siblingofaddict

A couple months ago, my boyfriend of 2.5 years ended things with me over the phone while away on a business trip. What followed was a very messy breakup where I did all the wrong things and didn't see/wasn't ready for opportunities to show him that I "got it" and was making changes in myself. While it is a very complicated situation, the shortest possible way to give you background is this: I come from a dysfunctional family with an addict for a brother, and my parents passed on much of the burden to me for the past two years. I met my boyfriend while abroad in Argentina, and was away from the family drama and psychological triggers when we fell in love. After a year of a long distance relationship, my boyfriend moved to my city (which I stubbornly refused to leave), even lived with me and my family, and got drawn into the family addiction cycle. He put up with more than anyone ever should, I put up with more than I should have, and it took losing him to take a step back and see the crazy for what it is. I now see the many issues I brought into our relationship, both from unresolved trauma in my life and ongoing events, and am taking dramatic steps to alter my way of communicating, living and loving. I'm in the NARA-NON program for families of addicts, psychotherapy and the process of moving out and away from my family. If he hadn't walked away from me, I probably never would have had the courage to do this.

While I realize I still have more work to do before I am ready for a full-on relationship again, I don't want to lose the chance I can still work with him to rebuild a new relationship (slowly). Last we spoke, he mentioned being friends was all he could do, maybe, but I was not ready for that. After over two weeks of no contact (to heal and work on myself), I finally called him a week ago, and we have been playing phone tag ever since. To be honest, I am at the point where I was ok with him not calling because I had no expectations. However, I want to figure out how to proceed in order to get him back in my life, before he moves away like he is thinking of doing in a few months. There's very little advice out there for someone like me, who has been through trauma and brought it into their relationship on almost every level, but is now getting help and changing everything. I know how much he cared and cares about me still, but was incredibly hurt by me. Additionally, I know he is going through a rough patch himself - I'm sure time is one answer, but I think he is the love of my life and my family dysfunction (and my role in it) ruined our relationship. What do I do to get him back? Or even convince him to open lines of communication again? What can I say to get him to give me enough of an opening that I can SHOW him the changes he won't believe when I tell him about them?

Kialua

I have no experience in this issue, but your ex bf seems to need to clear his head from the craziness. You seem to need to work on yourself. I think you both need a break to concentrate on getting back to normal.

I know about my sibling's craziness affecting my life and my husbands but when there is no lifelong commitment it makes it that much easier to pick up and leave. Again, admittedly I have my own issues with living together and this is one reason why. But please focus on yourself and let happen whatever happens. Maybe with enough calm from you he will miss you. But if you keep chasing him, not so much.

Welcome here, there is a lot to learn here from many wonderful people. Hope you stay well.

Willybluedog

Welcome Sib,

It is so hard for someone who is not used to this kind of drama to understand how it affects us.

I would suggest you direct him to this site and have him read the sticky on characteristics of an ACOA and some of the stories here, maybe he will better understand how family of addicts react.

He may just not be able to have the kind of relationship with you that you want, have you suggested couples counseling?

Best of luck to you, come back often and let us know how you are doing.


Bill

dbh

Dear Siblingofaddict,

Thank you for sharing your story. I too come from a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic his entire life and even though my parents divorced when I was 15 the rest of us continued to have extremely unhealthy relationships with each other. I didn't truly understand the magnitude of the dysfunction until I was in my mid-thirties and struggling with a number things in my own life. I'm in my late forties now and the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home is something that I continue to work on.

You didn't mention your age, but I'm thinking that you're in your twenties. It's wonderful that you're addressing your family issues now.

From my own experience, changing for someone else never worked for me. As a matter of fact, being a "people pleaser" and trying to figure out what others wanted me to be was part of my problem. I had boyfriends who would get frustrated with me and point out my codependent issues. This caused me to spend more time thinking about them/our relationship and less time thing about me and what I actually wanted to do with my life.

Recovery is a gift that I am giving to myself.

Best wishes as you start on your own recovery journey.

Warm Regards,

db

dbh

Just came back from a walk with my dog and I thought of something else ...

