addictionwife

HI, I'm hoping that someone out there can tell me that what I'm feeling is normal or something. My husband has been battling an addiction to pain meds for about 4 years. Last year he finally sought treatment and was prescribed suboxone. Had been doing very well...or so I thought. We lost our insurance when he was laid off about a year ago and we couldn't afford the suboxone without it so he had been going without. About 6 months ago or so I knew he was buying them. I started searching the house, garage, his car if I could. Looking for The proof I guess you could say. Anyway the proof I found was much worse than I had ever expected. He's using cocaine now too. I am still undecided on what I'm going to do for me and my kids, but in the meantime I'm going crazy. I can't seem to stop searching. He says he only used coke 3 or 4 times because he ran out of suboxone and someone told him it would help curb the awful withdrawl he was feeling. I don't know if I can believe him, I certainly can't trust him, and so I keep tearing apart his garage looking. Is it normal for me to feel this way? This compulsion to keep looking?

Ilovemysonjj

The compulsion is your gut knowing that something is wrong. Looking is an obsession. I ignored my gut way too long. When I finally started looking, it was even harder to face the truth. I am very new to facing these feelings, and talking on this site has helped. I know there are others here who can provide words of guidance and support. I hope and pray you find the peace and path forward to get that peace. TT

hello-kitty

Welcome. You are not alone.

Seriously. Anvil is right on the money. He's lying. That's what addicts do. They lie to protect their addiction. They manipulate. That's part of the disease.

There are many great resources out there for you as you start to regain control of your life. Naranon, Alanon, books, this website.... I hope you will read all you can about codependency, enabling and boundaries. Just as addicts become addicted to drugs, we become addicted to them and trying to save them or catching them or helping them. The reality is that nothing we do is going to change them or get them to change their behavior. We must change ourselves and our behavior if we want a better life.

Please make wise choices about the kind of environment you choose to raise your children in. You are the only responsible parent they have.

dollydo

Might be time for you to google drug groupings and addiction. He is feeding you a load of crapola. He is lying, all addicts do, it is part of their disease.

I would start seperating your money, open up an account in your name only... if you do not, it will all be gone. Also, move any expensive jewelry out of the house. Addicts will pawn or trade anything to get drugs.

Your first priorty needs to be your children, they should never be raised in the home of an addict, they carry their childhood into adulthood. 50% of children of addicts become addicts themselves, they are predisposed to inherit the gene for addiction, that to me, is
bad enough, without giving them a double whammy by being exposed to a toxic enviorment.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, read others posts and get to some Naranon
meetings, knowledge is power.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....you've stumbled upon a great forum with a wonderful support network.

Is it normal? In the case of many of us who are living with addiction, yes...it is normal for a codependent to do that. We compulsively look for proof and then ask the addict if they are using and then are suprised and angry when they lie to us.

No one has suggested it yet so I will. There are two great books that you can read to help you understand addiction and codependence. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and How Al-Anon Works. Both can be purchased on Amazon. The Al-anon book gives some wonderful examples of how we feel as the loved ones of an alcoholic or addict. It also provides an excellent map for working through the complexities of this disease. Both are books about taking care of ourselves.

Again, welcome. I'm glad you found us.

gentle hugs
ke

ChsgME

I did stuff like that too! Feel really dumb about it now, But I had to know......but then knowing wasnt enough either. So glad I somehow found the strength to get out.

addictionwife

Thank you all for your replies! He is in treatment, was just given a script for suboxone which I'm nervous about since I am reading such conflicting opinions on that, and I am in the process of looking for a job so I can provide for my kids on my own and keep them safe from this. It breaks my heart to do these things but I know I have to. In the meantime in order for him to stay I will be randomly drug testing him. If anything comes up positive (except I know the suboxone will show) he's going to have to leave and that is that.

hello-kitty

Boundaries are a good thing. You've set a strong one. Enforcing it will be tough but worthwhile. It's always good to have a plan in place in case he doesn't follow through on his promises... unfortunately, in most cases, addicts don't... Expect the best but prepare for the worst is always a good motto.

