lifeinablur

....even if you're not an addict yourself? do you ever congratulate yourself for 'making it' ...for not being the thing you grew up hating, for not going down the same dark alley.

and then you think to yourself....well wait a minute....i DID go down that dark alley. in a way.

i AM an addict, of sorts. i suffer from obsession.

i sense the threads or seeds of destruction in my own mind every day. i am not an alcoholic - but my father is. i am not a paranoid schizophrenic - but my mother is. and i feel every morning, as i go about my day, bored and just this side of being in control, how close i am to the edge....

all i have to think about is myself and my family. i am bored, i have to admit. being at home makes me bored. but working out in the world, i am only distracted, busy, well, happier maybe, even if more stressed out. but i can still feel like if i just alter the picture slightly - just one nudge - and i'd be over the edge. do i like living there? i don't know. i seem to be there, on the edge, no matter what, without choosing to be. no matter what.

i don't know what i'm trying to say. i just know members of my family have always struggled to stay in control of themselves, with some luck, sometimes not.

and i see why, in my own mirror, in my own mind, why that is.

just one day at a time. i pray that i will be normal. that i will feel normal.

thanks for listening. i didn't take my meds yesterday, i don't think. i need one of those pill dividers for each day of the week. i definitely took them today. i definitely need them.

i hope i am strong enough to make it through the day. my husband just doesn't understand. he thinks you take away the thing that was my problem, take away the desctructive focus, and i'll be fine.

its not that easy. i find something else. or i turn inward and destroy myself, instead.

i feel so helpless in the fight against the wild, spinning thing that is in my mind sometimes. and so alone. therapy doesn't help. you can't reach into my mind and scrub out all the things i think about.

that's all.

Willybluedog

I understand,

How easy would it be when the demons are at the door to just open it up and let them in.

Maybe not demons, maybe the Sirens that wooed the sailors with their song until they crashed onto the rocks, that is closer to how I feel, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, gambling, violence, they whisper to me, "come back to us", "we miss you", "we know you miss us even if you will not admit it".

But that is when I must sit still, quiet my mind, think about the person I am now, the life I have now, what I could lose by attempting to sail to the Sirens, your right, therapy does not calm those voices, you must be strong, you must be vigilant, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

If you would like to talk, I will be here to listen.

Bill

dollydo

I could easily become addicted to gambling, I practice control and avoidance.

EveningRose

Seeds of addiction? I think so. I don't drink, smoke, gamble, none of those addictions. But I admit I struggle with being very deeply involved in work, feeling there's never enough time for things, and then wondering if my kids are going to grow up feeling I was emotionally absent.

I hope not, because we have dinner together, I still read them bedtime stories occasionally, up until 6 weeks ago, we prayed together as a family several nights a week before bed, I talk with them in the car rather than listening to music, and have tried hard these last few years to stop what I'm working on to listen when they want to tell me something.

Then I worry that they're learning they can interrupt me anytime, which will carry over into how they treat other people.

I worry about other behaviors that may have the same effect on them--my fight against depression and snapping into depressions quickly, even though I fight hard to bring myself out of those and not let a down mood affect them.

lifeinablur

i worry that my children will think i am emotionally absent as well. and i go back and forth with thinking this behavior or that behavior is going to teach them to react in a certain way, that will become a bad habit eventually. sometimes that will spiral out of control.

thanks for the replies.

Willybluedog

I am the stay at home parent so my kids (11 & 13) pretty much have access to me whenever they want.

My wife is a nurse and she has a crazy schedule, but when she is home the kids lay on the bed with her about an hour before they go to bed, they talk, the play puzzle words on the kindle, sometimes they just share the bed while they all read.

Our kids know that when she is home, no matter what else happens, they will get that hour with mom, it is nice to watch them all together.

That consistency really helps them stay calm.

m1k3

Lord do I know what that is like. However I have found something that works for me. I have started meditating and doing a simple zen style meditation. I get comfortable, usually laying on the floor with some candles lit. Set the timer for how long I want to meditate which for me is usually 15 to 25 minutes and then lay there and count breaths. When I get to 10 I start again at one. If I get distracted by thoughts, emotions or a daydream that's ok and I start counting again at one. I have been doing this for a couple of months now and I notice a big difference in my thinking. It is not near as obsessive as it once ways and when I do find myself getting that way a couple of deep breaths will usually bring me back to a calmer state of mind. Also my thoughts have changed quite a bit, I almost never have the angry violent thoughts that were normal for me when I was dealing with the alcoholic or under any kind of stress.

BTW when I started I was only doing 5 minutes at a time.

Your friend,

dollydo

OOPPS...also should have mentioned that when I worked in corporate america, I was indeed a workalcholic...never did overcome that addiction...

lifeinablur

sounds like yoga, the breathing techniques....thanks for the suggestion, i may try it.