I am a mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 490
I am a mess
I want to drink. I am convinced that drinking is the only thing that will save my marriage. Y'all know my husband is at the very least a "heavy" drinker. I'm convinced the only thing I have/had in common with him is drinking. If we didn't end up in a huge fight while drinking, it was the only time we would really get along or have fun together. I have figured out I also drank to escape the reality of my marriage, which is truly that I am married to a very abusive man. The pain of dealing with this while sober has just become too much. Without alcohol, I'm fully aware of just how terrible he is to me. And I'm terrified of being alone. Petrified. I stopped drinking to be true to myself, to be a better mother, wife, person. To get healthy. But it is ruining my marriage. Because of his abuse the only time I could have sex with him was when I was completely loaded. I haven't been able to since I got sober in August. Being sober has taken me out of denial and is ruining my marriage. I truly believe I need to be a drinker in order to save my marriage and pretend everything is ok. A divorce would devastate our youngest son. I can't make enough money on my own, and my oldest son has brain cancer. I feel trapped. Both options are terrible. I need to drink. To escape and handle the reality of my marriage and my life. To save my marriage. I'm so scared. I can't win here. Please help.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I agree with the gist of what Cydonia said Eliasson.
You're doing better for yourself and your son this way.
With everything you have going on in your life the last thing you want to do is drink - it's so so easy to be swamped that way. I've been there - it's utterly overwhelming.
We can rationalise anything to drink - in my experience, if your marriage really is built on drinking, you going back to drinking won't help it, not in the long run.
D
You're doing better for yourself and your son this way.
With everything you have going on in your life the last thing you want to do is drink - it's so so easy to be swamped that way. I've been there - it's utterly overwhelming.
We can rationalise anything to drink - in my experience, if your marriage really is built on drinking, you going back to drinking won't help it, not in the long run.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 11-25-2011 at 05:21 PM. Reason: misread
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Eliasson...although the dance you do with your husband is probably in lock-step with the dance you do with alcohol, they can be handled separately. It's the old chicken and egg adage, but it doesn't matter what came first, and who caused what. What matters is that you break both cycles. It sounds to me like you are in an area that requires a lot of strength and faith. I pray you'll find each.
I don't think I've heard in your posts that you are ready to give up on yourself and give in to your husband, or to alcohol, for that matter. Rather, I've heard the love you have for your children. You have to be strong about making a change, and I think you have it in you. In fact, your strength has inspired me along the road. Please don't give up or give in. Give it to God.
I don't think I've heard in your posts that you are ready to give up on yourself and give in to your husband, or to alcohol, for that matter. Rather, I've heard the love you have for your children. You have to be strong about making a change, and I think you have it in you. In fact, your strength has inspired me along the road. Please don't give up or give in. Give it to God.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Eliasson, what you should be trying to save here my friend is YOU, not an abusive marraige. I know at this "moment" you don't see that but I know you know that is the truth. You are doing so well. You have to start with fixing yourself...which in the long run nutures you sons. Someone has to start the fixing and it does not sound like it's your husband.
You can win...
You can win...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
I understand how you might be feeling this way but they're just feelings. And having a drunk for a mother and father can't be better for your son. I'm sure one sober, recovered parent is better than what he has now. Try to take a breath and think about that. Maybe some counseling to help you stand up for yourself also. I know I have to start going for the same reason. I'm not treated very well and our 4 kids need me. If I don't get treated better I'll have to figure out something. I'm not in an abusive relationship. Just not a good one and we need both salaries to make ends meet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I complelty understand how you feel. You are changing and you are starting to see reality and feel things. This si a beautiful thing in the long term you will realize it is the better way. Going back is no option. Onwards is the way to go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
I'm your soul sister, Eliasson. I bet we have lots of experiences in common.
Something that occured to me in the last year -- that has helped me get serious about recovery -- is that I was drinking to make myself "bad" enough to put up with my situation.
In other words, I knew I deserved better, but drinking/being drunk made me down on myself, made me feel worthless enough to go along with abusive behavior from my H.