Addiction makes everyone in the family sick - sometimes it makes spouses even more sick than the addict themselves. They become so wrapped up in controlling someone elses behavior they completely lose control of themselves. And this is devastating to the kids.

It's so important that you focus on YOU and your own behavior. Work the recovery you wish he'd work. Attend Al-anon or Naranon meetings. Reach out here for support. Read books about Codependency. Change your own thoughts and attitudes. Put your children and your own well-being first, no matter what. That way, whether he uses drugs or not, you will be in a stable place. And your children will be well provided for.

useyourwords

I second cynical one about the drug tests. If he is getting his suboxone through a clinic that requires regular drug testing you can ask him to sign a release of information allowing them to share the results with you (granted he can revoke that at any time). He will find a way to cheat a home test -- it is just too easy!

dollydo

Cheating a home test is easy for an addict. They know every trick in the book.

I also agree with CO, get all the drugs and supplies out of the house.

Are you going to meetings? I would suggest that you do.

hopeful0323

Really try to focus on this. i have found my strength and ability to "stick to my guns" through this one little questions. Turns out, what is best for them is also best for me too.

addictionwife

I told him last night that I'm not going to keep looking, took your advice and told him that anything I find from this moment on will be considered still using. I also cleaned out the bank account this morning so he has no access to our cash. I know that is controlling but I have to in order to make sure I can buy groceries and pay the bills. I can't risk it, we don't have a lot to begin with. I honestly don't even know what the hell I'm doing. I seem to be swinging between being so angry that I can't see straight and so sad and depressed that all I do is cry. I want so bad to just call it, say I am done and leave. But I can't simply just do that. I have no job, no way to support me and the kids, no where to go. I guess if I still feel this way by the time I find a job(which I have no choice about at this point since he's destroyed us financially anyway) I will get a lawyer and file. If he's better I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again. I question everything he says. Tense up every time his phone rings or he gets a text. And I literally destroyed his garage. I mean tore insulation out of the rafters and paneling off the walls destroyed. I'm pretty sure I need to be in therapy myself but after paying for the suboxeon and the doctor for him there is nothing left. Hopefully I'll start to feel a little less psycho soon, lol! Thank You all for your advice and support. I don't have anyone to talk to about this at all.

hello-kitty

Just slow down. It'll all be ok. You don't have to think of a solution today. Just know you are amongst friends here. I still encourage you to check out an al-anon meeting. It could help you get your feet firmly planted back underneath you. It can help YOU find recovery for yourself. And they are free. No expensive therapy needed.

PS. Putting money aside to take care of your housing and subsistence needs is NOT controlling. It is a smart move. It's a wise choice when dealing with a drug addict that has a tendency to drain the bank account.

jlyn3

I'm going thru the same thing- feeling like a paranoid psycho control freak, anxious best describes it, my bf is addicted to suboxone.... and these comments are right when saying the person will tell you kinda what you want to hear and play off the fact you don't "know your drugs" but you're not alone actually what you said you did and felt is exactly how I feel but I hope he can get help but I know is easier said than done

wuzzled

Today, I can't believe all the hours, days and months I wasted searching, playing detective and trying to prove what I knew in my heart was true. It was an obsession, MY addiction, and it made me almost crazy!

Thankfully, I finally walked through the doors of Al-Anon and began to realize that what I really needed to do was focus on me. Nothing I could say or do was ever going to change my husband. He is, and always will be an addict. Realizing that I was powerless over him and his addiction allowed me to move forward. I still struggle with many feelings, doubt and just plain fear, but I am learning with the help of my Higher Power and Al-Anon, that regardless of what he does, I can still find happiness and serenity.

