I can't let go of the anger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
I can't let go of the anger
I'm angry all the time & I hate it. The memories of words said to me by the alcoholic in my life boil up unannounced & uninvited at unexpected moments. They ruin everything. And they can never be taken back so now they are mine to live with. Words so carelessly flung in a drunken episode & not even remembered by the speaker.
I joined this group in hopes of finding support, giving support and finding peace with my circumstances.
I have been lied to, taken for granted, verbally abused and accused of things I don't deserve. I've had our home destroyed in a drunken rage and my animals huddled around me behind locked doors while the storm rages outside my bedroom.
I know I can't control his drinking but I need and want to find a way to be able to not let it dominate my life. My friendships have suffered as well as my work.
How do I move past the hurt and anger that now seems to own me?
Even when B isn't drinking and things are quiet and pleasant I find myself resentful and even bitter.
So I'm hoping this is the first step to MY recovery in how to deal with the alcoholic in my life. Thanks for listening. THELMA
I joined this group in hopes of finding support, giving support and finding peace with my circumstances.
I have been lied to, taken for granted, verbally abused and accused of things I don't deserve. I've had our home destroyed in a drunken rage and my animals huddled around me behind locked doors while the storm rages outside my bedroom.
I know I can't control his drinking but I need and want to find a way to be able to not let it dominate my life. My friendships have suffered as well as my work.
How do I move past the hurt and anger that now seems to own me?
Even when B isn't drinking and things are quiet and pleasant I find myself resentful and even bitter.
So I'm hoping this is the first step to MY recovery in how to deal with the alcoholic in my life. Thanks for listening. THELMA
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome...I guess my question is...why do you stay with a drunken abuser?
Take the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the F & F's of Substance Abusers, an addict is an addict, alcohol or drugs.
Have you been to Alanon meetings or read Codependent No More...if not, I would
sugesst that you do both.
Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.
Take the time to read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the F & F's of Substance Abusers, an addict is an addict, alcohol or drugs.
Have you been to Alanon meetings or read Codependent No More...if not, I would
sugesst that you do both.
Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome to the SR family Thelma, I am so glad you are here.
My suggestion would be to first read the stickies "permanant posts" at the top of the page, as well as the stories we all share.
Like you I struggle with anger, I have spent many years being bitter about my circumstances in childhood and adulthood (my mother is acid tongued when she is sober, when she starts on her first bottle of wine it gets exponentially worse until she finally blacks out every night about 11).
I am in therapy again because I cannot control my anger and hatred toward her and it is affecting my other relationships. I have not tried al-anon, but many people here have had great success with it.
This is an excellent place to vent, to talk, to cry, and to get a hug, I find that it is my island when I feel like no one I live with understands how I feel.
Please come back often, best of luck and big hugs.
Bill
My suggestion would be to first read the stickies "permanant posts" at the top of the page, as well as the stories we all share.
Like you I struggle with anger, I have spent many years being bitter about my circumstances in childhood and adulthood (my mother is acid tongued when she is sober, when she starts on her first bottle of wine it gets exponentially worse until she finally blacks out every night about 11).
I am in therapy again because I cannot control my anger and hatred toward her and it is affecting my other relationships. I have not tried al-anon, but many people here have had great success with it.
This is an excellent place to vent, to talk, to cry, and to get a hug, I find that it is my island when I feel like no one I live with understands how I feel.
Please come back often, best of luck and big hugs.
Bill
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 27
Welcome Thelma....First, none if this is your fault. Second, Dollydo is right. If you haven't been to any Alaonon Meetings or other support groups, you might want to research them as soon as possible. Though you may feel alone, you're not. I promise you there are people who have been in this very same situation and have conquered it. Don't give up and don't fight this battle on your own. Alcohol may have control over "them" but it doesn't have to control you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Wow, I could have posted this myself. While every situation is different, I find that when my AH is not drinking, things here are calm too. But I also struggle with the images of the last time he came home drunk. The staggering, sloppy, word-slurring...
So far what is helping me is coming here to SR and finding ways to make me feel better about myself. I know I don't deserve to be treated poorly. When I feel a little down, I exercise and listen to music.
When AH goes on a binge, I find other things to do and avoid having contact with him. He knows I don't want to be around him when he's drunk, so now at least he expects to be ignored, and usually just gets on the couch and falls asleep. AHHHH, bliss.
Remember; A foolish person seeks happiness in the distance, a wise person grows it under his feet.
