Considering dating someone in early recovery
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
I guess here is how I look at this -
In the beginning when we meet someone we aren't attached. We can much more easily look for clues as to whether we are compatible. A lot of us were uneducated, had our own issues, didn't see the signs and got highly involved with this particular issue, someone who is addicted.
I would say - it's those choices at the very beginning that we can much more easily make than after we're deeply involved. There is no reason to run into a relationship with someone who has all kinds of issues that we may not want to deal with. Work-aholics, anger issues, addictions, players . . . and on it goes.
Warning signs are usually right up front - so heed them.
There is just simply no reason to dive into a new relationship when serious warning signals are flashing for any reason or any personality issue that could cause harm to our life. (But we're known to do that all the time . . . . go figure!)
A lot of times WE need to work on ourselves to even understand the poor choices we've made in the past, why we made them and how to change ourselves to make better ones.
In that process we also need to learn to forgive ourselves for our own deep issues and choices that weren't in our best interests. When we know better - we do better.
In the beginning when we meet someone we aren't attached. We can much more easily look for clues as to whether we are compatible. A lot of us were uneducated, had our own issues, didn't see the signs and got highly involved with this particular issue, someone who is addicted.
I would say - it's those choices at the very beginning that we can much more easily make than after we're deeply involved. There is no reason to run into a relationship with someone who has all kinds of issues that we may not want to deal with. Work-aholics, anger issues, addictions, players . . . and on it goes.
Warning signs are usually right up front - so heed them.
There is just simply no reason to dive into a new relationship when serious warning signals are flashing for any reason or any personality issue that could cause harm to our life. (But we're known to do that all the time . . . . go figure!)
A lot of times WE need to work on ourselves to even understand the poor choices we've made in the past, why we made them and how to change ourselves to make better ones.
In that process we also need to learn to forgive ourselves for our own deep issues and choices that weren't in our best interests. When we know better - we do better.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Run away and let him get sober.
Originally Posted by wondering30 
Hey, all. This is my first time to this forum ... and I'm hoping to get some advice.
For the past 4 months I've been casually dating a guy. We would go out a couple times, then he'd pull away and we'd just say a friendly "hello" to each for the next few weeks (we work together). Then he'd come around again, we'd hang out a time or two, he'd pull away, we wouldn't talk much for a few weeks, rinse repeat. Now, while this was happening over the past few months, I knew something was going on--it wasn't the standard case of him just not being interested in me--I could tell he still liked me, but for whatever reason, he kept pulling away.
A couple of days ago he pulled me aside to apologize for how he's acted and he told me that he realized that he drinks too much and he took himself to AA. He's been about 10 times in the past 2-3 weeks. He definitely falls in the high-functioning alcoholic category, so I was a bit surprised, but now, looking back, I can see it. And it certainly tells me why he was so off and on with our dating before. He said he's ready to grow up, be happy, get married, and start a family.
Anyway, this has obviously opened up a line of communication for us, which is great. And I can tell that we're both a bit more attached/closer because of this conversation. I admire him for owning up to his problem and going to AA. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders about it. Here's what I want to know: am I crazy for considering dating someone who is just getting started on recovery? Am I in for a hard, hard road? Should I run?
For the past 4 months I've been casually dating a guy. We would go out a couple times, then he'd pull away and we'd just say a friendly "hello" to each for the next few weeks (we work together). Then he'd come around again, we'd hang out a time or two, he'd pull away, we wouldn't talk much for a few weeks, rinse repeat. Now, while this was happening over the past few months, I knew something was going on--it wasn't the standard case of him just not being interested in me--I could tell he still liked me, but for whatever reason, he kept pulling away.
A couple of days ago he pulled me aside to apologize for how he's acted and he told me that he realized that he drinks too much and he took himself to AA. He's been about 10 times in the past 2-3 weeks. He definitely falls in the high-functioning alcoholic category, so I was a bit surprised, but now, looking back, I can see it. And it certainly tells me why he was so off and on with our dating before. He said he's ready to grow up, be happy, get married, and start a family.
Anyway, this has obviously opened up a line of communication for us, which is great. And I can tell that we're both a bit more attached/closer because of this conversation. I admire him for owning up to his problem and going to AA. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders about it. Here's what I want to know: am I crazy for considering dating someone who is just getting started on recovery? Am I in for a hard, hard road? Should I run?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
Listen to your gut. You have doubts for a reason and it is a good reason! Read some of the posts on this sight and you will have an insight on what life can be life with an A that could relaspe at anytime.
