I might be dumb but I am not stupid!
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
I might be dumb but I am not stupid!
What was it that made you finally stop?*
How many times did you fail?
No one here considers themselves stupid but in the early days of sobriety I am surly dumb!
The tricks and schemes I use to drink. One would think I could see them coming a mile away. Yet I fall for them over and over.*
I have had a really rough couple of weeks. To be honest they coincide with starting to see a therapist about some long ago issues that were never processed. Also about the same time I came to this place. It's in verbalizing the things that have held me back for so long that has made me scramble in seemingly every direction.*
I want to be still for a time. Stop everything.*
Not possible.*
So here i sit at work. At least I got here today. I have nothing to share positive. Even I don't want to hear it so why would I subject you to it.*
But I guess just the realization of It all is important. You cannot fix something if you never knew it was broken. I am very broken at the moment. But repairable.
How many times did you fail?
No one here considers themselves stupid but in the early days of sobriety I am surly dumb!
The tricks and schemes I use to drink. One would think I could see them coming a mile away. Yet I fall for them over and over.*
I have had a really rough couple of weeks. To be honest they coincide with starting to see a therapist about some long ago issues that were never processed. Also about the same time I came to this place. It's in verbalizing the things that have held me back for so long that has made me scramble in seemingly every direction.*
I want to be still for a time. Stop everything.*
Not possible.*
So here i sit at work. At least I got here today. I have nothing to share positive. Even I don't want to hear it so why would I subject you to it.*
But I guess just the realization of It all is important. You cannot fix something if you never knew it was broken. I am very broken at the moment. But repairable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 36
What made me stop?
I was hiding in the bathroom of my mother's basement, newly turned 18, tweaking out on cocaine convinced that I was dying.
That was a very real moment for me, and I still remember how my heart was beating so hard I was convinced it was going to fall out of my chest at any moment.
I was also paranoid that every time I walked out doors the police were going to arrest me for drug possession, because I pretty much always had something on me at that time.
I remember sitting in the bathroom thinking, "God, please don't let me die. Don't let me die here, alone, in my mother's house. Please don't let her walk in on me like this."
That was THE day I decided it was time to stop.
I did relapse. I don't often admit that either, sometimes it feels like my getting sober was a miracle that just kind of happened. I don't remember how long it took me, but I remember I relapsed on two different occasions.. but after that I was done and never looked back.
I avoided situations where my DOC may have been present like I was avoiding the plague. I pretty much went into hermit mode. I lost nearly all of my "friends", and kept the few who hadn't black listed me due to my choice to live rather than slowly murder myself with drugs and alcohol... those people are still my friends 'til this day.. and some of the others, well.. they took the clean path also and now I socialize with them also.
It is possible though. You obviously want it, and are having a tough time of it.
I suggest you do seek therapy and/or some meetings.
Just remember, don't try to take one giant leap, it hardly ever works that way.
Take baby steps, on day at a time.. Maybe have a mantra you repeat to yourself daily, or when you feel the urge to drink.
I wish you all the best.
Hope to see more posts from you.
Take care of yourself.
I was hiding in the bathroom of my mother's basement, newly turned 18, tweaking out on cocaine convinced that I was dying.
That was a very real moment for me, and I still remember how my heart was beating so hard I was convinced it was going to fall out of my chest at any moment.
I was also paranoid that every time I walked out doors the police were going to arrest me for drug possession, because I pretty much always had something on me at that time.
I remember sitting in the bathroom thinking, "God, please don't let me die. Don't let me die here, alone, in my mother's house. Please don't let her walk in on me like this."
That was THE day I decided it was time to stop.
I did relapse. I don't often admit that either, sometimes it feels like my getting sober was a miracle that just kind of happened. I don't remember how long it took me, but I remember I relapsed on two different occasions.. but after that I was done and never looked back.
I avoided situations where my DOC may have been present like I was avoiding the plague. I pretty much went into hermit mode. I lost nearly all of my "friends", and kept the few who hadn't black listed me due to my choice to live rather than slowly murder myself with drugs and alcohol... those people are still my friends 'til this day.. and some of the others, well.. they took the clean path also and now I socialize with them also.
