fallingtogether

I am tired of the cycle. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Almost daily drinker, but when I put my mind to it I can, as you say, put some 24hrs together, and then I slp up and drink again. Then I drink again because I am upset with myself, and the cycle starts all over. Not a day drinker, mostly at night at home, go out sometimes. Always faithful, never cheated. No dui's, no horrible rock bottom. I have been in and out of aa over the course of the past year, my husband doesn't really support me ging, although, he doesn't not support it either. He just is kinda like whatever. I suppose my willingness to handit over to my higher power shouldn't really depend on his level of support, although I let it, and I use it as an open door. I am really struggling with it right now. I just want to be in a program and work the steps. I have a sponsor, I guess you could call her that, she has not told me what to do, just show up at meetings so far. I need immediate action, I need to be doing the work. I get more out of this forum than I do at any aa meeting, so I wonder if it's actually worth going to meetings. I just don't know, and not knowing what to do certainly isn't keeping me sober. I guess I could honestly say that I feel like I am letting others down if I don't stay in the aa program, but if it's not teaching me anything, then why go? Thanks for taking the time to read, and please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I attempt this journey once again. Have a peaceful day, Jane.

Sapling

Get another sponsor....Keep going to meetings...Read the book...Until it starts to make sense to you. Find a sponsor that will take you through the steps ASAP. It works and it sounds like you want to work it.

Dee74

Welcome Jane

I think SR's great - but if being here's not keeping you sober, I think you need to consider other options as well...

If you think AA's not your thing - there are many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Visit our Secular Connections forum if you're interested in a non 12 step approach.

D

instant

It is a learning thing Jane. We start of addicted, we have to break free. If you keep trying you will eventually get it right.

Then I drink again because I am upset with myself, and the cycle starts all over

This is part of the perpetuation of the addiction.

I came to the conclusion that the way alcohol affects the way we think and feel has many complexities, the end result of which is always that we need a drink to get out of the way we are experiencing ourselves and our situation.

fallingtogether

Thanks for your encouraging words. I guess my battle with in right now, is actually the learning part. I just feel like I am showing up at meetings and listening to others talk about working the steps, but they aren't really telling me "how". I need someone to sit down with me and tell me... Face to face in black and white.... I never really considered myself a slow learner, but I guess when it comes to changing my life trial and error just isn't enough. And yes, to me it's sad that I recognize the problem and I want it to change, but I'm lingering in the shadows, unsure of what to do next. I know that it's physically more than just stopping drinking, it's the mental game too.

justhadenough

I've just read Rational Recovery and found it very helpful. Different things work for different people. It's more focused on personal responsibility and teaches you ways of switching off your mind to not picking up that drink. Kind of hard to explain but worth a read. good luck

fallingtogether

I called my sponsor and told her that I drank this weekend. I told her that I need her to give me an assignment or something. I need to feel like I am progressing, not just showing up at meetings. I told her that when I hear people say they are working the steps, I need to be able to relate to them, to understand what they are talking about. So, she reluctantly told me to read step 1 until I have it almost memorized. I can be happy with that. She is going to call me tonight. I like that. I want to check in with her. I can do this. I do believe!

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

desertsong

Welcome, Chardonnay.

It sounds to me like you might need a new sponsor, one who will take you through the steps and be available to help you put them into action. My sponsor has given me step homework to do, and it has been very helpful. I have the BB and the 12&12, but needed guidance as to how to actually "work" the steps.

I'm attaching a link to a Google search I did on 12 step "homework." There are sites that have worksheets, etc. and other suggestions that you might find helpful. I like doing the worksheets because they have helped me to really examine my alcoholism and what the costs have been to me. Many of the questions brought up things I had never realized or thought of before. After doing a few of the worksheets, I realized what everyone at AA says about "working" the steps. It's not enough to just know what they are, you have to put them into action to get the results.

I hope you will find this helpful. I'm not trying to push AA on you, as everyone has their own path to recovery, but if you can use this, I hope you will get some good out of it.

Wishing you all the best!

aa 12 steps workbook - Google Search

fallingtogether

Thank you so much! I actually got out my 12&12 and had some worksheets a close aa friend gave me. I am currently doing an online aa meeting right now. I hope that with the grace of god, I can do this. Gosh, even the worksheets on step 1 are rigorously honest..... I will be ok, at least for today. And will pray and keep praying for tomorrow! Jane.

Sapling

I did a lot of praying doing those steps...Mostly for willingness and honesty...That came in handy.

ElegantlyWasted

Welcome! As mentioned above different things work for different people. I tried AA for a while last time and met a lot of great people and got a lot out of it (like the worksheets your doing), yet decided it wasn't quite right for me. If you feel you're stagnating, maybe get a new sponsor, keep logging in here (as you mentioned) or RR SMART etc. As you mentioned its all about the cycle.

EarlHickey

Were is Rational Recovery, I can't find it.

Dee74

There's a few threads in our Secular Connections forum on AVRT (the basis of Rational Recovery) Earl

D

fallingtogether

Why do I feel like if after a month in the program I will be letting them down if I decide that aa isn't the right program? I am not saying at this point that's the case. I will work with my sponsor and see where it goes. But I just don't want to be the one they shake their head at. I hate hearing around those tables that this is the only program that works. Ugh, it's just so confusing to me. Like I said I have been in and out of the program for about a year. Longest stretch was 30 days. My previous sponsor never ever relapsed, and maybe I made excuses as to why we weren't compatible.... She had an entirely different life that I have, no kids, no husband, and was able to move away to maintain her sobriety. My new sponsor has relapsed, raised small kids and maintained a marriage, everything I am trying to do. I don't know why I think this time will be different, but I can feel it in my heart that I will get better from this disease, maybe working a few different angles. I know I'm rambling, I have been up since 3 this morning and I'm exhausted. Gonna go get some projects finished and head to bed!! Thanks all, what a great group of people!

fallingtogether

Oh, and she has 7 years of sobriety.

EarlHickey

Got it, thank you very much.

Dee74

I don't know why you feel that way, but I've learned if I've doing things more for other people than for me, it's not likely to work out

Seeing as you're in the programme, & no strong feelings either way, why not give AA a really decent genuine go - if it works for you - thats awesome

if it doesn't? there's a veritable laundry list of other approaches to try

D

justhadenough

Hello Earl

I bought it off Amazon. I'm in the UK though so not sure of its availability in the US.

MemphisBlues

If you have been in AA for a year and relapsing and not doing step work you surely need a real sponsor.

The AVRT (Rational Recovery) program is good stuff, but if AA agrees with you in principle, if the BB speaks to you, if you crave the face-to-face support found at meetings and after meetings and through sharing phone numbers and just hanging with sober AA members, then by all means please get a new sponsor.

A sponsor is someone who takes you through the steps, shares her experience with the steps, someone you have to be responsible to on your step work.

I'm not bashing your sponsor, it's just that many have different philosophies, and not necessarily the philosophy spelled you in the BB. You have been trying for a year, you do online meetings, you just really need a sponsor that will take you through this journey.

I have never heard someone tell another to read the first step until you memorize the chapter. I have written thousands of words on my Step 1. Send me a PM if you would like a work sheet that my sponsor and I like (she has been sober for 30 years).

You courage shouts through your post. Thanks for posting.

Get another sponsor. Share in meetings how you need to vigorously work the steps. Share that someone told you that the AA founders did the steps in days, not years.