noclu

Hello- I am new here! I have read several different forums over the last several months that are related to my situation which have been helpful in showing me that I am not alone, but I have decided to join the site and put my situation up here for some advice, input, support, etc.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We have lived together for 5 of those years. In the beginning I was completely unaware of his prescription pill addicition. He did smoke marijuana which I regrettably joined in on when it was less frequent. Ultimately it got to the point where he did it everyday and would be so angry if he ran out. Unfortunately I continued to smoke with him even though I really didn't enjoy it and began to hate that he was doing it but I didn't know how or have the courage to stop it. Eventually the pill addicition began to become more obvious. He would get pain killers from whoever (usually stealing them from his grandmother) and ask if I wanted to take a couple. I did it a couple of times very sporadically and I thought it was just as sporadic for him too. I was wrong. He began to collect more at a time and keep them somewhere and make sure he knew exactly how many he had so he knew how long they would last. He always knew when he was going to take some and how many he was going to take. I saw there was a problem but I didn't say or do anything about it. I think I just hoped it would go away on its own. I had never been in this situation before, not even close so I was really unsure what to do or what to think. Finally my boyfriend recognized his own problem and sought out a physician that ran a Suboxone program that he had heard about. He started this about a year and a half ago and it was working for him, no pills and no weed. He had a good job and seemed to be really doing ok. He and I had talked about moving out of state for years. It was something he had always wanted to do and although I hadn't really thought about it before he brought it up it sounded like a wonderful idea. About a year ago we save a bunch of money and I started doing the research to make the move. We decided that once one of us found a job we would both move and the other would find work as soon as we got to where we were going. Well this past November it finally happened. I sent out so many resumes and applications and finally received a job offer. This was very exciting. We were finally doing this and it was scary and exciting all at the same time. I knew he was so happy. We made our way down and I started working within the first 5 days of being here. I expected my boyfriend to start job hunting pretty quickly. We did have unpacking to take care of and we needed to get our internet up and running to really make an impact on the job search and that took a little time, but more time continued to pass. He did end up finding a job that he started about 3 months after we moved. He also decided for some reason that it was a good idea to by synthetic marijuana at a head shop. I should have stopped that right there. I tried to be as nice as possible about it when I told him that I really don't think it is a good idea and asked if he could at least refrain from smoking it frequently. That didn't happen. He started smoking this stuff everyday. If he was home he was smoking it. He would grab it within 1 minute of getting home from work or he would just take it with him so he could get started on his drive home. He got to the point of buying around 4 bags per week which was rather expensive. Our fund were running out even though he was working. Then about 2 and a half months ago when he no longer had insurance or a doctor to prescribe him his suboxone medicine things went downhill. Suboxone is said to be hard to come off of then the pills that you switched from. He started going through withdraw and was missing a lot of work and continuing to smoke with junk. I didn't know what to do. I had to go to work and I didn't know how to help him so I freaked and called his mom. She flew down and tried to get him to a doctor but within 2 days of her being here he had terrible withdraw symptoms and was taken to the emergency room. We discussed putting him back on the suboxone but decided against it because of how hard it was and due to the fact that he was already going through the worst part of the withdraw. He followed up with a doctor and they prescribed him anti-depressants, aderall, and sleeping meds. He was supposed to return to work the following monday after the e.r. visit but he freaked out and said he couldn't do it so he quit his job. He said he was sorry but couldn't keep going to work do the things he always did high. He has always been into re-selling things through ebay and what not and has always wanted to own his own business doing these things. He told me to let him know when we needed money and he would do what he could to take care of it. I supported him in this decision because he was such a mess that he wouldn't have been able to function at work. Well his sister came down to stay with us for a while to help make sure he wasn't alone while I worked. He has been getting much better. About a month and a half ago his sister invested in him to purchase storage units full of things to resell. He knew he could double or triple what they paid for everything once he resells it all. As of today he has not sold anything. We can't pay all of our bills for this month and things are getting tense.
We keep having these blow out fights with yelling and screaming. I don't know what I am doing. I feel like my life was already put on hold for him because all he wanted to do was smoke and pop pills. I felt like we had been spinning our wheels for years not moving forward. I spoke to him shortly before his big withdraw blowout about us and our relationship because I was entertaining the idea of us breaking up because I didn't want to keep waiting for things that weren't going to happen. I want to get married and start a family and own my own home. He reassured me that I wasn't going to have to wait long and that he wants all of those things too. I took what he said into consideration and decided to accept it and see what happens. Well then everything went crazy. The withdraw, the quitting his job, the fighting, the going broke all just slapped me in the face. I feel like I don't know if I want to be in this relationship any more but I don't want to be the one who gives up on him. He has always been pretty good at making me feel like I don't support his ideas and decisions enough. It is really hard to support an idea that you believe is a bad one. I love him, but I don't know if I can handle being with an addict the rest of my life. I feel like I don't know if we are good for each other. Clearly I didn't help him when I should have by noticing his problem and addressing it. I enabled him during his addictive years. I feel like we take 1 step forward and about 20 steps back. I am stupid for staying in this relationship? Is it wrong for me to want out? Is it even possible for us to be happy? Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish but then I sit and think "what's wrong with that?" I deserve to want to make myself happy for a change don't I? Are there any success stories out there of addict and non-addict couples? I have read an awful lot of comments saying that it will never work.


