Creekryder

New Year's Eve started out in my usual fashion—a few shots of brandy and a beer. By the time it was 12 p.m., I had consumed a fifth of brandy, 8 or ten beers and followed up with a half pint of schnapps for a nitecap. I soon slipped into the stupor of alcohol and sleep.

I awoke in the New Year morning in a dense fog. As I lay there assessing the condition of my body after the abuse, I could hear my pulse in my ears and feel the irregular palpitations of the skipbeat I have been acquiring when I push the amount of alcohol I intake. Checking my BP, the sphygmomanometer gave me a reading of 173/92, a very disturbing blood pressure reading. I was well in the red zone of high blood pressure. I looked like crap, felt like it, too, and then found the element I had been missing—the desire to once again quit the poison.

Fear can be powerful ally. That basic instinct can provide the stimulus to run to safety when we are threatened by a danger to us. Alcohol certainly falls under that category. This threat is real and is trying to kill me. When I drink, the fear leaves and is replaced with a pair of rose-colored glasses that blocks true vision to what is actually occurring to my well-being. By being afraid has given me that missing catalysis to return to sobriety.

I returned to a healthy diet yesterday, took a 3 hour hike in the woods, and got a good night's rest. I woke this morning with a regular heartbeat again, BP is still high, but that will take time to reduce. I'm not much on pharmaceutical interventions but will return to my prescription for blood pressure regulation, at least until I return to a healthy life style ( when I was riding 10-20 miles a day on my bike and eating well, my BP returns to a normal range without the meds. When I returned to drinking, all that went out the window.)

So I embark on another attempt to clean myself up and return to the condition I was in this fall and pursue avenues to rid this affliction for good. I am one of those individuals that AA doesn't fit well. With many of you, it is your salvation. I need something else and must seek that for myself. I briefly looked at RR and will explore that with greater depth.

I, as many times before, thank you all for your support you have given me in the past and within the last couple of days. I appreciate each and everyone of your comments, encouragement, and suggestions. I may not agree with all that is said, but I know it comes from the heart and I find it a source of inspiration and strength. If it were not for my SR family, I probably would not continue my fight.

Peace,
Pádraic

doggonecarl

May this attempt be THE attempt that succeeds.

Sapling

You know what you have to do...However you do it doesn't really matter...As long as it changes the way you are living for the better. Best of luck to you in this new year.

SoCalDude

I'm close to Missouri too right now, let me know if you ever need a sober hiking buddy..

artsoul

So true..... and this is such a scary disease. To imagine that something could make us choose to destroy ourselves over and over again is mind-boggling. And it doesn't even stop with us - the damage goes out for miles, even generations.

When I quit it felt like 99.9% of my mind was covered in dark clouds, but there was still that .1% of sanity in there that managed to break through. I'm so glad you found your answer today, Creek.

Terminally Unique

There is an active discussion thread on AVRT in the Secular Connections forum if you are interested.

Anna

Padraic, I hope that you find a way to recover that works for you.

I'm so glad you posted.

Dee74

I'm glad you're back with us P

D

aasharon90

I like the "Man" you have as your aviatar.

He sits there looking cool and strong behind
his shades.

As an alcoholic myself, i hide behind a mask
for many yrs. until i began to face issues from
my past and present life. Working thru the why's
I drank to numb the emotional, physical, verbal
abuse I sustained then the lies to cover them
up so no one would know how much pain i
was dealing with inside.

Slowly I began to heal and found out I didnt
need to hide any longer because I am who I
am with no more lies or mask to hide behind.

Sobriety looks well on me today as im sure it
will on you too once you remove the shades
hiding your pretty and honest eyes.

Mammyof3boys

Thank you "artsoul." that is what I have been thinking a lot lately that the damage I am doing to myself with alcohol will pass onto my 3 boys if I don't make changes. The old commercial "I learned it by watching you dad" is so true. My mother decided to leave my alcoholic father when I was 4, actually leave him in another country (the UK) rather then let our lives be destroyed by his decisions. But then while I was a young girl snd then teenager she got very drunk before and during every social event we went to. Every weekend she drownded herself in beer. Not a great teacher. I don't blame her but I NEVER want my boys to see me like that. Thank God my eldest is only 6 and won't remember my poor decisions. Although I can remember a final image of my alcoholic father asleep on the bathroom floor as we fled our home. And I was only 4.

desertsong

Maybe you have finally discovered the one thing that will help you quit. Fear. I think that's been true for a lot of us. Fear of what the day will bring, fear of what this poison is doing to our bodies, fear for what it will do to our families and friends, fear of how it will affect our jobs ... it goes on and on. Living in fear is horrible and maybe just the FEAR of living in fear might be what it takes for you.

Good for you for giving it another try. You will make it and a sober 2012 will take away that fear and give you back your life. Congratulations!

Hevyn

I hope you will stay with us this time, Padraic - no matter what happens. I, too, was afraid for my life in the end. There was nothing but misery for me when I picked up - the good times were so long ago.

I know you can get back to where you were in the fall - and this time you never have to lose that feeling. Sending out some love and hope to you tonight.

Jeff63

Well articulated!

Next year on New Year's Eve, revisit what you wrote here.

Fallow

I rather like what you said about fear being an ally. When I woke up morning after my last drunk and realized the severity of my blackout I was never so full of fear in my life. That made my decision so much easier. Enough is enough.

laurie6781

(((((Creekryder)))))

I am happy to see that you are going to give sobriety another shot. Yes, AA is the salvation for many on here. And I won't lie, it was my salvation my first 3 to 5 years in recovery.

But you know that I advocate any 'program' that will help one obtain and maintain recovery.

The one thing that I have STRESSED for many years now, is no matter what method you try, it has TO BE YOUR ALL. For most of us there is a lot of 'crap' we have buried and that we really must get rid of in order to move forward.

So here's sending you some good thoughts and prayers that this is THE ONE for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

Terminally Unique

I realize that this is "heresy" in both RR and AA circles to acknowledge, but it is interesting that both approaches effectively arrive at the same end, though perhaps via different means. The 12 Steps provide a formalized method for restitution ("amends"), while AVRT strips the addicted person of any and all conceivable excuses and justifications for continuing their addiction, effectively forcing them to accept responsibility by default. It would be less than honest to try and deny my own personal preference, but it is interesting nonetheless.

Dee74

I agree no matter what method you use, a total commitment to not drinking is required.

Fear certainly got me started on this recovery road - and got me some way down it - but human beings being what we are, fear - even mortal fear - can fade...it did for me.

what I wish for you Padraic is that you'll have something to back you up and to call on if or when that happens for you

go for it, man

D

Creekryder

Truth rings loud in your statement. I do understand fear diminishes over time. It is the body's function to sort out immediate dangers from past dangers that aren't directly in front of its face.

I hope my quest to find sober friends will provide those "stabilizers" during the times of vulnerability. Thanks for the heads up.

Creekryder

Adding a brief update, I will be on my 9th day of sobriety. I am physically feeling much better. Altering my diet, adding exercise, and cutting out the booze, my BP has gone from 187/91 to 133/82. That is incredible. The first couple of days had my BP very high (a result of "cold turkey" quitting, and a reason to be very cautious in stopping in this manner, especially if you have been a heavy drinker.) Now things appear to be leveling out. I still have had zero cravings, to which I am thankful. I didn't need to contend with that during the blood pressure ordeal. Now it is continuing with what I have been doing and simply live.

Sapling

I'm happy for you man...Keep up the good fight.