Thinking about moving closer to Husbands Rehab
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Thinking about moving closer to Husbands Rehab
My husband completed 30 days in rehab, and he came home last weekend on a pass. I wrote a little bit about how it was going on Saturday, but I wanted to give an update. I have been debating if I should post how Im feeling because part of me is afraid that as soon as I express my hope and all the positives that I see in him; inevitably something will happen to snatch all that recovery away.
I was also reading another post from someone who has been through this rehab situation many times, and so I know to many of you my post will seem like it is based on nothing, because it is too soon. But everyday means something I think, and I have decided that I want to acknowledge how Im feeling now regardless of what happens later.
There were a lot of things I noticed that impressed me. When he first came home, he took his phone and laid it on the kitchen counter and wrote himself a reminder note when to call in to speak with his doctor as was planned. He put the note by the phone. The phone stayed there all weekend, except when he made those calls. I was with him both times when he remembered and said he was going to go call now. I was prepared to remind him if he forgot, but it didn’t happen.
I had mentioned before about how after he went into rehab his car was put in our garage, and that my brother in law had cleaned it inside and out, and had found a small stash of drugs in the car. He got rid of them of course. It had upset my brother in law, and I debated about mentioning it to my husband while he was away, but I didn’t want to upset him and it seemed irrelevant to his treatment at the time so I said nothing. The car was locked. My husband did not have keys to the car on him. I had the only 2 sets. He never went near the car, or asked about the keys all weekend. I don’t know if he even knew there were drugs in there, but I assume people don’t forget that type of thing. I told him on Monday before he left that his brother had cleaned the car and what he found. I couldn’t tell if he knew. He seemed to be concerned his brother was faced with seeing that and dealing with the drugs.
He showed a lot of attention to our son who is now 5 months old. He asked me a lot of questions about him, just like he has been doing this whole time while in rehab. He got to see his room for the first time, and he said it looked nice and I had done a great job. He showed emotion at seeing that I had several pictures of both of us together in our sons room. I said, of course we are his mommy and daddy. He asked how I got the baby furniture home and set up. It was like he felt that was his job and he failed at doing his part. He wanted to learn a lot of things like how to put the carseat in and fasten him correctly. I tried to let him take part in everything going on with our son, and he seemed to want to be part of all of it. He asked me things I didn’t even think about telling him at first. Like how he had to be laid down in his crib to prevent SIDS. I have of course a ton of baby books and what to expect type books, and he asked if he could take one of them back with him to read. We shared a first with our son & fed him watery mushy rice cereal. But it is the only thing he has had except milk, so for us it was really something to watch him eat from a tiny spoon for the first time. And my husband got to spoon feed him. I felt really positive about all the interest, care, thoughtfulness he showed with our son.
This was our 4th wedding anniversary, and he had ordered a gift for me and had it shipped to rehab, and brought it home to give me. It made me cry of course as it was a thoughtful gift. I got him something but I made it more practical but he seemed to like it a lot. He played the piano for me which is something he used to do. And he told me he had been playing some at the rehab place because it helped to relax him when he had a lot of anxiety.
On Sunday, I asked if he wanted to take our dog and go to the store and buy some chow for him. That is something he used to like to do, and he said sure. But then he was getting ready and said he was a little afraid to drive because he still gets hit with anxiety sometimes and was worried with our traffic and the fact our dog gets wild in the car might cause it to happen. So I said we could all go, and I would drive. We ended up having fun at the pet store.
He seemed really emotional and introspective on things this weekend. I know some people will say that it is possibly some form of manipulation where he wants to win sympathy, but I didn’t feel that way at all. I really tried to keep my feelings in check when he would talk about how much guilt he has, or how bad he feels about certain things. I know he needs to feel all of that, and deal with it to heal. I didn’t try to minimize whats been lost, but I did share what I feel, and that is we cant dwell on the past. We have to deal with it and move on. I have a ton of guilt myself and I wanted to tell him a lot of things, but I held back because Im afraid he is too fragile right now. Or maybe I am ? The doctor told us to acknowledge our feelings and be honest about things even if it caused hurt because in the end all of the pain and regret needs to be worked through in order for both of us to heal.