I know this is a very long story, but this has been my life for the last 6 years and I feel like I am at a breaking point. I am afraid that I am not doing any thing good for him and I am becoming more and more unhappy along the way.

Kindeyes

An unhealthy dynamic is tough to break unless both parties are working toward a healthier dynamic.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy relationship and there is nothing wrong with moving on if a partner isn't willing to work as a team toward that goal. I spent a whole lot of time trying to drag my AXH and AS toward healthier interaction. It took me a while to realize that it sure would be easier if they'd head that same direction with me rather than me pushing or pulling them along. That was exhausting.

Welcome to SR...there is a lot of collective wisdom here. I hope you find some clarity in the experience, strength and hope of others here.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

Let your breaking point be the starting point for change. You can live better, you can have a happy life and a peaceful one...but it will require change.

You can say "enough" and move forward. It's all up to you and you CAN do it. Just begin today and plan for a better tomorrow.

Hugs

calgirl2012

NOCLU:

Your story sounds literally identical to mine. I came on here to vent/ connect with others going through similar challenges... I am 26 and was with someone for 3 years - lived with him... Thought he was just a "pothead" and it turned out that he was taking pain killers almost every day behind my back... We broke up and he came crying to me to help him - I did as best I could... I tried to help him get better and get off the pain killers... I moved away from him to try to get my space and all I do is think about him and wonder if he will ever be okay.

The scariest part of the drug abuse (whether it be pot or pills - does not matter) was the FIGHTING - he would turn into a monster and become vicious... Literally scream at the top of his lungs at me.

Are you going to move on from him? My honest opinion tells me to move on and just LET GO of him... it's literally impossible though - especially when you have Invested SO MUCH in someone... Are you going to let go of him???

I really want to, I really want to cut him out... The drugs have completely ruined him as a person and ruined our relationship... leaving me broken... How do I let go and move on?

Please help

noclu

calgirl2012:

I feel exactly the same way with not being able to let go and having so much invested. We have still been together since I originally posted my story, but things don't seem to be any better. I started working a second job just so I can cover the bills every month because he still hasn't started working. We fight alot. I keep going back and forth because I love him so much but I just don't think he is getting any better himself. How can I help him if he isn't trying to help himself. He seems to know that he needs help but then doesn't do anything drastic to get the help he needs. We got in a big fight last night and I said I just wanted it to be over and I am struggling with it today. I feel like we need to not be together right now. He needs to get help and straighten himself out otherwise we are just going to keep going in this vicious circle. He really needs to talk to a mental health professional because he is so unhappy and he is struggling every day to feel good about himself. I am stressed out and exhausted (both mentally and physically). I think I am going to have to let him go. Saying that out loud makes me cry. It makes me sick to my stomach even. My biggest fear is feeling like I am "giving up" or leaving him in a time of need. It's hard because I think this needs to happen for both of us. He needs to get better and I need to get happy.

