Help me understand role of a sponsor
sobriety date 5-2-12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
Help me understand role of a sponsor
I have a sponsor and I like her, but don't yet feel any real connection. At meeting people talk about their sponsor telling them to do things, and giving them a push when in the wrong direction etc. My sponsor does noe of that. I call her but we don't really talk and she had never called me, told me to do anything, or given advice. She gave me step 1 worksheets and we've met to go over them. I am now on step 2 worksheets.
I would like to hear from you all what your experience with your sponsor is like. I think I would like a more forecefull, outspoken sponsor than I have. Mine seems so laid back and doesn't say much.
I would like to hear from you all what your experience with your sponsor is like. I think I would like a more forecefull, outspoken sponsor than I have. Mine seems so laid back and doesn't say much.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
When I first got into the program I had a sponsor that was like yours. It was my job to initiate everything. Any kind of contact. We worked some of the steps. I had her for 3 years. I was constantly picking up the bottle. Not her fault, it was mine. I wasn't completely serious on my step work.
I was a few months sober and moved to a new town. I had no intentions on going to a meeting, I was going to get as drunk as I possibly could. God had other plans, I ended up in a meeting. I met the sponsor I had for over 8 years, until she passed away.
This sponsor was just what I needed. She told me that either we work the steps or I die. She was very straight foreward. She told me exactly what she thought.
Not all people need a sponsor like that. I think it depends on how you are. One thing I tell my sponsees is that if I don't click with you, please find someone that does.
I was a few months sober and moved to a new town. I had no intentions on going to a meeting, I was going to get as drunk as I possibly could. God had other plans, I ended up in a meeting. I met the sponsor I had for over 8 years, until she passed away.
This sponsor was just what I needed. She told me that either we work the steps or I die. She was very straight foreward. She told me exactly what she thought.
Not all people need a sponsor like that. I think it depends on how you are. One thing I tell my sponsees is that if I don't click with you, please find someone that does.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 56
I have found newcomers think they need a kick in the pants, until of they get a kick in the pants. Then it’s off to the resentment bus we go. (That’s ok we have a solution for that)
There is a great sponsorship pamphlet. I read it from time to time as a reminder of what I should and should not be doing.
I do not “click” with everyone. I have an awful time with “sympathy junkies”. I work much better with the feisty ones.
I take sponsees, one on one, through the steps. That is where I bond with them. The fifth step is very intimate and you may really bond over this step.
It has taken me years to get where I am at with sponsorship. A lot of trial and error. I’m sure there’s more to come. I use to be the type of sponsor to “tell” you what to do. Today I feel that is the easy way out.
As a sponsor, I take them through 1-3 as soon as possible. If they take the third step I ask if they want continue with the rest of the steps. If they do not, I look for another newcomer to take through the steps. There are other women willing to play dial an answer on the phone with them. I only practice the steps as the solution. I do not mean to sound snotty. My purpose is to carry the message of the spiritual solution to alcoholics who still suffer. I do not get distracted with other methods.
Then on an ongoing basis, I look for opportunities to take them through the 4-9 AA process both with their situations and my own. Practice these principals in all our affairs.
PS I have had 10 sponsors. Stayed sober through them all.
There is a great sponsorship pamphlet. I read it from time to time as a reminder of what I should and should not be doing.
I do not “click” with everyone. I have an awful time with “sympathy junkies”. I work much better with the feisty ones.
I take sponsees, one on one, through the steps. That is where I bond with them. The fifth step is very intimate and you may really bond over this step.
It has taken me years to get where I am at with sponsorship. A lot of trial and error. I’m sure there’s more to come. I use to be the type of sponsor to “tell” you what to do. Today I feel that is the easy way out.
As a sponsor, I take them through 1-3 as soon as possible. If they take the third step I ask if they want continue with the rest of the steps. If they do not, I look for another newcomer to take through the steps. There are other women willing to play dial an answer on the phone with them. I only practice the steps as the solution. I do not mean to sound snotty. My purpose is to carry the message of the spiritual solution to alcoholics who still suffer. I do not get distracted with other methods.
Then on an ongoing basis, I look for opportunities to take them through the 4-9 AA process both with their situations and my own. Practice these principals in all our affairs.
PS I have had 10 sponsors. Stayed sober through them all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Trenches, Texas
Posts: 778
I had a sponsor like that once; he's out shooting speed now. In hindsight he sincerely gave me everything he had. It turns out that a few worksheets, a few meetings, and the odd game of baseball just wasn't enough for me or him. We both came undone, he's still out, for whatever reason God didn't want me drinking, and his sponsor is still humming along with twenty something years.
Did it anger me? You bet! I would love to come at recovery with a few meetings and some baseball but experience shows I need more. If I go to the ocean with a thimble how much water can I get? I searched ferociously and eventually found some folks that showed me how to drive a tanker! Only you can know the answer...are you being fed? Or are you starving? Today I don't settle for just being sober...so much more exists, but I have to mine it.
Best of luck to you.
