Polaroid

Hi there,

First time poster here. I've been lurking for a long time because I know I have a problem...

My drinking has gotten out of hand. I'm 28, didn't touch a drop of alcohol before I was 23 actually. But I eventually fell in love with it as it relieved my depression and anxiety - but of course, only for a short time. And it's just become hell in the long run. The anxiety is the core issue, which has been plaguing me for my entire adult life.

My heavy drinking has messed up my head. It's gotten to the point where my cognition feels impared. I'm getting blackouts and have developed a terrible memory. And who knows what it's done to my body...

If I quit drinking now, cold turkey - I know what's going to happen. I'll feel anxious, awfully anxious. I've gone through quite a few withdrawal phases before and the main symptom is massive anxiety, leading to other things; mainly sweating, shaking and a general tension and unease in my body. They have usually passed within two to three days, but that's when I go into post-acute withdrawals and I cave in to drinking again.

In the post-acute, I start feeling real depressed. But why? I have a loving family and am well off. I've got two little sisters, aged 8 and 11. They are great, and I really wish I could be a better big brother. They live right nearby, and I don't ever go into their house if I'm drunk or feel like a total mess. I don't want them seeing me like that.

And I know the rules here, as in don't give medical advice, so I guess you're going to say to see my doctor. But it's real embarrassing how high my tolerance to benzos has gotten (at an inpatient detox/rehab facility, they use benzos to wean you off alcohol, right?). I could take 10mg(!) of Klonopin or 1mg - feels like the same thing - they don't seem to work anymore, at all... The benzos used to work before I started drinking. I could take 1mg in the morning and it would last me throughout the day. I didn't drink, I held down a job, and was a good worker apparently, as I were even offered a management position, but then the alcohol struck me. I didn't want to go to work intoxicated, so I quit. It's been two years now.

I'm still taking benzos at times, but it's scary how they are totally inferior to alcohol for releiving my anxiety.

2011 was seriously the worst year of my life, and alcohol is the culprit (or maybe me and my weak willpower). I was doing fairly okay before I started drinking. My anxiety wasn't so bad, I didn't really feel depressed. But I messed up by starting drinking. But well... what can you do about the past... I'm in the situation I'm in and it's time to think topsight and not hindsight.

Sorry for a mess of a rant. English is not my main language and I feel real lost. I never post on message boards, so maybe this will make a point in itself as in how determined I am to quit. Because I absolutely need to if I am going to even have a slight chance of leading a normal life.

Thanks for reading, and well, here's hoping I'll join the March '12 class...

Sapling

Welcome Polaroid...I'd say it's time to quit....You sound like you are ready for it...I don't know what part of Europe you are from....But do you AA available there?...And I do know that Benzos and alcohol is a really bad mix...We have a few members here with more of a history on that....Thank God I was spared that. You mentioned....

I'm still taking benzos at times

What does that mean?....I don't know if you want to hear the see a doctor advice or not...So I'll say it...I'd probably see a doctor...Be totally honest with him/her...No bullsh!t...And see what they suggest for detox...I'd suggest AA for the alcohol problem...But you can use the program for both...Half the people in my meetings are alcoholic/addicts. Good luck to you. Now is as good a time as any to save your life.

Elisabeth888

Benzos are so dangerous, as is alcohol, but especially together. Do not be embarrassed to tell a doctor the truth. This is your life at stake. If he or she acts like a jackhole, go see a new doctor.

Purplecatlover

Read the Big Book, you can download it from the Internet. Read Under the Influence or Beyond the Influence. You can get them at Amazon.com.
They helped explain alot about " why" I was stuck in a vicious cycle.
Why I'd get depressed, anxiety, etc. The alcohol was causing it all. The only way to stop the cycle is to stop drinking, you can do it.
See your Dr. It will be difficult the first month but you WILL start to feel better.
You'll never regret stopping drinking. You'll regret continuing.
Best wishes.
Your English was good to me

Polaroid

Thanks for the replies... I'm from Scandinavia, living in a small valley. I've done some research and the nearest AA meetings are 3 hours away from here. I don't know if it would help me anyways as I'm so shy (a nicer word for "socially anxious"), so I don't think I'd be able to say anything about my situation... I don't know much about AA and how the meetings work, though.

And yeah, I know benzos and alcohol is a bad mix. I used to take benzos to enhance the buzz, as well as taking them to ease the withdrawals. So I guess that's why my tolerance got so high.

Still taking benzos at times because, well... they do help a little, but compared to a year ago they feel like a sugar pill. I'm just taking them occassionally now, attempting to reduce the tolerance.

And Elisabeth, the reason I have not been to my doctor in like a year is because I do indeed think he is a jackhole. It takes much for me to dislike people, but ughh... I'd need to go to another place to see another doc. All the other ones in this town are taken, as for my GP, he's the only one who has free positions (no wonder...)

Thanks for the advice. But thinking I will feel better is like, incomprehensible to me right now. I just can't see it. Then again, in the last year, I've only gone at max about 5-6 days sober.

Polaroid

Ugh... I'm running out of alcohol and thinking of picking up tomorrow. Just to feel safe.