I felt like the weekend went really well, and the connection was still there between us just like it used to be. I have been working with the family therapist 2x week as I have mentioned before. And my husband has started working with a family therapist also. And Im told in a couple weeks we will start having sessions together with the therapist 2x week. We were talking about how we would have to do it over the phone, or using skype and threw out that it would be nice if we could do it face to face. And then our thoughts moved to is there a way? And then I started thinking maybe it would be good for both of us if I rented a place close to the rehab center, and stayed for the remainder of his treatment . It would solve a lot of things actually. We could have our sessions face to face, and if approved by his doctor, he could come and spend the weekends with me and our son and there would be no travelling back and forth. Where the rehab is located is a really beautiful place, and there would be a lot for me to do during the week and in a way it would be so nice to get away. This past year has been hard for me too, and the thought really makes me excited. My parents are a little concerned because I wont have any backup support for my son if I need it, and my mom has been helping me a lot lately. It would be fine with my work, because I have been reduced to minimal hours due to the new baby, and Ive got someone I trust running my little shop downtown. The family therapist told me to really think about it, because if I only do this to accommodate my husbands needs, it could backfire on me, and then I might get resentful. So she asked me to think about what I would be getting out of it, and then make a decision.
When it was time for him to leave on Monday , it was really hard. He did not complain or try to get out of going back. It seems like he is trying to learn from this experience and when I was feeling sad about him leaving (I didn’t mean for him to see it) He understood, and one of the things he did was tell me this quote which I think is really from a sports coach or something but it does fit in with what he is going through I think & Im encouraged if to think he is looking at it this way right now:
“Its all about preparation. Most people have the will to win, few have the will to prepare to win”
I was also reading another post from someone who has been through this rehab situation many times, and so I know to many of you my post will seem like it is based on nothing, because it is too soon. But everyday means something I think, and I have decided that I want to acknowledge how Im feeling now regardless of what happens later.
There were a lot of things I noticed that impressed me. When he first came home, he took his phone and laid it on the kitchen counter and wrote himself a reminder note when to call in to speak with his doctor as was planned. He put the note by the phone. The phone stayed there all weekend, except when he made those calls. I was with him both times when he remembered and said he was going to go call now. I was prepared to remind him if he forgot, but it didn’t happen.
I had mentioned before about how after he went into rehab his car was put in our garage, and that my brother in law had cleaned it inside and out, and had found a small stash of drugs in the car. He got rid of them of course. It had upset my brother in law, and I debated about mentioning it to my husband while he was away, but I didn’t want to upset him and it seemed irrelevant to his treatment at the time so I said nothing. The car was locked. My husband did not have keys to the car on him. I had the only 2 sets. He never went near the car, or asked about the keys all weekend. I don’t know if he even knew there were drugs in there, but I assume people don’t forget that type of thing. I told him on Monday before he left that his brother had cleaned the car and what he found. I couldn’t tell if he knew. He seemed to be concerned his brother was faced with seeing that and dealing with the drugs.
He showed a lot of attention to our son who is now 5 months old. He asked me a lot of questions about him, just like he has been doing this whole time while in rehab. He got to see his room for the first time, and he said it looked nice and I had done a great job. He showed emotion at seeing that I had several pictures of both of us together in our sons room. I said, of course we are his mommy and daddy. He asked how I got the baby furniture home and set up. It was like he felt that was his job and he failed at doing his part. He wanted to learn a lot of things like how to put the carseat in and fasten him correctly. I tried to let him take part in everything going on with our son, and he seemed to want to be part of all of it. He asked me things I didn’t even think about telling him at first. Like how he had to be laid down in his crib to prevent SIDS. I have of course a ton of baby books and what to expect type books, and he asked if he could take one of them back with him to read. We shared a first with our son & fed him watery mushy rice cereal. But it is the only thing he has had except milk, so for us it was really something to watch him eat from a tiny spoon for the first time. And my husband got to spoon feed him. I felt really positive about all the interest, care, thoughtfulness he showed with our son.