It is possible though. You obviously want it, and are having a tough time of it.
I suggest you do seek therapy and/or some meetings.
Just remember, don't try to take one giant leap, it hardly ever works that way.
Take baby steps, on day at a time.. Maybe have a mantra you repeat to yourself daily, or when you feel the urge to drink.
I wish you all the best.
Hope to see more posts from you.
Take care of yourself.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Are you going to AA meetings? Those steps may help you.
I was so broken a year ago....today, I am feeling put together. Each day a tiny piece of me seems to fit more than the day before.
I wish you well in your healing! Enjoy your sober journey!
I was so broken a year ago....today, I am feeling put together. Each day a tiny piece of me seems to fit more than the day before.
I wish you well in your healing! Enjoy your sober journey!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 176
What made me stop? I'll just be real here.
Woke up one morning in a puddle of my own urine, bed now wreaking from a 3 day bender. Drove to work, somehow, seemingly ok. Got to my office and had to rush to the bathroom and throw up. Used my lunch break to buy some liquor to hide and push away the withdrawals and sickness. Needless to say I lost control and went home, passed out, no call/no show. Woke up and thought...
You know what, at this point, it's just easier to be sober than continue living like this. That and the thought of killing someone else with my idiotic behavior were the two things that made me quit.
Woke up one morning in a puddle of my own urine, bed now wreaking from a 3 day bender. Drove to work, somehow, seemingly ok. Got to my office and had to rush to the bathroom and throw up. Used my lunch break to buy some liquor to hide and push away the withdrawals and sickness. Needless to say I lost control and went home, passed out, no call/no show. Woke up and thought...
You know what, at this point, it's just easier to be sober than continue living like this. That and the thought of killing someone else with my idiotic behavior were the two things that made me quit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
Well for me , I am stopped for today , this minute and for now will take things just that way. Tomorrow isn't here and yesterday is done.
The times I have failed to stay sober are countless and any number of crappy reasons accompany the relapses but the main thing surrounding them was I was not putting my sobriety as number one priority.
My experience in meeting other alcoholics are most are bright people with a shared problem when it comes to alcohol. I consider them neither dumb nor stupid due to this problem and we are as varied as any other group of folks with the one unity around the alcohol problem.
In terms of staying stopped , I take it day by day right now as I have countless reasons and prior events to review to show why I can't have that first drink. In 30 plus years I have had any number of close calls and clear signals that my addiction can make disappear at any time with the old slippery slope internal lies I have fallen for time an again. For today I have several reasons not to pick up and if I feel them getting squeezed out , I can call someone , go to a meeting or go for a walk and play that tape to the end....its not pretty any more and hasn't been for many years.
While we can't stop everything around us and have it be still , we can create stillness within and take time to observe before we react. We don't always have to do something just because something comes up and for me , often , its best I wait and see and do nothing right away. What seems like today's tempest often becomes tomorrows teapot.
The times I have failed to stay sober are countless and any number of crappy reasons accompany the relapses but the main thing surrounding them was I was not putting my sobriety as number one priority.
My experience in meeting other alcoholics are most are bright people with a shared problem when it comes to alcohol. I consider them neither dumb nor stupid due to this problem and we are as varied as any other group of folks with the one unity around the alcohol problem.
In terms of staying stopped , I take it day by day right now as I have countless reasons and prior events to review to show why I can't have that first drink. In 30 plus years I have had any number of close calls and clear signals that my addiction can make disappear at any time with the old slippery slope internal lies I have fallen for time an again. For today I have several reasons not to pick up and if I feel them getting squeezed out , I can call someone , go to a meeting or go for a walk and play that tape to the end....its not pretty any more and hasn't been for many years.
While we can't stop everything around us and have it be still , we can create stillness within and take time to observe before we react. We don't always have to do something just because something comes up and for me , often , its best I wait and see and do nothing right away. What seems like today's tempest often becomes tomorrows teapot.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
What was it that made you finally stop?*
How many times did you fail?