If you were my daughter I would tell you there are too many guys out there to settle for someone whose life is going to be a constant struggle. Addicts are very selfish and self centered especially in early recovery, you're in for alot of resentment for him not putting you and your feelings in the forefront.
I know you don't think any of the bad stuff will happen to you because he is such a great guy and he's such a high functioning A, but there is a VERY likely chance he will fall down & he'll drag you down with him. It's a rollercoaster and not the fun kind!
Be VERY VERY CAUTIOUS!
If you were my daughter I would tell you there are too many guys out there to settle for someone whose life is going to be a constant struggle. Addicts are very selfish and self centered especially in early recovery, you're in for alot of resentment for him not putting you and your feelings in the forefront.
I know you don't think any of the bad stuff will happen to you because he is such a great guy and he's such a high functioning A, but there is a VERY likely chance he will fall down & he'll drag you down with him. It's a rollercoaster and not the fun kind!
Be VERY VERY CAUTIOUS!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
wondering 30:
How are you? Share with us what you're doing and learning in your own recovery. It's progress that counts, where you are at, and not perfection!
You're "Wide Awake" and observing his signs as they come, not digging them out or hunting them down?
What's your relationship like? Is he acceptable "AS IS'? People don't change too much unless there's an inside tsunami driving that change. Romantic partners are mere waves.
How are you? Share with us what you're doing and learning in your own recovery. It's progress that counts, where you are at, and not perfection!
You're "Wide Awake" and observing his signs as they come, not digging them out or hunting them down?
What's your relationship like? Is he acceptable "AS IS'? People don't change too much unless there's an inside tsunami driving that change. Romantic partners are mere waves.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I/m involved with somebody who has 35 years of continuous sobriety. They are hard enough to be in relationship with let alone a newcomer. Newcomers need to be left alone to get on their feet and get sober for acouple of yearsb before a relationship.
Just my E.S.H
P.S I/m an A in recovery too 14.5 years and relationships are still no easier.
Ngaire
Just my E.S.H
P.S I/m an A in recovery too 14.5 years and relationships are still no easier.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 21
I met my Alcoholic Fiance (AF) and dived in head first and did all the "right" things insured that he recovered. (Which of course was mistake one - only he could make himself recover) I went straight to an Al Anon meeting, where I proceeded to share that I was fresh in a relationship with an addict in rehab. It was a small meeting of three women including myself. Both women, older women in their sixties looked at me and started bawling crying telling me that they didn't wish their fate on anyone of what they had gone through with their alcoholic husbands. Of course, I knew better with my infinite wisdom at 22. So I proceeded with the relationship. A year later, I am now a double winner in both Al Anon and AA. We are both by the grace of god happily recovered alcoholics/addicts with about 30 odd days having worked all the steps. Moral of this story - I came in codependent with a predisposition for addiction and came out with a serious pain killer/cocaine/alcohol problem. Am I blaming this on my fiance? No, I took the drugs and drank. But I probably would not have progressed as rapidly in that direction had I not been exposed/met/pursued a relationship with him. So it's not just a possible codependency issue and emotional trauma you could walk out with. You could also end up needing AA meetings too. Just saying. But I also know that no one would of been able to talk me out of it either. Also consider the fact that you are asking advice from strangers on an online forum. People usually don't do that when they feel like they are 100% making sound decisions. Just food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Thanks for sharing Wondering. Truthfully, I wish I could be you right now. I wish I could go back in time to when I met my bf and ...not date him. I love him...when he's sober. I love him when he's not under the influence of anything. Right now, he's going through recovery as well. They say someone recovering is just as difficult to be around as an active alcoholic. The first month or two was great. Then he started getting his mood swings. One minute he loved me more than life itself, the next minute, he was completely neglecting me, watching me cry and not comforting me.
Recently, he relapsed so back to square one. I want to walk away and then I get that hope that if he had been sober for six months, he can do it again. I hear that recovery is part of relapse, but then I think...how many relapses can I really put up with? How many more tears can I cry?
I hope his recovery goes smoother than my bf's but if you can, try to keep your distance. Protect your heart because right now, my heart is too in love and hopeful to leave but too hurt and resentful to stay. It's a miserable place to be in...
Recently, he relapsed so back to square one. I want to walk away and then I get that hope that if he had been sober for six months, he can do it again. I hear that recovery is part of relapse, but then I think...how many relapses can I really put up with? How many more tears can I cry?
