crazybabie

Why is it so bad for him to talk to my parents. I mean it is about him and he knows all the facts and can it explain it better than me is what I was thinking

He likely thinks he can manipulate them his EGO is so big after all he has manipulated a whole lot of other people.

lightseeker

it's hard for me to watch someone make choices that I fear will cause them to experience the mistakes and pain that I have suffered in my life. It's almost like if I can "save" even one person from that experience then what I went through was worth SOMETHING. I want to reach out and "save" you Pink because after I peel off all of the layers I'm still trying to control things and maybe even save myself.

Once I step back though and reach deep into my recovery I realize that the only thing that I have any possibility of controlling is myself. I also think about the saying "hands off the addict". It's easy to extrapolate that to the substance abuser but it also applies to the loved ones of addicts (who are addicted to an addict....even if he/she is "clean"). I realize that I need to keep my hands off of you and your choices. If I follow the tenants of my recovery program it is to share my experience, strength, and hope. That translates into speaking of how I found hope for me. And it was because I had somewhere to turn each step of the way (the rooms of recovery) where I found acceptance and understanding no matter how much I chose the path that led to great distruction for me and my life.

I appreciate how that community was there before, during, and after while I made the choices that I did.....not telling my family and friends the whole truth about my ex husband, how I took any information and tweaked it to not seem quite as bad when I did talk about him and his history. Most of all I talked about how he had changed. I was a heat seeking missle heading towards my target - which was a determination to be in a relationship with my ex and stand by his side (as he "nobly" dealt with his past). I mean, what type of partner would I have been had I walked away from him when he was finally doing the right thing and dealing with his past. All so that we could have a future.

During the course of our relationship my husband became sober after a 20 year history of crack addiction. But maybe he really wasn't an addict because he was able to quit....don't know - just saying. Actually, I'm being very sarcastic about that. Yes...he stopped but his addictive personality became obvious in small and large ways in terms of behaviors. Without working a recovery program those core behaviors and beliefs underscored his entire approach to life as time went on.

I would never have believed that my ex was able to treat me the way that he ended up treating me. It's almost like there was a part of him that hated me for loving him and then did everything possible to destroy me and our relationship. We had had the most glorious of loves/chemistry/alligence for one another and yes....I was VERY addicted to him and to us. Even now I have moments where I remember all of that and think "maybe" but then I play the tape out and know how it will end.

In AA/NA I've heard it said about someone that goes back out "he/she's just not done yet". They don't try and stop that person - they say go ahead and try it some more, we'll be keeping your seat warm though. We hope that if you actually do have a problem that you are able to find your way back". That is always said with compassion but with the realism that we have to believe what we believe for ourselves and not because some one tries to spare us that pain.

So, I really support you in doing whatever it is that you need to do. Tell your parents or not or tell them whatever version of his past that sounds the best.......I know that the only thing that helped me to reach for my own recovery was to hit my bottom. If I hadn't gone down to the core of that bottom I would still be trying to make my crazy life with addiction work out. I'm honestly not predicting what will or won't happen for you and your BF. I hope that there is something that will magically make this all better and work out for both of you (I'm still a sucker for Cinderella stories....). I really mean that last comment.

But.....if it doesn't....then there is a "chair" here for you and I'm keeping it warm.....just in case. I hope that for your sake that you aren't "one of us" but if it turns out you are there will will always be the hand of recovery reaching out for you. I have to remember that determining whether someone is "one of us" is really up to that person no matter how much I recognize a potential member of the group.

tjp613

That's a real work of art, Lightseeker. Thank you for being here. ((((Hugs))))

OklaBH

He certainly tried to "help" alot of young women get off drugs

Ann

As a parent, I most definitely and absolutely would not want to meet this man. I would appreciate my child sharing the truth with me and accepting that I am adult enough to form my own opinions about this. But the discussion should be between my child and myself. Choosing to meet the man "might" come after he is cleared of all wrongdoing...and not a minute before. Right now he is a #1 murder suspect.

The reason I would not want to meet him is because it is "possible" that he is a murderer and my life (as well as my child's) could be in danger. If he is a murderer and possibly an active addict too, something could set him off and he could do harm to me if he felt I didn't approve and if he felt I had any influence over my daughters life.

My son is an addict who has never hurt me ever...but he runs with the wrong people, people who would think nothing of getting at him by hurting me. So I stay low key, I don't expose myself through Facebook or any social media...because I'd just be too easy to find...and hurt.

This may sound like "somebody else's" life to you, pink, but the truth is that this is exactly how murders happen and don't for a moment think it couldn't happen to you.

I have chosen to stay off your threads, nothing personal, but I felt compelled to post on this one to try to protect your parents from the kind of danger that could happen if you brought this man to your home.

That's all I have to say on this.

Hugs

Vale

This pattern is common in the animal kingdom.

"Don't fear me,I am safe,I won't hurt you"

Camoflage,mimicry,disarming of defensive traits & tactics.
Effective countermeasures to overcome natural defenses.

Big flaming red predators that make a lot of noise are nonexistent.
(They'd never get enough food to stay in the gene pool)

Good advice,Ann.......VERY good advice.
I pray Pink/C heeds it.

lesliej

lightseeker...this is so powerful to read "I would never have believed that my ex was able to treat me the way that he ended up treating me. It's almost like there was a part of him that hated me for loving him and then did everything possible to destroy me and our relationship. We had had the most glorious of loves/chemistry/alligence for one another and yes....I was VERY addicted to him and to us. Even now I have moments where I remember all of that and think "maybe" but then I play the tape out and know how it will end."

that is how I felt with my ex. when he was working a program hard I would get to be with the man I loved...but then whenever he would start to slide I would be dealing with the teeth gnashing leslie hating addict inside of him. he would try to keep that part under wraps...but it would sneak out, criticize my "concerns"

I think the self loathing that is buried in the addict lashes out and attacks other people...it begins slowly. addiction, like recovery, grows slowly and often you don't even notice how bad it is until other people are begging you to get out of the situation

a lot like what pink is describing, the difference is that he didn't have money to send me shopping...