pinkchampagne

I have been thinking a lot about what you all have said about telling my parents the whole truth about my boyfriend. I don’t think that they will like the news, and Im afraid they will tell me they want me to break up with him. That is what all of you say I should do, and I do get what your saying that I deserve someone with nothing bad in their past, and someone that I wont have to worry about going back to drugs. But here is what I don’t understand a lot of you are with people that stopped using drugs. Havent they proved that it is possible to change?

I have never caused my parents to worry about me. Ive never been in any trouble, and I have done good in school, and graduated college. My parents are proud of me, but they do still do a lot for me which I know you all think is wrong. And that is where I get confused. If Im an adult then maybe I should not bother them with this. Its mine to handle and make a decision about, and if I tell them and they want me to break up with him, then I have to do what they want to avoid making them angry, worried, disappointed, and maybe even having them take away their support in worst case, or stop talking to me like some of you have done to your kids. I don’t think my parents would go that far, but they would make me feel bad all the time if I stay with him against their will. But if I don’t tell them that that is being untrue to myself because if I think this is acceptable then I need to stand up for what Im doing . I think that is what all of you are telling me. Is that right? That is what Im feeling. Like I cant hide this because that makes his past seem ever darker than it is, like Im ashamed and hiding it.

He agreed to tell my parents everything and show them the information from his attorney that proves he wasn’t in town when all this happened. He doesn’t really want to because he thinks they will turn on him saying he is not good enough for me. But he says he will fight for me if that happens and he will prove to them he is worthy of me.

And then one of you said it was mean to even tell them and have them worrying about me and all of this, so I am still confused and trying to decide what is best.

cc88

No one said its wrong to do stuff for your kids. My parents do alot for me. Then again, I dont use drugs. I'm employed full time. I'm married. I pay bills.

All they said was that doing something that cancels out consequences of your kids bad decisions is doing more harm than good. Allowing your children to feel the consequences of their actions is an act of love.

You aren't responsible for your parents decisions. Try to take emotion out of it. You are making a choice to continue in a relationship with a former drug user who is being investigated in a murder trial. As a consequence, your parents may choose to stop supporting you financially. That's their decision. They may feel like continuing to do so will send you the wrong message and possibly enable you further into making more dangerous decisions. They have to weigh the good and the bad just like you do, and they have to do whats right for them.

They love you, they aren't out to spoil your fun. I will say this though, NO guy is worth driving a stake between you and your parents. The right person for you will love your parents, and they will love him. If the two are at odds its usually already a bad sign. There are a million fish in the sea, but you only have one family.

All that being said, its definitely a good idea to tell them whats going on. Imagine when they google him later and find out you've been keeping it from him. I guarantee things will be alot worse than they would have been had you guys just been open and put the cards on the table.

MsPINKAcres

You have gotten quite a few suggestions ~

What do YOU want to do?
(not your bf, not his parents, not all of us here, just YOU?)

what do you feel your HP (higher power) leading you to do? You are the one that knows your relationship with your parents the best ~ how they would feel if they found out the information from some one else? whether it's best to let it wait til you know the outcome, or to let them know what is going on ~ How would you feel if your parents knew something this important and kept it from you? Look at their perspective, look at yours -

It's YOUR decision ~

You are a strong & wise woman ~ seek the healthy decision within you

PINK HUGS,
Rita

LoveMeNow

Pink,

Many people have HAD to stop talking to their children out of self preservation, to save their sanity, their health, save their other relationships, because of the choices their children have made. A choice to continue in active addiction. It wasn't an easy decision, in fact - probably the most difficult choice they will ever have to make.

These parents have learned the hard way, As much as they tried, they could not "save" their own children. Rehabs, detox, jail, theft, fear of own safety, worry, stress and sickness have been a part of this decision making. Please don't take it lightly.

pinkchampagne

I want to tell them MsPink. (Nice Name) I am usually very honest with them. I mean I havent told them everytime I made a mistake, or did something they wouldnt approve of, becaue I learned from those mistakes, and they didnt have any bad effects on me, didnt affect anyone else, didnt have consequences.
Like the one time I got drunk with my girlfriends, or when I did bad on a class test because I wasnt talking it seriously, or something like that. I remember the one time I got a speeding ticket and I was afraid to tell them, but afraid not to because I thought they would find out because of the car insurance. They were not mad at me or anything, just told me I had to drive more careful.

