Struggling with my decision...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Struggling with my decision...
I've been reading a lot of posts here and finding the support really helpful but I'm also feeling like I have been very lucky in that my situation did not involve physical or verbal abuse and I don't have children, so I know it could be so much worse. But, that is also making me struggle with my decision - my ABF didn't put me down or blame me or cheat on me. Don't get me wrong, he was still incredibly selfish and his response to me complaining about his drinking binges a couple of years back was say I just wanted to control him and didn't want him to go out. More recently, he's just been depressed and feeling sorry for himself when he'd relapsed. (short history, he used to drink too much, go on binges on nights out, then when he finally tried to stop drinking, he ended up drinking secretly and then he ended up drinking during the day). The drinking is the main issue but also, contributing to his self pity is that he is financially dependent on me after a period of unemployment a few years back. I was probably putting up with more than I should in that area but he was starting to contribute more so I was willing to give him time - but not if he drank.
I know I deserve more but he has acknowledged he has a problem, he just isn't, IMO, able to come to terms with the solution (i.e. never having a drink again). And I can't detach while I'm with him - i've done it all, smell the breath when he kisses me hello, check his pupils (what for, i'm not sure), ask him ten times 'are you ok?' when he appeared tired, asked if he had been drinking etc. I've read Codependent no more and recognised my behaviour, made goals to try and change it (day one of holiday) and then he went and drank on day two of our much needed holiday. That was the final straw for me.
That was about two weeks ago - i since flew back home on my own (my first proper detachment) and then asked him to move out when he got back explaining I cannot cope with it nor feel I should. He has understood, appears to be making an effort to look for a place but not found anything yet, and appears to be sad too that it has come to this, but hoping he can sort himself out. He says he is 'talking to people' including his sponsor about his problem but I wouldn't know anyway - the trust is so damaged, I don't know what to believe anymore.
I have said I only want to see him again, once he moves out, when he has spent a year working on himself, staying sober. In my head, i am doing this for me but also hope it will have a positive benefit for him - its the only way I can stick to it is to remind myself neither of us is doing well in this. If we live together now, I will just go down the same road of watching him like a hawk, doing the same mad stuff. i know it won't be my fault but if he is drinking, I just have more pain ahead, if he isn't, i don't think it will be the best environment for him to succeed and our relationship will end regardless.
Anyway, what this long ramble was about was how I am reading other posts and thinking, am I giving up too soon? By ending it now, am I throwing any chance of being with him at a later date away? I know I don't want to deal with not knowing if weekends will be his time to 'crack up' or if we'll be normal. I don't want to walk on egg shells each time he comes home and worry about reducing his stress, at cost to me. But I feel such pain and sadness at parting from him that I wonder what will come of it?
Any advice or words of wisdom really appreciated.
I know I deserve more but he has acknowledged he has a problem, he just isn't, IMO, able to come to terms with the solution (i.e. never having a drink again). And I can't detach while I'm with him - i've done it all, smell the breath when he kisses me hello, check his pupils (what for, i'm not sure), ask him ten times 'are you ok?' when he appeared tired, asked if he had been drinking etc. I've read Codependent no more and recognised my behaviour, made goals to try and change it (day one of holiday) and then he went and drank on day two of our much needed holiday. That was the final straw for me.
That was about two weeks ago - i since flew back home on my own (my first proper detachment) and then asked him to move out when he got back explaining I cannot cope with it nor feel I should. He has understood, appears to be making an effort to look for a place but not found anything yet, and appears to be sad too that it has come to this, but hoping he can sort himself out. He says he is 'talking to people' including his sponsor about his problem but I wouldn't know anyway - the trust is so damaged, I don't know what to believe anymore.
I have said I only want to see him again, once he moves out, when he has spent a year working on himself, staying sober. In my head, i am doing this for me but also hope it will have a positive benefit for him - its the only way I can stick to it is to remind myself neither of us is doing well in this. If we live together now, I will just go down the same road of watching him like a hawk, doing the same mad stuff. i know it won't be my fault but if he is drinking, I just have more pain ahead, if he isn't, i don't think it will be the best environment for him to succeed and our relationship will end regardless.