This was our 4th wedding anniversary, and he had ordered a gift for me and had it shipped to rehab, and brought it home to give me. It made me cry of course as it was a thoughtful gift. I got him something but I made it more practical but he seemed to like it a lot. He played the piano for me which is something he used to do. And he told me he had been playing some at the rehab place because it helped to relax him when he had a lot of anxiety.
On Sunday, I asked if he wanted to take our dog and go to the store and buy some chow for him. That is something he used to like to do, and he said sure. But then he was getting ready and said he was a little afraid to drive because he still gets hit with anxiety sometimes and was worried with our traffic and the fact our dog gets wild in the car might cause it to happen. So I said we could all go, and I would drive. We ended up having fun at the pet store.
He seemed really emotional and introspective on things this weekend. I know some people will say that it is possibly some form of manipulation where he wants to win sympathy, but I didn’t feel that way at all. I really tried to keep my feelings in check when he would talk about how much guilt he has, or how bad he feels about certain things. I know he needs to feel all of that, and deal with it to heal. I didn’t try to minimize whats been lost, but I did share what I feel, and that is we cant dwell on the past. We have to deal with it and move on. I have a ton of guilt myself and I wanted to tell him a lot of things, but I held back because Im afraid he is too fragile right now. Or maybe I am ? The doctor told us to acknowledge our feelings and be honest about things even if it caused hurt because in the end all of the pain and regret needs to be worked through in order for both of us to heal.
I felt like the weekend went really well, and the connection was still there between us just like it used to be. I have been working with the family therapist 2x week as I have mentioned before. And my husband has started working with a family therapist also. And Im told in a couple weeks we will start having sessions together with the therapist 2x week. We were talking about how we would have to do it over the phone, or using skype and threw out that it would be nice if we could do it face to face. And then our thoughts moved to is there a way? And then I started thinking maybe it would be good for both of us if I rented a place close to the rehab center, and stayed for the remainder of his treatment . It would solve a lot of things actually. We could have our sessions face to face, and if approved by his doctor, he could come and spend the weekends with me and our son and there would be no travelling back and forth. Where the rehab is located is a really beautiful place, and there would be a lot for me to do during the week and in a way it would be so nice to get away. This past year has been hard for me too, and the thought really makes me excited. My parents are a little concerned because I wont have any backup support for my son if I need it, and my mom has been helping me a lot lately. It would be fine with my work, because I have been reduced to minimal hours due to the new baby, and Ive got someone I trust running my little shop downtown. The family therapist told me to really think about it, because if I only do this to accommodate my husbands needs, it could backfire on me, and then I might get resentful. So she asked me to think about what I would be getting out of it, and then make a decision.
When it was time for him to leave on Monday , it was really hard. He did not complain or try to get out of going back. It seems like he is trying to learn from this experience and when I was feeling sad about him leaving (I didn’t mean for him to see it) He understood, and one of the things he did was tell me this quote which I think is really from a sports coach or something but it does fit in with what he is going through I think & Im encouraged if to think he is looking at it this way right now:
“Its all about preparation. Most people have the will to win, few have the will to prepare to win”
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if you're anything like me, family is your anchor, and you really dont realize how much you bank on them for every kind of support until they arent there. I thought about moving to a new city with my wife and a very wise person talked me out of it. he was so right.
I grew up in an italian family. People never move away. I'll probably be the first. I wont say that you should never move away from your parents, but I would probably say that if you're in the midst of a stressful or challenging situation, its not the time.
Then theres the whole thing about how the idea just strikes me as dangerous but i have nothing but gut feeling to back that up so I wont get into it.
