What is this about?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by choublak 
He gets mad at me because I "don't get it", says I'm judgmental and give him "negative reinforcement" and when I give him suggestions, he never even tries them. I don't want to give him any more suggestions; I just want to know wtf this is. Mind games.
And of course, like a good little codie I would wrack my brain thinking of how I could help him while he just kept drinking away...
What are the magic words I need that will make him stop drinking? If I think about it long enough, I should be able to figure this out...what is wrong with me that I can't figure out how to make him stop drinking????
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Who knows? Maybe he wants you to think he really does want to quit drinking. Maybe misery loves company? Maybe he wants to start an argument so he'll have an excuse to drink. It could be many things. If you truly want to detach, then don't worry about it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He gets mad at me because I "don't get it", says I'm judgmental and give him "negative reinforcement" and when I give him suggestions, he never even tries them.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
It's pretty simple, he is an alcoholic and that's what they do. Just keep reading here and go to some al-anon meetings you will see that almost all of us have gone through the exact same thing. It is going to get worse as the disease progresses.
Just remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your friend,
Just remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I can appreciate that you really want to know WHY he/they do what they do but I don't think he/they can really tell you WHY. I guess it all boils down to having the compulsion, and satisfying it, and trying to live with themselves while active in addiction.
Keep reading here and other Sites until you feel your need to know WHY is sated. I do the same thing, from time to time, but much less often now. I use to scour the internet for all things alcoholic: causes, treatments, symptons, related illnesses, etc. It became my addiction.
Now I work really hard to figure me out and WHY I do what I do and whether there is something about how I react that I wish to change.
I no longer try to figure my AH out. It is what it is.
And I try really hard to not get involved in his mind games.
Keep reading here and other Sites until you feel your need to know WHY is sated. I do the same thing, from time to time, but much less often now. I use to scour the internet for all things alcoholic: causes, treatments, symptons, related illnesses, etc. It became my addiction.
Now I work really hard to figure me out and WHY I do what I do and whether there is something about how I react that I wish to change.
I no longer try to figure my AH out. It is what it is.
And I try really hard to not get involved in his mind games.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by choublak
So, why would someone want their partner to think they really do want to quit drinking, when they have no intention of quitting?
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Choublak-
What you posted is common and that's because Alcoholics can't drink like normal people EVER. Their genetic makeup is radically different in such a way that they cannot process alcohol normally.
I've probably posted this at least a dozen times by now, but I'll say it again. The best chance your BF has is going to rehab - the longer the better. Alcoholics have good recovery rates when they go to rehab for at least 3 months followed by outpatient rehab when they get out and being seen by specialist on a regular basis.
You have to start seeing this as a serious disease because it is exactly that. Think to yourself, "how would I approach this if it were cancer, or diabetes?" Would you tell someone with cancer to snap out of it? Or would you get them to a specialist who understands how to treat them?
The answer is obvious, but because of a lot of the myths surrounding Alcoholism it can be hard to see the necessary steps that need to be taken.
Best of wishes,
Panther
What you posted is common and that's because Alcoholics can't drink like normal people EVER. Their genetic makeup is radically different in such a way that they cannot process alcohol normally.
I've probably posted this at least a dozen times by now, but I'll say it again. The best chance your BF has is going to rehab - the longer the better. Alcoholics have good recovery rates when they go to rehab for at least 3 months followed by outpatient rehab when they get out and being seen by specialist on a regular basis.
You have to start seeing this as a serious disease because it is exactly that. Think to yourself, "how would I approach this if it were cancer, or diabetes?" Would you tell someone with cancer to snap out of it? Or would you get them to a specialist who understands how to treat them?
The answer is obvious, but because of a lot of the myths surrounding Alcoholism it can be hard to see the necessary steps that need to be taken.
Best of wishes,
Panther
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, I am diabetic. It is a disease, and it is MY responsibility to take care of myself and do what I need to do to remain healthy.
I know what I need to do to help myself. If I choose not to do it, then I don't expect anyone to do it for me. It is my struggle, my life and my health. People who do not have diabetes will never completely understand what it is like to live with this disease, but I should not expect them to.
For an alcoholic to place the responsibility for his or her recovery on a loved one is a diversionary tactic in my opinion. Someone here related that because she was detaching and allowing her A husband to make his own decisions and deal with the consequences of his actions, he complained "I have a disease! You wouldn't treat me this way if I had cancer!" to which she replied "I would if you were going to the store every day to buy cancer!"
So yes, your abf may need guidance, counseling, professional help of some sort. I hope that he takes the action needed to find it for himself.
I know what I need to do to help myself. If I choose not to do it, then I don't expect anyone to do it for me. It is my struggle, my life and my health. People who do not have diabetes will never completely understand what it is like to live with this disease, but I should not expect them to.
For an alcoholic to place the responsibility for his or her recovery on a loved one is a diversionary tactic in my opinion. Someone here related that because she was detaching and allowing her A husband to make his own decisions and deal with the consequences of his actions, he complained "I have a disease! You wouldn't treat me this way if I had cancer!" to which she replied "I would if you were going to the store every day to buy cancer!"