Over the course of my life people have come & gone and others have been a part of my life for a significant amount of time (25+ years). In the relationships that have continued, it involved an active effort from both of us to keep the relationship healthy. It's usually never one person's fault when a conflict occurs and resolving a conflict usually requires a willingness to give and take from both parties.

The healthy relationships in my life have required very little "work" to keep them going. When I find myself thinking about ways to "make" another person do something, see something, change, or feel differently about a given subject it's a red flag for me that I'm heading in the wrong direction.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

siblingofaddict

Thank you so much everyone for sharing. I am in fact 23 and while I am happy that losing this person in my life made me realize I needed help, I am struggling with the loss. The resentment I have against my parents and my brother, now that I can see things more clearly, makes is difficult to have any relationship with them. Also difficult to handle is the anger against myself for letting it get to this point and not getting help earlier.

NARANON/Al-Anon helps, but nothing will help with the loss of my ex in my life. However, like dbh says, Recovery is a gift - and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to change before I fall into patterns that mess up more of my relationships and life. (My mother is an ACOA and still does not see how it effected her, or how her ACOA issues have effected me.). I'm so willing to change behaviors of mine and alter mindsets to more positive ones...it's just a slow process and a daily struggle. (Note: I am not changing for him, but because of him. Losing him, plus a recent event where my brother became violent during a relapse, was enough to make me realize I had a problem. With or without my ex, I can't ever go back to being and acting the way I was, even if I wanted to.)

However, I did talk to my ex (last night) and tell him whats going on in my life - not the finer details, but just that I had crossed the line and was in recovery, moving out, in a program and therapy - and I am not going back. I didn't plead my case with him, just told him I had made up my mind to not continue my role in the cycle of family addiction. To be honest, he has a lot of pent-up rage at my parents and brother for treating me (and him) the way that they did/do.

I would really like to direct him to some ACOA characteristics and resources so he can understand that I love him and never meant to hurt him - and can change the way I think and behave away from the negative behaviors and mindsets I have. Willybluedog recommended this - but I'm not sure how someone would react to it?

GingerM

Exactly. You can't "make" him do anything he doesn't want to do.

One of the issues that ACoA's often have is an inability to see boundaries - either their own or others'. He has set a very clear boundary:

That is a boundary. That is him saying that he's done. It's a difficult truth to accept, but he has set a boundary. You can attempt to walk on his boundary by trying to make him come back to you, but in doing so, all you will do is alienate him further. If he loves you, he will come back to you. If he doesn't? How much of your life do you want to spend chasing down a futile path? At the best it is a colossal waste of time, irritating to him and defeating your own stated goal. At the worst, you'll become a stalker.

Keep working on you. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and for future relationships. If he can't accept you or doesn't want to be with you anymore, there is nothing you can do to "make" him.

It's painful, yes. It's also painful to have one's boundaries trampled by someone else.

dbh

I just wanted to add that I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now. I know that it's difficult and painful to see your family's dysfunction. I remember once reading about how having your denial taken away is like having a security blanket taken away. All of a sudden you see things differently and your world gets turned upside down.

To deal with this and also the loss of a long-term boyfriend must be hard. I am sorry that you are in pain right now.

You are actually very lucky that you are addressing this at a young age though. Breaking the cycle of dysfunction is difficult, but think about the wonderful future ahead for you and your potential future children!

When I find I'm getting frustrated with myself for not getting help sooner or not progressing fast enough, I find comfort in knowing that my life is working out exactly as it is suppose to. The positive and negative experiences have made me who I am and for the most part, I am happy with who I am right now.

The past is something that I can not change even if I wanted to. Just like I can't change the family in which I was born.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Keep coming back!

Hugs,

db

siblingofaddict

GingerM, this is so true about boundaries...in fact I think my inability to see boundaries anywhere in my life was the single biggest problem in he and I's relationship (and probably my life to date). I don't want to "make" him do anything...at this point the only thing I want to ask of him is to be open to communicating with me, and seeing where it goes...

I think I misrepresented my intentions in this thread...I do love him and I think that with the changes I'm making in my life, he and I could be happy together again - but I don't want to force him to anything, just create the opportunity for him to see the changes he thought I would never make, and maybe we could slowly rebuild something.