I hope his recovery goes smoother than my bf's but if you can, try to keep your distance. Protect your heart because right now, my heart is too in love and hopeful to leave but too hurt and resentful to stay. It's a miserable place to be in...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Lilmssunshine
Look at it this way. Im recovering and on day 12. I am moody, depressed, annoyed easily, want to be alone and am anxious. I havent slept very well because I get bad dreams, so im grouchy. Im self centered and cant give my all to a man right now. I dont have it in me to deal with a man's problems. I get pretty annoyed when anyone brings their drama to me during this time because I have bigger fish to fry. I am relearning to deal with emotions again. Im dealing with grief that I ignored through alcohol. And I crave alcohol sometimes which makes me irritable because I should not be drinking it. Do you want to be with someone who can give you their all? I think you deserve someone who isnt self centered.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 9
Almost exactly 2 years ago I came on this site to post this original thread and ask advice. In typical fashion, I didn't heed the advice I was given and have continued to be off and on with this guy for the last two years. More off than on, but nonetheless, it's been hanging on for that long. I just reread all your responses to me, and only now do I understand. Only after experiencing the trauma of trying to be with an alcoholic do I see all the wisdom in the advice I got. It's so interesting to me how I couldn't understand 2 years ago. It's like someone asking "How does it feel to burn your hand on the stove? How bad does it hurt?" And everyone tries to tell you how it feels, but you've never felt it and you just can't quite understand how bad it is until you experience it yourself.
I am coming off of another round of "he seems better/different this time...let's tread carefully and see..." and of course it ends up badly in the same place it always does. I have spent nearly the entire day researching codependency--something I only sort of understood before--and I feel a light has come on. It's been an emotional day reading articles and ordering books. But now I have a grasp on why I have repeatedly gone back to him over these past 2 years. I now only want to focus on myself and make myself better. I never want to enter into another codependent relationship again--whether it's with an alcoholic or not. Too much of my happiness completely depended on how he talked and responded to me at any given moment. If I didn't get a response to a text message within a few hours, I was a mess. I know, it's text-book codependent behavior. I am in the process of writing down boundaries and I'm still trying to figure out how to end the "relationship" in a healthy way per this article: mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
I would love to hear how any of you handle receiving the silent treatment (which is what I'm getting right now). What sort of consequence do you enforce? Obviously, the boundary is "I will not accept being ignored by him," but what should my response & consequence be when he eventually does respond? Do I not respond at all and just let him know I'm moving on?
I am coming off of another round of "he seems better/different this time...let's tread carefully and see..." and of course it ends up badly in the same place it always does. I have spent nearly the entire day researching codependency--something I only sort of understood before--and I feel a light has come on. It's been an emotional day reading articles and ordering books. But now I have a grasp on why I have repeatedly gone back to him over these past 2 years. I now only want to focus on myself and make myself better. I never want to enter into another codependent relationship again--whether it's with an alcoholic or not. Too much of my happiness completely depended on how he talked and responded to me at any given moment. If I didn't get a response to a text message within a few hours, I was a mess. I know, it's text-book codependent behavior. I am in the process of writing down boundaries and I'm still trying to figure out how to end the "relationship" in a healthy way per this article: mindfulconstruct.com/2010/07/09/end-a-codependent-relationship-the-healthy-way/
I would love to hear how any of you handle receiving the silent treatment (which is what I'm getting right now). What sort of consequence do you enforce? Obviously, the boundary is "I will not accept being ignored by him," but what should my response & consequence be when he eventually does respond? Do I not respond at all and just let him know I'm moving on?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Thank you for coming back. Several times people have come here asking your same question this is the first time I have seen a 2 years later response perhaps it will save the next person.
Do I not respond at all and just let him know I'm moving on?
Hmmm. Are you? Cause I don't think you are. If you were moving on you wouldn't be here asking what to do you would just move along.
Have you been to Al Anon? You need to. You need help, you will get it there.
You will get it here too. Welcome back,and I am sorry you are back. Sorry for what you have endured.
Do I not respond at all and just let him know I'm moving on?
Hmmm. Are you? Cause I don't think you are. If you were moving on you wouldn't be here asking what to do you would just move along.
Have you been to Al Anon? You need to. You need help, you will get it there.