So yes, your abf may need guidance, counseling, professional help of some sort. I hope that he takes the action needed to find it for himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by hydrogirl
Well, I am diabetic. It is a disease, and it is MY responsibility to take care of myself and do what I need to do to remain healthy.
I know what I need to do to help myself. If I choose not to do it, then I don't expect anyone to do it for me. It is my struggle, my life and my health. People who do not have diabetes will never completely understand what it is like to live with this disease, but I should not expect them to.
For an alcoholic to place the responsibility for his or her recovery on a loved one is a diversionary tactic in my opinion. Someone here related that because she was detaching and allowing her A husband to make his own decisions and deal with the consequences of his actions, he complained "I have a disease! You wouldn't treat me this way if I had cancer!" to which she replied "I would if you were going to the store every day to buy cancer!"
So yes, your abf may need guidance, counseling, professional help of some sort. I hope that he takes the action needed to find it for himself.
I know what I need to do to help myself. If I choose not to do it, then I don't expect anyone to do it for me. It is my struggle, my life and my health. People who do not have diabetes will never completely understand what it is like to live with this disease, but I should not expect them to.
For an alcoholic to place the responsibility for his or her recovery on a loved one is a diversionary tactic in my opinion. Someone here related that because she was detaching and allowing her A husband to make his own decisions and deal with the consequences of his actions, he complained "I have a disease! You wouldn't treat me this way if I had cancer!" to which she replied "I would if you were going to the store every day to buy cancer!"
So yes, your abf may need guidance, counseling, professional help of some sort. I hope that he takes the action needed to find it for himself.
Every situation is different. Some alcoholics have already been to rehab, received necessary care and been educated on their illness. In these cases, the alcoholic is responsible for their recovery because they have the tools necessary. But in most cases the alcoholic has never received proper care, and never been educated.
You are able to take care of your diabetes because doctors have been well informed about your condition and they advise you on how to handle it. Imagine how much harder it would be if every doctor you went to told you that you weren't really sick and all you needed was to go to group therapy and take some antidepressant medication.
In order to properly understand a situation you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Otherwise you are only judging them from the outside.
It is not expected by anyone for you to help someone. I don't expect it, your neighbor doesn't expect, not even God expects it. But we do have choices that we make, and these choices define us.
Panther
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The addicts disease is theirs to manage. It isn't our responsibility to take care of them, it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves. You can run yourself ragged trying to get the addict to do what is necessary, but if they refuse, you've just run yourself ragged for nothing. I've been there and done that and will never do it again.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I have been trained to take care of myself. Before I was diagnosed, I was quite ill, and I knew I was ill. It was my responsibility to take my ill self to the doctor to be diagnosed and to begin learning about how to care for myself.
Whether or not the addicted person admits it to another soul on this planet, if alcohol or drugs are being abused, they, too, know that they are sick.
Personally, I have been involved in encouraging various friends and family to seek out the help they need, but I cannot make them do it. My addicted stepson is who brought me to this forum. I do not judge him for his decisions, but I do not have to continue to be drawn in the whirlwind of addiction drama. The only thing I can do is continue to let him know that I love him......
Whether or not the addicted person admits it to another soul on this planet, if alcohol or drugs are being abused, they, too, know that they are sick.
Personally, I have been involved in encouraging various friends and family to seek out the help they need, but I cannot make them do it. My addicted stepson is who brought me to this forum. I do not judge him for his decisions, but I do not have to continue to be drawn in the whirlwind of addiction drama. The only thing I can do is continue to let him know that I love him......
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
The answer to the "Why" of alcoholism is: He does what he does and he says what he says to protect his alcoholism.
That's it. That's the answer.
And that answer does not work for you. That's why you're here. Awesome.
That's it. That's the answer.
And that answer does not work for you. That's why you're here. Awesome.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by Panther
But in most cases the alcoholic has never received proper care, and never been educated...Imagine how much harder it would be if every doctor you went to told you that you weren't really sick and all you needed was to go to group therapy and take some antidepressant medication.
In order to properly understand a situation you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Otherwise you are only judging them from the outside.
In order to properly understand a situation you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Otherwise you are only judging them from the outside.
"In most cases the alcoholic has never received proper care, never been educated." Untrue. I've lived in all sorts of towns--big cities, small conservative towns, places abroad--and I've never once lived *anywhere* that didn't have well-advertised low-cost (or free) substance abuse programs. And I wasn't even looking for them!
"In order to understand a situation you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes." I'm not having a go at you here, but sometimes these kindergarten aphorisms get on my nerves. Where in her posts are you finding that she hasn't tried to do this? Sometimes it's actually not possible to do. He'd rather whine than get treatment--and instead of just getting on with her own thing she's supposed to somehow find a way of "understanding" this? Or otherwise she's a bad "judgemental" person? No.
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