After our messy breakup, which was messy precisely because I could not respect/understand his boundaries and was unable to see things for what they were - I had the "perfect storm" of my life three days later. My reality was shattered by one event that changed the way I view everyone in my family...while I still love them it's hard to even talk to or look at them now.

And it is exactly as dbh said...it's like having a security blanket taken away - I see everything differently and my world is upside down right now...I'm alienated from my family, after I isolated myself from almost everything in life but them, my ex and my job - and they don't understand why I feel the way I do. I know I need to work on myself right now, so a relationship with him right now isn't what I'm looking for...just some hope for the future...and a connection right now.

Dbh, good words of advice about the past...but I'm afraid that forgiving myself really is going to be a long and arduous process...

GingerM

Even wanting to get him to give you a chance is violating his boundary, at least from where I sit. Him saying he thinks the MOST he could do was be friends, MAYBE... That still sounds like he's pretty much done and would like to stay that way. Obviously I don't know him at all, and perhaps that's just the way he speaks.

Hope for the future lies in you, not in him. He may be done in his mind, but that doesn't mean others are. You will meet other people. However, if you don't work on yourself, the same problems will arise with probably similar or worse outcomes. Look inside yourself for hope, make your hope for the future drive your inner changes. The next great guy who comes along will appreciate the work you do now (I was engaged 5 times before I married my husband, please trust my experience on this).

It's good that you had such an awakening this early in your life. I hope that it will help you find some peace and healthy behaviors that will enable you to see boundaries (both your own and others) and learn how to live in a world that has boundaries. If your childhood background was completely lacking in boundaries, as I'm guessing it was, then learning to live in a world of boundaries is like moving to a radically different culture - there's a whole new set of social rules to learn, and the learning process is often filled with trial and error and occasionally some severe embarrassment. If you work on that now, and focus on you rather than on what you want others to do/be, in the long run, it will pay off wonderfully.

It is difficult to live in a life with little or no connection to others (be it the ex-bf or someone else you can be close to). My own experience and the seeming similarities on this board seem to correlate recovery to a period of time when one has few if any connections. I spent three years living as a social hermit, trying to understand myself and doing some serious navel gazing. Those three years taught me how to be in a room alone with no distractions. They taught me to be comfortable inside my own skin. They taught me to love and respect myself. But it took three years of isolation to do it. Most of the folks here seem to have similar stories, that they too went through some period of time being alone and that being alone helped them to see more clearly their own issues and gave them the freedom to work on themselves without the concern about how the changes in them affected other people. Initially it feels awful and frightening. Eventually, it feels liberating and peaceful and serene. Now I need my time alone to let my head wander or I go a little nutty. I've learned to sit inside my own skin and I've learned that I enjoy it. Right now I have a house full of people. It's not uncommon for me to come home, pull into the garage and spend 5 minutes sitting in my car before I come inside because I need that time to give my psyche a rest.

I'm definitely not saying that you must do this or your path to recovery will fail - only that it seems many of the people furthest along in recovery have gone through some period of social isolation and found it useful.

As dbh said, you're lucky in that you've discovered these things early in your life. I suppose "lucky" isn't quite it - if you were "lucky", you wouldn't be needing to go through recovery and you would have had a nice healthy supportive family who modeled boundaries and everything would have been rainbows and unicorns. But we can only work with what we have, and for the circumstances, you are lucky. I am in my mid-40's. I didn't really start working on myself until I was nearly 30. My sister is pushing 50 and just now starting to realize that the reason her life is such a mess may have something to do with her own decision making skills and the way she treats others. In that sense, you are lucky.

I hope you can find a way to accept being 'disconnected' for a little while; I hope you can find peace and fresh ways of functioning inside this world we all live in.

Take what you want, leave the rest.

judelabug

First post to this forum. I've been reading her for awhile.

Sibling, I'm in a similar situation but after 33 years of marriage. I still love my husband. I know the pain you're going through. It does get better.

My husband left 7 months ago, after telling me I was angry, unhappy, controlling and he just couldn't take it anymore. When he left I was the proverbial wreck. I felt blindsided; had to take 2 weeks off work. Stayed in my dark bedroom most of the time.

