected him. That I took his personality changes personally and so was not as close to him as I always was before.
I feel guilty too for meeting my fiance as family members have said to me that that was a huge blow to him. Yesterday too my Brother and my Mum said it was because he felt unwanted and felt left out (meaning the fact I have my fiance now) that he was in that state and so that means they too blame me.
He has had a terrible last 2 years - he has slowly been going deeper into his addiction and lately could not be reached or talked to. My relationship with him changed and I just wish that I had done more; I tried talking to him and wrote to his GP and I also trying exposing the problem but he was so angry with me for doing so.
He said to me last night that he never knew where he belonged (he and my Mum split 20 years ago and he would divide his time between her house and mine).
He always told me not to fuss etc and I just don't know what to do.
There is just no time left or very little.
On Saturday everything came to a head. He was so ill - severely jaundiced; tummy extended and so on.
Dr have said he is in the middle of stage IV liver failure.
Just don't know what to do or how I will cope without him - know you have to but it scares me that I will just be going through the motions like he did - I can't get over how guilty I feel and like all this is my fault.
Thanks for listening. X
I am not sure if I can just post or if I am in the right place.
I am a 36 year old with a Dad currently in stage IV liver failure. I am heartbroken. I feel it is my fault, that I have been so busy lately that I neglected him. That I took his personality changes personally and so was not as close to him as I always was before.
I feel guilty too for meeting my fiance as family members have said to me that that was a huge blow to him. Yesterday too my Brother and my Mum said it was because he felt unwanted and felt left out (meaning the fact I have my fiance now) that he was in that state and so that means they too blame me.
He has had a terrible last 2 years - he has slowly been going deeper into his addiction and lately could not be reached or talked to. My relationship with him changed and I just wish that I had done more; I tried talking to him and wrote to his GP and I also trying exposing the problem but he was so angry with me for doing so.
He said to me last night that he never knew where he belonged (he and my Mum split 20 years ago and he would divide his time between her house and mine).
He always told me not to fuss etc and I just don't know what to do.
There is just no time left or very little.
On Saturday everything came to a head. He was so ill - severely jaundiced; tummy extended and so on.
Dr have said he is in the middle of stage IV liver failure.
Just don't know what to do or how I will cope without him - know you have to but it scares me that I will just be going through the motions like he did - I can't get over how guilty I feel and like all this is my fault.
Thanks for listening. X
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
I have been there in some ways..... my dad died about 2 years ago from a stroke.... and he had been suffering for years from one ailment....
What matters most, is what you are doing now.... it is hurting so bad, yes, and it will not get easier..... There will be lots of regrets.
I regretted not calling my dad in those early years more often... we lived in different countries but I avoided calling him because I didn't and couldn't bare to hear his pain or ailments and wanted to avoid speaking to his de facto.
When my dad had a stroke it was just after I called him and shared with him of my marriage break-up . His defacto later insisted and blamed me that my dad was so worried for me that night that it caused him a stroke.
Deep down I cannot help but also blame myself.... for everything, just like you, but there comes a point in your life.... that your thoughts kick in.... do you carry that baggage and destroy yourself or try to be a better person to the other loved ones who depend on you? You have your fiancé...... you need to not blame yourself.
I have my child who depends on me.... do I let those thoughts get me down.... I cannot.
The best thing right now is to be there for your dad, and even your mum. When they say those hurtful things.... it may or may not be true... but know that they too are hurting... It is often easier to 'blame' someone or something.
But the reality is we are humans, we get sick..... you cannot turn back the clock, you have this last few weeks or days with dad..... be with him. Pray with him. Hold his hand, if you want to, seek his forgiveness.
My dad died from a stroke without opening his eyes to acknowledge my presence. My heart broke and is still broken when I think about it.
The only thing is God who is there for me, who in the back of my mind, forgives me, and I know have been forgiven.
You have the time with your dad now, even how short... tell him you love him.
God bless, and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
What matters most, is what you are doing now.... it is hurting so bad, yes, and it will not get easier..... There will be lots of regrets.
I regretted not calling my dad in those early years more often... we lived in different countries but I avoided calling him because I didn't and couldn't bare to hear his pain or ailments and wanted to avoid speaking to his de facto.
