wondering30

Yes, you're right. I do understand they are for me--I think I worded myself wrong. I guess I am just unsure of what to do when a boundary is broken. Obviously my boundary is not accepting the silent treatment, but how do I respond once the silent treatment is ended? I know he will contact me eventually, but I am unsure of my response. Do I give him the silent treatment back? Do I state it was unacceptable and let him know I'm not willing to talk anymore? The article I posted earlier suggests to not cut off contact without explanation, and so this is why I am trying to figure out what to do. I could delete his number, block his number, etc. like I've done in the past, but I want to approach it in a healthy manner.

wondering30

Thank you for the suggestion--I like that.

wondering30

I really can't think of anything. At that time I did not understand that I was codependent...that how I related to others and acted in relationships was unhealthy. I didn't see how I could be drawn to something like this. I didn't have an understanding of how to protect myself and my emotions.

embraced2000

should you date someone in early recovery?

no. recovery is an epic journey and has space for two entities.....the alcoholic and the brotherhood.

there is no room for any other issues. this is a fight for life....his life...his work to do.

I have been there and done that. if there is a hope for a relationship, it can still be there after a good 3 years of recovery are under his belt.

ladyscribbler

How much time do you think he spends agonizing over this relationship? You're waiting for him to stop emotionally abusing you (end the silent treatment) so that you can have an "appropriate response." That seems like a huge waste of your precious time and energy to me.
Is that article written about ending a relationship with an abusive alcoholic or a normal person? Because things that apply in normal relationships are not really relevant when one is involved with an active alcoholic. As long as you're holding onto the other end of that rope, agonizing over how to respond to unacceptable behavior he will have leverage to continue his manipulation.
Healthy is, let this be the end. Call him, leave a voicemail if he doesn't answer and say- this isn't working for me anymore, see ya later forever. No need for some big drawn out energy sucking explanation. He won't get it anyway. Leave him to his booze- I bet he never ignores the bottle the way he's ignoring you. Get on with your life. Get healthy. Keep reading. Go to Alanon.

embraced2000

just now realized this is an old thread, with an update tagged onto the end.

wondering.....I think you have most of the knowledge needed by now after two years of experience to make a sound decision.

al-anon.

Thumper

If your boundary is that you do not accept being ignored than you do not stay in a relationship with people that ignore you.

One idea - You can just let him go off into the sunset and if he contacts you, you can wish him well and let him know you are going your own way, without him. If you personally need some kind of different closure then call him, or write him since he is MIA, wish him well and let him know you are moving on alone.

Then you ignore him. That isn't the silent treatment. That is moving on. You are not at his mercy of when to talk and for how long.

You don't need to give any further explanation other than the relationship is not working for you. He will probably grill you for more (and then argue every point) but that will not give either of you any peace of mind so I personally just wouldn't go there.

fedup3

wondering, glad you came back but sorry for what brings you back.

Al Anon is a great place to start, read as much as you can here and books that are mentioned. You know the weekend is coming up in a few days, why not make lots of plans with friends to have fun and concentrate on you? How about a bubble bath, a funny movie, take him off of the revolving world around you.

Croissant

Thanks for the tip!

Wondering...wow. Well, I was just about to post my response to your original question and saw Embraced note that it's an old thread. But I'll still post what I was going to post....which I believe is still relevant.

1. He's hot and cold. Alcoholic or not, anyone who does that over a period of 4 months is not worth your time. If it's not working within the first 3 months (when everyone is supposed to be in courtship mode and their best behaviour), then what is his worst behaviour going to look like when the newness wears off?

2. 10 meetings in the first 2-3 weeks...says he's in early recovery and should know that new relationships are off the table for a year, generally. If he's not taking that part seriously and involving you in this turbulent time, he's already disrespected both you and his recovery. If he's doing both so early....well, refer to point 1.

So, that's my response to your original post. I am sorry you were kind hearted enough to let this man in your life. I do believe that not all alcoholics are cold, selfish, or likely to rip your heart out, but only if they've taken giant leaps in recovery. But that is another thread.

Unfortunately, what has happened now is you've invested 2 years worth of memories...some good I'm guessing, but you know....you talk about the silent treatment he's giving you....

Walk away. Just walk away. If he's still in the grip of the disease, the manipulation, the bargaining, the Jekyll and Hyde....you don't need it. Get out while you can still heal. You never, ever, have to apologise to anyone for owning your own life and moving on. 2 years is more than enough time.

(As a background, I was a non-drinker til my early 30s...have been sucked into a relationship like yours briefly. I am now an alcoholic - sober....but this guy sounds like he's not anywhere near able to give you anything)

Best wishes.

fairlyuncertain

Don't confuse being nice with being healthy. If you don't want to talk to him again, don't. If he calls you and you feel you owe him an explanation (although you don't!), a text or a letter would prob. suffice. Good luck to you!

LadyinBC

Being an alcoholic myself I am all about keeping things simple.

The only explanation he needs from you is "I deserve better". Delete #, block #, then be done with him.

The ride ends when you say it ends. You have the power.