But, he was right, I was all of those things. Of course, he never really bothered to talk with me about these issues until he was at the point of leaving. But that's his maladaptive coping mechanism.

I can say this has been the most painful grieving period of my life, moreso than the death of my parents. But, I've been doing the footwork by seeing a very good therapist, going to AlAnon AAC mtgs 3-4/wk, CoDA, service work, yoga, meditation. And I have some very good friends who have been there for me to talk, cry, rant, scream to. I hope you have at least one good friend like that. The pain in the pit of my stomach is no longer constant and the fog of depression is lifting. I will come out of this stronger and happier. And here's an interesting thing. When I am happy now it's a happiness I've never felt before. It somehow seems deeper and richer and real and is based on what I'm feeling not on what I perceive others are feeling about me.

I agree with what others have said. Work on yourself and don't give up when results are not immediate. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and don't obsess about it. If you're angry, you're angry, if you're sad, you're sad but continue to work on yourself everyday. Some days are diamonds, some days are coal.

Ginger is so right, we have NO control over what others do and even though I know I could get in there and fix this and be the best wife ever, because I'm a great fixer and I can be whatever anyone needs me to be, that's no longer my goal. I tried that for my whole life and all it brought was anger, resentment, and unhappiness. My goal is to be the best ME, I can be. And that will be interesting because I don't even really know who ME is.

Read about boundaries (I had none) and Codependent No More is a great starting point.

Best of luck. You will get through this.

judelabug

Addition to my earlier post, somedays I say the serenity prayer over and over and over and over and over...

siblingofaddict

Judelabug, hearing your story has really helped, my ex was similiar in his maladaptive coping mechanism - but I am still struggling to understand. If you still love your husband, why are you not considering having him back in your life? Not in the way you two were before, but as the "you" you are now? I guess I struggle with this question because I was blind to my problems when my ex left me - now I get everything he was talking about. I was keeping me from being happy with him (well, with myself) in a relationship by mirroring my family's dysfunctional behavior...now I just want to reconnect before it's too late...although it'll be a long time before I'm ready for a relationship again.

Ginger, I actually do see the wisdom in what you say, and to be honest I am doing exactly that. It will be a long time before I'm in a relationship again, because I have so much to work on. I feel like my ex is the one because of the glimpses of another me, a healed me, that I had when I was with him. he broke down emotional barriers at a time when I was away from my family, but then I moved back in with my family and my addict brother, and all the issues I had ever repressed, ignored, etc, they came to the surface and were projected onto my relationship (not to mention the day to day ridiculousness he dealt with because of dealing with an addict when you don't have a program like NARANON). By the time I had enough, saw that I had a problem and needed to change/get away from the addict in my life, my ex had left me. Now, I'm addressing all those issues and while I don't want my relationship back, I do want a new one that is the best thing for both of us (not necessarily romantic aka, friendship, acquaintances, etc.)...also I'm trying to use attraction not promotion, though I do wonder, am I really crossing a boundary? (I was paraphrasing above with the "maybe" he could be friends...he didn't think I could change after he waited a year for it - and he said a lot of things about what he wanted for us, none of those things were not talking - that was my choice so I could get it together)

I know this process is all about focusing on me and myself. I'm working hard, attending meetings and therapy three times a week...I've done so much research and grown quite an understanding of my inner workings...I've been brutally honest with myself about my weaknesses and issues...but I guess I still have a long way to go though...

siblingofaddict

I'm sure that one of the real problems here is that I'm struggling with "Let go and Let God"...while I made the decision to let go of the addict in my life, it's difficult for me to let go entirely of other things in my life, which I can't control...but I do want this person I care deeply about (and I believe still cares for me) to know all the things I'm finding out about the whys and hows of the state that I'm in. I guess I just need to trust that instead of looking for an opportunity to have that conversation with him, if it is what's meant to be the opportunity will arise...until then, it's beyond my control.

judelabug

Because I am powerless over people, places and things. He has chosen his path and I have control over only myself. I struggle with this often, but it's getting easier.

