kieren

Hello,

I just typed a HUGE speel and it timed out so i will try point form this time... LOL

Married for 11 yrs to my DH who is an immigrant from another english speaking country but it does bring us soem cultural issues (one of them drinking).

I have a daughter and we have a daughter

He drinks 6-8 bottles of beer, 500mls of wine and 1 -2 spirit mixers a night.

Best sober period ever was a month

If he goes sober he expects praise non stop for the entire period like a 2 yr old.

if he has no alcohol or deems it as my turn to pay he becoems a 2 year old

he has no friends, he drinks at home

he actively discourages people from visiting and ringing the house. My family and friends now ring when they know he is out or call me on my mobile.

I am not codependant as I do things without him because he refuses to participate but I suffer for it. he constantly refers to my 'running around' becasue I go and do things, see things and even have lunch with my parents.

This misery began years ago, i couldnt get pregnant so sex became 'now cause I am ovulating'. he hated it. Then when i did get pregnant i put on HEAPS of weight while breastfeeding. So did he. he told me he couldnt hav sex with me cause I was too fat and gross. he wa also drinking HEAPS. I decided to loose the weight. I was doing really well, people were noticing (one in particular at my new job) and so one day stood in the doorway of our bedroom in all the black lacy stuff and said 'how about it'. He looked me up and down with UTTER contempt and so. NO. mentally I snapped and thought to myself well if you dont I know someone who will. His drinking was so bad and life in general was miserable that I decided I would leave him after avisit from his parents. The guy was an added complication but not the reason. Anyway DH found out. Went balisitc, got so drunk that he actually urinated in the corner of a room in the house because he thought it was the toilet.

We went to counselling (which was crap) he said he would change, we sold the house and moved, I moved jobs. All at his behest. To try again.

Now he drinks as much as before, is morbid (and fat again), has been told by the Dr to smarten up and apparently it is all my fault for being a **** and because I dotn seem to need him, 'i lead my own life and he is not included'.

Everything revolves around his magic 5pm drinking time (he wont drink before) and he must get a quota of drinks in before dinner, he cant go out and not drink so therefore I always have to drive. he even went so far as to drink a spirit mixer while I was in the shower once when we were supposed to be going out to MY girlfriends party, so that I had to drive.

I am working my way out, financially I am not ready but I have a plan and it is coming along.

I guess I am wondering, is it me?

Thanks for reading.

Ghostly

Hey Kieren...welcome to SR.

No it is not you. Congrats on taking steps to take back your life. Sounds like in addition to his alcohol problems, and his total lack of respect for you, your DH is also very controlling. That can be a dangerous combination.

Stick to your plan, and do what you feel is right. Good luck and keep us posted. Remember you and your girls safety is the priority here.

SoaringSpirits

No, it's not you. Your husband is an alcoholic jerk. You sound like you know what to do. Good on you for making a plan to move on. Life is too short.

lillamy

Hi and welcome.
I hate labels. But honey, I hate to break it to you -- that story, plus the question "is it me?" is pretty much the definition of codependent. Which, you know, is good, because to find the right help, you need the right diagnosis.

Read your post again. You wrote again and again about how his drinking has affected your marriage and your life. And then you ask if it's your fault.

The answer is NO.

It is not your fault.

So much of what you're saying is so painfully familiar to me. The blame game (everything's your fault in his mind), the absurdity of him putting you down and calling you fat and yet insisting you have sex with him. The prioritizing drinking over everything else. The being his designated driver, always. The complaints that you're running around.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, meaning it gets worse. You know where it went for me from where you're at?

The complaints about "running around" changed into super-controlling behavior. I went to a ladies' weekend church retreat and he showed up there after calling my cell phone about 10 times an hour. I didn't answer because, well, it was a church retreat and we were doing Bible studies and worship time and quiet prayer time and... because I didn't pick up every time, he concluded I was having an affair. (With whom? The pastor's wife?)

Then it got to the point where I stopped doing outside things because it wasn't worth the hassle before or after. In 20 years of marriage, other than visiting my parents, I was away from him and our kids twice, for two nights each time. Once was when I was hospitalized.

It is NOT you. It is NOT your fault.

Please, hang around, and you'll find that you are NOT alone in feeling crazy and at your wits end and questioning your own sanity. You're the sane one in the relationship. The only sick thing with you (and with me) is that in order to survive in an alcoholic relationship, we develop coping mechanisms that are unhealthy, that rob us of who we are, and that turn us into shells of who we ought to be.

There is so much wisdom and support in this group. Stay. Make yourself at home. Pull up a chair and read the "stickies" (the posts at the top of the forum) and learn more about this people-eating disease. You deserve better than what you have.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You will find loads of support and information here.

My first lesson, here at SR was to learn about the three C's of addiction:

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it

The addiction belongs to the other adult in your relationship.

I hope you will stick around and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here for you, ane we understand.

