Windblown

My AS called me today from someone elses phone. His voice was all cracked and uneven. He sounded awful. He called to come pick up a few last items that I know he will try to pawn. Boxing gloves, a new tail light for his motorcycle and his heavy bag. I stood my boundary. I told him you have to call Jon at work and set up a time to meet after he is home. He calls me back two more times....Mom...can't you just set out the stuff now because I don't have a cell phone anymore.

I said, I'll have to call Jon. My husband is Jon. We talked it over and reminded ourselves of the boundary. He is not to come to the house during the day period.

So he did finally call Jon and they are either going to meet or Jon will take his things out to the driveway. He asked if he could come and dismantle the heavybag with the tools in the garage. Jon said No, that Jon would dismantle it for him later in the week because he isn't even getting home until 8 pm. tonight and has more work to do on the computer. My son acted like we were trying to keep it from him...and we told him we want you to have it but it is not feasible tonight for us to break it all down...it will take an hour or more.

Then he said what if he came by in a borrowed pickup and got it but Jon said No, you may tear up the wall and the gate getting it out of the courtyard.

I asked my son how he was dong . He said fine, that he had been putting in aps for a job. I told him you don't sond fine. He just sort of faded in and out.

I have decided I will go with Jon to meet him. I will give him a hug and tell him I love him. It will tear me up but this may be the last chance I ever see him again. He says he is getting an apartment. But he has said alot of things. I merely responded...good for you.

I have also packed up some warm clothes that he left. There are still many t shirts and shoes but he didn't ask for these and I figu if he ever does make it bad from hell he might be happy to have some clothes. Or should I just give him all of it and be done?

Should I see him and get torn up but at least be able to tell him I love him? Or should I stay home and always wonder how he is? I think I will see him. I am his Mother and he is my son and I just need to.

I may be totally freaked out after I see him. But I will remain calm, even, and loving. I really don't see how he is enjoying this horror. I think the addict either goes to prison or lives in a self induced one. We bought so many nice clothes for him. Most of them he has now. If I pack up everything he won't need to come by for anyhing else...but a bigger part of me is saving a few for if he decides to fet better and needs them later.

I am having a lot of anxiety. It feels so sick that I can't let my son come over during the day but he has stolen from us, sounds screwed up and desperate and we must protect ourselves.

When I called him back the boy who answered did not speak very nicely. I really do not like gangy, hoody, teenagers on drugs and selling them. My son is nothing like them...whyndoes he choose these people that steal from him?

This may be the last time I ever see him. My husband will probably tell me to stay home. But I want to go. Ugh...what happened to my boy...

suki44883

I know it sounds harsh, but yes, your son is like them. He may not always be like them, but right now, he is choosing to be just like them. He is using drugs and selling them, just like they are.

Of course, you'll do whatever you want to do, but I think it would be best if you didn't go see him. It won't do anything other than get you all upset again. You have been making progress with your meetings and you were afraid that you'll crumble if and when he called again. He did, and you are. I know how hard it is because I've been there. I hope you'll reconsider and stay home.

dollydo

You will do what you will do, however, to me, your going there to give him a motherly hug is not in your best interest.

Trying to forge a way to tell him you love him is not the answer.

I agree with Suki, your going will accomplish nothing except to make you more vunerable.

Your boy learned his behavior from his father, and inherited the gene which predisposed him to addiction. You cannot turn back the hands of time, you can only deal with today, and, understand that he is of legal age and will do what he wants to do, no matter what you think or want in his best interest.

Windblown

Wouldn't it be like I just didn't care though? Although I don't think he is even thinking that way...he just wants his stuff. But aren't I the weak one just staying away and letting Jon do it. Although Jon, as his step-dad is way more onto his tricks than me and though he is emotionaly involved he is very protective of me. He doesn't want a broken down wife to come home to. I understand that. He most likely will say it is a bad idea. If i go ahead and imagine the worst....perhaps I woulde be prepared to see him. Maybe you are right and I will turn it over now to H.P. Thank you very much for guiding me.

hope213

i feel your pain. i know from experence that if u go u will get all upset. it is not your son doing thhese things. it is the drugs. remember the 3 c's. u did not cause it,u can not control it & u can not cure it. let us know how u r .. we care.

suki44883

Hon, you're making excuses just so you can see him. This isn't about you, it's about your son. It isn't the best thing for anyone involved for you to go. You son made his choices, so he needs to live with them. Don't step between him and the consequences of his actions.

Why don't you go to a meeting tonight, like you had planned? That would be the best thing for you.

Windblown

See when I get the same suggestions from two or three people...it is a wake up call that I need to listen to. Dang it...it's hard to change! But maybe you guys are right and I won't go.

What if he has permanently injured his brain and doesn't know how to think anymore?
Oh boy...here come the What Ifs...cringe...

Remember that Clash song...Do I stay or do I go...

Can you tell I'm a little wigged out? I'm obsessing. Does seeing the addict stop the obsessing bc reality sets in...see him...he is an addict...remember...there he is...all skinny...no longer the high school football star. Oh I feel crazy.

dollydo

I agree with Suki, you are making up what if's so that you can see him, you son really doesn't care if he sees you or not, believe me, he won't be disappointed. He is wanting his stuff to trade or pawn for drugs, that's it. I am not saying that to hurt you, it is just reality. He is not the son that you want to believe that he is, he is a hard core drug addict and capable of doing anything and everything, over and over again and not caring or thinking of those who love him....not my rules, just how it is.