It sounds like you are working a good program. Keep it up.

siblingofaddict

Hi All,

I know that it's been a little while since I posted about this but I feel like this is still unresolved for me. I've given him (and myself) some space and time to heal, but I haven't been able to completely let go of my ex - I care too much still and not having him in my life at all still hurts incredibly. It's killing me that I didn't do this to myself, I didn't make myself like this - and now that I'm aware, I've accepted the things I was doing that were unhealthy and I'm taking action to change them. I have been doing all the right things, working through the steps, in therapy and going to meetings twice a week. I've found a place to move out to and I'm learning to establish boundaries.

Has anyone ever tried what Willybluedog said? I really want to contact my ex and ask him if he would be open to learning about my recovery and "disease". I don't want to contact him to get back together, just to ask his forgiveness (and hope he will be open to talking to me). While I am going to keep doing what I'm doing, for me - because I deserve it, it feels hollow. I know that in order to not violate a boundary, I need to ask what he would be comfortable with...For someone who loved me, will showing the characteristics and this site help? Has anyone ever tried something similar?

dbh

Welcome Back Sib,

Congratulations on your recovery work. I'm sorry that you're still struggling with issues related to your ex. I can relate to how you feel. I actually could have written a very similar post 20+ years ago.

When I find myself going back to the same issue over & over again or filling my mind with "what if's", it's a red flag that I'm still trying to control a situation/person.

During times like these I find peace in "Letting Go and Letting God". I have heard that some people actually have a "God Box" where they write down what they are willing to give up to their HP. I personally visualize a box that I place the things that I can't control into.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

dbh

You know, I try so hard to only share my ESH. Unfortunately sometimes I think my shares end up as convoluted advice.

I truly can related to your post and I'm trying to think what I would tell my twenty-something year old self if I could.

However, I'm going to try to stick with my experience.

I started dating my husband prior to therapy and recovery. When we first started dating I had issues with jealousy, trust, insecurity, abandonment, and co-dependency. He met my family, even my alcoholic father.

We feel in love and he accepted me with all my strengths and weaknesses. He came to our relationship with strengths and weaknesses too. For some reason, it worked with him. He stuck around and we worked on things together.

Unlike previous relationships, I didn't feel like I had to change for him and I wasn't trying to change/save him.

You often hear that recovery is a process and not an event. I've been going to therapy on and off for almost 15 years and working on my recovery for 4 years. Improving the ways that I interacted in this world has taken time. There are no overnight "cures", I'm basically trying to unlearn all the unhealthy behaviors that were necessary in my family of origin.

The various milestones in my life brought different challenges: falling in love, getting married, buying a house, having children, breaking away from my family of origin, and the death of my father. I handled each of these situations to the best of my ability with the skills I had at the time. Not perfectly, but at the best of my ability.

I would tell my twenty year old self that you want to find someone who accepts you "as is" and who will stand by you through all the challenges you're going to face in life.

Thanks for letting me share again.

db

siblingofaddict

DBH, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I think part of the reason I'm struggling so much is because my ex did accept me for who I am (was) for two years. Much of the reason he left was because my brother was still in an active cycle of addiction and I wouldn't leave my house and family even though the situation had taken over my life and my ex's. It took a traumatic incident after my ex had already left me to knock me out of my denial about the situation. So on top of my ACA issues from growing up in a dysfunctional family with an addict/ACA mother, I was still living and enabling my addict brother...I can see why my ex left and even why it was what I needed.

I've been in recovery for two months now, and I'm finally moving out of my house this Friday. My ex wants to meet up for coffee this weekend. I'm not sure I can handle it, especially with all the realizations I've come to that I desperately want to tell him. And I'm not sure I know how to handle a situation like this without controlling it

...would love to let go and let God - definitely something I struggle with daily, since I'm learning to make decisions for myself again after being so codependent I couldn't decide where to eat dinner for a night....

...and how do I know when I'm forcing my agenda, trying to control things again, and when I'm just making a decision for myself and what I want?

siblingofaddict

By the way dbh, if you don't mind me asking (and if you do, don't worry about answering me), what brought you to realize you needed recovery?