wondering30

Hey, all. This is my first time to this forum ... and I'm hoping to get some advice.

For the past 4 months I've been casually dating a guy. We would go out a couple times, then he'd pull away and we'd just say a friendly "hello" to each for the next few weeks (we work together). Then he'd come around again, we'd hang out a time or two, he'd pull away, we wouldn't talk much for a few weeks, rinse repeat. Now, while this was happening over the past few months, I knew something was going on--it wasn't the standard case of him just not being interested in me--I could tell he still liked me, but for whatever reason, he kept pulling away.

A couple of days ago he pulled me aside to apologize for how he's acted and he told me that he realized that he drinks too much and he took himself to AA. He's been about 10 times in the past 2-3 weeks. He definitely falls in the high-functioning alcoholic category, so I was a bit surprised, but now, looking back, I can see it. And it certainly tells me why he was so off and on with our dating before. He said he's ready to grow up, be happy, get married, and start a family.

Anyway, this has obviously opened up a line of communication for us, which is great. And I can tell that we're both a bit more attached/closer because of this conversation. I admire him for owning up to his problem and going to AA. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders about it. Here's what I want to know: am I crazy for considering dating someone who is just getting started on recovery? Am I in for a hard, hard road? Should I run?

inpieces314

Personally, knowing what I know now, I don't think I will ever get in a relationship with an addict again.

That said, I would have no problem being in a relationship with this guy (if I were you) but I would take it very very slow. His recovery needs to come first, before you, and it's sometimes a hard thing to take.

It may be a good idea to decide to date after a certain period of sobriety, whatever you two decide together. And then, he has something to look forward too, as well.

AlcoholicLove

If he is truly going to AA, they will tell him not to enter a new relationship until he has 1 year of sobriety. His recovery must be the most important thing in his life.

I will never get into another relationship with an alcoholic-recovering or not.
To answer your last 3 questions:
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes

dollydo

IMHO, now is not the time to get involved. He needs to concentrate on his recovery.

This is a progressive disease that there is no cure for. It is only a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong program or not. Relapses are common, even after many years.

If he continues to work a strong recovery program and stay sober for at least 6 months, you may consider dating on a regular basis, I would be very cautious.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those in the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of information at your fingertips.

wondering30

Can you guys expand on why you'd never be in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic? I've really never experienced any of this, and I'm trying to understand. I'm curious to know the details of what makes it so difficult.

Lilmssunshine

I think you guys should remain friends for a while. Then consider being together after a certain time frame. Its a good idea at this time to spend ALOT of time on yourself. Perhaps talking on the phone regularly and spend time together every other week will help you focus on yourself and him on himself. He will be pretty selfish at this time. Which is a good thing. So your gonna need to be selfish as well. He will need you to focus on yourself in order to be supportive of him. Being friends first is a good foundation for a healthy relationship anyway. Best of luck

Tuffgirl

Why would you want to? I mean, aren't there like 3 billion men on this planet?

P.S. it is highly recommended not dating in early recovery, and there is a darn good reason for it.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to offer support.

Some of my favorite reading is at the top of this main page for Friends and Family of Alcoholics. There are some of our stories and tons of wisdom in those posts.

You asked about some of our experiences with alcoholics. There happens to be a post at the top that has our sharing what we learned about life by living with alcoholism that normies (people who don't live with addiction) would never understand or believe. Maybe this will explain why some members would not ever choose to get involved again with an addict, as this is what our lives were like:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...es-me-cry.html

Lilmssunshine

Look at it this way. Im recovering and on day 12. I am moody, depressed, annoyed easily, want to be alone and am anxious. I havent slept very well because I get bad dreams, so im grouchy. Im self centered and cant give my all to a man right now. I dont have it in me to deal with a man's problems. I get pretty annoyed when anyone brings their drama to me during this time because I have bigger fish to fry. I am relearning to deal with emotions again. Im dealing with grief that I ignored through alcohol. And I crave alcohol sometimes which makes me irritable because I should not be drinking it. Do you want to be with someone who can give you their all? I think you deserve someone who isnt self centered.

This is why you dont want to deal with a person going through recovery. If he relapses you will become codependent which is unhealthy emotionally for you. If he relapses and your already in over your head at the time of the relapse you may already have a child with him. Alcoholics bring all kinds of ugly things with them. Verbal abuse, confusion, possible cheating, etc. Not something to get into if your not certain if he can be sober.

Just be careful hun.

wondering30

Well, obviously I want to date him for reasons that anyone wants to date anyone--because of who he is. We are compatible, I like his character, his personality, his looks, we're compatible spiritually. I don't date often and rarely come across someone I actually want to date. I haven't had a relationship in 3.5 years because of this...plenty of first dates, but this is the first person in 3.5 years that I'm actually interested in. This whole situation, obviously, throws a major wrench in it, and I'm just trying to figure out if it's all worth it.

Lilmssunshine

I understand you really like this guy. Im in love with an alcoholic right now too. And at first I thought it would be okay. But things got worse! He has SUCH a good heart but the addiction hides it sometimes. Which confuses me. Both of us brought drama because of our alcohol problems. I finally got sick of it and decided to go no contact with him so I can get my stuff together. I hope he gets his stuff together but im not sure if he is. Though I know he has so much integrity, drive and will, who knows if the addiction is stronger. If I could do it again, I wouldnt have crossed the line of friends to lovers. Save yourself the heartache.

