Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....
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Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....
I found this post below from Desert Eyes about forgiveness that explained it very well. I don't know if this is in the stickies but could it be there under resources?
This is such a vital part of recovery without which we are blocked, destined to forever be bound to our childhoods. It is not easy, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. No they don't deserve forgiveness
, but we do. 
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ears-lies.html
DesertEyes
What helped me with that whole "letting go" concept was to separate "forgiveness" from "absolution". My parents owe me a childhood, but there's no possible way I could ever get that back. Even if my parents had suddenly become saints there's no way to "re-create" a childhood. That is a debt that is impossible to repay. So, like a bank that writes off a loan to a dead-beat as being more expensive to collect than to mark as "unpaid" I have given up on getting my childhood back. It's too expensive to me in terms of resentment and never-ending stess.
What I have _not_ done is "absolve" my parents of the responsibility for their actions. I told my father that if he ever came into the same state as my children I'd call his parole officer _and_ the cops. I went no contact with the whole bunch as they no longer had anything I wanted. They are still responsible, and what they do with that responsibility is up to them and their Higher Power. Both my biological parents have passed away from the disease, as did my uncle and an aunt. Another aunt never found recovery and died from anorexia.
That debt is "unpaid". But my "balance book" is doing just fine beacuse I have built a new life for myself, with a new family.
This is such a vital part of recovery without which we are blocked, destined to forever be bound to our childhoods. It is not easy, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. No they don't deserve forgiveness
, but we do. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ears-lies.html
DesertEyes
What helped me with that whole "letting go" concept was to separate "forgiveness" from "absolution". My parents owe me a childhood, but there's no possible way I could ever get that back. Even if my parents had suddenly become saints there's no way to "re-create" a childhood. That is a debt that is impossible to repay. So, like a bank that writes off a loan to a dead-beat as being more expensive to collect than to mark as "unpaid" I have given up on getting my childhood back. It's too expensive to me in terms of resentment and never-ending stess.
What I have _not_ done is "absolve" my parents of the responsibility for their actions. I told my father that if he ever came into the same state as my children I'd call his parole officer _and_ the cops. I went no contact with the whole bunch as they no longer had anything I wanted. They are still responsible, and what they do with that responsibility is up to them and their Higher Power. Both my biological parents have passed away from the disease, as did my uncle and an aunt. Another aunt never found recovery and died from anorexia.
That debt is "unpaid". But my "balance book" is doing just fine beacuse I have built a new life for myself, with a new family.
Life Health Prosperity
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Kialua, I've had a problem with forgiving my alcoholic father and he has been gone for over 25 years. Yes, you're never gonna have a childhood again. I'm done blaming any human being for any of my problems. All the anger, resentment, bad feelings, negative thinking, whatever, is a waste of time. I do my best to think about things that are important and relative to my well being. I'm learning how to let it go and move on with my life. I hope you resolve the issues you have.
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neferkamichael, yes forgiving was the hardest thing I ever did, but I did forgive my parents a long time ago. You can read about it in my blog if you like. I think this explanation of forgiveness from Dessert Eyes is so helpful I wanted to bump it again and would like to see it in the stickies for future reference.
Glad you are working on it also, good luck!
Glad you are working on it also, good luck!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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I imagine that once my mother dies, I may forgive her, the reason I cannot do it today is because she is 86, still drinking and still abusing everyone who comes into her contact.
She has been drinking for 65 years, she is and was a lousy parent, and somehow her physical health is still good...her mind...well, that's another issue.
She has been drinking for 65 years, she is and was a lousy parent, and somehow her physical health is still good...her mind...well, that's another issue.
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Originally Posted by Kialua 
... would like to see it in the stickies for future reference....
Which actually felt kinda funny sticking something that I wrote. Bit of the old ACoA "I am not good enough" poked it's head into my mind. But only for a second, after all, it's the wonderful peeps here on SR that like it so I can listen to _you_ all and ignore those "old tapes".
Mike
p.s. Thanx for the compliment
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