Right now, I'm too new into recovery to make a Big Huge Change, and honestly I don't know what the future holds for my marriage. But I do know that I am going to stay sober and be a better me. I am stronger in that I put my recovery first, above pacifying my angry husband or trying to make him be reasonable. I'm starting to learn that his behavior isn't my department. Only mine is.
It is a very complicated and difficult thing. I feel that for me, I will be able to figure it out only if I'm not intoxicated all the time.
I'm reading a lot and have talked to a therapist (alone) quite a few times.
Are there ways you can focus on you right now, and not get distracted by the enormity of the problems with someone else?
Something that occured to me in the last year -- that has helped me get serious about recovery -- is that I was drinking to make myself "bad" enough to put up with my situation.
In other words, I knew I deserved better, but drinking/being drunk made me down on myself, made me feel worthless enough to go along with abusive behavior from my H.
Right now, I'm too new into recovery to make a Big Huge Change, and honestly I don't know what the future holds for my marriage. But I do know that I am going to stay sober and be a better me. I am stronger in that I put my recovery first, above pacifying my angry husband or trying to make him be reasonable. I'm starting to learn that his behavior isn't my department. Only mine is.
It is a very complicated and difficult thing. I feel that for me, I will be able to figure it out only if I'm not intoxicated all the time.
I'm reading a lot and have talked to a therapist (alone) quite a few times.
Are there ways you can focus on you right now, and not get distracted by the enormity of the problems with someone else?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Eliasson:
This is indeed a very difficult situation. Unfortunately the reality of it, and something which you can't escape (like other stuff where there is always a way out) is that alcohol, although it may seem to tide you over the rough spots, alcohol in the long run will destroy your marriage rather than "save" it and it will also destroy you. Although a divorce, as you say, may "devastate" your children alcohol will in the long run "devastate" them even more. Your enemy here,your real enemy, is alcohol.
Obviously you desperately need some kind of professional help in this. Are you getting it?
Others, no doubt many on this website, have been right where you are now and have been able to salvage their lives, if not their marriages. I defer to their wisdom as to how that is best done. I would say the the priority would be, if this were I, salvaging first myself, secondly, salvaging my kids and thirdly, salvaging my marriage.
W.
This is indeed a very difficult situation. Unfortunately the reality of it, and something which you can't escape (like other stuff where there is always a way out) is that alcohol, although it may seem to tide you over the rough spots, alcohol in the long run will destroy your marriage rather than "save" it and it will also destroy you. Although a divorce, as you say, may "devastate" your children alcohol will in the long run "devastate" them even more. Your enemy here,your real enemy, is alcohol.
Obviously you desperately need some kind of professional help in this. Are you getting it?
Others, no doubt many on this website, have been right where you are now and have been able to salvage their lives, if not their marriages. I defer to their wisdom as to how that is best done. I would say the the priority would be, if this were I, salvaging first myself, secondly, salvaging my kids and thirdly, salvaging my marriage.
W.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Eliasson, I am not hearing you say you want to drink. I am hearing you say you are afraid to face life (or what you fear it will be) sober.
That is a very different thing. IF all you wanted was to drink, then a drink would solve the problem. If what you need is help to address life, that is another situation entirely.
There is all sorts of help and support to help you address life, and a lot of those things will actually get you closer to where you want to be. Drinking will not do that.
I understand your fear. 25 yrs of marriage..gone. I know fear, loneliness, financial worry, frustration, rejection and exhaustion. Getting loaded doesn't truly address any of those issues.
Please don't try to delude yourself that living with two drunks is better for your son than living with a sober loving mom.
That is a very different thing. IF all you wanted was to drink, then a drink would solve the problem. If what you need is help to address life, that is another situation entirely.
There is all sorts of help and support to help you address life, and a lot of those things will actually get you closer to where you want to be. Drinking will not do that.
I understand your fear. 25 yrs of marriage..gone. I know fear, loneliness, financial worry, frustration, rejection and exhaustion. Getting loaded doesn't truly address any of those issues.
Please don't try to delude yourself that living with two drunks is better for your son than living with a sober loving mom.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Eliasson 
Being sober has taken me out of denial and is ruining my marriage. I truly believe I need to be a drinker in order to save my marriage and pretend everything is ok.