When my dad had a stroke it was just after I called him and shared with him of my marriage break-up . His defacto later insisted and blamed me that my dad was so worried for me that night that it caused him a stroke.
Deep down I cannot help but also blame myself.... for everything, just like you, but there comes a point in your life.... that your thoughts kick in.... do you carry that baggage and destroy yourself or try to be a better person to the other loved ones who depend on you? You have your fiancé...... you need to not blame yourself.
I have my child who depends on me.... do I let those thoughts get me down.... I cannot.
The best thing right now is to be there for your dad, and even your mum. When they say those hurtful things.... it may or may not be true... but know that they too are hurting... It is often easier to 'blame' someone or something.
But the reality is we are humans, we get sick..... you cannot turn back the clock, you have this last few weeks or days with dad..... be with him. Pray with him. Hold his hand, if you want to, seek his forgiveness.
My dad died from a stroke without opening his eyes to acknowledge my presence. My heart broke and is still broken when I think about it.
The only thing is God who is there for me, who in the back of my mind, forgives me, and I know have been forgiven.
You have the time with your dad now, even how short... tell him you love him.
God bless, and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Dear Em12 and LoraandGeoff,
Your Father's ailments are neither of your fault. LoraandGeoff, it is just plain unfair to me for you to carry this burden. Your dad chose to drink, a lot, to be currently dying of liver failure. I do not understand how you could possibly be held responsible for his drinking and current health or lack thereof. It is totally unfair of family members to also blame you.
EM12, you did not cause your Father's stroke. It is not your fault. Stress levels can contribute to poor health and increase the chances of a stroke, but the truth is a clot broke off in his blood stream and took his life, not you.
We all have the *option* and *responsibility* to find coping mechanisms to deal with life. Both of your Father's chose not to find healthy coping mechanisms like you are. Please mourn your loss EM12. Lora, please mourn your Dad's current condition and inevitable death. But, in mourning don't take responsibility for something that is way bigger than you. Don't destroy yourselves mourning the loss of your father. You do not deserve such a sad and guilt-ridden existence.
If you a higher power or belief in God, as you understand him, now would be a great time to release your suffering to a HP. Of at Lear that is what I would do. With the help of a HP, I can learn to love myself unconditionally.
I am so sorry for your pain. I am wishing you both well.
Love and Light,
Lily
Your Father's ailments are neither of your fault. LoraandGeoff, it is just plain unfair to me for you to carry this burden. Your dad chose to drink, a lot, to be currently dying of liver failure. I do not understand how you could possibly be held responsible for his drinking and current health or lack thereof. It is totally unfair of family members to also blame you.
EM12, you did not cause your Father's stroke. It is not your fault. Stress levels can contribute to poor health and increase the chances of a stroke, but the truth is a clot broke off in his blood stream and took his life, not you.
We all have the *option* and *responsibility* to find coping mechanisms to deal with life. Both of your Father's chose not to find healthy coping mechanisms like you are. Please mourn your loss EM12. Lora, please mourn your Dad's current condition and inevitable death. But, in mourning don't take responsibility for something that is way bigger than you. Don't destroy yourselves mourning the loss of your father. You do not deserve such a sad and guilt-ridden existence.
If you a higher power or belief in God, as you understand him, now would be a great time to release your suffering to a HP. Of at Lear that is what I would do. With the help of a HP, I can learn to love myself unconditionally.
I am so sorry for your pain. I am wishing you both well.
Love and Light,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Or Lord honey, it's not your fault at all. You didn't shove the booze down anyones throat, that was a choice your Dad made , not you. It's a lie, all of it, you sound like a wonderful daughter to me!
So glad you found us, please keep posting
love to you Katie
So glad you found us, please keep posting
love to you Katie
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello lorandgeoff, Welcome to SR!
Oh, dear me, no.....none of this is your fault. I'm so sorry to hear that your family believes you are to blame in any way, shape, or form. Because you are not. At all.
It's a child's job to grow up, become an adult, maybe even get married, and live their own life.
It's a parent's job to raise that child to the point where they become a completely independent adult who contributes to society and fully functions on his or her own.
The real sad truth is that your father did this all to himself. I'm so sorry to hear that your father's health has declined so far. I really hate this disease.