Just my 2 cents.
good luck
I grew up in an italian family. People never move away. I'll probably be the first. I wont say that you should never move away from your parents, but I would probably say that if you're in the midst of a stressful or challenging situation, its not the time.
Then theres the whole thing about how the idea just strikes me as dangerous but i have nothing but gut feeling to back that up so I wont get into it.
Just my 2 cents.
good luck
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It wouldnt be a permanent move, it would only be for the next 6 weeks or so while he is in treatment.
yes, this is his first time in rehab, and this is his first attemp at stopping the drugs. He came and asked for help when he made the choice to quit and thats how the rehab came to be.
yes, this is his first time in rehab, and this is his first attemp at stopping the drugs. He came and asked for help when he made the choice to quit and thats how the rehab came to be.
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
There's another saying "If it aint broke don't fix it". Things seem to be working in his favor with the arrangement that is in place, why change it?
But we are going to start family therapy together also and Id prefer to do it face to face than over the phone or skype like I use now with my therapist.
I know you have a lot of background from the post I read. Can you please tell me how you think his attitude is ? I know its too soon to really predict and Im telling myself to hold back hope, but its not easy.
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Allforcnm - You are kind and loving wife. I sincerely hope your husband makes it and your son can have two loving, healthy parents to raise him.
You have me really thinking though. My husband is only 21 days clean. He has had to work everyday (Mon - Friday) but it's from a home office. He attends 2 meetings a day and has no issues with driving. He has to deal with the every day stresses of life...work, me (lol), broken pool pumps, washing machine, etc. Also, he has been working his butt off around here...pressure washing pool deck, weeding and trimming bushes, etc. He likes to keep busy and it has fun working around the house together again.
For the most part, I don't treat him any differently except I do respect his recovery and I try my best to stay out of it.
Two very different recoveries, 2 very different attitudes, just wondering if that will have an effect on their recovery. I believe its up to the individual and it's a life long recovery but I wonder if the other factors make a difference.
You have me really thinking though. My husband is only 21 days clean. He has had to work everyday (Mon - Friday) but it's from a home office. He attends 2 meetings a day and has no issues with driving. He has to deal with the every day stresses of life...work, me (lol), broken pool pumps, washing machine, etc. Also, he has been working his butt off around here...pressure washing pool deck, weeding and trimming bushes, etc. He likes to keep busy and it has fun working around the house together again.
For the most part, I don't treat him any differently except I do respect his recovery and I try my best to stay out of it.
Two very different recoveries, 2 very different attitudes, just wondering if that will have an effect on their recovery. I believe its up to the individual and it's a life long recovery but I wonder if the other factors make a difference.
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Allforcnm - You are kind and loving wife. I sincerely hope your husband makes it and your son can have two loving, healthy parents to raise him.
You have me really thinking though. My husband is only 21 days clean. He has had to work everyday (Mon - Friday) but it's from a home office. He attends 2 meetings a day and has no issues with driving. He has to deal with the every day stresses of life...work, me (lol), broken pool pumps, washing machine, etc. Also, he has been working his butt off around here...pressure washing pool deck, weeding and trimming bushes, etc. He likes to keep busy and it has fun working around the house together again.
For the most part, I don't treat him any differently except I do respect his recovery and I try my best to stay out of it.
Two very different recoveries, 2 very different attitudes, just wondering if that will have an effect on their recovery. I believe its up to the individual and it's a life long recovery but I wonder if the other factors make a difference.
You have me really thinking though. My husband is only 21 days clean. He has had to work everyday (Mon - Friday) but it's from a home office. He attends 2 meetings a day and has no issues with driving. He has to deal with the every day stresses of life...work, me (lol), broken pool pumps, washing machine, etc. Also, he has been working his butt off around here...pressure washing pool deck, weeding and trimming bushes, etc. He likes to keep busy and it has fun working around the house together again.
For the most part, I don't treat him any differently except I do respect his recovery and I try my best to stay out of it.