Im scared to tell them though about this because it sounds so bad. I know what I would think hearing it and so I try to see if my judgement has been changed from being so in love with my boyfriend.

I decided not to tell them on the phone though because Im safe here and we will be going home in a few days and then is when I should do it.

Someone asked how we met. He works at the same place as one of my girlfriends boyfriend, and she had met him and said he was really cute and really nice. Then she showed me is picture and stuff on her boyfriends facebook, and asked if I wanted to meet him. So her boyfriend told him about me, and he said sure he would like to meet me, and we all went out together. My girlfriend and her boyfriend are good people, and never use drugs or drink much or anything. To me they sort of vouched for him. That is how we met.

MsPINKAcres

Thanks my PINK friend ~ if you want to tell them - I think you should ~ you are probably right - as a Mom of 5 girls & now I have recently acquired to grown 2 step-sons - I wouldn't want to hear this information over the phone either

As most parents feel - I have always told my daughters as they were growing up, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do that will make me NOT love you ~ I may not always agree with your actions or your choices, but I will always love you. I too have had to temporarily stop communications with one of my daughters when she was at the depths of her disease - it wasn't an easy decision to make but it was giving her the dignity & self-respect to find a healthier way to live her life. (i spent many nites in tears missing her)

Keep your eyes, heart and mind open for your HP's healthy direction ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

tomsteve

He agreed to tell my parents everything and show them the information from his attorney that proves he wasn’t in town when all this happened. He doesn’t really want to because he thinks they will turn on him saying he is not good enough for me. But he says he will fight for me if that happens and he will prove to them he is worthy of me.

fight for you? has to prove things to your parents?? doesnt that sound rather childish?

doggonecarl

I would like to think some change. But I can’t speak for every addict, only one—myself. I started using drugs when I left home at 17. I took anything that got me high, but was addicted to speed and pot. Quit all illegal drugs (kept drinking…another story and why I’m on SR) when I was 30. Went back to college, got a undergraduate degree and my Masters. I started a new career, bought a house. By every measure I was a success, my addiction problems behind me. Twenty years after I quit, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was there with her during the hospice stage and started abusing my her painkillers, oxycodone.

Twenty years…

Why? Part of reason I relapsed was I never went through any kind of formal recovery. I just quit, not giving much thought to why I ever turned to drugs in the first place. So when the right circumstances presented themselves, I fell back on what was my coping mechanism for so long. Escape.

I’m not trying to imply that your boyfriend used for the same reasons I did, or that he’ll relapse. I have no idea. I do know I never, ever, expected to fall back into my old ways…

Yet I did.

I guess what I am saying is you'll never know. Continue with this relationship knowing it's a risk. Maybe something you are willing to take. Your call.

I wish you nothing but the best. It took a lot of courage for you to post here. Thanks for reminding me that my past isn't just mine alone. It affects the people in my life.

SadHeart

You tell them the truth because that's the right thing to do, and because it's the truth. And because you are bringing this person into their lives and they have the right to know what kind of a person he is and to decide for themselves whether they want to risk interacting with them. And they will have any kind of reaction they want to have. That's their right. You are trying to control their reaction by withholding information you know they want. You are trying to manipulate their feelings for him to fall in line with yours by being deceptive. And this is not adult, adults tell the truth and live with the consequences.

If you are an adult you tell them, and if they decide they don't want to be around him, you respect that. And if they decide to pressure you into leaving them you respond to that like an adult; you stand up for yourself and own the decision to continue on with someone they disapprove of.

Adulthood is achieved through autonomy. Autonomy is not just an age, or finishing college, or having children, or supporting yourself. Autonomy is maturity and independence in thought and feeling.

Read up on autonomy, enmeshed families, groupthink in families, and codependence and see if any of these things apply to your situation.

Also read up on people-pleasing and why it's a really bad life-coping strategy and why it doesn't ultimately lead to peace and happiness and everyone liking you. It's ironic and counterintuitive, but life-long people pleasing leads to neuroses, bitterness and people being mad at you for things you don't understand.

Tell your parents, and deal with the fallout. That's what adults do.

SadHeart

And you tell them, because if things don't work out well for BF, you don't want them reading about it first time in the newspaper.

LuvMySis

Might I suggest that your boyfriend leave his file at home? But if he insists on taking it along, please remove the photo of the dead girl and all references to her. Her privacy should be protected, no matter what the circumstances are.