Please make yourself at home here. Read through as many threads as you can, but especially the "stickies" at the top of each forum. You are among people now who truly understand.
Oh, dear me, no.....none of this is your fault. I'm so sorry to hear that your family believes you are to blame in any way, shape, or form. Because you are not. At all.
It's a child's job to grow up, become an adult, maybe even get married, and live their own life.
It's a parent's job to raise that child to the point where they become a completely independent adult who contributes to society and fully functions on his or her own.
The real sad truth is that your father did this all to himself. I'm so sorry to hear that your father's health has declined so far. I really hate this disease.
Please make yourself at home here. Read through as many threads as you can, but especially the "stickies" at the top of each forum. You are among people now who truly understand.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Lorandgeoff,
I am sorry to hear about your Dad. My mother died from her drinking in 1999 and I can identify with your feelings.
The trouble is - your feelings are real, but they are not reality. The reality is that your father is an alcoholic, and if you were by his side 24/7 he would continue to drink. Stage IV liver failure is caused by drinking, not your social and work schedule.
Be gentle to yourself, and understand that the things that your Mum and Brother have said is their emotional response to this tragic situation, not an objective view of what is happening. Get the best medical advice and care you can for your father, but understand that Doctors are not god, and life is finite.
I recommend you get in touch with someone locally who can help you navigate this, a therapist, clergy person, or perhaps Al Anon.
I am sorry to hear about your Dad. My mother died from her drinking in 1999 and I can identify with your feelings.
The trouble is - your feelings are real, but they are not reality. The reality is that your father is an alcoholic, and if you were by his side 24/7 he would continue to drink. Stage IV liver failure is caused by drinking, not your social and work schedule.
Be gentle to yourself, and understand that the things that your Mum and Brother have said is their emotional response to this tragic situation, not an objective view of what is happening. Get the best medical advice and care you can for your father, but understand that Doctors are not god, and life is finite.
I recommend you get in touch with someone locally who can help you navigate this, a therapist, clergy person, or perhaps Al Anon.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Guilt is poison and it is the result of the Blame that the disease of alcoholism needs to thrive. Alcoholism is like a separate entity, a being, that takes over the alcoholic and the alcoholic's family. Alcoholism controls the dynamics of the family, for its own survival. Your father's disease NEEDS you to take the blame and feel the guilt so that it can CONQUER. And it has almost won your father completely. But you can still fight it!! Don't let it win and beat you too! REFUSE the guilt! REFUSE to take the blame! Stand up against the disease and tell it, "You will not conquer me too!" And then EVERY time you feel the guilt, EVERY time you hear yourself thinking, "This is my fault," STOP. Tell yourself "No! This is not my fault. The disease of alcoholism is at fault!" Do whatever it takes to stop the thought.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((lorandgeoff)))))
WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us, but very sorry for the
reason you had to.
Please know, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. You did nothing by being there or not
being there that changed the course of what is happening to your father. He
did this to himself. Many alcoholics never find recovery or never strive for re-
covery.
Do what feels okay for you to do. If that means sitting with him until the end,
then by all means do that, but please do not do it out of someone trying to lay
a 'guilt trip' on you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
My father was a 'heavy drinker' all his life. Drank the same amount every day
for over 50 years. His passing was partly related to the health issues caused
by his excessive consumption of alcohol. My mother was literally allergic to
alcohol, but was a valium addict for at least 40+ years.
I am in recovery for many years now, from alcohol and drugs. I too felt bad
when my father got so sick at the end, started thinking about the 'should a',
'could a', and 'would a'. My sponsor reminded me that the only person I can
help or control is ME.
I am sure your father knows you love him, and you can continue to tell him so.
If you mean it, you can also tell him that it is okay to let go now, that he
can go home. Sometimes our loved ones, need that final reassurance from us.
Please know, that now that you have joined us, we will be with in spirit as you
walk through this.
I am so sorry for you and your family.
Sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your whole family.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing as we do care so
very much.
Love and hugs,
WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am glad you found us, but very sorry for the
reason you had to.
Please know, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. You did nothing by being there or not
being there that changed the course of what is happening to your father. He
did this to himself. Many alcoholics never find recovery or never strive for re-
covery.