Two very different recoveries, 2 very different attitudes, just wondering if that will have an effect on their recovery. I believe its up to the individual and it's a life long recovery but I wonder if the other factors make a difference.
He entered the rehab with expectation that he would stay 90 days, and I know you are right a lot of people dont do that, but Im not going to rush him out of there. He seems so much better, but I know it takes time.
I wish you and your hubsand the best also. We are about at the same stage arent we in this wonderful world of recovery. 20 -30 days.
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Is it possible he will be advised to move directly into a sober living house after rehab is completed? If so, you might play through in your mind how it might feel for you to pack up and leave for 6 weeks and then, ultimately, move back home after that 6-week upheaval and still continue on your own while he is living elsewhere. It seems that stability is best for you and your child. How is that best achieved?
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Originally Posted by cynical one
You want him to spend time with his son.
You want to spend time with him.
But, is this the best thing for his recovery?
Are his counselors saying you should move closer, probably not, let them drive the bus. None of this is yours, none of this is yours to micro-manage.
His attitude is pink cloud. He's only been doing things different for a few minutes compared to the time he was using.
Stay in reality.
You want to spend time with him.
But, is this the best thing for his recovery?
Are his counselors saying you should move closer, probably not, let them drive the bus. None of this is yours, none of this is yours to micro-manage.
His attitude is pink cloud. He's only been doing things different for a few minutes compared to the time he was using.
Stay in reality.
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Is it possible he will be advised to move directly into a sober living house after rehab is completed? If so, you might play through in your mind how it might feel for you to pack up and leave for 6 weeks and then, ultimately, move back home after that 6-week upheaval and still continue on your own while he is living elsewhere. It seems that stability is best for you and your child. How is that best achieved?
He has a job to go back to however and he really wants to do that. He is off on a medical leave right now, and they know he will be out total of 3 months. he has been working on getting a transfer within the company to another position, and also this would get him away from the guys he worked with who ended up being the drug suppliers for him.
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Thank you Allforcmn -
I pray all our loved ones seek a life with out addiction.
I am in my 5th week of recovery (I count weeks, lol). The more I learn, the more I learn I have so much more to learn.
I really try my best to work on my own recovery and keep out of his. Please don't misunderstand, I love my husband very much, I pray he continues to work on himself but I now know that I have no control over his choices - good or bad.
I pray all our loved ones seek a life with out addiction.
I am in my 5th week of recovery (I count weeks, lol). The more I learn, the more I learn I have so much more to learn.
I really try my best to work on my own recovery and keep out of his. Please don't misunderstand, I love my husband very much, I pray he continues to work on himself but I now know that I have no control over his choices - good or bad.
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we codies see a little glimmer of hope and we want to jump in the middle trying to control everything.
IMHo, this is a bad idea, let him work his recovery without alot distraction and drama. 6 weeks is a drop in the bucket, you will survive and so will your child.
Take this time to work on you, get to meetings, keep moving forward to get yourself healthy.
IMHo, this is a bad idea, let him work his recovery without alot distraction and drama. 6 weeks is a drop in the bucket, you will survive and so will your child.
Take this time to work on you, get to meetings, keep moving forward to get yourself healthy.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone.
We are going to talk about it some more, as obviously it would require some planning. Me and the tiny tot are making the trip to see him this weekend for Fathers Day, and I may do a little bit of scouting while Im there.
My doing this wouldnt have anything to do with his treatment plan in my opinion. Except it would be nice to have our family sessions in person, instead of via skype.
I know he talked to his doctor about it, and got a positive response, but I dont know really when the best timing would be, so I have more information to gather before proceeding with anything.
We are going to talk about it some more, as obviously it would require some planning. Me and the tiny tot are making the trip to see him this weekend for Fathers Day, and I may do a little bit of scouting while Im there.
My doing this wouldnt have anything to do with his treatment plan in my opinion. Except it would be nice to have our family sessions in person, instead of via skype.