You will get it here too. Welcome back,and I am sorry you are back. Sorry for what you have endured.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I personally used to enjoy the silent treatment. I guess it was supposed to be a punishment, but I never saw it that way. It was some of the only quiet time I got. Otherwise he was in my face trying to bait me or verbally abusing me, so the silent treatment was preferable to that.
Welcome back, and I second red's recommendation for Alanon. All this back and forth drama sounds really exhausting. Time to start taking care of you.
Welcome back, and I second red's recommendation for Alanon. All this back and forth drama sounds really exhausting. Time to start taking care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by wondering30
Well, obviously I want to date him for reasons that anyone wants to date anyone--because of who he is. We are compatible, I like his character, his personality, his looks, we're compatible spiritually. I don't date often and rarely come across someone I actually want to date. I haven't had a relationship in 3.5 years because of this...plenty of first dates, but this is the first person in 3.5 years that I'm actually interested in. This whole situation, obviously, throws a major wrench in it, and I'm just trying to figure out if it's all worth it.
Plus if it doesn't work out, then you both may have just jeopardized his sobriety.
Is it worth it? It's one year. See if the guy is serious about his recovery. let him work on himself. In early sobriety we as alcoholics also look for others ways to feel high. Relationships are one of those ways. And they prevent us from working on our real issues.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by wondering30
I would love to hear how any of you handle receiving the silent treatment (which is what I'm getting right now). What sort of consequence do you enforce? Obviously, the boundary is "I will not accept being ignored by him," but what should my response & consequence be when he eventually does respond? Do I not respond at all and just let him know I'm moving on?
Boundaries are not consequences for HIM. Boundaries are guidelines you set for yourself. Here are some of mine:
"I will not offer my friendship to people who call me names."
"I will not live with active addiction ever again."
"If I am being yelled at or treated with less respect than I think I deserve, I will leave the situation."
"I will not be The Nice One at the expense of my integrity."
"I understand that alcoholics are in the grip of their disease. They are already married. I'm just a mistress, and I won't live in hope that he'll leave his wife (the booze) for me. I deserve more."
I don't tell alcoholics my boundaries--that's an invitation for criticism and derision! No, I just try to live by them, every day, without mentioning them.
I wish you the best. Al anon is a treasure trove of support and education. Good luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wondering---I want to thank you for coming back and telling your story. There are always people coming here to ask the same question that you did about entering a relationship with a known addict.
I endorse what others are saying about continuing to work on your self--and, honoring your own welfare as your first priority.
Perhaps, think of how other people end relationships that are a jeopardy to themselves---they simply drop the hot potato. They FIND a way to do it. There are a million ways to do it...and, each person does it in the way that they choose....BUT, they DO it. The job gets done. They seem internally driven to protect themselves---a kind of self-preservation mentally.
There is a famous pop song from the 70's about "50 ways to leave your lover"...I think by the "Starlight Vocal Band".
"Drop off the key, Lee
Make a new plan, Stan
Go out the back, Jack
No need to be coy....."
LOL...it might be interesting for you to look this one up.......
Can you think of anything we could have said to you or suggested to you that you might have listened to 2yrs. ago that could have saved you this misery????
This could be very useful information for the rest of us, here....
Please stay on your journey of self-awareness....and learn everything you can, because knowledge (about the world and yourself) is power!!!!!!!
dandylion
I endorse what others are saying about continuing to work on your self--and, honoring your own welfare as your first priority.
Perhaps, think of how other people end relationships that are a jeopardy to themselves---they simply drop the hot potato. They FIND a way to do it. There are a million ways to do it...and, each person does it in the way that they choose....BUT, they DO it. The job gets done. They seem internally driven to protect themselves---a kind of self-preservation mentally.
There is a famous pop song from the 70's about "50 ways to leave your lover"...I think by the "Starlight Vocal Band".
"Drop off the key, Lee
Make a new plan, Stan
Go out the back, Jack
No need to be coy....."
LOL...it might be interesting for you to look this one up.......
Can you think of anything we could have said to you or suggested to you that you might have listened to 2yrs. ago that could have saved you this misery????
This could be very useful information for the rest of us, here....
Please stay on your journey of self-awareness....and learn everything you can, because knowledge (about the world and yourself) is power!!!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Since your second op is about boundaries and ending the relationship, I will tell you that I ended my relationship with a boundary. I will not live with active alcoholism. That simple. When the silent treatment seems like a break from all the other bs, it's past time to go.