In reading, this is one of my favorite "sticky" posts. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

nodaybut2day

Nope, it's not you. He'd no doubt drink if it was raining...or snowing...or not snowing...or if it was Wednesday...and would no doubt find fault in just about every partner he could find, just to justify the drinking. It's what he does: he's an alcoholic.

I applaud you for putting together an exit strategy.

wanttobehealthy

Not only is he clearly an alcoholic but he is also abusive- the things you report he says/said to you, his attempts to control you etc... are abuse. Sure they seem very common in a lot of alcoholics too but they are abuse. There's no disease called abuse. That's a choice.

You deserve better and he sounds awful to you. How far along are you in your planning to get away from him. Sounds like the sooner the better.

Cyranoak

Correction: You have two daughters and a male infant.

I don't know about you and your "husband," but I didn't marry my wife to be her daddy. I married her to have a partner in life. The last ******* thing I needed was an adult child.

Good luck to you,

Cyranoak

inpieces314

You know what I hate? Manipulation. It absolutely sucks. They will say anything they can to crawl under your skin, **** you off, and then say anything else to get you to do what they want. And I don't know about you guys but it works on me every time. And the really REALLY sad thing is, I KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING! One time I called him out on it, telling him I didn't want him to manipulate me anymore. Actually what I said is, "I don't know if it's an Omaha thing (because his entire family is from there) or an addict thing (because everyone in his family is addicted to something or another) but I am tired of you all manipulating me." And I swear, every other sentence out of his mouth after that, I would say, "And that is a manipulation!" But of course, instead of correcting it, he went on and on about how crazy I am and how I need help, blahblahblah. Every single time we argue, he does it to me. We both know it. But it has to stop somewhere.

So no, I do not think it is you in the least. Your DH even has the therapist manipulated. And the sad thing is, it worked. It worked on you for a while, but thankfully you are starting to realize what he is doing. At least you are starting to feel like maybe he isn't really right. I don't know about you, but when I realized that, which was only a couple of days ago, even though I am going through hell right now, that tiny little piece of knowledge held a lot of power for me.

FindingJoy

No this is not your fault although he clearly has done a great job of using you as an excuse to drink.

My first ExAB told me that he was less interested in me sexually as I was always naked. HA what man would want a women who is comfortable with her body and is naked a lot around the house? Of course that made me feel ugly which was his goal to control me.

Like yours he also said that this is all in my head hence why I am on antidepressants and he's not so who's the crazy one ? This one worked on me as well.

But only for a short period if time until I saved money to move out, buy furniture, pots/pans, and to this day he is a drunk even worse than before after 9 years.

Take care of you..you deserve a partner who adores you and you adore him.

kieren

If I wasn't in a public place right now I would be crying my eyes out at your support.

I also need to apologise for my terrible typing, it never was one of my strong points!

Thank you all so much. Deep down you know it is not your fault but you still think that maybe, just maybe....I should know this, in something totally unrelated (but then again maybe not) I was sexually abused by a VERY close family member from the age of 6-16. I am over it as best i can be now but when I was recovering I was always told, not your fault. I shall readapt that mantra.

Dh constantly refers to other peoples drinking as an example of what he is not like, and yes there are more people around that drink more then him but do they let it rule their lives? He doesn't even see the 'quota' thing happening??? This morning he picked a fight until he could storm out of the house and send me filthy text messages. Tonight is my daughter's birthday party. It is at a restaurant. I am paying for dinner but I have limited funds for drinks - and of course - i am driving - so I told him he would need to have extra money to pay for his beer because I told him truthfully I cannot financially keep up to him. So this morning he picks a fight, chucks a hissy fit, storms out and then says that he is not coming to the party. Tough luck we are going!!!

My plan is to be as debt free as possible when i leave so it will take me some time. I have realised that over time he has kept me pinned down by getting us into debt. We are almost out, except for the house. Recently i refused to go joint loan for $30k of credit card debt that HE has run up, mostly buying booze! he wouldnt talk to me for a week (bliss) and i used the excuse of wanting to buy a car soon but really it is because NEVER again will I put my name to anything with him. I am on the road OUT!

I can only get on here when able to get to a public computer, he sweeps the one at home, looking for my next lover, so please bear with me if i am away for a while.

THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH!!

FindingJoy

He's just a peach isn't he?! You deserve so much more and always have.... Now it's time to give it to yourself.

Tuffgirl

Lots of good posts here already, but I wanted to weigh in and say no - it is not you. It wasn't me either. It wasn't our marriage, our home, the kids, the dog, work, family, weight, health, car troubles, or bills. It was alcohol.

The end.

Keep coming back! You are not alone.
~T

nodaybut2day

My XAH also used to point and look down at other "drunks" as proof that he wasn't an alcoholic and didn't have a problem. In the end, it didn't matter that he "only" drank 2-3 liters of beer per day whereas others were chugging vodka and peeing in the corner of the bedroom. What mattered was the fact that *I* had a problem with his drinking (and his abusive tendencies...).