I know he talked to his doctor about it, and got a positive response, but I dont know really when the best timing would be, so I have more information to gather before proceeding with anything.
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Another suggestion?? How much longer does he have?
You could always stay in a nice hotel for a few days a week. Visit with your husband, enjoy the pool with your son, go shopping....make a little vacation for yourself for a few weeks. Maybe even your mother, father and a friend could join you too.
You could always stay in a nice hotel for a few days a week. Visit with your husband, enjoy the pool with your son, go shopping....make a little vacation for yourself for a few weeks. Maybe even your mother, father and a friend could join you too.
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What will happen to your business while you're gone? Won't your family miss the baby since they've helped you to raise him while your husband was gone? To me 6 weeks is nothing, particularly after all the time he's gone. Rehab isn't a magic quick fix, it's just an opportunity for a VERY highly motivated addict to learn tools to help then deal with life on life's terms.
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cnm,
I can hear you packing boxes and bags already . . . your replies are defending the decision you WANT to make regardless of what's the wisest decision.
I agree with everyone that has posted, as much as you want to be closer and counseling sessions in person sound so much better, this is his recovery . . . you should be working on yourself on your own - find a AlAnon or NarAnon group at home & attend, get involved, find a sponsor, find a counselor for yourself at home, figure out what you want, what you like, who you are.
That being said . . . you're gonna do what you think is best so I hope for the best for you.
I can hear you packing boxes and bags already . . . your replies are defending the decision you WANT to make regardless of what's the wisest decision.
I agree with everyone that has posted, as much as you want to be closer and counseling sessions in person sound so much better, this is his recovery . . . you should be working on yourself on your own - find a AlAnon or NarAnon group at home & attend, get involved, find a sponsor, find a counselor for yourself at home, figure out what you want, what you like, who you are.
That being said . . . you're gonna do what you think is best so I hope for the best for you.
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Lots of good things to think about.
Except for last weekend, I have been travelling back and forth to see him on the weekends, and the holiday which was a long family weekend with activities and all. Last weekend he came home to visit us and it was really good.
This weekend is Fathers Day and so we are going for that, and then in a couple weeks will be fourth of July and that is another long family weekend. Its sort of expensive to fly back and forth, and for me its hard with the baby. But I am feeling a lot stronger now, so Im hoping this weekend wont be as bad at the airport.
It is sort of a good time for me to do something like this as far as my work goes, because when i was pregnant I had to hire a full time manager for my little store.
And I worked part time until really late in the pregnancy, and then I just handled stuff from home because for the last while the doctor wanted me to be off my feet to rest. So this guy is doing a great job, and ive been checking up on his work these last few weeks and I feel good about what he has done. I was just now trying to establish a part time routine for myself again, and Ive worked most of last week, and all of this week everyday. I enjoy it when Im there but it is still hard for me to leave my little guy, but right now my mom is taking care of him during the day and she enjoys it. I took him with me a few days and he did ok actually. Except he got all the attention and kept people from shopping and working !
CynicalOne. I have been working 2x week with my own family therapist from the rehab center. But she is there only for family, and doesnt work with my husband. He has started to work with his own family therapist as part of his treatment, and I think in another couple weeks we are going to start having sessions together 2x week. I mean we will do it by phone or skype if Im not there in person.
Yes my mom and dad would miss their grandson a lot. But like you said it is only six weeks or so.
Maybe part of it is that I would like to get away myself. Ive always loved to travel and go different places, but now I have to worry about my son of course so things do change, and I have to think everything through. Right now Im tossing it around.
I think part of my motivation is just to get away, the rehab is in a nice place, and there would be a lot for me to do I think as I wouldnt see my husband all week unless we had a counseling session. It would be a vacation in a way. But then, part of my motivation is to keep him connected to his son, because he feels like he has missed so much, and I guess I think about how I feel just being away from him for a few hours, and I want to make sure he has the opportunity to bond with him, and be part of these early days. The rest is only motivation for us as a couple. Because I want to do the sessions face to face, and I want us to have every weekend together if it is doctor approved. If I stay here, I still plan to go on as many weekends as possible, its just a little difficult to travel, but hopefully it will get easier the more I learn about traveling with an infant.