I'm sorry that you find yourself at this crossroads, but to drink is the worst option at your disposal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Eliasson,
Your post broke my heart. Probably because I was in a situation that was similar to yours. I don't want this to be all about me, but here's a snapshot:
I was married to a very successful man for 18 years. We lived in a gated community, and I was very, very happy to the outside world as long as I didn't have to deal with him (and sober for 15 years of those.) My ex-husband was extremely emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, and sexually abusive. No one knew about this (with the exception of two friends), and everyone thought I was the luckiest woman alive. I won't go into the details, but when I filed for divorce I discovered what I was really up against. He had spent nearly $50,000 on prostitutes, and had every room in the house bugged, along with our phone and my computer. I guess he was hoping I was doing something wrong, but I wasn't. I was totally devoted to him and my little life. I had done a very good job of denial.....until it got so bad I had no choice but to leave. (I would have left sooner if I would have realized what was really going on in addition to what I knew.) Bottom line, after a horrendous three years of filing for divorce and the divorce being final, I ended up with about $100,000. He had hidden his money overseas and I could not find it...and the business owner that he was working for cooked the books so it looked like he was making much less than he was. Ofcourse it didn't help that he hired the top attorneys in Atlanta who to this day I believe he bought the judge off. In other words, my divorce was hell. Then add that he was sleeping with my best friend for over five years, the one I told everything to. Wow. I am still not over that.
Why I am telling you this is that after all that I am still very, very glad I went through with it. I had no idea the abuse I experienced during my marriage was so bad....I think I got used to it, and I had a daughter to put through college and figured I had no choice. I had a lot of things going on myself, so basically I just ignored him, and played nice when I needed to. He did not physically abuse me because it would have shown.....but I am sure it would have escalated to that eventually. I ended up having to leave my home of 20 years, left Atlanta that I loved and had lived for 30 years, and moved to Austin Texas in the middle of the night....I left pretty much everything. Now instead of living in a million dollar house I live in a $130,000 house with used furniturings from Craigslist, and am having a really hard time making ends meet. But you know what? I am so much happier. I do understand your situation though, and would suggest you do what I should have done.....start planning. Can you put away a little every week? Can you join a support group that will help you with what you need to do to prepare? I know you have children, and a son with brain cancer.......man, that has got to be so, so difficult. I have a friend that is waiting until her kids get older to leave, and meanwhile she is saving every cent she can. Well, after all this I really don't have an answer. Abuse is never ok....and it gets worse, never better. My heart goes out to you. The one big thing that will make this worse is to drink....you know that. Come on, you are one of my favorite posters on this site....you inspire me so much. I am sorry that I don't have something enlightening to say. But whatever you do, don't drink. That would mean he is winning. I wish he realized what he has....you are a wonderful person. Please let us know how you are doing - Much love and hugs, Elizabeth
Your post broke my heart. Probably because I was in a situation that was similar to yours. I don't want this to be all about me, but here's a snapshot:
I was married to a very successful man for 18 years. We lived in a gated community, and I was very, very happy to the outside world as long as I didn't have to deal with him (and sober for 15 years of those.) My ex-husband was extremely emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, and sexually abusive. No one knew about this (with the exception of two friends), and everyone thought I was the luckiest woman alive. I won't go into the details, but when I filed for divorce I discovered what I was really up against. He had spent nearly $50,000 on prostitutes, and had every room in the house bugged, along with our phone and my computer. I guess he was hoping I was doing something wrong, but I wasn't. I was totally devoted to him and my little life. I had done a very good job of denial.....until it got so bad I had no choice but to leave. (I would have left sooner if I would have realized what was really going on in addition to what I knew.) Bottom line, after a horrendous three years of filing for divorce and the divorce being final, I ended up with about $100,000. He had hidden his money overseas and I could not find it...and the business owner that he was working for cooked the books so it looked like he was making much less than he was. Ofcourse it didn't help that he hired the top attorneys in Atlanta who to this day I believe he bought the judge off. In other words, my divorce was hell. Then add that he was sleeping with my best friend for over five years, the one I told everything to. Wow. I am still not over that.