So far what is helping me is coming here to SR and finding ways to make me feel better about myself. I know I don't deserve to be treated poorly. When I feel a little down, I exercise and listen to music.
When AH goes on a binge, I find other things to do and avoid having contact with him. He knows I don't want to be around him when he's drunk, so now at least he expects to be ignored, and usually just gets on the couch and falls asleep. AHHHH, bliss.
Remember; A foolish person seeks happiness in the distance, a wise person grows it under his feet.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family!
So glad you are reaching out for love, support and help!
That's why we all came here!
One of the many many things I have learned over the years in my recovery (Al-Anon) is that "hurting people hurt people" ~ people that suffer from the disease of alcoholism/addiction are hurting and they tend to project that pain onto the closest people around them.
NOW, that doesn't excuse the action - it just explains it.
As we grow in our recovery, we learn about detachment, boundaries, acceptable behaviors, deal-breakers, not inabling, NO is a complete sentence and learning that is ok to do what is healthy for us and most important allowing our loved ones the dignity and self-respect to walk their own paths. . .
Keep coming back ~ don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU ~ YOU deserve them!
PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita
So glad you are reaching out for love, support and help!
That's why we all came here!
One of the many many things I have learned over the years in my recovery (Al-Anon) is that "hurting people hurt people" ~ people that suffer from the disease of alcoholism/addiction are hurting and they tend to project that pain onto the closest people around them.
NOW, that doesn't excuse the action - it just explains it.
As we grow in our recovery, we learn about detachment, boundaries, acceptable behaviors, deal-breakers, not inabling, NO is a complete sentence and learning that is ok to do what is healthy for us and most important allowing our loved ones the dignity and self-respect to walk their own paths. . .
Keep coming back ~ don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU ~ YOU deserve them!
PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: a better place
Posts: 66
I can relate to anger. I can also relate to frustration at feeling unsafe around someone we thought loved us. I haven't tried Al-Anon or some of the other resources mentioned here, but I say try whatever provides an outlet to express your anger in a healthy way!! Finding a safe place to express your feelings will help, however you decide is best for you, whether spiritual, artistic, physical, verbal.....be creative about it.
I once needed to dispose of some old glassware and plates, so I used them to help me have an outlet for my anger. Piece by piece I threw, smashed, tossed them all into a pit (I know, sounds nutty)... but it was SOUND of the smashing and the physicality of breaking the plates that was really emotionally therapeutic for me. Maybe talk to someone you trust about a safe, healthy way to let the anger out?
I once needed to dispose of some old glassware and plates, so I used them to help me have an outlet for my anger. Piece by piece I threw, smashed, tossed them all into a pit (I know, sounds nutty)... but it was SOUND of the smashing and the physicality of breaking the plates that was really emotionally therapeutic for me. Maybe talk to someone you trust about a safe, healthy way to let the anger out?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
There's some good advice for you in the previous post...
Anger was a HUGE word for me in the beginning of my recovery..
But when I work the program, read, educate myself on WHY I get so angry.
It all makes sense and it's beginning to fade away...
One of those crazy quotes that I read made alot of sense to me
"Sometimes the things that screws us up the most in life, is the picture
we have in our heads, of the way things should be"...
Gotta throw away that word "SHOULD" and face it head on for what "IT IS" today
and let it go....WORK THE PROGRAM...You will be glad you did..It's your chance
to laugh and enjoy life again....
Anger was a HUGE word for me in the beginning of my recovery..
But when I work the program, read, educate myself on WHY I get so angry.
It all makes sense and it's beginning to fade away...
One of those crazy quotes that I read made alot of sense to me
"Sometimes the things that screws us up the most in life, is the picture
we have in our heads, of the way things should be"...
Gotta throw away that word "SHOULD" and face it head on for what "IT IS" today
and let it go....WORK THE PROGRAM...You will be glad you did..It's your chance
to laugh and enjoy life again....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, Thelma. It's important to know (and I say this to myself as well) that anger (and other emotions) serves a purpose in our lives. Anger is one way signal that our boundaries have been overstepped/ignored/trampled; that there's something going on that we don't like, or find hurtful, scary, or just unacceptable - on some level. IMHO, it's incredibly hard to let go of the anger when the situation continues unchanged.
It's possible that in some situations, *we* could change our outlook, which would then improve or change our perception of the situation. However, there are situations were we should not ignore our anger or where we should not adapt our perception to accept the situation. Abuse is one of those.