Anyway, what this long ramble was about was how I am reading other posts and thinking, am I giving up too soon? By ending it now, am I throwing any chance of being with him at a later date away? I know I don't want to deal with not knowing if weekends will be his time to 'crack up' or if we'll be normal. I don't want to walk on egg shells each time he comes home and worry about reducing his stress, at cost to me. But I feel such pain and sadness at parting from him that I wonder what will come of it?
Any advice or words of wisdom really appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
There is no way to know what will happen. I made my AX leave my house about a month ago because I was sick and tired of living with the selfishness and broken promises. At times, I hope that my no longer enabling him will motivate him to change, but since he remains in denial about his drinking, I doubt it will. But maybe it will. The thing is, I have no way of knowing what will happen, and I just try to accept that.
The main thing is, I am feeling better overall even though I miss him and ask myself if I didn't do enough to motivate him to change. In reality, I realize that allowing him to live with me was the exact opposite of motivating him to change. It was cushy living here with me, paying almost nothing in living expenses, and dishing out promises to change while doing nothing to get help.
Some interesting things have happened since I made the AX move out. I have gotten money from a couple unexpected windfalls, I have had a big increase in people reaching out to me so my social life has kept me busy and happy, and I sold my house and am moving to a really great new, smaller house with much more reasonable expenses. I have not been striving to be more social or get more money--these things have just happened. Things are much more harmonious in my life overall. To what do I attribute this? I truly believe that so much of my energy was wrapped up in the struggle of living with an A, and now things are balancing out and my life is getting better.
Thus I sense that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. So I have to trust that whatever happens with my AX will also be a correction in balance in his life. Perhaps he will become much worse off and we will never be together again, but if that's the balance that is struck now that I've taken away my support, then that is what is meant to be.
The main thing is, I am feeling better overall even though I miss him and ask myself if I didn't do enough to motivate him to change. In reality, I realize that allowing him to live with me was the exact opposite of motivating him to change. It was cushy living here with me, paying almost nothing in living expenses, and dishing out promises to change while doing nothing to get help.
Some interesting things have happened since I made the AX move out. I have gotten money from a couple unexpected windfalls, I have had a big increase in people reaching out to me so my social life has kept me busy and happy, and I sold my house and am moving to a really great new, smaller house with much more reasonable expenses. I have not been striving to be more social or get more money--these things have just happened. Things are much more harmonious in my life overall. To what do I attribute this? I truly believe that so much of my energy was wrapped up in the struggle of living with an A, and now things are balancing out and my life is getting better.
Thus I sense that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. So I have to trust that whatever happens with my AX will also be a correction in balance in his life. Perhaps he will become much worse off and we will never be together again, but if that's the balance that is struck now that I've taken away my support, then that is what is meant to be.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Be proud of yourself that you have boundaries. I am going through same thing and I feel so sad the majority of the time but I know it will pass. My gut too feels sick but I also realize I have to protect my children from any childhood issues or I will repeat the cycle. I am so glad you are able to see the positive things that are happening to you. Your awareness is admirable! You're doing all the right things. Its ok to be sad but there's no magic formula that will bring him successful recovery or you back together. When my AH left me (again) I was so sad because he had 8 months sober and 5 months in active recovery program, doing all the right things, etc...We supported him and attended everything, etc..Unfortunately, we did all those things and he still relapsed. I just never want to feel blindsided like that ever again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you for everyone's comments. Changechoices, what you said about cushy situation does make sense. When I feel stronger i think the same way that he has no motivation to change or sort himself out while i prop him up. Hopefully he will get some self respect back from standing on his own two feet or if he doesn't, i don't want that from a relationship anyway.
I still struggle with the 'didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it' and stuff i've read about changing your behaviour. I know I didn't cause it (still struggling with the last two) but then i read in Getting Them Sober that changing your behaviour can help the addict so bit of a contradiction.