No one here considers themselves stupid but in the early days of sobriety I am surly dumb!
The tricks and schemes I use to drink. One would think I could see them coming a mile away. Yet I fall for them over and over.*
I have had a really rough couple of weeks. To be honest they coincide with starting to see a therapist about some long ago issues that were never processed. Also about the same time I came to this place. It's in verbalizing the things that have held me back for so long that has made me scramble in seemingly every direction.*
I want to be still for a time. Stop everything.*
Not possible.*
So here i sit at work. At least I got here today. I have nothing to share positive. Even I don't want to hear it so why would I subject you to it.*
But I guess just the realization of It all is important. You cannot fix something if you never knew it was broken. I am very broken at the moment. But repairable.
How many times did you fail?
No one here considers themselves stupid but in the early days of sobriety I am surly dumb!
The tricks and schemes I use to drink. One would think I could see them coming a mile away. Yet I fall for them over and over.*
I have had a really rough couple of weeks. To be honest they coincide with starting to see a therapist about some long ago issues that were never processed. Also about the same time I came to this place. It's in verbalizing the things that have held me back for so long that has made me scramble in seemingly every direction.*
I want to be still for a time. Stop everything.*
Not possible.*
So here i sit at work. At least I got here today. I have nothing to share positive. Even I don't want to hear it so why would I subject you to it.*
But I guess just the realization of It all is important. You cannot fix something if you never knew it was broken. I am very broken at the moment. But repairable.
Tremendous honesty! I dig it. For a guy who lied about EVERYthing, getting honest (ok, getting a lot more honest) was liberating to me. It felt sooo much better.
A therapist (in recovery herself) woke me up to a LOT of my games, crap, alcoholism, etc etc etc. It was a wonderfully horrible experience.....at the same time some days.
And no......not stupid. You can't be stupid and be an alkie or an addict, period. Living life this f-d up takes brain power - we just need to learn to apply it in a more healthy direction.
We may not be the brainiacs we like to claim to be.......but I've NEVER met a stupid alcoholic. Sensitive.....overly so, deep thinkers, egotistical, victim-players, depressives, and a lot more.....for sure - but NOT stupid (although, we sure act like we are -- LOLOLOL).
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Bay Shore, NY
Posts: 5
What was it that made you finally stop?
I attempted to overdose as I put my last shot of heroin in my arm (after 6 others throughout the night). Woke up the next morning with the needle out of my arm, assumed I had cleaned it up in my stupor the night before, and planned on doing it all over again when I got home from a day out with my father. He thought I had some time clean (he has 12 years off of heroin) and we went to an AA convention. On the way, the family I lived with said they found a filled syringe with dope lying under my bed. My dad refused to take me into his house and had me ask around at the convention for a place to stay. I got the name of a crisis center (non-medical detox for the homeless) and stayed there for a week. They put me in a rehab, and now I have 7 months clean and sober.
So basically, God saved me from pushing that plunger down into my arm. We all have bigger reasons for being here than dragging ourselves in our own suffering until we die.
How many times did you fail?
A million. Every other week became a half-assed attempt to use Suboxone, change this, not go out here or with these people, etc, etc. It will happen when you fully accept that you're life is unmanageable while drinking/using and that there needs to be many fundamental changes in your thinking and behaviors. Anyone is capable of this, but not many put in the work to achieve it. I will pray that you do, just keep getting that pain out in therapy and get a support group within AA. It has saved my life.
I attempted to overdose as I put my last shot of heroin in my arm (after 6 others throughout the night). Woke up the next morning with the needle out of my arm, assumed I had cleaned it up in my stupor the night before, and planned on doing it all over again when I got home from a day out with my father. He thought I had some time clean (he has 12 years off of heroin) and we went to an AA convention. On the way, the family I lived with said they found a filled syringe with dope lying under my bed. My dad refused to take me into his house and had me ask around at the convention for a place to stay. I got the name of a crisis center (non-medical detox for the homeless) and stayed there for a week. They put me in a rehab, and now I have 7 months clean and sober.
