choublak

My ABF will start to cry sometimes and start telling me about how sad he is that he can't drink like a normal person. And I tell him that he should post that on an online recovery forum, or go to an AA meeting and find some people he can relate to. But he never does any of that; he just drinks more. I'm going to start telling him to quit feeling sorry for himself and to go do something about it.

suki44883

Sounds good to me. I'd also tell him that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Of course, he's most likely not ready to quit drinking, so nothing will probably change.

choublak

He gets mad at me because I "don't get it", says I'm judgmental and give him "negative reinforcement" and when I give him suggestions, he never even tries them. I don't want to give him any more suggestions; I just want to know wtf this is. Mind games.

m1k3

Why? Did you need him to tell you what to do? It's his problem let him handle it. Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Your friend,

choublak

I know that; I am saying, why is he repeatedly talking to me about/like this?

dollydo

I'll cry for him tomorrow, I'm all booked up today...like all who suffer from addiction, they all whine, moan and complain and then do the same things over and over again.

You can't help him, work on you, maybe someday you will hit your bottom and go forward with your life, until then, if you chose to stay and listen to his nonsense, it is your choice.

suki44883

Because he's a whiner? Lot's of people whine but aren't willing to do anything about the problem.

m1k3

Because either you'll feel sorry for him and he has reeled you in a little deeper and that makes it ok to drink or you don't feel sorry for him and your a big meanie and that makes it ok to drink.

Your friend

choublak

Yes...time to work on me...

Seren

Does sound like mind games.....those he is playing with himself and those around him. The mind games an active alcoholic plays when they know they have a problem but aren't ready to do anything about it.

I would have to agree that any further suggestions from you will probably be met with more complaining on his part.

I hope he'll find his way out of the quagmire soon. HG

choublak

Yeah, I told him not to whine to me anymore, that he knows what to do and he just needs to do it. Then I left to go about my day.

jOSE2

Good for you ! thats the way to go.He'll figure it out all on his own,unless presuming he's 2 years or under.

Best wishes

akrasia

GOOD. That's the thing to do.

I wish I knew why exactly alcoholic people start in with the whining and the poor-me crap. I think it's partly just that they're feeling low, and then the alcohol makes them more depressed so the self-pity really kicks in.

Re: the crap with calling you "judgemental" because you suggest taking it easy with the self-destructive behaviour--that's really him putting up a defense, isn't it. When I suggested my AH might like to drink less, he used to say, "YOU THINK I'M A WORTHLESS PERSON," and I'd be like, "No, I didn't say that and I don't think that. But one of us clearly thinks that..."

The bottom line is that drunks get left. If he'd prefer to be a manipulative alkie whiner than have actual relationships, that's his deal and there's nothing you can really do about that.

choublak

He called me "judgmental" in reference to me not understanding what it's like to be an alcoholic and asking ignorant questions about why alcoholics do this or that. Which, I have gotten similar replies to threads I have made in the alcoholics forum asking similar questions. Someone even called me "troll-y" asking the questions I did. Anyway, I told him I didn't get it, I wasn't going to pretend to get it, and why doesn't he talk to some people who do get it. So whatever. He knows what to do.

jOSE2

Right answer !,sound as though your having a good day,dont let the word calling you judgemental stick in your head for too long ,its just another hooker,been there, heard it all, worn the T shirt.Say Serenity Prayer and get on with your day

akrasia

O the whining. I'm flashing back to coming home from a marathon day at work and finding AH whine-whine-whining that an editor had commissioned ONLY TWO of the FIVE radio plays he'd submitted.

Yes, that's right, he was whining that he'd sold a radio play. Two, actually. How many people write for years and years and never manage to ever have a play performed?

It was pitiful, absurd, and obnoxious all at once.

choublak

ABF whines only about being an alcoholic (maybe his way of accepting that he in fact cannot control his drinking), which gets old. I used to say to him, "I'm not an alcoholic, so I'm not the best person to talk to about these things. Instead of talking to me, go talk about it in an AA meeting. Talk to THEM. They will understand exactly where you are coming from." But that's starting to sound like a broken record. So lately I've started telling him, "you know what you need to do, but you have to do it, nobody can do it for you" and leave it at that.

wicked

Yes, when I was drinking it was all 3 at once.
Geez, am I ever grateful today.

Beth

suki44883

ABF doesn't want to quit drinking. That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what you say or don't say. He isn't ready, so nothing is going to change.

choublak

I started saying what I say recently to keep myself out of his problem, not to try and change his behavior. Only he can do that.