dbh

but I am trying to resist.

So this morning I woke up at 4am. I felt anxious because I have too much to do. My son has been sick and we also recently celebrated his birthday. Doctor visits and birthday party planning took away time that I had hoped to use to get ready for Christmas.

The old tapes started running in my head ...

I'm failing at Christmas yet again for a ton of reasons! Part of me realizes this is ridiculous, how can you "fail" at a holiday?!? But I'm feeling it nonetheless.

Reading facebook status updates about "Shopping with mom!" or how "Mom saved the day!" by making cookies for Junior's class. Wishing I had a mom that could help me when I feel stressed. Wishing I had a mom that could show me how to manage all my commitments. My mother opted not to "do" Christmas years ago. This year she ask me to not even send her a present. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. I'm navigating life without a map or compass.

I'm feeling sad, unloved, and a failure. Yet again, I see myself watching others and wondering how they do it. They look happy and festive. Moms in holiday sweaters with matching earrings bringing homemade cupcakes to class. Ugh!

There is a part of me that knows that things are not always as they appear.

Trying so hard to work with what I got. I don't have a host of loving & caring relatives coming into town. However, my sister and her family, who live locally, will celebrate Christmas day with my family. I'm grateful that we have been able to repair and redefine our relationship enough that we can spend the day together.

I have a loving husband and children. We have a tree with plenty of Christmas gifts under it.

I'm the mom that's going into school tomorrow to teach the children how to make paper snowflakes!

Wonder if I'll ever feel "good enough"? For me, holidays are the ultimate test on whether I am "normal".

I've been thinking about my parents and how they were probably struggling with similar issues during the Christmases of my childhood. Did my father hang out in the bar because he was trying to forget the lousy Christmases he had? Was my mom always anxious because SHE was trying to make things perfect and felt like she failed? Is that why she eventually gave up completely?

Trying to create a better life for my children. Maybe I have to be satisfied with incremental improvements from my childhood. Maybe I just need to hope that my children feel good enough.

I'm feeling so, so sorry for myself! My inner child wants something, but I'm not sure exactly what I can give her to help her feel better.

Thank you for listening and for letting me share.

db

Willybluedog

Dear dbh,

Glad you came in to share, please know you are part of my family, and as part of my family, I love you just the way you are, big bear hugs to you today.

You are doing great, you are trying your best, that is all that matters, if you gave up, laid down, intentionally did not make an effort then you would be failing.

The doubts creep in, the voices start getting louder, the stress level increases, please try and remember what Christmas is all about, just focus on your husband and son and sister and her family and the fact that they love you just the way you are.

Again, Big bear hugs for you.

Bill

tromboneliness

That sounds like exactly the right level, to me. No big Cecil B. DeMille production, complete with dozens of people and plenty of family drama -- but you've got the important people, a tree and some presents to make things festive, and some paper snowflakes. What's not to like?

You're doing great!

T

dbh

Thank you both. SR sometimes feels like my lifeline to sanity.

I can't figure out where this vision of perfection/Cecil B. DeMille production came from. That's was not what my childhood was like by any stretch of the imagination.

Maybe growing up I thought that was what everyone else was doing? Sort of like how I thought The Brady Bunch represented a real family.

Wonder if everyone is susceptible to this or if ACA's are even more sensitive.

Thanks again,

db

dbh

I love all you too!



Together we can do what we couldn't do alone!

db

MsPINKAcres

oh sweetie -

thank you for sharing your feelings ~ you know probably those moms in those prefect sweaters & matching earrings are feeling some of the same things -

I'm sure your children are just glad you are there ~

My sponsor had to keep reminding me to stop comparing my insides to other people's outsides -

Let go of the what should have been and enjoy the what is here and now.

You are making wonderful memories for you family - healthy happy ones - that they will be able to share for many many years -

YOU are super mom to them and that's all that matters!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

micealc

dbh............you are my sister on this Recovery Journey xxx.Like myself you are Looking for Something to Fill a void that was created in Childhood. I for one am forgetting that HP has Presented me with great Gifts......Loving Wife,I Son,2 Daughters..........You kinda Know them....From FB.I pay my way in society......im a good person.......I need to stop knocking myself........and Look aroud me and See what I have.... And Gain Gratitude.
Thank you for your Honesty.....dbh..............Merry Christmas.

dollydo

You have a wonderful family who loves you, embrace that, you are not a failure in any respect. In some cases, it is just a matter of perception, our preception of ourselves, what has been engrained in our mind, in the depth of our souls. We can change our preception, by living in today, make new positive memories to carry us into the future.

DesertEyes

Hey there dbh

See, you are looking the wrong way, into the past. You _already_ are good enough, in the present.

My parents never took me to the doc, or had parties for me. You score a perfect 10 in that department as a Mom that loves her kids.

You don't need one. You have met _all_ the important commitments in life: you love your kids and your husband. All other commitments are just "accesories", they're are not the stuff that matters.

Try adding a couple words to that statement so it is more accurate:

"....I'm remembering how sad, unloved, and a failure I felt as a child...."

THat is _huge_. That is so the _opposite_ of failure, you are a huge success at repairing one of the most important relationships in anybody's life.