So basically, God saved me from pushing that plunger down into my arm. We all have bigger reasons for being here than dragging ourselves in our own suffering until we die.
How many times did you fail?
A million. Every other week became a half-assed attempt to use Suboxone, change this, not go out here or with these people, etc, etc. It will happen when you fully accept that you're life is unmanageable while drinking/using and that there needs to be many fundamental changes in your thinking and behaviors. Anyone is capable of this, but not many put in the work to achieve it. I will pray that you do, just keep getting that pain out in therapy and get a support group within AA. It has saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by scoder
Anyone is capable of this, but not many put in the work to achieve it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
I know that I have to quit drinking, yet I want to drink right now to get rid of this hang over from last night! I am stuck in a cycle that is destroying my body and mind. I can hold a job and take care of my son but I feel bad all the time. Usually I do not begin drinking until after our son is in bed but not to say I haven't come home from school or work and took a shot, drank a beer, or drank a glass of wine. I have been drinking heavily for the past 5 years. My husband drinks a lot but not as much as me. My Daddy is an alcoholic. My Mama is an alcoholic. My aunts and uncles are some kind of addicts of either drugs or alcohol. Alcohol has been my enemy even before I started drinking it. I quit smoking marijuana 5 years ago and took up alcohol because it was legal and quite honestly, alcohol makes me feel worse than marijuana ever did. I also have no preference in my drink choice as long as it will get me "there". My husband says I don't know my limit and continue into blackout stage where I do not remember anything the next day. I also have begun to have chest pains and it was diagnosed as anxiety but I am scared because of heart related deaths in my family from people relatively young. I am embarrassed by this activity in my life and I go to long lengths to hide this problem to most everybody but my husband. I am very depressed and eventually this drug is going to kill me if I do not stop. In the past 5 years, I may have not drank a total of 2 months if you put all my sober days together. Is it possible to do this? I have so many things holding me back, like mental issues, past trauma, shaky marriage..it almost seems easier to just drink it all away.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
What was it that made you stop?
Having a gun put to my head, for stealing drugs, while my baby lay in her crib in the next room.
How many times did you fail?
Too many to count. It took me 3 years to finally get it. You know why it didn't work? Because in the back of my mind I thought I could control it. I had to completely surrender and get honest with myself.
You can do this. Go to meetings, work the steps, and be honest!!
Having a gun put to my head, for stealing drugs, while my baby lay in her crib in the next room.
How many times did you fail?
Too many to count. It took me 3 years to finally get it. You know why it didn't work? Because in the back of my mind I thought I could control it. I had to completely surrender and get honest with myself.
You can do this. Go to meetings, work the steps, and be honest!!
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Originally Posted by Brandi777
I know that I have to quit drinking, yet I want to drink right now to get rid of this hang over from last night! I am stuck in a cycle that is destroying my body and mind. I can hold a job and take care of my son but I feel bad all the time. Usually I do not begin drinking until after our son is in bed but not to say I haven't come home from school or work and took a shot, drank a beer, or drank a glass of wine. I have been drinking heavily for the past 5 years. My husband drinks a lot but not as much as me. My Daddy is an alcoholic. My Mama is an alcoholic. My aunts and uncles are some kind of addicts of either drugs or alcohol. Alcohol has been my enemy even before I started drinking it. I quit smoking marijuana 5 years ago and took up alcohol because it was legal and quite honestly, alcohol makes me feel worse than marijuana ever did. I also have no preference in my drink choice as long as it will get me "there". My husband says I don't know my limit and continue into blackout stage where I do not remember anything the next day. I also have begun to have chest pains and it was diagnosed as anxiety but I am scared because of heart related deaths in my family from people relatively young. I am embarrassed by this activity in my life and I go to long lengths to hide this problem to most everybody but my husband. I am very depressed and eventually this drug is going to kill me if I do not stop. In the past 5 years, I may have not drank a total of 2 months if you put all my sober days together. Is it possible to do this? I have so many things holding me back, like mental issues, past trauma, shaky marriage..it almost seems easier to just drink it all away.