Jody675

glad to that you want to tell your family. and they may not always agree with your decisions, but as your pink counterpart said, your parents will always love you no matter what, and yes they may stop supporting you but maybe that would be a good thing too. standing on your own two feet might help. being secure in yourself to make strong good decisions is a sign of maturity and strength. it is generally something you learn by having to rely on you own decision making and falling flat on your face. being 26 it might be time for you to start thinking too about doing some more of that. this might be the trigger. I'm going to guess they will not be happy with your bf background and current situation, but what happens next is all up to you. maybe you should start standing on your own two feet and start owning your future instead of letting others (parents/bf) do it for you. you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Zoenob

I'm not sure what to tell you about telling your parents but what does send me a red flag is that you said in your other post- "I talked to him about telling my parents everything and he isn’t trying to stop me but he wants to be there and be able to show them all the stuff from the attorney so they will understand he had nothing to do with it."

I don't know but it seems very controlling on his part. Does he want to be there to make sure he controls and manipulates the situation? Does he feel like he can charm your parents and play down the situation? You were not there with him at the police station or with his attorney but he wants to make sure he is there with you. That seems ironic to me.

Just think about it.

Maybe see what his reaction would be if you said you wanted to tell your parents alone.

Not to worry you more but this isn't necessarily over. In my state you can get convicted for manslaughter if you provide the drugs or alcohol that lead to the death of another person, regardless if that person took their own life.

This is a lot of heavy stuff to willingly want to go through with someone else. You are not engaged or married and this is not a family member. You are not obligated to participate in his journey or take on responsibility for his past.

Meditate, pray, and do some deep thinking. Is this what you want?

OklaBH

You need to tell them. You also need time away from him to clear your mind.

SadHeart

I agree with all the above.

And want to add, it's more worrisome that he's being investigated 3 years after the murder. The investigation never stopped, they just eliminated a lot of people, and he's left. They've already checked his phone records and bank statements/receipts. They've had time to disqualify the 'obvious' suspects.

I'm interested in when you found out about this girl. You've known him for a year, and he's only now getting around to telling you? Mysteriously murdered XGFs are sort of one of the things you discuss in a relationship.

Exploring

I hope you tell your parents about the reality of what is going on in YOUR life. Your story has been difficult to read. I do understand where you are coming from. Yet, I totally see where others who are trying to help are coming from as well.

Cutting to the chase. You are in a very tough spot. You are going to do whatever you want regardless of what anyone says and that is your absolute right. I think everyone has an innate intuition about what is right or wrong for them. The key is if you are willing to listen. Take some time to be alone, Listen to your inner self and you will know YOUR answer. Go with that. Sometimes it's hard and counter-intuitive but if you follow your instincts you will never be sorry.

I wish you well and hope you will keep posting.

Exploring

One more thing. I think you have offended some people on this site. Hopefully, you won't let that stop you from posting. You know that life is imperfect, we are human and there are many differing opinions. I hope you don't leave as I feel this site has a lot to offer. Everyone is different. Everyone has a story. Everyone deserves to to be heard. It's not always easy but there is something to be learned by listening to each person's perspective. Take what you want, and leave the rest.

OklaBH

You are 1000% right. Most situations are solved in the first 24 hours to a week. They obviously arent chalking this up to an accidental overdose or wild sex gone bad. Im sure they have extensively interviewed everyone else. Oh and look who is left! And he shows up with a GREAT ATTORNEY. Everytime she posts I look for some redeeming quality about this guy. So far I cant see anything good about any of this. Evenually if Pink chooses to absorb it...she will get the real story and it wont be pretty.

incitingsilence

Using and those not using yet not working some recovery can be defined by the behaviors. It isn’t just the drug, the drug is a symptom of the disease. So it doesn’t matter if one stopped using, it is the recovery whatever that is that they seek out that gives them a chance.

So some of the behaviors…and please note, some of the best of the best masters of manipulation can fake the good stuff, they know what to say having been taught over and over what works, what doesn’t. by gauging the reactions of those around them to them.

Lying, never having any money, crying broke, despite working, sponging off of parents, always blaming others, or making excuses, comparing out ( which is talking in comparison to others, I am not as bad as so and so ) make no mistake this is a huge showing of how bad one is or was them self. Not taking responsibility for ones actions, always leaving problems to be fixed by others.
And inability to accept life on it’s terms, a need to control those around, manipulative behavior, not allowing you to have your own feeling, or taken into considering, dismissing your feelings as not valid.