I think your plan is a good one...have you begun separating your finances (as in your bank accounts)? Do you have a debt repayment plan in place, as well as a budget? Perhaps you can talk to your bank about consolidating your debts to lower your monthly payments...

I would also advise you to begin gathering all important paperwork (marriage certificate, deeds to house/cars, income tax reports, birth certificates, etc) and storing them in a safe place...either a family member's or friend's house, or at work in a locked cabinet.

Since you're proceeding carefully, perhaps look into getting a few free legal consultations from different lawyers, to get an idea about separation, especially since you share a child. It doesn't commit you to anything, just gives you some good information.

Finally, even though you've got a plan in place, I'd also have one of those "emergency" plans ready, just in case you have to leave in a hurry. I too had this plan to continue living together for 3 months after we had decided to separate and was slowly moving towards that goal, when XAH suddenly decided to threaten to keep me in our apartment till I gave him custody of DD. That's when I had to run.

I'm no worse for wear today. I jumped and a net appeared.

kieren

I really cant tell you how good it is to hear other people have been through and experienced the same things....

What I have found most hard to sort of think through is that, he doesnt beat me - physically, the bills are always paid, there is food in the house and we have a good house, good cars etc, sometimes everything is good (but he drinks slightly less) and yet 'it' is always there.

How do you explain that to people? They just kind of look at you and say, what are you complaining about, 'all men drink' but they dont see the ugly parts, like when he wakes me up at midnight just to tell me what a loose women i am and how digusting i am etc. It is ALL of these little things that you live with day in day out that erode away at your sanity and composure. I am two people, the home one and the outside the house one.

Thanks for the advice on the money etc. Our money situation is good, I have kept it on track. it will take 12 months but then I will be ok. The best chance i have of being able to walk away with as little hassle as possible is to make sure he can maintain the lifestyle he has now. If I wait 12 months I can do that. If I leave now we will have to sell and split stuff and he has already told me he will take me tot he cleaners cause he can afford better legal etc. Also there is the possibility that he could get our daughter a passport for his country and they could dissapear. So i am beign very careful and very gentle. I have the plan but ont eh outside nothing is changing.

My family know how things are so in an emergency I will go to them and it will be ok. He is NOT popular.

I shall however take copies of documents etc. I dont think he would even know where to find them but that is a good point.

Thank you again!!

PS he went to party last night, drank 5 bottle beer before leaving, 3 beers there, a bottle of wine (minus my 125ml), came home, had another beer and at least one pre mixer that I know of, I went to bed. How can these people see that they are NOT normal???? I have also found that I am completely and UTTERLY REVOLTED by him after 3 beers. I hve to restrain myself from running from the room! Normal?

nodaybut2day

I know being in debt sucks the big one; it took me several months to pay back all the debts XAH put me in BUT what's important is getting away safe, with custody of your child.

Where an international kidnapping is concerned, because your child is a minor, your AH cannot travel with her outside of the country without your written consent. I know this because I am prohibited from travel outside my country without XAH's consent, which I assume he will never give, just to be spiteful. I assume that your AH would also have to have your signature to get your child a passport to his country...

In your shoes, I would start documenting all instances of drunkeness and how these instances impact his ability to parent. Make things point form, including dates and times and keeping things very factual. I had to do this to prove that XAH wasn't capable of caring for DD; my detailed journal supported my affidavit which in turn helped me obtain sole custody.

As for how you explain things to people...well, there's nothing that says that you have to. No one outside your marriage can know exactly what kind of hell you've been living in, and as such they have no right making a judgment. If it helps, you can have a stock phrase prepared in your head, like "Yes, AH and I separating, and I don't care to discuss it at this time." Anyone who doesn't respect that is clearly not your friend.

jessiec

Just wanted to give you a hug. Wishing you the happiness you deserve!

Live

There is an author about domestic abuse that illustrates the power and control dynamics that make up abuse and it doesn't necessarily mean he ever raises a hand to you, but you are being abused. The author's name is Lundy Bancroft.

I will put up a link but don't know if it is allowed for me to do so?

akrasia

Hi Kieren,

You don't deserve this garbage. I can only echo what others have said--and what you yourself seem to know in your heart.

Can I gently point out that your plan to get debt-free, and then leave, might in fact be a delay tactic you're creating for yourself? Because we all know that no matter how miserable a person is, the step to actually leave is gut-wrenching and we've all played mental games with ourselves to put it off.

But here's a fact: I know of no-one who's actually got themselves debt-free WHILE living with an abusive, out-of-control addict. You can move out and then get debt-free.

naive

i agree with akrasia.

12 months is a long time to continue to live in such a manner.

12 months is a long time for him to accrue new debt.

have you consulted a lawyer?