Is rehab an option for you? What about attending AA?
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Welcome to SR brandy... Your first post is honest. That's a great start.
Keep coming here and sharing. I am so new that advice is best left to others but I can tell you that sobriety is possible. In fact it may ease the other issues so you can handle them.
I suggest you repost this in its own thread so you can get others thoughts.
Again... Welcome.
Ken
Keep coming here and sharing. I am so new that advice is best left to others but I can tell you that sobriety is possible. In fact it may ease the other issues so you can handle them.
I suggest you repost this in its own thread so you can get others thoughts.
Again... Welcome.
Ken
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey Weasel,
Yeah, it would be so nice for the world to stop for a while. I'm rather drained at the moment and I seem to have a constant 'nearly headache'.
But we can both do it Weasel.
Hang in there - we're being repaired as we speak.
Yeah, it would be so nice for the world to stop for a while. I'm rather drained at the moment and I seem to have a constant 'nearly headache'.
But we can both do it Weasel.
Hang in there - we're being repaired as we speak.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Brandi777
Is it possible to do this? I have so many things holding me back, like mental issues, past trauma, shaky marriage..it almost seems easier to just drink it all away.
AA turns 77 years old next month. There's a reason it's been around that long - it works - PERIOD. In the book that describes alcoholism and how to recover from it, there's a section that's read at most meetings around the country to start things off - and it speaks directly to your question:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Virtually EVERY word in that quote is important and vital......but beyond the scope of a Newcomer's thread post - especially one I'm derailing. LOL
If you (or anyone) wants to continue this, hit me up or post in the 12-step area.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
Stop, fail and start again. The only true failure is to quit and to never start again.
I see the positive in your post Ken. You are gaining new insights, which can lead to new perspectives and finally new courses of action to follow.
I see the positive in your post Ken. You are gaining new insights, which can lead to new perspectives and finally new courses of action to follow.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thanks zen cat and everyone who posted. I hope I am gaining new perspectives.
I have my eyes wide open afraid to even blink I do not want to miss anything.
Recovery is like running with scissors. It can be dangerous if you fall. How's that for perspective? LOL
I have my eyes wide open afraid to even blink I do not want to miss anything.
Recovery is like running with scissors. It can be dangerous if you fall. How's that for perspective? LOL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
what made me stop is desperation. what has kept me stopped is changing me, through the program and fellowship of AA.
i cant really i ever failed because i never stopped long enough to say i stopped.
i cant really i ever failed because i never stopped long enough to say i stopped.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
You can never lose if you don't stop trying. Ken.
Yeah it's scary and a little rough without our main coping mechanism, alcohol - but I think the fear of that is greater than anything else.
When I committed myself to just dealing with stuff, sober, I found I was a lot more capable and a lot more resilient than I convinced myself was over 20 years of drinking.
You can read my story in the Stories of Recovery forum.
I did it...I know you can do this too, Ken
welcome Brandi - my comments to Ken can apply to you too - it may seem easier, but it's not. I never solved any problem by drinking - in fact I made most things worse.
If you don't solve a problem, or deal with it in a healthy way, it comes back...again and again... and before you know it...you're in that rut of a cycle we all know so well.
Support is vital of course - but you'll find a lot of that here
D
Yeah it's scary and a little rough without our main coping mechanism, alcohol - but I think the fear of that is greater than anything else.
When I committed myself to just dealing with stuff, sober, I found I was a lot more capable and a lot more resilient than I convinced myself was over 20 years of drinking.
You can read my story in the Stories of Recovery forum.
I did it...I know you can do this too, Ken
Originally Posted by Brandi777
I have so many things holding me back, like mental issues, past trauma, shaky marriage..it almost seems easier to just drink it all away.
If you don't solve a problem, or deal with it in a healthy way, it comes back...again and again... and before you know it...you're in that rut of a cycle we all know so well.
Support is vital of course - but you'll find a lot of that here
D
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