Why I am telling you this is that after all that I am still very, very glad I went through with it. I had no idea the abuse I experienced during my marriage was so bad....I think I got used to it, and I had a daughter to put through college and figured I had no choice. I had a lot of things going on myself, so basically I just ignored him, and played nice when I needed to. He did not physically abuse me because it would have shown.....but I am sure it would have escalated to that eventually. I ended up having to leave my home of 20 years, left Atlanta that I loved and had lived for 30 years, and moved to Austin Texas in the middle of the night....I left pretty much everything. Now instead of living in a million dollar house I live in a $130,000 house with used furniturings from Craigslist, and am having a really hard time making ends meet. But you know what? I am so much happier. I do understand your situation though, and would suggest you do what I should have done.....start planning. Can you put away a little every week? Can you join a support group that will help you with what you need to do to prepare? I know you have children, and a son with brain cancer.......man, that has got to be so, so difficult. I have a friend that is waiting until her kids get older to leave, and meanwhile she is saving every cent she can. Well, after all this I really don't have an answer. Abuse is never ok....and it gets worse, never better. My heart goes out to you. The one big thing that will make this worse is to drink....you know that. Come on, you are one of my favorite posters on this site....you inspire me so much. I am sorry that I don't have something enlightening to say. But whatever you do, don't drink. That would mean he is winning. I wish he realized what he has....you are a wonderful person. Please let us know how you are doing - Much love and hugs, Elizabeth
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Elliason -
I don't really think you want to do what you're talking about doing. I think you just feel trapped and don't know where to turn.
Have you looked into getting any kind of help? There are resources out there (probably more than you realize). I was just looking at a shelter in Austin that provides apartments, counseling, services for children (including some educational ones), and help looking for jobs or even going back to school. The state has tons of services, too.
Have to talked to any family/friends? A local minister or mental health service? You need support right now and people to point you in the right direction. Just looking online or making a few phone calls could open up doors you don't even know are there.
Sending prayers and hugs to you...... You deserve so much more than what you're settling for.
I don't really think you want to do what you're talking about doing. I think you just feel trapped and don't know where to turn.
Have you looked into getting any kind of help? There are resources out there (probably more than you realize). I was just looking at a shelter in Austin that provides apartments, counseling, services for children (including some educational ones), and help looking for jobs or even going back to school. The state has tons of services, too.
Have to talked to any family/friends? A local minister or mental health service? You need support right now and people to point you in the right direction. Just looking online or making a few phone calls could open up doors you don't even know are there.
Sending prayers and hugs to you...... You deserve so much more than what you're settling for.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
But it is ruining my marriage.
If a dear friend of yours was in this situation—awakening from years of addiction, and realizing she was in an abusive marriage—what would you tell her to do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Ok, let me get this straight...you wanted to quit drinking to be a better person, a better mother, to be healthier and feel better about yourself, right? But you 'need' to drink to save your marriage?
You said the truth...you feel more comfortable in your bad marriage, drinking in your little bubble, in your comfort zone -rather than breaking out and realizing what a strong, independant woman you may become. That you really are.
If I may be so bold here, by drinking you are going to live a miserable existance with a man who you don't really love but won't leave because its convenient. You are not fooling me...there is no reason why on this God given earth that you can't break out of your shell, move out on your own, get a job -even if its part time (there is assistance & child support).
I am truly sorry of the medical problems you face with your son but staying home, drinking in an abusive relationship certainly isn't going to help his health. If anything, it will make it worse.
I was not happy in my marriage either...usually I drank when I knew it was 'love night'. He was over 20 years older than me and I felt secure, I was taken care of and I needn't worry about my future or how I'd pay my bills. I was always a stay at home Mom. And I drank partially to remain in my comfortable little bubble even though everyone was miserable.
But the love wasn't there and I was not going to live the rest of my life as a dependant drunk in a relationship that I wasn't really happy in. So.........
I packed up and moved out. Got myself a rental house. I quit drinking. I got a real job.
I worked out in the real world where people appreciated me. I didn't have to 'pretend' to be someone I was not. I was me and I was proud of that.
Being so far from my family I decided to pack up again -just me and my dog and drove 1488 miles across the country. Rented an apartment...got another job...live my own life, do as I please, remain sober and consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet because of all things I don't have, I still have me. And it's a happy sober me.
