GingerM

Good for you! I mean that genuinely. The first step to healing is awareness. I know far far too many people who are unaware of their own inner workings, and therefore spend their lives wondering why "bad things always happen to me." (because they're making bad decisions, but don't see it).

After a particularly bad relationship, I spent 3 years socially isolated. I had realized that the only thing in common in all my bad relationships was me. I realized that I had to change me, but I was unaware of my own thought processes that kept leading me to making poor decisions, but at least I was aware that I was unaware. That was my start.

Three years later I had dropped (by necessity of being socially isolated by choice) many of my codependent tendencies, but until I entered therapy, couldn't move much further. Best investment I ever made in my life was investing in me.

dbh

Don't mind at all ...

I knew I needed therapy when I found myself crying uncontrollably in my office at work. I was working on my PhD and was completely stuck. I couldn't move forward and couldn't stop because all of my self-worth depended on me proving that I was "smart".

Didn't look into recovery until many years later. I actually starting researching Adult Child meetings because I thought they might help my brother (still had many codependency tendencies then :-) I was at a better place in my life. I had already gotten married and had children. However, I sort of replaced one ACA trait with another. Instead of proving my worth by getting an advanced degree I threw myself into volunteer work and was trying to be everything for everybody. I was also experiencing drastic mood swings and I found myself repeating patterns that I saw in my mother when I was a child. I wanted a different life for myself and my children.

Therapy helped me a lot, but going to meetings and participating in forums like this truly helped me resolve many issues from my past. It helped me feel like I wasn't alone and that there were people who understood my struggles.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

dbh

I can so relate to that! I remember once being extremely proud of myself because I picked out NAIL POLISH without worrying about what other people thought :-)

This is such a great question. I'm hoping others come by and respond because I'm curious how others would answer.

I occasionally still struggle with understanding "Let Go and Let God" and Step 3 (... turning our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him).

For me, obsessing about sometime suggests that I think I have more control over a situation than I do.

Giving unsolicited advice also lets me know that I'm trying to control someone's behavior.

When I'm trying to control a person I often repeat myself or try to express the same thing in a different way. My mission become to show the other person that I'm right and clearly they would see that I'm right if I could just find the right words.

Lastly, in respecting people's boundaries I'm learning to accept people at their word. Growing up, I could never trust words. There were always hidden messages and I would have to try and guess what was actually happening. As an adult this drove me crazy. I was always second guessing others and their actions. It's so much easier if I just accept what people tell me as true. No more worrying about if I offended someone or if someone is mad at me. I put the responsibility on others to tell me these things directly.

Keep coming back!

db

Kialua

I came to this conclusion as well. I learned it at church as an adult. It does take the responsibility off of me to figure out what they really mean and makes them responsible for what they say and for what I hear. This was key in letting go and letting God. Had to develop kind of a thick skin but it was successful.

Willybluedog

Sib,

From a guys perspective I think you should start out very non-threatening, if it was me I would write him a letter, tell him what you have told us, that you were in denial, that losing him broke you out of that denial, that you know you screwed up, etc., also tell him what actions you are taking to get better.

Don't tell him you want to get back together, just let him see that you are working at recovery, that you have separated from your family and their drama.

One thing I will tell you from experience, drama can be addicitve, I was married to the queen of drama, after we had divorced, I dated for awhile, finally met and married the love of my life, but, but, but, where was the drama?

It was so boring, so mundane, no fighting, no throwing things(ex, not me), my therapist told me "your brain has to adjust to no drama, because drama is like nicotine, or alcohol, or heroin" and he told me it was ok to not have any drama in my life.

He will need time to see how you do away from your family and away from the drama, will you go back, will they try to suck you back in, can you survive without chaos?

More than anything else he will need time to evaluate the situation and how he feels about it.

Also, if you don't want to direct him to this board, then print out the 10 characteristics of ACOA's for him to read, he will better understand the ACOA mind and maybe he will be empathetic.

I hope it works out for you, I married the love of my life at 35, almost 15 years later I am more in love with her than ever, don't ever give up hope.

May God bless you and keep you well,

Bill

siblingofaddict

I appreciate so much everyone sharing from their experience. Your words have been invaluable to me!

DBH - what you say about control rings so clear with me. I always thought so much if I could say things in the exact right way, the other person would agree with me! Now I'm trying to learn to look at my motives instead. And obsessing comes naturally to me - I think of all the what-ifs and how I could counteract them, as if I had that power!

Kialua - I'm working on this. It's hard to trust anyone and take words at face value after a lifetime of decrypting my ACA mother's words and learning I couldn't believe anything my addict brother says, even when he's recovering.

Bill - You are beyond right. I don't even know how to function without drama, chaos, crisis...I moved into my new place this weekend, and after my friends left and my roommates were out - I just sat on my bed and broke down. I felt so lost because it was scary to be away from that house where just being there means waiting for the other shoe to drop, no matter how "detached" I am from the dysfunction.

Your advice is so perfect because it really focuses on the things I can control and reminds me of what I can't...and you asked a question that he might ask that made me stop in my tracks - I don't know the answer but it's the key to my whole recovery:
"Can you survive without the chaos?"

I don't know. My brother's been an addict for about 10 years since I was 12/13, and I've lived in extreme dysfunction my whole life because my parents brought her dysfunctional family cycle into ours. I don't know what healthy looks like for me.

God give me the strength...as of today I am 2 months in recovery - I think I am still grieving over the loss of my denial :/ and I'm wondering when I will feel whole again.

thanks for letting me share.

comanche

This thread has been very helpful to me. I am 25 and in a similar situation to the OP and I just want to say thanks to everyone for their thoughtful advice.