addictionwife

Hey, So I think I've calmed down a bit and been able to sort through all the craziness I've been feeling. Made some positive moves today I guess you could say. For one, I called his parents. Just as I figured it would go his Dad was incredibly supportive towards me and his Mom made it all about her, lol. I also contacted a free legal aid place near me and made an appointment on the steps I need to take to leave and protect my kids if it comes to that, and to file for a separation with child support if that is possible. I don't want to file for divorce unless I have to, I don't want that. I guess I'm not willing to say that our marriage is over and I do love him very much. I also spoke to my husband again, only this time it was without tears or anger and hurt, but simply matter of factly, that this is what he will have to do for himself in order to remain a part of our lives. He has to want to recover. He can show that he wants to recover by finding out on his own what that even means and how to do it, I'm not going to do it for him or keep looking up websites and phone numbers for him. And he can't live here while he goes through this. I won't keep our kids from him, I could never do that to them or him, but he will not be alone with them. I really could use some advice as to whether what I've said and laid out for him is a good thing or considered "enabling". I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing, or making things worse. I guess I feel comfortable with what decisions I've made, but really when it comes down to it, I have no clue what that means when dealing with a drug addict.

hello-kitty

Excellent suggestion. Just try this one little thing for you.

Farfalla

I understand the not willing to say the marriage is over. I know at this moment I cannot be with my husband because of his active addiction and denial. I pray he will get the help he needs as I continue to work on my codie behaviors. I also pray for myself first and foremost. I agree with not letting your kids be alone with him. I have experienced my husband really doesn't initiate any contact with the kids. Never calls them and when they are home (daughter away at college) he doesn't come and see her.

My daughter had to write an essay for a potential private donor college scholarship. This is a child who has suppressed her feelings and emotions for years. We think we do our best to shelter them and mask what is going on at home but the kids pick up on it.

Here are a few paragraphs (I cut a few identfying paragraphs):


Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change! Never allow someone to be a priority to you when you are just an option to them...

I am truly blessed to be a freshman XXXX student at XXXX. I am also the recently adult child of an addict. I say adult child because I just turned 18 years old in June however my father has suffered with a substance abuse addiction my whole life. My father has abandoned my mother as well as me and my younger brother.

Drug addiction doesn’t just affect the addict. Addiction has a far reaching effect which encompasses family, friends, employers, healthcare professionals and society as a whole. Addiction is causing an untold hardship for my mother. She has been burdened with all the finances. I often feel guilty placing an additional financial expense on my mother by being in school, but she continues to push and work so I can obtain a college education. My mother stresses to me to refuse to accept unearned guilt and honor myself. My mother insists on removing me from the trail of destruction and chaos at home. Chemical dependency destroys slowly, but thoroughly. My family is suffering at the hands of someone we loved and trusted. Crushed hopes are crushed hopes. Disappointments are disappointments. Lost dreams are dead dreams and they all bring pain. Yet I came to terms with what is. If things are to be any different for me I must accept reality.

My father has changed from a previously easy going personality to one who is prone to mood swings, violent outbursts, secrecy and other forms of extreme behavior. It has been both distressing and confusing for me to watch my father. He is driven by the need for his drugs. His addiction is his main priority in life at my expense and the expense of my family. My family’s future is no longer important to my father.

In times of great stress, I shut down my awareness emotionally. Opening up has become extremely difficult for me. My entire life I protected my family’s secrets. I always displayed the illusion that everything is fine at home. Survival became a full-time job. I learned to survive by suppressing my emotions. In therapy I am learning my feelings are acceptable and that I won’t be rejected for having them. I am learning my survival behaviors as an adult are maladaptive. I am aware feelings are very important. My feelings count and matter. My feelings are a source of joy, as well as sadness, fear and anger. The emotional part of us is the part that laughs as well as cries.

Of all the judgments that I pass in life, none is as important as the one I pass on myself, for that judgment touches the very center of my existence. I am learning to find inner peace. Real peace must be unaffected by outside circumstances.


Hugs to you.

hopeful0323

familydestroyed,

What a smart and mature young woman. She is on a good path. I wish I could have accepted my father's alcoholism at her age. May be I would be in a different place right now. You should be proud mom!!

Farfalla

Thank you. I am very proud of her. She is beautiful on the inside and out. She is an amazing young woman. I thank GOD everyday for blessing me with my children.