I'm sorry Eliasson....but a divorce (separation) may be in the best interest of your son and you are in no way trapped.
Wishing you the peace and strength to see your own potential and act on it. (((hug)))
You said the truth...you feel more comfortable in your bad marriage, drinking in your little bubble, in your comfort zone -rather than breaking out and realizing what a strong, independant woman you may become. That you really are.
If I may be so bold here, by drinking you are going to live a miserable existance with a man who you don't really love but won't leave because its convenient. You are not fooling me...there is no reason why on this God given earth that you can't break out of your shell, move out on your own, get a job -even if its part time (there is assistance & child support).
I am truly sorry of the medical problems you face with your son but staying home, drinking in an abusive relationship certainly isn't going to help his health. If anything, it will make it worse.
I was not happy in my marriage either...usually I drank when I knew it was 'love night'. He was over 20 years older than me and I felt secure, I was taken care of and I needn't worry about my future or how I'd pay my bills. I was always a stay at home Mom. And I drank partially to remain in my comfortable little bubble even though everyone was miserable.
But the love wasn't there and I was not going to live the rest of my life as a dependant drunk in a relationship that I wasn't really happy in. So.........
I packed up and moved out. Got myself a rental house. I quit drinking. I got a real job.
I worked out in the real world where people appreciated me. I didn't have to 'pretend' to be someone I was not. I was me and I was proud of that.
Being so far from my family I decided to pack up again -just me and my dog and drove 1488 miles across the country. Rented an apartment...got another job...live my own life, do as I please, remain sober and consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet because of all things I don't have, I still have me. And it's a happy sober me.
I'm sorry Eliasson....but a divorce (separation) may be in the best interest of your son and you are in no way trapped.
Wishing you the peace and strength to see your own potential and act on it. (((hug)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Eliasson:
I think you've received some good feedback on this site and, although some of it may seem a bit tough to swallow it seems to be pointed in the right direction. Let me just add one more P.S. You say that you are a "mess". But that you're trying to stop drinking. That part's not a "mess". That could be a wonderful beginning. A new beginning. You're in a "mess". That's for sure. And if you are your kids are. But you can do something about that. The first step is to realize that alcohol is your bitter enemy and that, with help, you can stop drinking. And if you do that you can and will find your way out of the "mess". Because you won't be a "mess". You don't have to be, you don't want to be and with help you won't be. You say you "can't win" here. You can and, what's more, you can't afford to lose. And, above all, you can't afford to drink. Good luck.
W.
I think you've received some good feedback on this site and, although some of it may seem a bit tough to swallow it seems to be pointed in the right direction. Let me just add one more P.S. You say that you are a "mess". But that you're trying to stop drinking. That part's not a "mess". That could be a wonderful beginning. A new beginning. You're in a "mess". That's for sure. And if you are your kids are. But you can do something about that. The first step is to realize that alcohol is your bitter enemy and that, with help, you can stop drinking. And if you do that you can and will find your way out of the "mess". Because you won't be a "mess". You don't have to be, you don't want to be and with help you won't be. You say you "can't win" here. You can and, what's more, you can't afford to lose. And, above all, you can't afford to drink. Good luck.
W.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Toronto area
Posts: 67
Being sober isn't ruining your marriage, it may be the one thing that gives you the strength to save yourself and your family. Look at where you are now, where do you think you will be in five years? Drinking never stays the same, it only gets worse. This is not an environment for you or your son to be in. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is an appropriate way for a man to treat a woman? And don't you want your own life back? You need to realize that you deserve to be happy and safe. Don't give up the sobriety, it is one true thing you have going for you. Stay sober and you will gain the strength to make the best life for yourself and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Eiiasson,
I am just posting to you as a sign of respect and support.
What previous posters have advised is very clear.
The shared personal experience of abusive relationships and the outcomes must be encouraging.
All the best
CaiHong
I am just posting to you as a sign of respect and support.
What previous posters have advised is very clear.
The shared personal experience of abusive relationships and the outcomes must be encouraging.
All the best
CaiHong
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