I am going to try and focus just on one day at a time and not project into a year's time and what might/might not happen. The sooner my XABF moves out and i can start to move on, the more I hope i'll be able to see the positive benefits of my decision and less of the pain.
I still struggle with the 'didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it' and stuff i've read about changing your behaviour. I know I didn't cause it (still struggling with the last two) but then i read in Getting Them Sober that changing your behaviour can help the addict so bit of a contradiction.
I am going to try and focus just on one day at a time and not project into a year's time and what might/might not happen. The sooner my XABF moves out and i can start to move on, the more I hope i'll be able to see the positive benefits of my decision and less of the pain.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Life is nothing but a series of choices and the ones we make can determine our destiny... this is for both the alcoholic and codependent. Of course, there is the saying "Hindsight is 20/20. This is why this forum can be so helpful as you can hear about the outcomes of women who have made lots of different choices and what their outcomes were.
In my case I spent 4 years doing what I now call "helicoptering" although at the time I would deny it was codependence. My A would be sober for periods or he would be drinking, detoxing, in rehab and on rare occasions he actually was in what I believed was real genuine spiritual recovery.
In looking back with 20/20 vision (new pair of glasses) I now realize that the wiser course would have been to have developed no alcoholic boundaries the first time he relapsed and the entire course of the last 4 years would have been very different. Because I was addicted to him and to the drama and chaos and didn't understand how much my actions were crippling him I contributed to the alcoholic dance all the while I resented the reality I helped create.
Had I detached he would have had to take complete responsibility and determine his own choices and destiny... to be in true recovery or drink... and drinking meant that I was out of his life. Instead there was always the weird relationship dynamics that we talk about all the time on this forum... not healthy at all.
My insane life of 4 years of trying to "save" my alcoholic from himself failed... I am pretty sure it always does... they have to save themselves for themselves. He relapsed hard after over a year of abstinence and just spent 3 months on a bender in Las Vegas after I threw him out and went NC.
He went from penthouses and diamond status to sleeping in doorways. For the first time he made the decision on his own to go into a long term residential Christ centered treatment program and took a greyhound to another state to get there. For the first time it is not a hospital bed or a jail cell that stopped his drinking (he probably couldn't keep the alcohol down anymore physically is my guess).
Progress not perfection. It is his life to live or lose. Alcoholism is progressive and unless in real recovery it will get worse...usually much worse.
Not living with your A and not hovering or helicoptering their life and working on ourselves is the healthiest path in most cases... but each of us needs to listen to the voices of recovery that have wisdom and then pray to our HP for wisdom and direction.
A good therapist well versed in addiction and codependency along with alanon and this site is the best advice I can give anyone.
In my case I spent 4 years doing what I now call "helicoptering" although at the time I would deny it was codependence. My A would be sober for periods or he would be drinking, detoxing, in rehab and on rare occasions he actually was in what I believed was real genuine spiritual recovery.
In looking back with 20/20 vision (new pair of glasses) I now realize that the wiser course would have been to have developed no alcoholic boundaries the first time he relapsed and the entire course of the last 4 years would have been very different. Because I was addicted to him and to the drama and chaos and didn't understand how much my actions were crippling him I contributed to the alcoholic dance all the while I resented the reality I helped create.
Had I detached he would have had to take complete responsibility and determine his own choices and destiny... to be in true recovery or drink... and drinking meant that I was out of his life. Instead there was always the weird relationship dynamics that we talk about all the time on this forum... not healthy at all.
My insane life of 4 years of trying to "save" my alcoholic from himself failed... I am pretty sure it always does... they have to save themselves for themselves. He relapsed hard after over a year of abstinence and just spent 3 months on a bender in Las Vegas after I threw him out and went NC.
He went from penthouses and diamond status to sleeping in doorways. For the first time he made the decision on his own to go into a long term residential Christ centered treatment program and took a greyhound to another state to get there. For the first time it is not a hospital bed or a jail cell that stopped his drinking (he probably couldn't keep the alcohol down anymore physically is my guess).