Lilmssunshine

That doesnt mean you cant be in love with someone or like him when he was sober. You cant help how you feel.

Spes

I think you will listen to what everyone has to say and do what your heart tells you to do. I was in your place many years ago and followed my heart. If I had to do it over again knowing what I know now, I would make the same decision. She is my best friend, I love her with all my heart, and I will stay with her till the end.

And that is what you need to think through. What happens if he fails in his recovery? Even if he manages not to be abusive to you and your children, watching him die before your eyes will be difficult. Read as much as you can, listen to the wonderful people here, and think all the possibilities through.

LoveAllGone

I have to agree with what mostly everyone said here and just stay away but in the event that you do engage with this alcoholic...don't over engage. Keep your wits about you and always remember that actions speak much louder than words. He needs to focus on "himself" and you don't need to lose "yourself" trying to help him find "himself"...it gets really messy and confusing. I'm a recovering codie and I spent the last decade of my life trying to "fix" my marriage because of the fantasy that we could be happy together if he would just get SOBER! It's not up to me...I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it! Let's just say that if I could go back 10 yrs...I would have ran for my life! (I can't say that in complete honesty because I did get my son out of the deal and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and my biggest strength in leaving)

TigerLili

An alcholics most important relationship is with alcohol, then with themselves. Romantic partners come way down the list. In a year or two, this guy might have worked through some issues and be suitable for dating, but I can only echo what others ahve said and stay away for now.

His relationship with alcohol is still the most important thing in his life, even if he's in recovery. To have the best chance to get sober, he needs to focus on himself.

For you to have a good, happy relationship, you need someone who can focus on you and what makes you happy. An alcoholic/addict in early recovery (or sometimes in any stage of recovery) can't do that. Their brains are wired differently.

If you really want to pursue a relationship with this guy (and I can guarantee he WILL break your heart and it's a strong possibility that he will relapse) I suggest going regularly to Alanon meetings - they are 12 Step meetings for the friends and family of alcoholics. Tell them your story and ask for advice.

BuffaloGal

Well... having had an alcoholic partner with whom I was compatible in many important ways... for me, the bigger problem was not his drinking (or porn, his other addiction) but my reaction to it. Addiction takes energy and attention that then becomes unavailable for one's partner-- I suppose recovery is much the same, that way. But that wasn't what ended our marriage.

His addictions, his weaknesses, and his issues, were not about me. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough or our life wasn't good enough, and I responded as if that's what was going on. I took his problems way too much to heart. I was needlessly hurt by all this stuff that was no more personal than a thunderstorm. That doesn't mean that our marriage would have worked, but I wouldn't go back and undo our relationship even if I could.

I have a friend with a drinking problem, to whom I've been attracted to some degree for a couple of years now. I wouldn't rule out dating him. I trust that I know how to take care of myself-- I know what is me and what isn't. I'm not angry at myself for liking him, he's worth liking, and If I have a relationship with him or anyone it's going to be a hard road anyway and may end with me running. Or them. I don't want to rule out something that might good for the sake of protecting myself from what might not be good. I can deal with "not good" if it arrives, I don't need to borrow it.

SearchSerenity

"There's nothing worse than loving someone that will never stop disappointing you."

This is ultimately your decision, however, I won't ever become involved with someone with an addiction problem. I deserve to be happy.

brownhorse

You are choosing to live a life most of us are scared and lost from. I would give anything but my children to be that girl before I started this life with an alcoholic again. Anything to be you and have someone tell me run. Stay a normal person. Do not choose this. If he is going to become someone that will change. He will. And then, after the what if's. You can be with him. But wait. Try to find someone else and let god will what should happen.

FenwayFaithful

I wouldn't do it. I made the decision to trust an addict. To be fair mine also had a record but...addiction and recovery is a very selfish time. I was just completely blind sided when after a year of being clean and sober, my boyfriend was arrested. As of right now I am shattered. Everyone warned me this would happen. I truly believed it would not. I gave him my heart and now despite everything I am having a hard time walking away. I'd get out of this now before you're in too deep. He needs to focus on him if he wants to get better. If your hearts not in it yet, I wouldn't let it get involved. Cos chances are you will end up with pain.

Eight Ball

Hi Wondering30

I am currently living with my RAH of 24yrs who has been sober for about nine months (after a spell of separation). I stay, because he is working very hard at staying sober, I stay because he is sober, loving, responsible, kind, thoughtful, funny and we enjoy spending time together etc and I stay because we have been together for 30 yrs, married 24yrs and have two daughters, we have a history and bond.

I will never live with an active alcoholic again and if my husband relapses without quickly seeking help and stopping again, then I will be done. If he continued to relapse, then I would be done. I would never knowingly date an alcoholic again, in recovery or not, not with what I know now.

You say this man you have been dating on and off for four months:

has taken you out, then pulled away, then comes around again, then pulls away (several times) then appologises for how he has been acting. You were surprised by his confesion but now looking back you can see that he wasnt acting right somewhere along the line. This man is currently not grown up or happy, but wants to be and after four months of an 'in or out' relationship, you now have a line of communication between you.

This doesnt even sound like a firm basis for a relationship.

The best description of my marriage to an alcoholic was a 'roller coaster' - when it was good, it was good and when it was bad, its was really bad.

That is my experience, take what you like and leave the rest.