Hammer is right about the boundaries. Still sounds like you are looking for a way to make him see how much he's hurting you. Not gonna happen. He's not capable of being a functioning member of an adult relationship.
So hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much. Unless you're up for another two years of this.
Hammer is right about the boundaries. Still sounds like you are looking for a way to make him see how much he's hurting you. Not gonna happen. He's not capable of being a functioning member of an adult relationship.
So hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much. Unless you're up for another two years of this.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
That article is suggesting closure in leaving instead of going no contact without letting them know why. That does seem smart. That doesn't mean he needs to listen. Why not write a letter? State the facts and try to keep emotion out of it. Hold on to it a few days and possibly re-write it. Send it with a card, then be on your way to a healthier life for yourself.
Also write a completely emotionally letter pouring it all out.... burn that one. Let the smoke carry those feelings away.
Also write a completely emotionally letter pouring it all out.... burn that one. Let the smoke carry those feelings away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Here is from the opposite end:
I'm a recovering alcoholic (3 months in). I've maintained a long term relationship with with a girlfriend throughout some of my worst times and now into sobriety, and I often found it puzzling why she stuck with me, but have a good idea now (partly her denial, she never really wanted to acknowledge my issues, but there is a lot more on both sides). I also think that she stayed with me because we were not living together for most of the time, she never really saw me in the totally fallen apart chaotic states that I kept to myself in isolation, and while I tried to discuss my recovery with her many times, she does not seem very interested in that either. Basically she has always idealized me from start, she has a strong tendency for that and while I tried to break it many times consciously and on purpose, not very much success. But apart from this, the way we are together (we share private activities max 2-3 times a week), it's quite pleasant and I should say, has a lot of space. I'm questioning the quality and perspective of this relationship (and our compatibility now that I'm sober) more and more though, for both of us. We discuss these things also. We'll see where it leads to in the longer run. I think we both take it in in a quite healthy way, I mean as much as possible in the context of the entire construct of both of us right now.
I'm also getting a lot of interests for "dating" from other people these days, now that I actually get out and am open to other people. While I'm also very interested in meeting new people and definitely have a goal to expand my social life (which was nearly nonexistent during the ~2 last two years of my drinking), this is not with the idea of dating. Basically, I am interested in making new friends for discussion and activities, but am quite resistant to the idea of developing anything romantic right now and probably for a while. I did meet new people about whom I feel we might be a good combo for more than just friends and it might be interesting to explore... but I just put a full stop to these "thoughts" right now. There are many ways to explore interpersonal compatibility and chemistry than dating, and I think <these are the ways to go for me here and now.
My general opinion though is that these questions are best to evaluate on an individual (and interpersonal) basis rather than universal standards or rules.
I'm a recovering alcoholic (3 months in). I've maintained a long term relationship with with a girlfriend throughout some of my worst times and now into sobriety, and I often found it puzzling why she stuck with me, but have a good idea now (partly her denial, she never really wanted to acknowledge my issues, but there is a lot more on both sides). I also think that she stayed with me because we were not living together for most of the time, she never really saw me in the totally fallen apart chaotic states that I kept to myself in isolation, and while I tried to discuss my recovery with her many times, she does not seem very interested in that either. Basically she has always idealized me from start, she has a strong tendency for that and while I tried to break it many times consciously and on purpose, not very much success. But apart from this, the way we are together (we share private activities max 2-3 times a week), it's quite pleasant and I should say, has a lot of space. I'm questioning the quality and perspective of this relationship (and our compatibility now that I'm sober) more and more though, for both of us. We discuss these things also. We'll see where it leads to in the longer run. I think we both take it in in a quite healthy way, I mean as much as possible in the context of the entire construct of both of us right now.
I'm also getting a lot of interests for "dating" from other people these days, now that I actually get out and am open to other people. While I'm also very interested in meeting new people and definitely have a goal to expand my social life (which was nearly nonexistent during the ~2 last two years of my drinking), this is not with the idea of dating. Basically, I am interested in making new friends for discussion and activities, but am quite resistant to the idea of developing anything romantic right now and probably for a while. I did meet new people about whom I feel we might be a good combo for more than just friends and it might be interesting to explore... but I just put a full stop to these "thoughts" right now. There are many ways to explore interpersonal compatibility and chemistry than dating, and I think <these are the ways to go for me here and now.
My general opinion though is that these questions are best to evaluate on an individual (and interpersonal) basis rather than universal standards or rules.
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