darkknight

I’ve been robbed, Im angry yet happy that I am able to see my parent for what she is. A sick twisted addict who made us all suffer. I grew up for so long thinking I was the problem, It lead me down the life of sex and drugs and rock and roll, with a whole lot of crime and self destruction in my path. I abused myself from an early age, never knowing why. I got clean a couple of times, and the last 12 years Ive been clean and sober and have rebuilt my life. As my mom aged, and closes in on 80, it became important to me to make peace with her and try to create some loving memories as I carried a lot of guilt because of my past and what I put my family through.
Ive tried to be a better son at this stage and its been so hard as she really gets under my skin. But finally, I understand why. My mom has been lying to me for decades and has hidden her own addictions (mostly gambling) from us. Once it became it exposed and I seen the addict in her, my life past before me and I saw for the first time..everything. I felt chains fall off me, I felt for the first time...I wasn't too blame. And then darkness flooded over me, but the light of truth of my past shun on all those areas of my life I didn't understand. My flaws, my issues, my wreckage.
I dont know what I'm trying to get at here...I just need to be understood for a moment. My mom isn't talking to me, I unloaded on her pretty good and of course she isn't accepting any responsibility for any of it. Shes just doing the poor me routine and telling me IM going to give her a nervous breakdown. She has my older brother convinced its me that needs help dealing with all this anger towards her. I know I will never get the words I need from her and Im OK with that, kind of. I just need someone to say they know what IM going through cause IM feeling pretty lonely, My wife understands, but not in the same way as someone who has experienced it would.
A part of me wants to write her off, and that makes me feel some kind of guilt. I dont need to win here, I don't need to prove I'm right...cause inside I know...she was sick and didn't ever really love me, and that bit of truth releases so much weight...but knowing the days of her life our short and being 12 years clean and sober myself, I want to mend the relationship. But to mend means to put back to how it was, and how it was, was abusive and sick...I guess I still wants a Rockwell mother picture perfect family that never was...its ok to let it go, right?
sorry for this live journal of confusion...

Kialua

Wow darkknight thanks for sharing. I had a Mom that just didn't care too. My Dad was the Alcoholic but she was the enabler and never cared for us kids. She always did that same thing, when I would get mad and yell at her she would feighn an illness and go to the emergency room. Because of her advanced age she would get the full treatment (and loved it) but never once did they find anything wrong with her. She would just get us all worried about her dying or having a stroke and she lived to 97! Then after each bout she would claim a stroke that took away her memories of abuse and neglect but still could recall all the details of each and every house we lived in and all the other endless details. Lies.

I found it vital to my mental health to forgive both of my (deadbeat) parents. It just isn't worth it to make yourself crazy over them not loving you. And I quit expecting any Norman Rockwell version of parents. I was cordial and nice on holidays, but detached emotionally. Did my duty as a child but didn't ask for anything in return.

Love yourself now and your family, be the best you can be for them. I have posted before that I never cared from a very young age that my parents didn't love me. Why would I want such monsters to love me? I knew in my heart I was better than them and I didn't need them to tell me so even though I had my rough years. If and when you can forgive her you will see them with pity. But don't let it ruin your life anymore.

We really do understand you here. This is a great place to read old posts and see that you are not alone. Good luck.

dollydo

Darkknight,

So many of our stories mirror each others in so many ways. My mother is the main alcoholic in my life, she has been drinking for 65 years or so, she is 85 and is in good health, my concern is that she will live for another 10 years.

She has made my life a living hell, she is mean, nasty and manipulative. She is a drama queen who has missed her calling, she should have been on the stage.

I have bounderies in place, she clearly understands them, yet, she keeps testing. Twice in my adult life I have gone no contact, once for 4 years and once for 10 years, the happiest years of my adult life.

Without going into alot of details, she ruined my childhood, she has attempted to ruin my adult life, I am now in retirement and I'll be d@mned if I will allow her to ruin that, I am on the verge of going no contact yet again.

My mother's father said to me "Your mother is evil, be careful", and he was right,she is.

You are not alone, we care, we are here to support you!

DesertEyes

Hello darkknight, and welcome to SoberRecovery

Congratulations, and well done. 12 Years is awesome.

No need to explain yourself, we all understand. My parents were both alkies, my old man the abusive kind, my mother the distant, cold type. Uncles, grandparents, all "dysfunctional". Some alcoholics, some pedophiles, on and on. I ran away from home when I was 12 years old, lived on the street for a few days until I was starving, then snuck back into the house.

Nobody noticed. Nobody even knew I had been gone for _days_. That's when I had my own "moment of clarity". These people that gave birth to me are ill, and this place is dangerous for a child. So I kept running away, each time for longer periods until I figured out how to survive on my own. Discovered that on the street I got pretty much the same treatment as I did at home, except I got _paid_ for it.

I got older, got involved with the wrong crowd, got into fast cars and faster women. Became alcoholic and had my "bottom" while living in a trash dumpster. Got into AA and my life ever since has been better than anything I ever imagined. Got married, helped raised a child into a lovely, responsible and capable woman. She has 4 of her own and just last year I was able to claim the title of "great-grandpa"

So even though the details of my past are different than yours, the feelings are the same.

IF you take a little time to read through all the stories posted here, and in the other Friends and Family forums "next door", you will see that addicts all behave pretty much the same way. Regardless of _what_ they are addicted to.

hmmmm... that's not the way it works for me. I've done my ammends, and continue to do them whenever I am wrong. The way "ammend" works for me is to fix what I broke. Not what somebody else broke. I made ammends for the harm _I_ caused with _my_ behavior, but that's it. The harm other people have done _to_ me is between them and their higher power.