Thanks for all the things you have given me to think about. I dont have the boxes packed yet.
Except for last weekend, I have been travelling back and forth to see him on the weekends, and the holiday which was a long family weekend with activities and all. Last weekend he came home to visit us and it was really good.
This weekend is Fathers Day and so we are going for that, and then in a couple weeks will be fourth of July and that is another long family weekend. Its sort of expensive to fly back and forth, and for me its hard with the baby. But I am feeling a lot stronger now, so Im hoping this weekend wont be as bad at the airport.
It is sort of a good time for me to do something like this as far as my work goes, because when i was pregnant I had to hire a full time manager for my little store.
And I worked part time until really late in the pregnancy, and then I just handled stuff from home because for the last while the doctor wanted me to be off my feet to rest. So this guy is doing a great job, and ive been checking up on his work these last few weeks and I feel good about what he has done. I was just now trying to establish a part time routine for myself again, and Ive worked most of last week, and all of this week everyday. I enjoy it when Im there but it is still hard for me to leave my little guy, but right now my mom is taking care of him during the day and she enjoys it. I took him with me a few days and he did ok actually. Except he got all the attention and kept people from shopping and working !
CynicalOne. I have been working 2x week with my own family therapist from the rehab center. But she is there only for family, and doesnt work with my husband. He has started to work with his own family therapist as part of his treatment, and I think in another couple weeks we are going to start having sessions together 2x week. I mean we will do it by phone or skype if Im not there in person.
Yes my mom and dad would miss their grandson a lot. But like you said it is only six weeks or so.
Maybe part of it is that I would like to get away myself. Ive always loved to travel and go different places, but now I have to worry about my son of course so things do change, and I have to think everything through. Right now Im tossing it around.
I think part of my motivation is just to get away, the rehab is in a nice place, and there would be a lot for me to do I think as I wouldnt see my husband all week unless we had a counseling session. It would be a vacation in a way. But then, part of my motivation is to keep him connected to his son, because he feels like he has missed so much, and I guess I think about how I feel just being away from him for a few hours, and I want to make sure he has the opportunity to bond with him, and be part of these early days. The rest is only motivation for us as a couple. Because I want to do the sessions face to face, and I want us to have every weekend together if it is doctor approved. If I stay here, I still plan to go on as many weekends as possible, its just a little difficult to travel, but hopefully it will get easier the more I learn about traveling with an infant.
Thanks for all the things you have given me to think about. I dont have the boxes packed yet.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
So you are accommodating his recovery? What about your recovery? He, being your addiction. It seems to me that you are getting high off of him doing what he is doing recovery wise. You see some of the man you fell in love with and you are ready to pack up and go be near so that he can see the baby and you can see him.
These are red flags for us who have been where you are before. Some of us even getting so lost in recovery progress that we end up jumping the gun and marrying thinking that he is all better with 30 days under his belt and three months later regretting the decision to not have waited until he had more time under his belt.
Trust me when I say skype is the way to go for now. Everything is whimsical at the moment. All this attention and parenting together is magical, but the reality is he needs more time to focus on his recovery without distractions and you need to gather your mind out of the honeymoon phase and get on track with your recovery or God forbid if he relapses you will be crushed even more then the first time around.
I know how good it feels when the man you love decides he wants to get clean. How lonely it is when he goes away to rehab. How wonderful it is when he comes home to visit on a weekend pass and you get to see the 'new' him who is vulnerable yet determined. He says all the things that you longed to hear, does all the things that you wanted him to do. He is so different, loving, attentive without the drugs. We tend to think that this pink cloud is how it is going to be all the time and now we can live happily ever after. Very euphoric indeed!