Do what feels okay for you to do. If that means sitting with him until the end,
then by all means do that, but please do not do it out of someone trying to lay
a 'guilt trip' on you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
My father was a 'heavy drinker' all his life. Drank the same amount every day
for over 50 years. His passing was partly related to the health issues caused
by his excessive consumption of alcohol. My mother was literally allergic to
alcohol, but was a valium addict for at least 40+ years.
I am in recovery for many years now, from alcohol and drugs. I too felt bad
when my father got so sick at the end, started thinking about the 'should a',
'could a', and 'would a'. My sponsor reminded me that the only person I can
help or control is ME.
I am sure your father knows you love him, and you can continue to tell him so.
If you mean it, you can also tell him that it is okay to let go now, that he
can go home. Sometimes our loved ones, need that final reassurance from us.
Please know, that now that you have joined us, we will be with in spirit as you
walk through this.
I am so sorry for you and your family.
Sending good thoughts and prayers for you and your whole family.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing as we do care so
very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
I am a Dad and I am also watching my wife die from alcoholism so I truly understand your guilt. I hope our daughters never feel guilty for the choices I have made or their mother has made. Our greatest joy comes from letting our children grow to follow their hopes and dreams...anything else would be selfish on our part.
I'm sorry you are suffering; please believe me....none of this is your fault.
I'm sorry you are suffering; please believe me....none of this is your fault.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
My dad died too as a result of 'heavy drinking'. I was by his side when he died as a result of malaria - but due to the heavy drinking over the years, his liver did not stand a chance against the malaria - he died in my arms. He was my business partner and best friend. He was only 51 years old. My mum and dad had been married for over 36 years. We did everything in our power to get dad to stop drinking. He would have moments of not drinking - for perhaps 2 or sometimes even 8 months. My dad suffered from huge depression and would wallow in self - pity. He loved us all dearly - we were all so co-dependent. I (being the oldest of 3 children) believed that in someway I was responsible. That we did not do enough - I was angry with my mum for years as I believed she did 'not understand' dad - that mum did not do enough. I felt such guilt and there was so many unsaid things. My brother particularly took it very hard - he was only 21 when Dad died. But only now (and this is 10 years later) do I know absolutely that we could not have rescued Dad. This is NOT your responsibility. I suggest you stay by your Dad's side - say a prayer for him - tell him you love him - and that you forgive him for everything - let it go now - in the living years - while your dad can still hear you (believe me he can - even if he is on an incubator) - and I promise God (or whoever you believe in) will look after your DAd - and look after all of you. Just trust. This is the time you have to surrender!! You have to let it go - you are merely a human being just doing the best you can. You need to let go of the guilt - otherwise this horrific disease will continue to destroy you - and your children to come. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
My father died about 2 years ago from liver cancer. He was very jaundiced & bloated as well. It was horrible to see how quickly he was dying. The only thing I could do was be there with him in the hospital. We talked about a lot of things, mostly nothing too heavy, just having "the connection". We were never really close, mostly due to his drinking. Even after he sobered up it was hard to have a connection, even though we both knew we loved each other.
I couldn't make up for the years that we missed out on, but when he passed I knew that at the end we had bonded & even if it was only for a couple of weeks, we had a real father & son relationship. I will always be thankful for the last moments we had together. Somehow it seems like we got a lifetime in that small amount of time.
It can be hard not to slip into regrets about not being there, but I didn't cause his disease & sure as hell couldn't cure it. The only thing I could do is take care of me & be as strong as I could. That was the only way I could help him. If I was filled with guilt & regret I was of no use to him (or myself for that matter). I was there when the doctor came in the room & gave him the diagnosis of liver cancer. Just being there & being as strong as I could be I know was great comfort to him. we drew strength from each other & it grew. It was very hard to say goodbye, but much easier to live with knowing I made every effort I could. In the end, the only thing we can do is try our best.
I couldn't make up for the years that we missed out on, but when he passed I knew that at the end we had bonded & even if it was only for a couple of weeks, we had a real father & son relationship. I will always be thankful for the last moments we had together. Somehow it seems like we got a lifetime in that small amount of time.
