sark

On Tuesday I got out of detox, today will be 11 days for me. Physically i am feeling better but mentally I am not in a good place. My emotions are everywhere. I do have supportive friends and have gone to meetings but I still feel like crap. I see my reality as it is and that is what is killing me. I want to drink so bad just to relax but I know that one will turn into two and so on. At times I feel like I just want to die instead of feeling the way I do. I dont know if this is normal cause my body is so out of wack or what but it is an awful feeling. The urge to pick up is so strong but i have not. I dont know how to get out of this, I am hoping it passes.

DisplacedGRITS

What are you doing besides stewing in your own juices? Posting here is good. Read a book. Draw, color, journal, try to learn to juggle, do a puzzle...occupy your mind for a while to give that addictive thinking cycle a break. Get out of your own mind. Now is the time to start finding things to fill that time you used to fill with drinking. That time doesn't just go away. You have to do something with it. An unoccupied mind is a dangerous thing in the early stages of recovery.

Dee74

Early recovery is not easy - but there's a lot of support here - a lot of support out there in the real world too - maybe thats what you need sark?

Here's some links to some of the main recovery players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.

If you stay committed to not drinking you will move forward sark - but none of us can predict what might happen if you turn around and go backwards...don't do a U turn...you can do this

D

sark

Some of my friends have been trying to keep me busy. It does help some what. I have tried occuping myself but my mind tends to wonder off no matter what I am doing.
I have alot of anger right now cause i am disgusted in the way my life has turned out. I have had drinking issues for a long time. Except now I am dealing with my sobriety as a widow with two kids. It hurts that my husband is not here to help me through this. I have been dealing with the pain of him passing and now I am having to deal with the loss of the only thing that helped (alchohol). I know that the comforting affect of alchohol is a lie and it does not help in the long run but it still hurts to lose that too.

Dee74

Did you ever pursue counselling Sark? that may help as well?

D

DisplacedGRITS

I agree about the counselling. You really need someone to talk to with all of those issues. Keeping that inside...it's only going to fester. No wonder you'd want to drink. Take advantage of all the help around you. Wallowing in your own anger, grief and self pity will only end in more pain and eventually drinking. Keep reaching out. The hand of recovery is always there reaching back.

awuh1

Lots of folks self-medicate with alcohol for depression. It works for a while. Then it doesn’t. Fortunately there are lots of other things that work. You have a lot to deal with, not the least of which is your grief, so you’ll need all the help you can get. Mental health professionals are out there, with lots of tools in their tool boxes.

Somehow though, I think the thing that will help you the most is total commitment to working the 12 steps. And I mean total. I'm not even sure why I think that. Call it a hunch.

BTW IMO your life has not “turned out”, you have just come to a fork in the road.

foodie1

Sorry to hear you're in a bad place right now sark. Talking with supportive friends is great, and you've also done well by coming here and posting instead of picking up. Everyone's different of course, but for me, some of my demons are very deep-rooted and AA is just not enough to work through them (although it's still an integral part of my recovery). A counselor might be very helpful to you, it can't hurt, right?

sark

I am going for my intake appoinment today for out patient so I might ask about the couenseling. My issue with counseling is money cause I dont have insurance and dont qualify for medicaid. I do plan on doing the steps but I need to find a sponsor. I guess my mess is what get for trying to avoid dealing with it in the beginning. I am finding that it is so true when people told me that I will have to deal with things one way or another it wont go away and alchohol only makes it worse. Its there when you sober up. Why do are brains try to tell us diffrent, its like I thought that it would disappear but was I wrong.

Sapling

The only way I could get it to disappear...Have the obsession lifted....Was working the steps...What a miracle that is....It's worth the effort.

hypochondriac

Do anything but drink Sark...especially sticking around SR. Reality is a ****** sometimes but sobriety is going to make it better x *hugs* xx

Purplecatlover

Grieving is the body's natural way to respond to loss. You have to go through it, to overcome it. To really heal
Yet, we don't want to feel the pain so we run away, avoid it, ignore it, poor booze on it, only to realize we're festering, infected & still in pain.
I can't imagine the pain you're in but you can get through it.

I'm praying for you. That you will find peace. That your heart will heal.

jwaco

keep doing what you're doing. reach out to your supports make phone calls and pray! Even if you believe no one is listening

sugarbear1

Maybe try AA? At least you can speak with others who know what you are going through!

Hugs,

Dee74

good luck with your appointment today sark - I hope maybe they can point you in the right direction of other help too

sark

So I went to my appointmentand she pointed out what I already knew. She saw my history of relapsing and said that I will continue to relaps unless i deal with the root cause of drinking. So I guess she said that before I can deal with the addiction I need to take care of rooted issues first. I dont know how this is going to work out. I just hope in the mean time I dont go back. Today is 12 days but i am hanging on by a string. This stinks so bad and my poor kids are caught in the middle of it.

Maiasaura

Hang in there, sark, I echo what all the others have said. Find meetings you can get to, stay in here, oh, and guess what...all your feelings are TOTALLY NORMAL for you to be having. It's not at all fun in the beginning, but there are enough of us with some time of sobriety that have been through it, that will tell you, if you keep at it, don't give up, you WILL get the prizes and serenity and happy-joyous-free that comes with the Promises (in AA's "Big Book" after step 9).

I promise. I had wild mood swings for 9 months in early sobriety! Your kids will one day thank you for doing this. If they are old enough to go to Alateen maybe they should try that (for kids of alkies).

(((hugs)))

awuh1

[QUOTE=sark;3374400] So I guess she said that before I can deal with the addiction I need to take care of rooted issues first. [QUOTE]

I wonder about this interpretation of what she said. IMO you need to deal with both now. At the same time. If you drink you cannot realistically deal with the loss and if you don’t allow yourself to grieve you will drink. Get back in the program, and do it. If you do, I believe things will get better….slowly, and they will keep getting better. But you got to do it. You got to take that action, IMO that is.

Maiasaura

In my experience...alcohol IS the root cause. Nix that, and all the other problems start to resolve. I promise. I mean it. Not in a day or a week, or even the first year, but they resolve. You have to learn how to not drink, a day at a time, first. The emotions, yes, they will be there. Meetings are good because you aren't alone with it all. There are people there who will hug you if you need it, and they don't even know you

mishto

i find that strenuous things help...i work in the yard...i used to hate that kind of thing...now the tiredness that brings is exhilirating....if you work hard enough you will be tired to think of alcohol....and counseling...and coming here will help...good luck