strugglingollie

Our 27 year old son had done drugs for a number of years (at least 5-6). We have only been aware of this in the last couple of years. We have paid rent, car payments and done many things to enable him. He came home again in November to get clean. We set certain rules: Go to AA, exercise (his idea) and find his own spirituality (his idea). He came home and basically did none of this and we foolishly let him stay. His abuse used to be pain pills in high doses. When he came home he couldn't afford that and started using heroin. He overdosed and eventually had the sense to check himself into rehab for 30 days. They recommended a further 90 day treatment. He refuses to do that.

He came home today and at first said he needed some time to get insurance for the car etc and a friend would send him money and he would return to where he lived and get a job again.

Then he said the friend wouldn't send him as much money and he wants to stay here a month or so and go to outpatient treatment with another recovering addict here. (This person talked him into going to rehab in the first place.). He will also supposedly look for a job.

At family week we said our boundaries were that he couldn't live at home. It is too painful. We are going to Al Anon and learning to detach. We don't really want him to live here, but are feeling sucked in by the line, I want to show you I have changed and by the thought of putting him out of the house. Do we stick to our boundaries? Or should we set boundaries about how he lives here. He spent all his money on drugs even when he made more than we did, so now he is broke. If he went to the extended rehab he could earn some money, but he refuses that

Buffalo66

I cannot say what is best, but here is my experience:

My RAH went to rehab, after years of living terribly, abusive, homeless manipulative...not taking care of his son.

I was so overjoyed when he took the initiative to put himself into treatment, that when he asked me in his final week if he could come home right away, I said yes. With these boundaries...and I gave him a list and it was discussed.

He is still sober, but he is not in active recovery. I suffered ALMOST as much in the last 18 months as I did when he was a drunk. I had to put him out 3 times, and have him reassess his behavior, reiterate the boundaries and rules of our partnership...

He is dealing with some mental issues, but is a child about getting the necessary help.

He is now at his moms. Visits with our son. He has his job, does great at it, but seems manic and driven and rigid to the point of bullying.

I wish I had not let him come home right away.
He did not have to earn anything. He may have relapsed without immediate gratification for getting clean, , but I think he would have been more hungry to learn and apply the program, to pursue the work necessary if he did not have it all kind of so easy for him. (of course he would scoff at "easy"...he was not using, after all...) But he wants to live like an entitled teenager. I am afraid I enabled this behavior by handing him what he should have been made to earn: The right to be a part of the family.

Addicts need to earn that back, because they do need to recognize that their actions have caused a lapse in trust. They must prove that they want health, and put in the time and work for it.

He is all too gleeful in discounting the advantages he has had, the help. He is judgemental and ungrateful.

Just my two cents, from my experience

akrasia

The man's 27. No.

Hopeworks

Lets see... your choices are:

A) allow him to live in your home and bring a stranger who is a "recoving" addict with him because someone won't send him enough money to do whatever and presumably you will support both...

or...

B) he can go to extended rehab and earn his own money while getting treatment and will have some accountibility with professionals.

I vote B

suki44883

You have already tried the "you can stay here if you do a, b, and c." He didn't do it, finally overdosed and that is the only reason he went to rehab. As has been said, he is 27 years old; way past time he should be on his own taking care of himself. You are not his only option, or the best one; just the easiest one. I say stick to your boundaries.

strugglingollie

Thanks to all. We had already figured it out and we agree. By the way sorry if we caused confusion. there wouldn't be any other friends living with us. Your support helps us stay strong.

DefofLov

Hi There!

Welcome to SoberRecovery! I can see that you recently joined.

First, I want to say that I am sorry for what you are going through. I must be really hard trying to make this decision. To find the decision that will benefit you and your son. I would like to share my perspective with you.

I am on the opposite side of things. You see, I am 27 and my parents, their siblings, and their parents are alcoholics and drug addicts. It's kinda messy.

But all of that just to say that I am 27, I am putting myself through nursing school and working long hours as a CNA. Plus, I live alone. This is because I have too. I don't have parents like you to look after me and help me.

So, sure it's sad and all of that but I'm taking care of myself. I believe with my heart that your son can do the same. He can take care of himself. We all can, especially when we have no choice.

I personally believe the best thing that you can do for him is hold him accountable. Don't let him come home. Try not to feel guilty because you are not responsible for him anymore. You did your job. He is an adult now.

Love,

Lily

Carol Star

Set solid boundaries and have him sign it and stick to it........