Vale

>>>>>>>>>I think I am going to have to let him go. Saying that out loud makes me cry. It makes me sick to my stomach even. My biggest fear is feeling like I am "giving up" or leaving him in a time of need. It's hard because I think this needs to happen for both of us. He needs to get better and I need to get happy.<<<<<<<<<<<
================================================== ==============
noclu,
You certainly DO have a clue.It is obvious you have a bead on what it takes to
reclaim your happiness.But as good 'ole Morpheus said in the matrix...."There is a
difference between knowing the path.......and walking the path".
Abandoning someone in their time of greatest need is a concept of great
crippling power.It held me in a trance for almost 3 years,tied to a person who was merely
an aquaintance who asked for some help.

If I don't help her,her next step is homelessness.How will I feel if I read her name in an obituary?

Then I found SR,and discovered the truth.That I was one of many enablers who
were perpetuating her stay in the hell on Earth that is addiction.Like another 'friend'
who let her move in---on the condition that she become a 24/7 'slave'.Or the
hard time ex-con addict who 'took her in' also.....

The point is,it never ends.She could have found her bottom and recovered
IF ALLOWED TO.But the plethora of spiders and snakes who ENJOY and
take BENEFIT
from the fact that she has no power or leverage in this world......DON'T WANT THAT!!!

From my personal observation,the VERY WORST THING about this ghastly
affliction is that it takes AWAY you power to self-determine and places you in a
UNIVERSE of "black holes" (soul-destroying voracious sucking machines of negativity)
.....all trying to suck you in to (and imprison you) in their nether world.The old
canard that misery loves company probably originated with addict.

In the end,with the help of SR,I decided I did not want to be confederates with
the scum of the Earth. I truly wanted what was best for her. And in order to do that I
needed to go no contact.

Does she hate me for it? Probably.

But at least she knew she had one true friend.

I wish I could tell you it was easy.

It isn't.

crazybabie

Seems you realize that children are not a good idea right I got pregnant while on birth control just something too think about.

Your being really hard on yourself even if you had said something about the use earlier reality is he will do what HE wants too.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

Your already doing everything on your own you can make it.

kmangel

You can move on and see what happens with your boyfriend. Maybe he'll decide he will fight his addiction. He's not doing anything with you there, is he? You'll keep adding more and more to what you are already doing. As a woman, I want a man to support me, not for me to be the only responsible person in the relationship. Your boyfriend has had plenty of time to get his act together but because you stay with him he only gets worse. How much worse does it have to get? It can get better, not worse, though, if you choose to make better choices yourself. Somebody has to and I wouldn't be looking to him to make better choices. He's shown you clearly where his heart is and it's with his drugs. You can continue to live as you are living, getting deeper and deeper mired in the muck. Ot you can live with his addiction but learn all the ways to not enable him. Or you can move on and start afresh. What do you want? Whatever it is, start moving in that direction today.

nerdygirl

I guess I'm what you'd call a "success story". My AH has been a drug addict for years. It wasn't until after we were married and living together did I see the extent of his pill problem (30mg Percocets 3x per day). His addiction was sucking money from our household, sucking the life out of him and sucking away my spirit. I came here, read a lot - especially Co Dependent No More and realized something had to change. While I was figuring things out, I began to detach from him. I detached from his problems, his issues, his excuses, everything. No money from me to carry him through till payday after he blew $800 in 3 days on pills. He noticed the detachment and I guess that was what scared him. I have already been divorced once. It was very hard but it didn't kill me. I can survive another if I had to. He knew this and he knew enough about me to know I was one bad day away from throwing his clothes in the yard and changing the locks. I didn't have to though. He changed. I didn't threaten him - I let him be whoever he was going to be. Apparently, he didn't want to be a drug addict anymore. I decided I wouldn't live with a person in active addiction. I didn't tell him this - it was MY decision. MY boundary. None of his business. He's been clean since April of last year. We're still together and bought a house a few months ago.... Only you can decide what to do and when to do it. It sounds like you've already decided to let go. I did the same thing and while I was getting my ducks in a row, he changed. Good luck and be sure to come back often!! We're here for you!