It can be hard not to slip into regrets about not being there, but I didn't cause his disease & sure as hell couldn't cure it. The only thing I could do is take care of me & be as strong as I could. That was the only way I could help him. If I was filled with guilt & regret I was of no use to him (or myself for that matter). I was there when the doctor came in the room & gave him the diagnosis of liver cancer. Just being there & being as strong as I could be I know was great comfort to him. we drew strength from each other & it grew. It was very hard to say goodbye, but much easier to live with knowing I made every effort I could. In the end, the only thing we can do is try our best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
Thank you all for your help; was so touched, surprised and genuinely comforted by your messages. Have never posted on anything re this before.
Things have been difficult the last 2 weeks; Dad was admitted as I say on 30th June; he had (spelling) ascites, jaundice, encepholaphy (you know the water on brain thingy) and was really ill.
For the first 5 days they put him on a scored diazepam detox.
Day 1 the Sunday he was the best I had seen him in years, each day thereafter til the Thursday he seemed to go down 20% each day from being able to sit up to being in bed; to not being able to move.
The first five days I cried solid; was so hard. Day 5 I rang the hospital at 1120 and they said he had gone down hill. Ran from the train station and got to the hosptial at 1200. I thanked him for waiting for me and hugged him and told him not to worry about anything; that again I would make him proud and thanked him for being such a good dad; I said how sorry I was that he was in this place but gave him my blessing and said I hoped my granny would be waiting.
I asked him if he wanted a nurse but he said no so I kissed and held him. Then his legs contracted up and it looked like he was having a heart attack; turned out to be kidney failure.
I pressed the buzzer anyway but now wish I hadn't.
He was taken to MSCU special care unit and was given lines in his neck etc - they then gave him noradrenaline to try and kick start his kidneys; old drug but new way of using it - meant to get rid of toxins to stop coma etc.
I nursed him with my partner and never left his side for first 3 days. I was still facing denial from family members; I am his only biological child; I have an older brother and sister who have different Dad's. My Mum and Dad were seperated 20 years. He lived with me and my daughter and fiance.
My older brother was still saying he didn't drink that much! That it was the tablets etc.
I stayed with Dad until he said to me 'enough, enough'. I asked him Dad are you saying you want the treatment to stop and he said yes, I said to him Dad are you saying you wish to let nature take its course and he said yes.
I know they say with encephalopthy (can never spell or pronounce it!) that it affects cognition but do know my Dad; I felt during that time there were times he was out of it - others he was in and out but there were and are definately times he is fully with it.
I asked the staff to withdraw the noradrenaline but they would not; said it was a 10 day treatment. Dad continued to beg me to end it and I was in a situation could not do anything.
I asked other family members if they would support Dads decision but they would not.
My Brother said his girlfriend had lost her folks and was not ready to lose anyone else.
Situation now is that Dad rather than die a quick coma death at that time is now in a state he always promised us all not to let him end up in.
Yesterday was first time that he had come round somewhat, his derrier is in a terrible mess from the runs and the hosptial being short staffed, he now has pneumonia (was described as slight chest infection at first), ascites, varicies, hernia, no liver function, kidneys failing again, quadruple bypass, heart failure, heart disease, skin cancer, pins in his arms and legs, disintegrating pelvis and severe depression as well as alcoholism.
He seemed so sad and depressed to have been brought round; all I could say was that I tried to tell everyone but no-one would listen. He said it was not my fault; just kept saying that it was all over now; that they treat you like a wee boy. He cannot do anything for himself and during his last year made clear that he was sick of doctors and nurses and was avoiding appointments and treatment yet here he is in this terrible position and could be for weeks and months.
I am meant to get married on 27th July and just dont know what to do. I love my fiance but all this with Dad has just sucked the joy out of our lives at the moment. We could not afford to do it all this way again and I feel bad about people who have paid alot to come (and travel etc).
Plus (might as well mump away here) my fiance, 7 year old and I all ended up with norovirus the other night there and I was so tired, hadnt eaten and ill that I conked out and fell unconscious meaning I now am sporting a black eye!
If I had a magic wand I would have made the hospital listen when I withdrew consent for the noradrenaline. If I had then Dad would have passed peacefully by now like he wanted. Everyone though seemed hell bent on keeping a man alive who's body was going through so much and who wished to go. I don't blame them at all but now the reality is that he is as I say dying a very undignified awful death. Is it true he will either die from lack of liver, bleed to death or complications?