Did it anger me? You bet! I would love to come at recovery with a few meetings and some baseball but experience shows I need more. If I go to the ocean with a thimble how much water can I get? I searched ferociously and eventually found some folks that showed me how to drive a tanker! Only you can know the answer...are you being fed? Or are you starving? Today I don't settle for just being sober...so much more exists, but I have to mine it.
Best of luck to you.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
My sponsor has over 25 years of what I see as quality sobriety, so she must be on to something. I want what she has which is why I asked her.
I guess I don't need hand holding or being told what to do. I know what to do. What I do need is to learn to take charge of my life and stand on my own two feet- and maybe that is what she is helping me do but standing back and letting me push through and work the program.
I guess I don't need hand holding or being told what to do. I know what to do. What I do need is to learn to take charge of my life and stand on my own two feet- and maybe that is what she is helping me do but standing back and letting me push through and work the program.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,969
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism"
Maybe you can talk with your sponsor and have a heart to heart? Maybe meet in person and really talk?
When we invest ourselves in our own recovery, that is where true change comes about. In early recovery, I had no idea what I needed or didn't need. One thing I know is that I couldn't work the steps without guidance; that is the real program of recovery. Keep moving through the steps. Steps 4-9 is the program of recovery. To learn our patterns of behavior and to have change occur is what is the result of working all of the steps.
To have a conscious contact with one's higher power is what we learn to do. When I am in control of my life, I get drunk. I have a new manager, it is a power greater than me.
Do you meet regularly with your sponsor to go over the step work?
Maybe you can talk with your sponsor and have a heart to heart? Maybe meet in person and really talk?
When we invest ourselves in our own recovery, that is where true change comes about. In early recovery, I had no idea what I needed or didn't need. One thing I know is that I couldn't work the steps without guidance; that is the real program of recovery. Keep moving through the steps. Steps 4-9 is the program of recovery. To learn our patterns of behavior and to have change occur is what is the result of working all of the steps.
To have a conscious contact with one's higher power is what we learn to do. When I am in control of my life, I get drunk. I have a new manager, it is a power greater than me.
Do you meet regularly with your sponsor to go over the step work?
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by aeo1313 
I have a sponsor and I like her, but don't yet feel any real connection.
sobriety date 5-2-12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
sugarbear- I am only on step 2 and haven't started on the worksheets. I see my sponsor almost every day at meetings.
Honestly I am having my "f&^% it" feelings more often lately.
Honestly I am having my "f&^% it" feelings more often lately.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
I've had strong sponsors and I've had weak ones. The nice thing is ... if you're not getting what you need from the one you have ... find another.
It's important that you find a sponsor that is exactly what you need them to be. My first one was 6'4" and weighed in at 240. His name was Big Bob. He didn't so much suggest what I needed to do to get sober as command me to do it.
As a sponsor myself, I try to be what the individual needs, but I can't guess and I don't read minds. If I miss the mark I need my sponsee to tell me. But ALL that being said - a sponsor IS someone you need to talk to not just see.
aeo1313 - if you're having these feelings more often lately it tells me one thing. You aren't communicating with your sponsor, going to enough meetings, or working the steps enough. When was the last time you read your Big Book ? The saying that "it works IF you work it" is very true.
A sponsor is there to be used and has a responsibility to be what you need but they aren't there to carry you. You have to walk the path.
It's important that you find a sponsor that is exactly what you need them to be. My first one was 6'4" and weighed in at 240. His name was Big Bob. He didn't so much suggest what I needed to do to get sober as command me to do it.
As a sponsor myself, I try to be what the individual needs, but I can't guess and I don't read minds. If I miss the mark I need my sponsee to tell me. But ALL that being said - a sponsor IS someone you need to talk to not just see.
aeo1313 - if you're having these feelings more often lately it tells me one thing. You aren't communicating with your sponsor, going to enough meetings, or working the steps enough. When was the last time you read your Big Book ? The saying that "it works IF you work it" is very true.
A sponsor is there to be used and has a responsibility to be what you need but they aren't there to carry you. You have to walk the path.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i agree with fred. make her earn combat pay! dont be afraid to voice yer concerns with her about why she is sponsoring the way she is. she may be letting you see things on your own, but for me, i know seeing things on my own was usin my own thinkin and my own thinkin got me to the doors of AA and my 1st sponsor want afraid to give me the cold hard facts. i needed it that way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 464
If you need a sponsor to push you, chances are you need something other than a sponsor. A sponsor is a guide- think of them as a mentor. That word actually fits better. When you need help with the steps, your sponsor is there. When you need to pick a home group, or have questions about home groups your sponsor is there.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please look for this pamphlet on the Literature Rack. In the meantime you can read it on line:
http://aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
When I got my first sponsor, she had 13 years in, she told me that she was there to 'guide' me through the steps and to share with me how she did it.
That is what we worked on at first. Yes, I called her just about every day (I was not perfect, lol) because she asked me to. I figured out later (when I started sponsoring) that this was a good way for her to see how well I would follow directions.
As our relationship continued (she was my sponsor for 18 1/2 years until her death) it changed a lot. We became really good friends, her and her hubby (also a recovering A, and sometimes she would send me to him, when I was being too hard headed for her, lol). At times they were like my brother and sister, my parents, and they played "Devil's Advocate" with me a lot. I ADORED them both, and will be forever grateful for their guidance and friendship.