Progress not perfection. It is his life to live or lose. Alcoholism is progressive and unless in real recovery it will get worse...usually much worse.
Not living with your A and not hovering or helicoptering their life and working on ourselves is the healthiest path in most cases... but each of us needs to listen to the voices of recovery that have wisdom and then pray to our HP for wisdom and direction.
A good therapist well versed in addiction and codependency along with alanon and this site is the best advice I can give anyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
You are not giving up, you are setting boundaries. There is nothing to prevent you from reuniting with him in some way in a year or two or three IF he has shown by his actions that he is leading a sober life of recovery and you have learned enough not to fall into the codependent pattern again.
In my own marriage of 16 years, there was neither physical or verbal abuse per se, BUT there was emotional abuse. Living with an alcoholic automatically subjects us to emotional abuse. I didn't quite realize just how devastating it actually was to me until we separated and I had some space to consider it all, then I realized the emotional abuse had been pretty devastating.
You both deserve the dignity of making the best choices for your own life, sanity, happiness. Al Anon, counseling, and reading on alcoholism, codependence, and recovery from both will help you. Good job for setting your boundaries and sticking to them!
In my own marriage of 16 years, there was neither physical or verbal abuse per se, BUT there was emotional abuse. Living with an alcoholic automatically subjects us to emotional abuse. I didn't quite realize just how devastating it actually was to me until we separated and I had some space to consider it all, then I realized the emotional abuse had been pretty devastating.
You both deserve the dignity of making the best choices for your own life, sanity, happiness. Al Anon, counseling, and reading on alcoholism, codependence, and recovery from both will help you. Good job for setting your boundaries and sticking to them!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Hi Anon12,
I've been following yiour story since your first post so I understand the heartache you are experiencing. While I took a different path when at the saame fork in the road you are now, what SoaringSpirit says really hits home. Living with an alcoholic automatically subjects us to emotional abuse
In all my posts, I would never tell someone that there is hope and/or to stay with the alcoholic because it wouldn't be right to send them to a lifetime of emotional abuse. I simply relate my experiences in the hope that it can help them/you and it also helps me.
The idea of loving detachment is the only thing saving me now. I'm working so deperately on this part of my recovery for me. As Hopeworks writes: but each of us needs to listen to the voices of recovery that have wisdom and then pray to our HP for wisdom and direction.
Sometimes, while in my quiet place, I relflect on how my life would have been if I had left my AW in the beginning. I also relect on how my life can be if I were to leave her now. The short answer is that I would be better; that is, my quality of life and emotional state would be better. We all make our own decisions for our own reasons and I live by mine. Thankfully almost everyone here respects mine and helps me get through each day rather than telling me: "We told you so."
Anon12, to answer your question: am I giving up too soon? From where I sit, I don't think so. I believe you have made the decision to save yourself from a lifetime of heartache. Take care, my friend.
I've been following yiour story since your first post so I understand the heartache you are experiencing. While I took a different path when at the saame fork in the road you are now, what SoaringSpirit says really hits home. Living with an alcoholic automatically subjects us to emotional abuse
In all my posts, I would never tell someone that there is hope and/or to stay with the alcoholic because it wouldn't be right to send them to a lifetime of emotional abuse. I simply relate my experiences in the hope that it can help them/you and it also helps me.
The idea of loving detachment is the only thing saving me now. I'm working so deperately on this part of my recovery for me. As Hopeworks writes: but each of us needs to listen to the voices of recovery that have wisdom and then pray to our HP for wisdom and direction.
Sometimes, while in my quiet place, I relflect on how my life would have been if I had left my AW in the beginning. I also relect on how my life can be if I were to leave her now. The short answer is that I would be better; that is, my quality of life and emotional state would be better. We all make our own decisions for our own reasons and I live by mine. Thankfully almost everyone here respects mine and helps me get through each day rather than telling me: "We told you so."
Anon12, to answer your question: am I giving up too soon? From where I sit, I don't think so. I believe you have made the decision to save yourself from a lifetime of heartache. Take care, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You are not giving up at all, much less too soon. This isn't a situation where "giving up" even applies. You are doing what you have to do to save yourself. You are doing the opposite of giving up.