When I first started dating now-XAH, I'd get angry when he blew me off to drink with his team mates or friends; I'd get angry when he told me I lived too far away so therefore he was NOT going to pick me up for our date like he said he was - or ANY date for that matter. Not too extreme on the face of it. I'd make a slight adjustment: it's no big that he goes out drinking so much, he's a 20-something guy, of COURSE he's gonna drink. or Well, OK, yeah, I do live 20 minutes from town; it's too far for him to drive, so I can drive in to see him. (It took a long time for me to see the problem with that last one...)
The first sentence of that paragraph: I'd get angry when... OK, maybe if those had been the only little bits of anger that I ignored with XAH, it would have been OK. They were little concessions. Tiny. The next ones were just as small. And the next. For each one, I'd have a spark of anger, and then I'd reason it away. And those reasons always reduced the ... minimum level of respect and consideration I expected from a partner. Does that make sense? An alternate way to put it, those reasons always made it so I'd accept behavior from XAH that was just a little worse that what I'd thought acceptable before.
So a long convoluted way of saying, I found it helpful to take a look at where the anger was coming from.
Wishing you strength and peace.
It's possible that in some situations, *we* could change our outlook, which would then improve or change our perception of the situation. However, there are situations were we should not ignore our anger or where we should not adapt our perception to accept the situation. Abuse is one of those.
When I first started dating now-XAH, I'd get angry when he blew me off to drink with his team mates or friends; I'd get angry when he told me I lived too far away so therefore he was NOT going to pick me up for our date like he said he was - or ANY date for that matter. Not too extreme on the face of it. I'd make a slight adjustment: it's no big that he goes out drinking so much, he's a 20-something guy, of COURSE he's gonna drink. or Well, OK, yeah, I do live 20 minutes from town; it's too far for him to drive, so I can drive in to see him. (It took a long time for me to see the problem with that last one...)
The first sentence of that paragraph: I'd get angry when... OK, maybe if those had been the only little bits of anger that I ignored with XAH, it would have been OK. They were little concessions. Tiny. The next ones were just as small. And the next. For each one, I'd have a spark of anger, and then I'd reason it away. And those reasons always reduced the ... minimum level of respect and consideration I expected from a partner. Does that make sense? An alternate way to put it, those reasons always made it so I'd accept behavior from XAH that was just a little worse that what I'd thought acceptable before.
So a long convoluted way of saying, I found it helpful to take a look at where the anger was coming from.
Wishing you strength and peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome!!! I read this:
and I thought "Boy, she's in the right place!"
Because I think most of us have been there. So you're among friends here.
Stay, listen, talk. There's a lot of wisdome here. Glad you found us.
I joined this group in hopes of finding support, giving support and finding peace with my circumstances.
I have been lied to, taken for granted, verbally abused and accused of things I don't deserve. I've had our home destroyed in a drunken rage and my animals huddled around me behind locked doors while the storm rages outside my bedroom.
I have been lied to, taken for granted, verbally abused and accused of things I don't deserve. I've had our home destroyed in a drunken rage and my animals huddled around me behind locked doors while the storm rages outside my bedroom.
Because I think most of us have been there. So you're among friends here.
Stay, listen, talk. There's a lot of wisdome here. Glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: LA CA
Posts: 110
Thelma!
Oh my gosh I am right there with you ...
Lillamy is right with your quote "I joined this group in hopes of finding support, giving support and finding peace with my circumstances.
I have been lied to, taken for granted, verbally abused and accused of things I don't deserve. I've had our home destroyed in a drunken rage and my animals huddled around me behind locked doors while the storm rages outside my bedroom."
I was there that night(s) too, what to do when your there and the after math after it. The anger, hurt and feelings of such disrespect. The black hole that they take you too, the ugliness in those hours is so tremendous. NO words to describe it. I can only empathize with you as I am holding the anger within as well. Praying that time will heal all and trusting in the universe to direct me on my true life path. I trust in that whole heartedly. I know the love I have for myself and the magic in the world. Their are parts in our lives that are just plain unexplainable and moments when we touch on people that are here only to teach us something about ourselves, and that isn't always what we want to see. It is not our faults but we can change our situations and I am struggling with the past as well. Letting go and grabbing the peace and love that I deserve... you do too.
I am wishing you all that I want for myself
HuggSSS!!!!
Oh my gosh I am right there with you ...
Lillamy is right with your quote "I joined this group in hopes of finding support, giving support and finding peace with my circumstances.
I have been lied to, taken for granted, verbally abused and accused of things I don't deserve. I've had our home destroyed in a drunken rage and my animals huddled around me behind locked doors while the storm rages outside my bedroom."