Does not help that everyone at the hosptial keeps telling us different things.
Just needed to vent; thank you for listening. X
Things have been difficult the last 2 weeks; Dad was admitted as I say on 30th June; he had (spelling) ascites, jaundice, encepholaphy (you know the water on brain thingy) and was really ill.
For the first 5 days they put him on a scored diazepam detox.
Day 1 the Sunday he was the best I had seen him in years, each day thereafter til the Thursday he seemed to go down 20% each day from being able to sit up to being in bed; to not being able to move.
The first five days I cried solid; was so hard. Day 5 I rang the hospital at 1120 and they said he had gone down hill. Ran from the train station and got to the hosptial at 1200. I thanked him for waiting for me and hugged him and told him not to worry about anything; that again I would make him proud and thanked him for being such a good dad; I said how sorry I was that he was in this place but gave him my blessing and said I hoped my granny would be waiting.
I asked him if he wanted a nurse but he said no so I kissed and held him. Then his legs contracted up and it looked like he was having a heart attack; turned out to be kidney failure.
I pressed the buzzer anyway but now wish I hadn't.
He was taken to MSCU special care unit and was given lines in his neck etc - they then gave him noradrenaline to try and kick start his kidneys; old drug but new way of using it - meant to get rid of toxins to stop coma etc.
I nursed him with my partner and never left his side for first 3 days. I was still facing denial from family members; I am his only biological child; I have an older brother and sister who have different Dad's. My Mum and Dad were seperated 20 years. He lived with me and my daughter and fiance.
My older brother was still saying he didn't drink that much! That it was the tablets etc.
I stayed with Dad until he said to me 'enough, enough'. I asked him Dad are you saying you want the treatment to stop and he said yes, I said to him Dad are you saying you wish to let nature take its course and he said yes.
I know they say with encephalopthy (can never spell or pronounce it!) that it affects cognition but do know my Dad; I felt during that time there were times he was out of it - others he was in and out but there were and are definately times he is fully with it.
I asked the staff to withdraw the noradrenaline but they would not; said it was a 10 day treatment. Dad continued to beg me to end it and I was in a situation could not do anything.
I asked other family members if they would support Dads decision but they would not.
My Brother said his girlfriend had lost her folks and was not ready to lose anyone else.
Situation now is that Dad rather than die a quick coma death at that time is now in a state he always promised us all not to let him end up in.
Yesterday was first time that he had come round somewhat, his derrier is in a terrible mess from the runs and the hosptial being short staffed, he now has pneumonia (was described as slight chest infection at first), ascites, varicies, hernia, no liver function, kidneys failing again, quadruple bypass, heart failure, heart disease, skin cancer, pins in his arms and legs, disintegrating pelvis and severe depression as well as alcoholism.
He seemed so sad and depressed to have been brought round; all I could say was that I tried to tell everyone but no-one would listen. He said it was not my fault; just kept saying that it was all over now; that they treat you like a wee boy. He cannot do anything for himself and during his last year made clear that he was sick of doctors and nurses and was avoiding appointments and treatment yet here he is in this terrible position and could be for weeks and months.
I am meant to get married on 27th July and just dont know what to do. I love my fiance but all this with Dad has just sucked the joy out of our lives at the moment. We could not afford to do it all this way again and I feel bad about people who have paid alot to come (and travel etc).
Plus (might as well mump away here) my fiance, 7 year old and I all ended up with norovirus the other night there and I was so tired, hadnt eaten and ill that I conked out and fell unconscious meaning I now am sporting a black eye!
If I had a magic wand I would have made the hospital listen when I withdrew consent for the noradrenaline. If I had then Dad would have passed peacefully by now like he wanted. Everyone though seemed hell bent on keeping a man alive who's body was going through so much and who wished to go. I don't blame them at all but now the reality is that he is as I say dying a very undignified awful death. Is it true he will either die from lack of liver, bleed to death or complications?
Does not help that everyone at the hosptial keeps telling us different things.
Just needed to vent; thank you for listening. X
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
My Dad still only tells me the truth which I find frustrating; yesterday again he was saying how he had had enough but he doesn't tell anyone else and so I end up feeling so bad and guilty that he is where he is. I say to him to say to them but he has done this for a long time; telling me one thing and them another. I know he doesn't mean to but it is very hurtful for me when I try to tell them and then they don't believe me (or my fiance) he has been with me the whole time.