Your husband can handle it, the message is clear if he delivers it...here are your things,
your mother and I are on the same page, do not attempt to manipulate her or me.

Remember...this is in the best interest of your son, he is young he still has a good chance to recover, IF you will let him fall to his knees and he hops on the recovery train, and, works a strong structured program.

Go to a meeting, then go to another tomorrow, IMO you need them more than ever.

I am sorry, I know that you are hurting, however, you are not thinking with your head, you are trying to think with your heart and that only leads to more disappointment as your heart is not designed to do the thinking.

chicory

(((windblown)))

my heart hurts for you and for your son. if he calls you, tell him you love him. let him see you taking care of yourself, and being strong for what is right. but it is never wrong to say "I love you".

outtolunch

Absolutely nothing you can do to protect him.
So you need to protect yourself.

Windblown

Alright....here is my one contingency...What if he is dead in a week and this is my last time to see him? Those grief forum folks say it helped them to see the person shortly before their death.

He sounds horrible. And I didn't tell him I loved him on the phone...it's not that I didn't want to...I was just shocked he called...and it was a number I didn't know so I wasn't prepared.

I give out my number at meetings so I answer phone nmbers I don't know in case it is someone in a program...perhaps I should let it go to vmail and call back. What if I send a note that says I Love You...Mom

NoGround

Windblown,

Here is what I would ask myself in these circumstances if it were my own AS:

If he died tomorrow, which of my choices tonight would offer me more peace?

dollydo

Double post...how this happened I do not know! Sorry!

dollydo

My goodness, you are awfulizing, in the depths of his soul he knows that you love him.

If it makes you feel better, and clears your concious, then include a little "I love you" note, then hop back on the recovery train.

You cannot control his destiny, there are no guarantees in life, not for me, not for you or him.

Do what makes you feel better.....we care and are here for you, day in and day out.

chicory

windblown ,
I understand that you are not trying to protect him. you want to see him, and you love him, and are very worried. that is so understandable. you have to remember that you cant change him, and seeing you wont make him soften and give up the drugs. but if you need to say i love you, or wish to see him, as long as you are not enabling him, there is nothing wrong with that. i think that the worry is that you will cave, feel sorry, and want to do more for him, which probably won't be a good idea, since he is making very bad choices right now.

you just have to do what you can live with, without enabling him. we dont have to refuse to speak, or turn our backs totally on our loved ones. we just have to protect ourselves when they are making the choices he is making.
i know of recovered addicts here on sr., some of whom say that their parents always let them know they loved them, but could not accept their destructive behaviors in their homes, nor give them money that would only be used to further enable their habits. i know of some who met with their loved one, took them out for a bite to eat when they were hungry, and let them know they were loved. not everyone can turn a blind eye to a son or daughter who is self-destructing, but it is best to not give money, or be taken in by false hopes or promises.

do what you feel you must. take care of yourself , and know that you have support here. i know this is hard, but he has to feel the pain of his bad choices , or he might never be desperate enough to change his life.

hugs
chicory

Seren

Hi Windblown,

In the end, none of us has the right to make this decision for you. You have every right to do what you think is best.

Good luck, and take care! HG

TMZ

((Windblown))

If given the chance I would go. I mean it could be the last time I may see him, to tell him he is loved. I see it as a gift from a higher power to see him again. To know he is ok. Might not be making the right choices now, but be able to see there is hope and someone loves him. That is so important when all else is lost.

This is not only my point of view but my wife's, 12 others from my nar anon group, and several from a NA group I spoke with after my meeting.

It is ultimately your decision, and it is confusing. But follow your heart here. God can only offer us opportunities we must make the choice to take them.



That is where I stand on this, sorry if it differs form popular opinion here.

hello-kitty

What's the wise choice for you Windblown?

JMFburns

Hi,

I want to add my thought as I'm reading your post and the many responses, and that is:

Stop Awfulizing.
Put your son in his HP's hands and have faith that he will take care of him, that his HP has plans for him, a path for him. Put yourself in your HP's hands and ask for the strength to find the faith to stop assuming the worst.

Just my humble opinion, for what it's worth.

Windblown

Well, after all the drama, anticipation, worry, wondering...Guess What?

My AS never even called Jon at 8 pm. He never called at all. They did not meet.

By getting all upset, I did not cook dinner for my husband, I fell asleep with all my clothes on, I worried my Mother who lives across the country and who is supporting me emotionally, I pulled a muscle in my back carrying my AS's stuff from his bedroom downstairs, and Jon has terrible foot cramps this morning on his way to work.

Arrrrrrggghhhhh!

New Day. New Plan. If my son calls today, I will tell him, today does not suit for us to meet him. My husband and I need to have a normal evening. It's just too bad for my AS that he has to wait for things and can't have what he wants when he wants it. I will not deal with him and his scummy friends while I am alone at the house and Jon is at work. That is a boundary that he seems to forget...but I have not.

I thank you all for your support. In the end.....nothing went as planned. I guess that is par for an addict.

This is just exhausting. Oh and another new rule for me. I will not take a call from a number I do not know. If my AS calls and actually leaves a message...then I can decide when and how to plan before calling him back. He's using other people's phones now. I get stressed when I am thrown a hot potatoe. It freaked me out when it was him on the
phone...


It is what it is. I wish he would either wind up in a hospital, jail or die. Anything but this torture of craziness and worry and not knowing. I am going to a meeting. I am going to the gym. I am cooking my husband a steak. I am going to turn it over. Sorry I am such a freak right now...it's just so ludicrous.

Thank you for your warmth and support...sorry it was all for nothing.