I was there that night(s) too, what to do when your there and the after math after it. The anger, hurt and feelings of such disrespect. The black hole that they take you too, the ugliness in those hours is so tremendous. NO words to describe it. I can only empathize with you as I am holding the anger within as well. Praying that time will heal all and trusting in the universe to direct me on my true life path. I trust in that whole heartedly. I know the love I have for myself and the magic in the world. Their are parts in our lives that are just plain unexplainable and moments when we touch on people that are here only to teach us something about ourselves, and that isn't always what we want to see. It is not our faults but we can change our situations and I am struggling with the past as well. Letting go and grabbing the peace and love that I deserve... you do too.
I am wishing you all that I want for myself
HuggSSS!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
LOL Breaking glass does NOT sound nutty. And if it is I'm right there with you. I had an old desk that was beyond repair and took it out of the basement in pieces after taking a splitting maul to it for about thirty minutes. It was the best outlet. No one was hurt. No one was home and I felt so good!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi Thelma, sometimes I feel SO angry, too.
I'm working on myself and doing Al Anon and all that, but some days I just feel like smashing something.
My dad used to beat on our wood pile with a piece of garden hose. He laughs about it now but says it was really useful. I go out in my horse pasture and I throw rocks as hard as I can. It really helps. And I cry a lot, too. But the best thing I've done by far is to stop living with my AH. I still feel angry, I am still sad, I still feel so betrayed at times, but I have so much more peace now. No walking on eggshells. It's so worth the struggle.
I send you hugs. You are not alone. There is a good life ahead for you.
I'm working on myself and doing Al Anon and all that, but some days I just feel like smashing something.
My dad used to beat on our wood pile with a piece of garden hose. He laughs about it now but says it was really useful. I go out in my horse pasture and I throw rocks as hard as I can. It really helps. And I cry a lot, too. But the best thing I've done by far is to stop living with my AH. I still feel angry, I am still sad, I still feel so betrayed at times, but I have so much more peace now. No walking on eggshells. It's so worth the struggle.
I send you hugs. You are not alone. There is a good life ahead for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
Thank you all for your love and support. It really is nice to know that I'm not going through this alone and that there are people out there who can relate. I look forward to learning from all of you and supporting you in your journey(s) as well. I feel like a can breathe again. (breathe in breathe out...repeat)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Thelma, Welcome!
When a "normie" reads what we matter of factly share what our lives are like and the levels of abuse we tolerate on a daily basis they wonder just how off our rocker we all are!
As an ACOA who was in a highly toxic and dangerous home enviroment all of my childhood I actually no longer even have a fear response. In my teenage years I would defy my drunken father with a loaded rifle and dare him to kill me... he would shoot over my head in a deep drunken state.
What was wrong with me? My brain had adapted to extreme stress of my childhood by destroying the very parts of my brain that warned me of danger. Today I am in the criminal justice system and often arrest dangerous men (I am a woman) and I never have any fear... no icy fingers in stomach or sweaty hands...no stress. My brain no longer works right and someday it may get me killed.
When we understand how unhealthy environments change our brain chemistry it helps us to take action to preserve our mental health. Counseling has helped me tremendously and I strongly, strongly recommend that along with alanon and lots of reading!
Remember the journey of discovery and learning about addiction and codependency is the path to freedom even if it has loops and and occasional dead ends... just backtrack back and keep reading here and in good books and articles as well as finding an alanon group!
Taking this action helps us to get our "normal barometer" back on track and make good decisions for ourselves on what we will and will no longer tolerate in our life... and do this while getting our serenity as well as our "groove" back!
When a "normie" reads what we matter of factly share what our lives are like and the levels of abuse we tolerate on a daily basis they wonder just how off our rocker we all are!
As an ACOA who was in a highly toxic and dangerous home enviroment all of my childhood I actually no longer even have a fear response. In my teenage years I would defy my drunken father with a loaded rifle and dare him to kill me... he would shoot over my head in a deep drunken state.
What was wrong with me? My brain had adapted to extreme stress of my childhood by destroying the very parts of my brain that warned me of danger. Today I am in the criminal justice system and often arrest dangerous men (I am a woman) and I never have any fear... no icy fingers in stomach or sweaty hands...no stress. My brain no longer works right and someday it may get me killed.
When we understand how unhealthy environments change our brain chemistry it helps us to take action to preserve our mental health. Counseling has helped me tremendously and I strongly, strongly recommend that along with alanon and lots of reading!