Life at present feels so dark; I know it sounds daft but my fiance and I just feel like there is a big black cloud over us. We weren't serious but it did seem joint suicide was the only way to get peace at present as so much was going on. Before Dad we didn't have it very easy (and I don't mean to wallow) and we truly hoped that things were getting better. Guess we are not hard to please really; some quality time together and bit of drama free living for just a month or two is all that we would need.
Think we are just running on empty and need a rest.
It is amazing to not feel so alone. X
Life at present feels so dark; I know it sounds daft but my fiance and I just feel like there is a big black cloud over us. We weren't serious but it did seem joint suicide was the only way to get peace at present as so much was going on. Before Dad we didn't have it very easy (and I don't mean to wallow) and we truly hoped that things were getting better. Guess we are not hard to please really; some quality time together and bit of drama free living for just a month or two is all that we would need.
Think we are just running on empty and need a rest.
It is amazing to not feel so alone. X
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
OH Lora, what a difficult situation for you and your family. I'd like to remind you again of the 3 C's:'
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
and you can't cure this
None of this is your fault. You did what you could, and the rest happened. It's always hard to watch our loved ones die - my mother died of COPD (from 60 yrs of smoking) and it was a slow and agonizing death. Her final week was incredibly difficult for all of us.
As you get to know us here, you will come to learn that we support and listen, and try to share our own ESH ( experience, strength and hope). We will also encourage you to take care of yourself, especially in times of great stress. It can be incredibly hard on your body, mind , and spirit to always try to care for others... so it's important to take care of YOU as well
I'm sorry for the circumstances, yet I'm glad you're here. There is much wisdom and strength to be found at SR.
Hugs and love
Cats
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
and you can't cure this
None of this is your fault. You did what you could, and the rest happened. It's always hard to watch our loved ones die - my mother died of COPD (from 60 yrs of smoking) and it was a slow and agonizing death. Her final week was incredibly difficult for all of us.
As you get to know us here, you will come to learn that we support and listen, and try to share our own ESH ( experience, strength and hope). We will also encourage you to take care of yourself, especially in times of great stress. It can be incredibly hard on your body, mind , and spirit to always try to care for others... so it's important to take care of YOU as well
I'm sorry for the circumstances, yet I'm glad you're here. There is much wisdom and strength to be found at SR.
Hugs and love
Cats
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Lora,
I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My parents both died rather young from cancer. Their suffering was painful for us all.
I agree with CatsPajamas that taking care of yourself during this time is important.
Is there a family counselor available at the hospital? A hospital chaplain? Speaking with someone who has experience in dealing with loss can be a way of taking care of yourself. Letting you express your feelings in a safe place with a caring professional may help you to process your emotions.
In recovery, I have learned to use my self awareness technique:
HALT
In times of stress, I check myself before I wreck myself by asking myself if I am:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely or
Tired
If I am any of those, then I need to attend to my needs before I react/respond to a situation.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My parents both died rather young from cancer. Their suffering was painful for us all.
I agree with CatsPajamas that taking care of yourself during this time is important.
Is there a family counselor available at the hospital? A hospital chaplain? Speaking with someone who has experience in dealing with loss can be a way of taking care of yourself. Letting you express your feelings in a safe place with a caring professional may help you to process your emotions.
In recovery, I have learned to use my self awareness technique:
HALT
In times of stress, I check myself before I wreck myself by asking myself if I am:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely or
Tired
If I am any of those, then I need to attend to my needs before I react/respond to a situation.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ask your father if he will give you a Medical Power of Attorney which
gives you say so over all medical decisions and is a legal paper to the
hospital.
If he says yes, get one typed up quickly and bring a Notary with you
to the hospital. That way the notary will sign as to his signature and
be able to say he was coherent.
Once it is signed, give a copy to the hospital and then per his requests
you can stop the treatments.
This takes you literally out of the 'middle' between your dad and the
hospital.
Please do not feel guilty. Even at the end the alcoholic like to or
knows no other way, but to MANIPULATE.