That's the difference between the steps for addicts, and the steps for those who have been harmed _by_ addicts.

I sure did. Instead I went and found me a _new_ family, what we call here in ACoA the "family of choice". Many years ago my father-in-law remarried a sweet, lovely lady. They were both in their 80's at the time. She had no kids of her own, and all her relatives had passed. She and I really hit it off, so we decided to adopt each other. She is now my "mom", and she calls me "son". I call her on the phone every Sunday and she tells me of her adventures in the old folks home. I go visit whenever I can afford it, and sometimes when I can't. There's a charming young woman back home who went thru a nasty nightmare of a marriage and wound up in al-anon right when I was terribly ill. Along with several other kind folk she took me into her home when I was too sick to take care of myself. Later on I was able to pay her back that favor. Ever since she has called me "bro". Her sponsor is married to my sponsor so it kinda fits * lol *

I have my own "family" now, and it works for me.

Yup. Sure is.

What helped me with that whole "letting go" concept was to separate "forgiveness" from "absolution". My parents owe me a childhood, but there's no possible way I could ever get that back. Even if my parents had suddenly become saints there's no way to "re-create" a childhood. That is a debt that is impossible to repay. So, like a bank that writes off a loan to a dead-beat as being more expensive to collect than to mark as "unpaid" I have given up on getting my childhood back. It's too expensive to me in terms of resentment and never-ending stess.

What I have _not_ done is "absolve" my parents of the responsibility for their actions. I told my father that if he ever came into the same state as my children I'd call his parole officer _and_ the cops. I went no contact with the whole bunch as they no longer had anything I wanted. They are still responsible, and what they do with that responsibility is up to them and their Higher Power. Both my biological parents have passed away from the disease, as did my uncle and an aunt. Another aunt never found recovery and died from anorexia.

That debt is "unpaid". But my "balance book" is doing just fine beacuse I have built a new life for myself, with a new family.

No worries. You are doing much better than I. You should see the _looooooong_ posts I write. I can really ramble when I get going.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

darkknight

thanks Mike, I appreciate the empathy a lot. I feel like such a fool, being an addict my whole life and never seeing the "source" of a lot of my issues. I guess I just refused to see it but wow, its like being in the matrix isnt it
doesnt stop the hurt, and the funny thing is..I feel the hurt for her losing me and not me losing her, if that makes sense.
My kids, my life...the world that grace built around me. I went from street living, jails, bad relationships and on and on and on, to getting clean, trusting god, building my own successful business, great home in a great community, 3 kids, soccer dad, hockey dad, friends with cops, people trusting me and wanting to be around me..this life, IS NOT THE HAND I WAS DEALT...
so yeah, Im not sad cause of what I didnt have, I just see this woman I called mom..and see how much she missed out on and all she will continue to miss. Also not sure what the best way to explain to my kids why she isnt a part of of life and why she has blacklisted me. They understand, I just lay it on the line..but they dont understand why it just cant change for the better. Like a reset button, cant we just reboot her and start fresh kind of attitude.
anyways..thanks everyone.

doublewhammy

I understand. I really do.

It's okay to let it go.

Take care of you.

Willybluedog

So glad that you could claw your way out of what you started with to raise 3 beautiful children, I am so very happy for you, take care.

micealc

Darknight......................You are doing great like I am myself.I hated Dad for most of my Life.................I got a chance to meet my Real Dad...as he and I got older.I made Peace with him before he Died............Most of the Anger Left.

My Mam was a Benzo Addict...................this also had a Life long affect on me.
Im dealing with this as Best I can applying ACA 12 Steps recovery and Living in the Solution.Good Luck.

EveningRose

I can really relate to the feeling of unreality, wondering how I missed it. My father was diagnosed as a dry drunk, by a professional, in the wake of beating up my mother. I watched him drink his three rum and cokes and fall asleep in front of the television every night. And yet somehow, I guess because he held a responsible job, never missed a day of work, never passed out on the floor, I somehow thought we weren't exactly an alcoholic family.

Congratulations on a better life!

My kids also struggle with the situation. The older ones go visit my parents by themselves and have at least once told people I 'don't get along with my family.' This really hurts, as, to me, that's like accusing a little old lady of 'not getting along with' a mugger. I know my kids wouldn't tolerate being treated by anyone the way my family treats me. But they want those big family holidays again, they just want it all to go away.

Kialua

That's a great quote and so true! I relate to this a lot.

bluebelle

I understand very well. My mom is an addict and my dad is an alcoholic. I have actually learned to forgive my mom for her behavior. I have not absolved her at all. Actually, I am on limited contact with her. I don't know that our relationship will ever be repaired, b/c I'm not sure she'll ever stop her behavior. The feeling of forgiveness came in a moment after I heard that she had attempted suicide (for the second time). Somehow, I was able to let go. I feel better. She doesn't know about my forgiveness, b/c this is about me, not about her.

I have not been able to reach the point of forgiveness with my father yet. I am sure that I will never be able to "repair" that relationship. I don't see him changing, and so there is nothing I can do.

I don't see anything wrong with "writing her off," if that's what you need to do. I have had to learn detachment from my mom. Her drama is continual, and I cannot afford to be pulled into her mess. I can't be involved in her mess and stay sane. So, I think you need to do what is best for you and for your sobriety.