You have it completely backwards, which is common in situations like this. If anybody gave up in this situation it was him. You did nothing of the sort.
Take care,
Cyranoak
You have it completely backwards, which is common in situations like this. If anybody gave up in this situation it was him. You did nothing of the sort.
Take care,
Cyranoak
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I left an XABF 3 years ago
No, he had not hit me - YET -
Today I am IN LOVE with life itself and taking care of my needs! scary but great! I had never felt more alive, or grateful.
Mourning an active alcoholic was very painful but it passed.
He keeps drinking and denying any issue.
It seems you are relating his drinking with your presence or absence, it has nothing to do with you. XABF drank YEARS before I met him. He drank while with me. 3 years later? drinking the same or more. If he is going to quit -and it might never happen but that is not my problem - it will be his decision, independent of anyone around him.
Keep taking care of yourself and listening to your gut. We cannot live on hope, tomorrows that never come, clouds.. we have to live today and enjoy what we can, while we are still here, we never know when our time comes. Today is all we have...
Hugs!
No, he had not hit me - YET -
Today I am IN LOVE with life itself and taking care of my needs! scary but great! I had never felt more alive, or grateful.
Mourning an active alcoholic was very painful but it passed.
He keeps drinking and denying any issue.
It seems you are relating his drinking with your presence or absence, it has nothing to do with you. XABF drank YEARS before I met him. He drank while with me. 3 years later? drinking the same or more. If he is going to quit -and it might never happen but that is not my problem - it will be his decision, independent of anyone around him.
Keep taking care of yourself and listening to your gut. We cannot live on hope, tomorrows that never come, clouds.. we have to live today and enjoy what we can, while we are still here, we never know when our time comes. Today is all we have...
Hugs!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hi Anon12,
I wish to send you my support. There is absolutely nothing easy about recovery. Not for the person who is addicted or the people who love them. This will be a struggle and my advice is to accept that fact. Accept the struggle and then take steps to cope and believe in your heart that it will get better in time. One way or another. No guilty feelings. If it was meant to be then it will be in time.
I hope that helps in some way.
Love,
Lily
I wish to send you my support. There is absolutely nothing easy about recovery. Not for the person who is addicted or the people who love them. This will be a struggle and my advice is to accept that fact. Accept the struggle and then take steps to cope and believe in your heart that it will get better in time. One way or another. No guilty feelings. If it was meant to be then it will be in time.
I hope that helps in some way.
Love,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you for everyone's comments - I do find it helpful to think 'what will be, will be'. My ABF has also hopefully found another place so when he moves out, I think I will find it easier to deal with it as he won't be around as a constant reminder. Even now, when he says he is going around the corner to get something, I have this sick feeling of whether he is drinking and I remind myself that it is that rollercoaster I want to get off and that's why I am doing this.
That is what I struggle wtih - I won't know if he is leading a sober life of recovery if I'm not in touch with him and for all I know, he may still be in debt, drinking every now and then? I won't know unless I live with him again and that is a massive risk. I found myself slipping into codependency the other night reexplaining why i am doing this and I knew I was trying to say 'please sort yourself out' and trying to encourage that response through my words...
The only thing I thought is I would potentially know if he appeared to be in control of other areas of his life. That he was less obsessed with work, less stressed easily and more healthy generally. All that said, I know I probably shoudln't be worrying about a year from now but it is hard to not project a year on and wonder how i'd make the deicison whether to let him back in my life.
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits 
There is nothing to prevent you from reuniting with him in some way in a year or two or three IF he has shown by his actions that he is leading a sober life of recovery and you have learned enough not to fall into the codependent pattern again.
The only thing I thought is I would potentially know if he appeared to be in control of other areas of his life. That he was less obsessed with work, less stressed easily and more healthy generally. All that said, I know I probably shoudln't be worrying about a year from now but it is hard to not project a year on and wonder how i'd make the deicison whether to let him back in my life.
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