(... and yeah, right... how many times have i bought a box of wine for "safety", only to end up getting drunk ... )

The reason I posted here is because I think I need some support, from, well... real people who has been through this. Doctors just do their routine.

Sapling

Go ahead and hang out...There are other options here than AA...Do some reading...Ask some questions..Welcome aboard.

Purplecatlover

Well, you're going to suffer (continuously) if you keep drinking & suffer ( temporarily) if you stop.
I'm sober 44 days. I feel great. No more craving, withdrawal, anxiety. Life is good. I wish I'd have quit sooner.
Your consumption of alcohol will only get worse. It never gets better.

You have to recognize the Alcoholic mind telling you lies.

Polaroid

You are right... during my few sober phases, my mind was WAY clearer and I felt better. But after like 6 days, I caved, thinking "ah well, it doesn't matter if I have a drink or 4, just to get a little buzz" - And of course, the vicious circle starts yet again.

Guess I should ride out the withdrawals. It's hell on earth, but as you said... just temporary.

Purplecatlover

Exactly, it's easy to think " oh I can just have a couple b/c I've been so good"
And you are right back where you began.
I went through this for years until I found SR. Started reading everything I could about alcoholism b/c I could NOT live like that anymore.
I hated myself, felt like I'd never be able to stop. Had suicidal thoughts at times b/c I felt soo defeated. Then I read about people on SR just like me, some worse, some better & it gave me the confidence that I could stop. I AM in control. I have a choice. I can keep poisoning my mind, body & soul or I can get through this & begin to live again.

I'm 1000% better than I was. You have to want it bad enough. And do whatever it takes to get sober. It's like gearing up for battle but it is a winnable war.

Sapling

This is kind of how it was explained to me...If I keep doing the same thing over and over...And I keep getting the same result (Drinking again)....It might be time for me to try something different...I'll be damned if it didn't work.

Dee74

Hi Polaroid

I really do encourage you to see a Dr as well - no matter how difficult or how reluctant you feel...it really is the best way to go especially if benzoes have been involved for a while.

If you have to search for one anyway, why not make sure it's one who knows a little about addiction?

I'd encourage you to think about what changes you're going to make too - if we keep doing the same things, we get the same result....to change my life I had to make changes - and while it was uncomfortable I didn't do it alone and I fouind a great deal of support, ideas, and encouragement here

coming here is a great start - welcome!

D

Flyersfan

wow there is someone else out there just like me. I didn't start driving til I was 21 and Im also 28 and have anxiety attacks... nothing calms you down like alcohol... atitvan just doesnt do it for me anymore

Polaroid

Good to hear you are better now. I've had suicidal thoughts as well (and still have). Blame alcohol for the scars on my wrist

I've had those thoughts for years, but under the influence I actually made an attempt. I won't get too graphic here, so I'll just say it didn't work (obviously).

Thanks Dee. If I can't do a detox at home (which I'm trying to do), I really think I need professional help, yes. I just have to muster up the courage to seek it.

Yeah, but anxiety and alcohol does not combine well... Self-medicating with alcohol is the worst thing you can do [in my experience]
(btw, the Penguins are better than the Flyers )

soberlicious

You're not alone in that, Polaroid. Lots of us know how that feels.
I'm glad you are taking steps to quit. Keep reading, posting, and moving forward. You can successfully quit, and you can walk out of the darkness and into the light.
BTW, your English is wonderful. You have a far better command of the language than you realize

sanderbant

I was terrified to go to my doctor. I told myself I was doing the right thing and putting it out there in order to really make a commitment to myself. He didn't think I was an ass. In fact, he congratulated me on making a good decision and told me he was proud of me. He told me about a friend of his who was an alcoholic and said that I would be shocked at how many others have problems with alcohol. I also started drinking later than most and doing so because it helped my anxiety. I also mixed benzos and alcohol at times. I have only been sober for 2 weeks now and the anxiety has decreased immensely. Those first few days are hell. The anxiety is terrifying. It passes. I feel so much better now and can't believe what I allowed myself to go through before becoming sober.
Like others, I urge you to see your doctor and just be upfront. It will not be the first time he/she has heard the same story and I can guarantee he/she has probably heard much worse.
Good luck!

Hevyn

Welcome Polaroid! Your English is just fine - you come through loud and clear. I'm so glad you're finding your way out of a dark time in your life. Be proud of yourself for seeing the light.

I, too, used alcohol to feel less anxious, less shy and self-conscious. Therefore I never grew or matured, just masked my problem. I went on that way for decades - I'm happy you're dealing with this as a young person. You'll never go through the hell that many of us have. Keep talking to us - we care about you.

Polaroid

Thanks guys, for your support.

I keep thinking I'll pick up another bottle tomorrow. I know it's gonna make matters worse. Sure, I'll feel fine for a couple hours, then i crash...

Alcohol is a demon in disguise. Shouldn't be legal. Eff' it.

sissy07

Polaroid,

I am disheartened to read your latest post. Do yourself a favor and reconsider.

Polaroid

Well I guess that was why I posted here. I take every reply to heart - hopefully I've had my last trip to the liquor store... if my withdrawals get too bad I guess I'm just gonna have to call a doc.