mwstylee

I'm not sure what to make of this or what to do about it right now. I thought I'd just post my thoughts here. I've become seriously addicted to stopping and starting.

I really like the "pink cloud" effect the first couple weeks bring when I quit. Colors are more vibrant, mornings are more pleasant, food tastes great, dreams can be remembered, I'm in a great sober mood. Then it starts fading away - well, not fading but I start getting a little used to feeling normal/sober and I want the pink cloud effect back again. I then go on a bender for a while, then quit again. Ta-da, everything's great again. Repeat.

This is not to say I feel bad/depressed/negative after a while of sobriety. I can honestly say I don't really have any family, work, social, or financial worries.

Dee74

I think we can rationalise anything mwstylee - and, if I might say so, thats a real beauty

Read your old posts - remind yourself exactly what your drinking is doing to you.

You can rationalise it's the pink cloud you're addicted too but IMO it's the same problem we all have I think - trying to live without alcohol.

It's hard to see the benefits of sobriety when you're routinely baulking at the first hurdle...

giving up is hard, but maintaining sobriety is actually the hardest bit - besides SR, what have you done in the way of support to help you get to that second level and stay sober, mws?

D

doggonecarl

Keep it up and one day you won't be able to quit. Repeated relapses just make the withdrawals harder and harder. It's called kindling. Look it up. Then there won't be any more "pink clouds" just the black clouds of chronic alcoholism.

Also, relapse is part of addiction. So you aren't addicted to relapsing. You are just addicted.

mwstylee

I can see what yall are saying. If there are any RR'ers out there - is this some AV stuff going on here?

eJoshua

I went through a period of riding on that merry-go-round. I ended up almost going crazy. Do yourself a favor and sober up for good -- the real benefits of sobriety don't necessarily manifest themselves within the first few weeks or months.

choublak

Somehow, I don't think it's the relapsing you're addicted to...

Purplecatlover

I believe that is pure AV. Any idea, notion, thought of drinking is AV.
It will try to justify anything to get you to keep feeding It.
It's reasons are endless.

soberlicious

Some? no.
It's pure AV.

artsoul

Yikes.......Kinda sounds like wanting to take a hammer to your big toe because it feels so good when you stop! I don't know..... maybe you're getting stuck at the boredom phase, or just trying to find a way to explain to yourself why you keep going back to drinking(?).

I do think it takes a while to find the positives in life again. I didn't even know how to be content or feel good about myself - I let alcohol do it for me. Once I quit and got passed doing battle with the mental cravings, though, I was amazed at the new ideas and insights that came to me and how much I started enjoying life. Maybe you're not giving sobriety enough time.......

I just hate to see you keep going back - we can only push our luck so far, you know?

OCDDan

I thought those first two weeks kinda suck, espectially week two, but everyones different, best of luck to you MW.

ACT10Npack

mwstylee, I can understand that feeling but I don't think your addicted to stop and start with drinking. Have you ever thought about your just get bored on the so call normal life and you want to put some excitement to it which in turn I drinking does that for you?

If so then try to some new things that does not involve with alcohol and keep yourself busy.

DisplacedGRITS

How about trying AA and getting a sponsor so when that pink cloud fades you have a support group to go to to recharge your sobriety batteries. There's a reason AA celebrates milestone birthdays. At those markers, we're prone to relapse and we need that reminder of why we're staying sober.

Do you really want sobriety? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Think long and hard about those questions. Don't answer them in a hurry. If the answer is yes, then develop a real plan on how you're going to interrupt the cycle you've identified instead of just giving into it. Even if the plan scares you and makes you uncomfortable, if it changes your habits for the better then go for it.

michelle01

From a former serial relapser, I agree with the posts above, it's easy to get into a habit of binge drinking with periods of abstinence in between. It is in fact very dangerous and after awhile of this, it began to dawn on me it wasn't worth it and I didn't like the ups and downs that went with it anymore, mentally and emotionally it was destabilizing for me.

I also experienced a few pink clouds and it's unrealistic to expect them to last forever, but I gradually got to a place where I felt comfortable, no longer in a pink cloud or a funk, but maybe the 'serenity' they talk about in AA rather than the fluffy pink cloud sensation. Pink clouds can often precede a relapse because people begin to let down their guard with the addiction.

Brae

Most alcoholics like me will do pretty much anything to change the way we feel. This sounds very familiar in that regard. There are other ways to change the way that you feel that wont eventually kill you. There are other options, just so you know.

Ingrid37

Read your old posts - remind yourself exactly what your drinking is doing to you.

Sapling

I've heard a lot of crazy crap on this site...But this is top 10 material. If you removed one part of this cycle you are on..You could probably enjoy that feeling for a long time. Try hanging around with some people that have been sober for years...It might grow on you.

totfit

In spite of what the others say, I understand the feeling of being addicted to "coming back" and the process of some sort of rebirth. Makes perfect sense to me, though of course it really makes no sense. We could always die, before we crawl back out of the hole and see the sun again.

Sapling

I don't know if this is a good thing...Or a bad thing.

Adalie

I don't think you are addicted to relapsing, I think you are making an excuse to go back to using. It is easy to justify using if you tell yourself you only do it so that sober life "is better".

Sapling

It's called not being done yet...Adalie