But, wisdom waits. Patience is a virtue. There is still work that needs to be done. The foundation isn't solid as of yet. If you build house upon a shaky foundation it could all come crashing in on you and your little one too.
When we yield to what we want instead of waiting and walking through the tough stuff to get safely to the other side we are betraying our-self. The reward is much sweeter if both are working separately on recovery and then together to become whole, but he has only been there 30 days that is a good start, but that is all it is 'a start' he hasn't even gotten to to tough stuff yet. He probably is still in the feeling guilty for all the stuff he did stage. The I'm so sorry stage. The I promise I'll make it up to you stage.
After all isn't it what we desire, is to see the man we love being a loving attentive man. Loving and holding the baby. Asking questions and showing concern. I mean, they lack all that during active addict so much so that when we see a hint of kind emotions we melt. I totally get it. I really do. However, moving to quickly can turn out to be detrimental to both your recovery and to his.
What I see in your post is you reasoning why you should move close, For travel purposes, getting away, he can see the baby, you can see him. If you need a break there are plenty of places to get away to. Travel you don't have to do it, but YOU WANT to do the counseling face to face .. He will have plenty of time to bond with the baby after he finishes treatment and you will have plenty of time with your husband as well. You want him to be whole and you need to be whole too. That is the best thing you can do for your recovery and his too. Stick to working on you and let rehab aid your husband into recovery.
If your husband is your addiction then really what your doing is getting your fix before getting well. Think long and hard the picture is bigger than you think.
Passion
These are red flags for us who have been where you are before. Some of us even getting so lost in recovery progress that we end up jumping the gun and marrying thinking that he is all better with 30 days under his belt and three months later regretting the decision to not have waited until he had more time under his belt.
Trust me when I say skype is the way to go for now. Everything is whimsical at the moment. All this attention and parenting together is magical, but the reality is he needs more time to focus on his recovery without distractions and you need to gather your mind out of the honeymoon phase and get on track with your recovery or God forbid if he relapses you will be crushed even more then the first time around.
I know how good it feels when the man you love decides he wants to get clean. How lonely it is when he goes away to rehab. How wonderful it is when he comes home to visit on a weekend pass and you get to see the 'new' him who is vulnerable yet determined. He says all the things that you longed to hear, does all the things that you wanted him to do. He is so different, loving, attentive without the drugs. We tend to think that this pink cloud is how it is going to be all the time and now we can live happily ever after. Very euphoric indeed!
But, wisdom waits. Patience is a virtue. There is still work that needs to be done. The foundation isn't solid as of yet. If you build house upon a shaky foundation it could all come crashing in on you and your little one too.
When we yield to what we want instead of waiting and walking through the tough stuff to get safely to the other side we are betraying our-self. The reward is much sweeter if both are working separately on recovery and then together to become whole, but he has only been there 30 days that is a good start, but that is all it is 'a start' he hasn't even gotten to to tough stuff yet. He probably is still in the feeling guilty for all the stuff he did stage. The I'm so sorry stage. The I promise I'll make it up to you stage.
After all isn't it what we desire, is to see the man we love being a loving attentive man. Loving and holding the baby. Asking questions and showing concern. I mean, they lack all that during active addict so much so that when we see a hint of kind emotions we melt. I totally get it. I really do. However, moving to quickly can turn out to be detrimental to both your recovery and to his.
What I see in your post is you reasoning why you should move close, For travel purposes, getting away, he can see the baby, you can see him. If you need a break there are plenty of places to get away to. Travel you don't have to do it, but YOU WANT to do the counseling face to face .. He will have plenty of time to bond with the baby after he finishes treatment and you will have plenty of time with your husband as well. You want him to be whole and you need to be whole too. That is the best thing you can do for your recovery and his too. Stick to working on you and let rehab aid your husband into recovery.
If your husband is your addiction then really what your doing is getting your fix before getting well. Think long and hard the picture is bigger than you think.
Passion
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