Another thing you can do for you, is bring a tape recorder and
record your conversations. If it will make you feel better, then
you have proof positive that he has requested this several times.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
gives you say so over all medical decisions and is a legal paper to the
hospital.
If he says yes, get one typed up quickly and bring a Notary with you
to the hospital. That way the notary will sign as to his signature and
be able to say he was coherent.
Once it is signed, give a copy to the hospital and then per his requests
you can stop the treatments.
This takes you literally out of the 'middle' between your dad and the
hospital.
Please do not feel guilty. Even at the end the alcoholic like to or
knows no other way, but to MANIPULATE.
Another thing you can do for you, is bring a tape recorder and
record your conversations. If it will make you feel better, then
you have proof positive that he has requested this several times.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 7
Hi All
Dad continued to decline; I married in very quiet service 27th July, rest of family in denial (saying that hospice was for terminally ill patients). Dad waited for me to get back and died in his sleep on 30th July.
Was guilty did not stay at hosptial that night with him.
Did go to see him in the morning and he looked at peace and incredibly even smiling.
His funeral was on Saturday and did a Eulogy for him.
In it just thanked him for all he taught me; also said about how he was a gentleman to the end; always saying please and thank u, listed some of his bad points too as he hated anyone being made out to be a saint a funeral; such as being an eternal worrier - bin day was thursday but from friday onwards even though there was 6 days to go to the next collection that bin would edge 1 foot at a time towards the gate.
Said that he was right about most things in life; but there was one thing he was wrong about; recently he had said if he had a mansion and 2 flash cars then he would believe in a God; each has their own belief about God but if offered the choice between any amount of money or having him back to his prime, happy, with a spark in his eye and a body that worked - even some hair; I would not take the money for our life was richer for knowing him.
Even in the darkest of times there is much to be grateful for and I am glad he was such a good Grandad to my wee girl until the last 1-2 years when he was just too ill.
It saddens me greatly that his last months he withdrew and was not himself. I was previously always so close to him. But again; there is the joy of knowing he is not suffering any more.
Hardest month of my life; knocked myself unconscious too - lol - you couldn't make it up.
On a plus point; when my husband went to pick up our wee girl I did laugh when he said she had told the childcarer he worked at McDonalds and it was his job to put the toys in the little boxes!
Dad continued to decline; I married in very quiet service 27th July, rest of family in denial (saying that hospice was for terminally ill patients). Dad waited for me to get back and died in his sleep on 30th July.
Was guilty did not stay at hosptial that night with him.
Did go to see him in the morning and he looked at peace and incredibly even smiling.
His funeral was on Saturday and did a Eulogy for him.
In it just thanked him for all he taught me; also said about how he was a gentleman to the end; always saying please and thank u, listed some of his bad points too as he hated anyone being made out to be a saint a funeral; such as being an eternal worrier - bin day was thursday but from friday onwards even though there was 6 days to go to the next collection that bin would edge 1 foot at a time towards the gate.
Said that he was right about most things in life; but there was one thing he was wrong about; recently he had said if he had a mansion and 2 flash cars then he would believe in a God; each has their own belief about God but if offered the choice between any amount of money or having him back to his prime, happy, with a spark in his eye and a body that worked - even some hair; I would not take the money for our life was richer for knowing him.
Even in the darkest of times there is much to be grateful for and I am glad he was such a good Grandad to my wee girl until the last 1-2 years when he was just too ill.
It saddens me greatly that his last months he withdrew and was not himself. I was previously always so close to him. But again; there is the joy of knowing he is not suffering any more.
Hardest month of my life; knocked myself unconscious too - lol - you couldn't make it up.
On a plus point; when my husband went to pick up our wee girl I did laugh when he said she had told the childcarer he worked at McDonalds and it was his job to put the toys in the little boxes!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I'm sorry. There are no words that can fix this pain. I can identify, though. I lost my mom in December to lung cancer; a totally preventable cancer if she had just chose to stop smoking. My mother actually planned her day around her habit to the point she didn't really know my children and I didn't see her very often. But, when she was diagnosed my husband graciously cared for my children allowing me to spent whatever time she had left on this earth. I don't regret one moment of that time. I would do it again, even tho she preferred her smokes to my family. At least things that needed to be said were for all of us. Healing took place for me, my siblings, and my mother during her last days. I hope you can find that, too.
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