These above are some huge read flags…in reading your story I would add, not being truthful about one’s past, asking one’s gf to use drugs with, asking one’s gf to lie for, asking one’s gf to allow him to manipulate her parents into liking him with court papers.
I did cringe with the I will do everything to prove to them…

I will tell you right now one of the biggest things you should be paying attention to is YOUR CONFUSION. Those who are healthy know exactly what is best for them, always.

I also suggest he be nowhere around when you tell your parents, you are a big girl, go and talk to them yourself. Allow them to be able to say what they feel to you, express their concern. Him being there will change the dynamics in an unhealthy way. Him being there will give him too much information, to play one further is that he is doing.

Also people with strong recoveries don’t give a **** who likes them, who believes them, they are so way past that and moving on with life on it’s terms. They dropped all that codie must be liked and people pleaser crazy stuff. They have no need to prove they changed because the change is obvious just like the using was. Oh and this one is gonna sting some, people with strong recoveries wouldn’t tolerate how you are acting, they would expect you to act 26 and be an adult and not have any fear of telling your parents because you are a big girl and can choose to live how you wish too.

Now you take what you need and leave the rest to die …

Also I find it a bit manipulative for any parent to tell their adult child how to live whether they are addicts or not. I find it disgusting to use any I can love if you don‘t use or don’t do as I say, can‘t be near you if you aren‘t…. It is part of the sickness thing. And please consider that your parents supporting you gives them control over you.

This is your life, you can choose to live it any way you wish. Please at least read about codependency, the dysfunctional family unit, addiction and enabling for you not to understand him, but to understand what addiction is for all side involved

Above all else take good care of you, and stay safe!

lightseeker

Pink,

You've received a lot of input on your posts and imagine that some of it has been tough to read.

First of all, I found myself in a tough situation too and I know that eventually I figured out the best path for me. I also know that if I could do it that you will too. No doubt. You have a lot of things to think through and you will figure out what is best for you.

I also want to make a few other points.....for some reason, the more that I felt judged the more that that flung me back to my partner. It seemed that he was the only one that really understood how painful the whole thing was and was the only one that offered any sympathy for me. That scenario sent me back to him again and again and again. I truly did not feel that anyone else really understood my situation. Do you feel any of that?

What really helped me was to finally quit worrying about what to do about him and how to handle what was happening with him. I finally got it that I was powerless over all of that. I began to fervently work on ME. What qualities did I want in a partner? Someone that was financially independent, responsible, healthy, fit, calm, happy, autonomous, serene, and mature. So there - instead of externalizing those qualities that I wanted in someone else I had my list to work on me. No matter what happened with my partner if I stuck to my list about "me" then I would end up better off no matter what happened. I was able to then frame all of my decisions/questions around the goal of becoming that person. "IS THIS GOING TO HELP ME BECOME THE ME THAT I WANT TO BE?" I no longer allowed myself the luxury of asking "is this the best thing for him or our relationship". I knew that until I was really that person with the qualities that I desired that I probably (absolutely) was not the healthiest partner.

Honestly, I think that one of the reasons that I so believed in my partner was because deep down I really wanted someone to believe in me. It's taken me a long time to realize that the only person that counts in believing in you is yourself. Once I got closer to that place of understanding I figured out that I was able to make better decisions for me.

So taking baby steps on determining who I am and who I want to become (for myself and not someone else) was a good place for me to begin. I know that everyone is warning you to be safe and know that you must feel that you are (or else you would change your circumstances). I know that my gut feelings really are never wrong so I've learned that if I ever feel uncomfortable anywhere/anytime it's important to heed that. No matter who I am with it's prudent to have an escape route planned.

I agree that being able to post here is important and hope that you will continue. You don't have to justify your choices to anyone else but yourself. Take what you like and leave the rest as they say.........I'm not sure about your other posts but I reread the ones you wrote from this thread and there were no requests for advice ....I really want to honor that. I think that advice that isn't specifically asked for is never appreciated. Sometimes I just need to put something out there in order to hear myself think. I know that I'll find the answers eventually. It does help if other people ask me questions though. If I notice any defensiveness in my responses that's always a trailhead to look deeper.

Hope that you are doing "ok".....sending you gentle hugs.