jackthedog

Why is it so hard to let go of an AH? We have been separated for almost two years, in the process of dissolution, not over yet. AH has a girlfriend, last week a friend told me he told her it was over, then son tells me he went swimming at her mom's house over the weekend. Son still wants to spend the night at AH's house, but when it is his father's day to be with him, son spends most of the time at friend's and father doesn't say no. I keep telling my son that I am just trying to protect him from his father's past behaviors of DWI (with son's friend in the car) and growing marijuana in his back yard.

Anyways, back to the original question, why do I still care that ex Ah, who I don't want back, has another woman?

Tuffgirl

I think rejection feels like rejection, no matter what. No matter how much we tell ourselves its for the best...

Hang in there!
~T

marie1960

For me personally, when a mutually friend would bring up XA in conversation, I had to firmly state that I did not want to hear about him, it was no longer my business or concern. My true friends respected my wishes, found out the rest were just gossipy, and nosy.

It will get easier, keep yourself busy, when you feel yourself slipping down that slope, call a friend, read a book or magazine, cook, clean, go for a walk, go to the store, do anything not to fall into that mindset.........


It is sad to see the life we once shared end. Better days are on the horizon my friend, hang in there.
Peace.

MsPINKAcres

((Jack))

For me, sometimes it's that comparing outsides to insides ~ my insides to what I perceive as their outsides ~ everything looks so fine & dandy

so I'm hurt that all that I did, sacrificed, worked for for "him" to get sober, for us to make it, for our life together - wasn't ever validated, recognized, or even appreciated ~

My sponsor helped me to see - I didn't need that from him ~ my HP could give me the validation that I had done everything possible ~ that's why I was free now ~ my job/life there was finished - go & make a new & wonderful FREE life!

Just what helped me -

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Learn2Live

I agree with marie1960. When trying to break away from a person, I've found that the less I know about what they are doing, the better.

ODAT63

After much good advise here at SR, I decided that every time I think of AXH, I am going to say "he is dead", after all a divorce is just that, the end of the relationship, he even stop talking to our children (stepchildren for him). It has been over two years and last week I made my last attempt to contact him. Something just snap inside me, and I feel better and stronger and for the first time in long time I am enjoying my life with me and with my BF and all the good people in my life.
It does get better...now I can really say that.
Take care.

dollydo

For my part, after 2 years I wonder if this actually has anythig to do with him, you seem to have some deeper issues.

Have you been in therapy? Might help you sort this all out.

jackthedog

I have been seeing a Christian counselor, about once a month, but nothing has come up except I am going through a lot of closure, my dog died about two weeks ago, divorce is not final......

LoveMeNow

I think we have a tendency to over glamorize their new life which causes us to get stuck in the letting go department.

He is still the same man, if not worse, that you decided to divorce.

It's better to be alone then in bad company. I would rather be alone then lonely with someone sitting right next to me.

P.S. So sorry about your dog!

NYCDoglvr

Like alcoholism, codependency is addiction. Perhaps you should try a variation on AA's first step: "I'm powerless over _________ (person) and my life has become unmanageable." The more you can shift your mind away from him, the less power he holds over you. Suggest jumping into recovery instead with lots of Al-anon. Not only does it work but we get lots of self-esteem over dealing with our own issues.

jackthedog

Absolutely right! I haven't been to Al-Anon for a month! Thanks!

tomsteve

letting go:
doesnt mean to stop caring- its realizing i cant control others
is not to enable-its to allow learning from natural consequences
is to admit my own powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands
is not to care for, but to care about
is not to fix, but be supportive
is not to be in the middle arranging, but to be on the sidelines cheering
is not to be protective, its to permit another to face reality
is not to deny, but to accept
is not to nag,scold or argue- but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
is not to adjust everything to my own desires, but ot take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it
is not to criticize and/or regultate others, but to be what i can become.
is not to regret the past, but to grow and and live for the future
is to fear less and love more.