Remember the journey of discovery and learning about addiction and codependency is the path to freedom even if it has loops and and occasional dead ends... just backtrack back and keep reading here and in good books and articles as well as finding an alanon group!
Taking this action helps us to get our "normal barometer" back on track and make good decisions for ourselves on what we will and will no longer tolerate in our life... and do this while getting our serenity as well as our "groove" back!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you for your post and welcome!
I really needed to hear this
because I am stuck in anger towards my business partner and keep trying to work my program to release it, but the issue is that my resentment has reached a point where either she changes (not going to happen) or I leave.
I actually hung up on her about 30 minutes ago because she wouldn't stop interrupting me and screaming. I keep telling myself I need to be more tolerant, and have some guilt about not being able to deal with her, but I think I'll move into acceptance and be honest about it, see where that gets me.
Being kind to ourselves is also really important too.
Welcome.
I really needed to hear this
It's important to know (and I say this to myself as well) that anger (and other emotions) serves a purpose in our lives. Anger is one way signal that our boundaries have been overstepped/ignored/trampled; that there's something going on that we don't like, or find hurtful, scary, or just unacceptable - on some level. IMHO, it's incredibly hard to let go of the anger when the situation continues unchanged.
I actually hung up on her about 30 minutes ago because she wouldn't stop interrupting me and screaming. I keep telling myself I need to be more tolerant, and have some guilt about not being able to deal with her, but I think I'll move into acceptance and be honest about it, see where that gets me.
Being kind to ourselves is also really important too.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 15
Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel, Thelma. I have never been an angry person, but I've really become one in the past few months. There is so much hostility, resentment, bitterness, etc. inside me that sometimes I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. I go back & forth: wanting to let go of the anger for my own sake, and feeling like anger is the exact right response to being treated as poorly as I have been, so I should be angry.
Oddly enough, the anger has been building in me for the past few months, and really started to come to the surface when I started attending al-anon meetings. Please don't think I'm saying the meetings are causing or contributing to my anger, I know that's not the case. But I do feel like this is the first time I've allowed myself to be honest about my home life, and because of that, the emotional floodgates have opened, so to speak. All the anger I've been denying and burying inside is starting to come out. Sometimes I even think I'm going though the classic "5 stages of grief" and mourning the death of my marriage, and I've hit stage 2: Anger.
So, yeah. You definitely aren't alone in this. I think most of us have probably felt some level of anger at one point or another. I'm trying hard to use my anger as motivation to change. I hope you find a positive way of dealing with your feelings.
Oddly enough, the anger has been building in me for the past few months, and really started to come to the surface when I started attending al-anon meetings. Please don't think I'm saying the meetings are causing or contributing to my anger, I know that's not the case. But I do feel like this is the first time I've allowed myself to be honest about my home life, and because of that, the emotional floodgates have opened, so to speak. All the anger I've been denying and burying inside is starting to come out. Sometimes I even think I'm going though the classic "5 stages of grief" and mourning the death of my marriage, and I've hit stage 2: Anger.
So, yeah. You definitely aren't alone in this. I think most of us have probably felt some level of anger at one point or another. I'm trying hard to use my anger as motivation to change. I hope you find a positive way of dealing with your feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
The anger became apparent to me when I had recovered enough to get some levels of denial cleared out of my system.
I also had to feel safe "enough" for the anger to come. For me I was able to feel it with the support of therapy, Al-anon and learning about addiction and co-dependency.
Since the initial time (Xmas 2010) it has come and gone in waves....but often about different topics or layers than the first time. I was frightened at first that I would get "stuck" in anger. Honestly though the only way I would do that was if I continued to try and stuff it and never let it see the light of day....or dissipate.
Learning about the grief cycle for me helped normalize my anger.
I only made it worse for myself if I heaped upon myself judgement about the emotion I was feeling. I don't think we have control over our emotions, but we do have control over our actions around them.
I also had to feel safe "enough" for the anger to come. For me I was able to feel it with the support of therapy, Al-anon and learning about addiction and co-dependency.
Since the initial time (Xmas 2010) it has come and gone in waves....but often about different topics or layers than the first time. I was frightened at first that I would get "stuck" in anger. Honestly though the only way I would do that was if I continued to try and stuff it and never let it see the light of day....or dissipate.
Learning about the grief cycle for me helped normalize my anger.
I only made it worse for myself if I heaped upon myself judgement about the emotion I was feeling. I don't think we have control over our emotions, but we do have control over our actions around them.
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