She wants the same thing all children want, and all us ACoA's want. To be loved and appreciated. Nothing more.

And who gets to grade you on that test? And who gets to decide what is "normal"?

Can you do the same "add words" technique to that statement? How about

"... when I was a child holidays _used to be_ the ultimate test on whether I am "normal"

Yes and no

non-ACoA's feel it to. ( Notice I did not say "normal" people ) Just look at folks that buy expensive cars they don't need, or houses they can't afford, or get stuck in a marriage they can't stand.

All people have their demons to overcome. Fortunately us ACoA's _know_ what are demons are, and we have programs and meetings to help us.

What recovery has taught me is that those "old tapes" really are old feelings that get re-felt in the present _as if_ they were valid feelings for today. What helped me was the old "Three A's" of recovery.

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

I had to stop my thinking and focus on those feelings, become Aware that they were just old feelings "echoing" into my present life.

Then I had to Accept that they were true. That I really did have very negative and downright awful feeling, but also that they were _old_ feelings, not relevant to the present.

Action meant doing things like that "add words" technique where I change the present tense into the past tense. That helped me separate the feelings from my daily life and put them in the proper perspective. I took time to make "Gratitude lists", such as writing down the the _good_ things I had acomplished in life, like you have done by being a loving Mom.

I wrote down those feelings in the past tense and then I "played the tape through". If the holidays are a test, then who grades it? For me it was my parents, of course.

My old tapes didn't go away overnight, but they did get weaker and weaker until most of them disapeared. Today I _like_ the holidays. I don't have the "perfect" movie-quality holidays, not at all. I have the holidasy that _I_ want, not what anybody else says I should have.

Having the freedom to define my own vision of a holiday is huge for me. That freedom is what I celebrate in the holiday. My own little tree, my own quiet days with _no_ drinking around me, my own music in my own home ( ok, it's a rental, but you get what I mean ). Everybody else can have their own holidays, I have mine and I _love_ it because it is _mine_.

Those old tapes? Once in a while I get a small little twinge, and it comes with the understanding that, yes, that was my childhood a long time ago. And then the feeling is gone.

Mike

Kialua

You're doing great hang in there. I feel the same way when I look at Grandmas, Moms and their kids all doing holiday stuff together. I guess we all want the Rockwell holiday. But you are making great memories for your kid(s).

I have already found great relief this year in posting here my Christmas traumas.

We were just excluded from Christmas church plans again this year. Honestly it never stops. So do your best and keep posting here. We can all get through this.

dbh

Can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you! Thank you for taking the time to share.

Such wisdom on this thread. I know I'm going to go back and read this a couple more times before the holiday is over.

Gratefully Your,

db

GingerM

Reality check: I'd like you to go to the mall as soon as possible (or better yet, Costco at about noon on Friday). Look around at ALL the people. Not just the happy people, but ALL the people.

Because I firmly believe that weddings and the holidays make people insane and cause temporary insanity and make them forget anything and everything they've ever learned about how to treat other human beings.

Remember a few years ago when that mob trampled the greeter at the WalMart on the east coast? THAT is what "normal" is for the holidays. Now, compare yourself to that. Have you trampled anyone lately? No? Good! You're doing great! Have you yelled obscenities at someone for 'stealing' your parking space? No? Fantastic! Look at how much *better* you are than "normal". Because that IS what normal looks like at this time of year.

Instead of normal, try thinking thusly: "Is my behavior healthy?" It sounds to me like it is. You're avoiding people who are full of crazy. You managed to find a way to mend/divert your relationship with your sister. You have your own family and they sound pretty darned lucky and happy and healthy. Who gives a rat's whisker what "normal" is? From my experience, "normal" isn't anywhere vaguely close to "healthy." I think they're in different time zones, actually.

Is your family a Norman Rockwell painting? No? Guess what? Those paintings were staged. They weren't real. Nobody's family is a Norman Rockwell painting. If that's your goal, then you're aiming for a goal set to "fictional" and consequently you will be unable to ever attain it.

I've dreaded the holidays all my life. This year, with my dad in jail and me taking care of my mom, I'm not overly enthused about them either. But the time I get to spend with my in-laws tomorrow? I value that. They are healthy. They celebrate solstice. Doesn't matter to me - we all get together and enjoy each others' company and it's a nice gathering. Is it "normal"? Hah! Not by a long shot. But it is very much healthy, and I'll take healthy over normal anyday.

Now I need to go drive to an appointment on the other side of town. I'll be sharing the road with a whole passel of "normal" people. I"m sure it'll be a blast

Kialua

Well my darling daughter has found her way to join in the fray now that she is 21. She is making homemade liqueur cordials for gifts for all. That is sure to be a hit. She really wants to fit in and seems realizes that our non drinking is what separates us. Oh well, she has to find her own path, I just hope and pray it doesn't include any alcoholic problems. She does know better than that.

Saddens me and her Dad a bit though.

tromboneliness

And, according to this guy, perhaps not as innocent as everyone has always thought:

Norman Rockwell Deconstructed :: Accuracy In Academia

T