My next sponsor was my grand sponsor (Bev's Sponsor) and I had her until her death, a little over 5 years. Now by the time Bev passed away, my needs for a sponsor were different than when I first got here, and Doris would listen as I 'bounced' a problem and then my solution off of her, and when I was done, would either say my solution was a good one, or add a few suggestions to it.
After her demise I did not get another sponsor. However, I have many friends with my length of sobriety or more and we talk to each other, and 'bounce' problems and solutions off of each other. Plus, I do sponsor a lot, so ..................................... I would say, go talk to your sponsor about what you have posted and see if you two can come to a resolution of how to improve this relationship and really start digging into the steps so those 'thoughts' (the alcoholic voice or Kind Alcohol) will again be put on the back burner and eventually be only a 'fleeting thought' once in a great while.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
http://aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
When I got my first sponsor, she had 13 years in, she told me that she was there to 'guide' me through the steps and to share with me how she did it.
That is what we worked on at first. Yes, I called her just about every day (I was not perfect, lol) because she asked me to. I figured out later (when I started sponsoring) that this was a good way for her to see how well I would follow directions.
As our relationship continued (she was my sponsor for 18 1/2 years until her death) it changed a lot. We became really good friends, her and her hubby (also a recovering A, and sometimes she would send me to him, when I was being too hard headed for her, lol). At times they were like my brother and sister, my parents, and they played "Devil's Advocate" with me a lot. I ADORED them both, and will be forever grateful for their guidance and friendship.
My next sponsor was my grand sponsor (Bev's Sponsor) and I had her until her death, a little over 5 years. Now by the time Bev passed away, my needs for a sponsor were different than when I first got here, and Doris would listen as I 'bounced' a problem and then my solution off of her, and when I was done, would either say my solution was a good one, or add a few suggestions to it.
After her demise I did not get another sponsor. However, I have many friends with my length of sobriety or more and we talk to each other, and 'bounce' problems and solutions off of each other. Plus, I do sponsor a lot, so ..................................... I would say, go talk to your sponsor about what you have posted and see if you two can come to a resolution of how to improve this relationship and really start digging into the steps so those 'thoughts' (the alcoholic voice or Kind Alcohol) will again be put on the back burner and eventually be only a 'fleeting thought' once in a great while.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
The pamphlet is great...although it describes something very different from how I saw sponsorship practiced.
I wish stuff like this had been available to me back when I was starting out (or that I had known about it). It must be a great help to have some authority to provide a standard for what a sponsor should be doing. (No tests of willingness! Being available to answer newbie's questions!)
I wish stuff like this had been available to me back when I was starting out (or that I had known about it). It must be a great help to have some authority to provide a standard for what a sponsor should be doing. (No tests of willingness! Being available to answer newbie's questions!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
If its not a good fit dont be shy to tell her. Trust me she will understand. I lost my first sponsor. I stressed for days on how to tell her it wasnt working. She was so cool about it. She knew and wanted me to make that move. Its character building to be honest with someone yet not insult them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 1,003
All relationships take time to develop. This isn't velcro intimacy, thankfully. Each time I meet or talk with my sponsor, the relationship is moving forward. Each time I call and don't actually share what's on my heart and mind, the relationship is stalling. The quality of the relationship is 50% mine.
As for wanting a sponsor to tell you what to do? Heaven forbid! Control freaks in AA are a plague in my opinion. But......if that's really what you want.....there are plenty around.
They'll be more than happy to work out their ego stuff on you.
As for wanting a sponsor to tell you what to do? Heaven forbid! Control freaks in AA are a plague in my opinion. But......if that's really what you want.....there are plenty around.
They'll be more than happy to work out their ego stuff on you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
My first sponsor made it pretty clear what he could do, and what he couldn't right from the beginning.
He told me he had recovered from alcoholism, by implementing a spiritual program of action outlined in the book "alcoholics anonymous".
He didn't mention meetings, which surprised me at the time....only that he regarded it as a privilege to share with me, how he recovered through the book.
We had long chats about why i felt like i did, when NOT drinking.
and what happens when i drink....how im different.....but not special lol.
He laughed lots....and i whined plenty.
He never encourage me to ring him, unless it pertained to the work in the book.
which i did often...and when i started working with others i phoned plenty too.
He would tell me that alcoholics that relied on humans to recover got drunk...and my reliance should slowly come from a god that was of my own understanding, and encouraged me to have my own experience.
He told me he had recovered from alcoholism, by implementing a spiritual program of action outlined in the book "alcoholics anonymous".
He didn't mention meetings, which surprised me at the time....only that he regarded it as a privilege to share with me, how he recovered through the book.
We had long chats about why i felt like i did, when NOT drinking.
and what happens when i drink....how im different.....but not special lol.
He laughed lots....and i whined plenty.
He never encourage me to ring him, unless it pertained to the work in the book.
which i did often...and when i started working with others i phoned plenty too.
He would tell me that alcoholics that relied on humans to recover got drunk...and my reliance should slowly come from a god that was of my own understanding, and encouraged me to have my own experience.
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