Letting Go

Old 06-11-2012, 12:30 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Letting Go

Why is it so hard to let go of an AH? We have been separated for almost two years, in the process of dissolution, not over yet. AH has a girlfriend, last week a friend told me he told her it was over, then son tells me he went swimming at her mom's house over the weekend. Son still wants to spend the night at AH's house, but when it is his father's day to be with him, son spends most of the time at friend's and father doesn't say no. I keep telling my son that I am just trying to protect him from his father's past behaviors of DWI (with son's friend in the car) and growing marijuana in his back yard.

Anyways, back to the original question, why do I still care that ex Ah, who I don't want back, has another woman?
jackthedog is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jackthedog For This Useful Post:
MsPINKAcres (06-11-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 12:37 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Tuffgirl's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
I think rejection feels like rejection, no matter what. No matter how much we tell ourselves its for the best...

Hang in there!
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
Florence (06-11-2012), jackthedog (06-11-2012), marie1960 (06-11-2012), MsPINKAcres (06-11-2012), ODAT63 (06-11-2012), PeacefulMe (06-11-2012), XXXXXXXXXX (06-11-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 12:56 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Blog Entries: 1
For me personally, when a mutually friend would bring up XA in conversation, I had to firmly state that I did not want to hear about him, it was no longer my business or concern. My true friends respected my wishes, found out the rest were just gossipy, and nosy.

It will get easier, keep yourself busy, when you feel yourself slipping down that slope, call a friend, read a book or magazine, cook, clean, go for a walk, go to the store, do anything not to fall into that mindset.........

It is sad to see the life we once shared end. Better days are on the horizon my friend, hang in there.
marie1960 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to marie1960 For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-11-2012), Learn2Live (06-11-2012), MsPINKAcres (06-11-2012), ODAT63 (06-11-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 01:27 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545

For me, sometimes it's that comparing outsides to insides ~ my insides to what I perceive as their outsides ~ everything looks so fine & dandy

so I'm hurt that all that I did, sacrificed, worked for for "him" to get sober, for us to make it, for our life together - wasn't ever validated, recognized, or even appreciated ~

My sponsor helped me to see - I didn't need that from him ~ my HP could give me the validation that I had done everything possible ~ that's why I was free now ~ my job/life there was finished - go & make a new & wonderful FREE life!

Just what helped me -

MsPINKAcres is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to MsPINKAcres For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-11-2012), LifeRecovery (06-11-2012), ODAT63 (06-11-2012), Shadydeal (06-11-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 01:32 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
I agree with marie1960. When trying to break away from a person, I've found that the less I know about what they are doing, the better.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-11-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 02:00 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
ODAT63's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
After much good advise here at SR, I decided that every time I think of AXH, I am going to say "he is dead", after all a divorce is just that, the end of the relationship, he even stop talking to our children (stepchildren for him). It has been over two years and last week I made my last attempt to contact him. Something just snap inside me, and I feel better and stronger and for the first time in long time I am enjoying my life with me and with my BF and all the good people in my life.
It does get I can really say that.
Take care.
ODAT63 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ODAT63 For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-11-2012), Learn2Live (06-11-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 03:42 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
dollydo's Avatar
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
For my part, after 2 years I wonder if this actually has anythig to do with him, you seem to have some deeper issues.

Have you been in therapy? Might help you sort this all out.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
anvilhead (06-11-2012), jackthedog (06-11-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 06:07 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
I have been seeing a Christian counselor, about once a month, but nothing has come up except I am going through a lot of closure, my dog died about two weeks ago, divorce is not final......
jackthedog is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to jackthedog For This Useful Post:
dollydo (06-11-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 06:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
LoveMeNow's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,611
I think we have a tendency to over glamorize their new life which causes us to get stuck in the letting go department.

He is still the same man, if not worse, that you decided to divorce.

It's better to be alone then in bad company. I would rather be alone then lonely with someone sitting right next to me.

P.S. So sorry about your dog!
LoveMeNow is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LoveMeNow For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-11-2012), ODAT63 (06-14-2012), SuzyMarie (06-12-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-11-2012, 08:22 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,247
Like alcoholism, codependency is addiction. Perhaps you should try a variation on AA's first step: "I'm powerless over _________ (person) and my life has become unmanageable." The more you can shift your mind away from him, the less power he holds over you. Suggest jumping into recovery instead with lots of Al-anon. Not only does it work but we get lots of self-esteem over dealing with our own issues.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to NYCDoglvr For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-12-2012)
Old 06-12-2012, 05:42 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Absolutely right! I haven't been to Al-Anon for a month! Thanks!
jackthedog is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jackthedog For This Useful Post:
wicked (06-12-2012)
Old 06-12-2012, 05:51 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
tomsteve's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
letting go:
doesnt mean to stop caring- its realizing i cant control others
is not to enable-its to allow learning from natural consequences
is to admit my own powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands
is not to care for, but to care about
is not to fix, but be supportive
is not to be in the middle arranging, but to be on the sidelines cheering
is not to be protective, its to permit another to face reality
is not to deny, but to accept
is not to nag,scold or argue- but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
is not to adjust everything to my own desires, but ot take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it
is not to criticize and/or regultate others, but to be what i can become.
is not to regret the past, but to grow and and live for the future
is to fear less and love more.
tomsteve is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to tomsteve For This Useful Post:
jackthedog (06-12-2012), Learn2Live (06-12-2012), SuzyMarie (06-12-2012), wicked (06-12-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:28 PM.