somber rainy day
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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somber rainy day
well i dont know what to say, but i just have to say it. but before i do, i know i can be an easy target andi know i have had dificulties, but i started crying today for hte first time in a long time and i need somthing for someone who understands. she was in jail as you know and got out tuesday. sunday i tokk her call and she said she had a treatment place to go to and would love to see me before she went. sincei have some friends down there i went. we talked for like 8 hours. she sounded different. i had gotten several letters from her. i was skeptical and went with a bit of an attitude. after an hour or so nshe broke down crying liek i never saw. she said how sorry she is for everything and how she can never make it up to me but would spend her life trying. she said how much she loved me and how lucky she was. she went deep inside herself and talked about her low self esteem and tons of heavy stuff, but mostly how disgusting she feels about herself, but how she is 31 and has to stop and is excited about going away and how much it meant for me to be there.
seeing her cry and open up broke me down. and i couldnt keep up the wall i had built up to protect myself. as she was talking about feeling bad about hte stuff she had down she literally ran tothe bathroom and got sick. all i saw was the broken sad girl.
she stayed clean, although she said she had cravings. the next day she wanted to see a friend before we went. and if turned out this gisl disparaged the place she was going to go to. so she beleived her that maybe she needed to research some places. we went ot the library and she madea list of places to call. all my hopes that i allowed to have again crashed becasue she said that she was going to stay with this girl for a couple days until she found hte right place. so i knew that also meant that she would use crack again. and after a day or so slip right back to where she was.
i guess what hurts is seeing the glimpse of the person she could be. and having that bit of hope. with that low self esteem she ends up trying to be like the people she is around to gain acceptance. all immature stuff. she even acknowledges it, but cant see it when it is happening. so instead of beleiving that the people ata rehab are the ones who really will care about her, she thinks these people have her best interest and follows them.
it is sad. i probably have siuch strong emotions becasue this is fresh, but i told her and i she understood that since we had so much time apart that i have been rebuiling myself and that this is it. this is her last chance nad she cried and said she would prove to me she can do it. we ate and i left.
seeing her cry and open up broke me down. and i couldnt keep up the wall i had built up to protect myself. as she was talking about feeling bad about hte stuff she had down she literally ran tothe bathroom and got sick. all i saw was the broken sad girl.
she stayed clean, although she said she had cravings. the next day she wanted to see a friend before we went. and if turned out this gisl disparaged the place she was going to go to. so she beleived her that maybe she needed to research some places. we went ot the library and she madea list of places to call. all my hopes that i allowed to have again crashed becasue she said that she was going to stay with this girl for a couple days until she found hte right place. so i knew that also meant that she would use crack again. and after a day or so slip right back to where she was.
i guess what hurts is seeing the glimpse of the person she could be. and having that bit of hope. with that low self esteem she ends up trying to be like the people she is around to gain acceptance. all immature stuff. she even acknowledges it, but cant see it when it is happening. so instead of beleiving that the people ata rehab are the ones who really will care about her, she thinks these people have her best interest and follows them.
it is sad. i probably have siuch strong emotions becasue this is fresh, but i told her and i she understood that since we had so much time apart that i have been rebuiling myself and that this is it. this is her last chance nad she cried and said she would prove to me she can do it. we ate and i left.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
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I feel for you, they are so good at manipulating that we don't even see it till is't done.
It is so hard to watch them destroy there lives. They jut pull our heart strings. We must let them learn on there own now.
Someone once told me about a 24 hr rule, and it has worked real well. You see we are not important to them till the need something from us. In order for us to maintain control we must not put such importance on there situation. So I no longer jump to answer the pone call, AS can leave a message. I will call back when it is convenient for me ! No matter how dire "AS emergency" is I am not going to do anything about it for 24 hours. It has stopped him from using us, now when he calls it is to talk or for advice, because he knows it takes too long to get us to do it for him.
Be well,
It is so hard to watch them destroy there lives. They jut pull our heart strings. We must let them learn on there own now.
Someone once told me about a 24 hr rule, and it has worked real well. You see we are not important to them till the need something from us. In order for us to maintain control we must not put such importance on there situation. So I no longer jump to answer the pone call, AS can leave a message. I will call back when it is convenient for me ! No matter how dire "AS emergency" is I am not going to do anything about it for 24 hours. It has stopped him from using us, now when he calls it is to talk or for advice, because he knows it takes too long to get us to do it for him.
Be well,
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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thanks guys. that is what i was afraid of. she wasnt dope sick. she had been off dope for a while before lockup. plus she was in for three weeks. i really believe she made her self sick from the pain of what she was letting out. she looked and sounded good so she was clean. i guess what hurts is that i have seen some people who are just gone after years of this life. and the real person is so buried that all you see is an addict zombie. i felt that being clean for three weeks i got to see a part of the person without being high. you know, the part of the person who really wants something different. and maybe part of that from the letters was jail talk. its easy to be in the right mindset when you have no choices. seeing her break down and spilling out all of that made me somehow feel one of the dimensions of why i do love her. for that one day there were no drugs. it felt normal. she was affectionate and really nice to be with, we had diner and watched some movies and talked and talked. and i saw hope in her. for the first time in over a year i felt i was with the real person. i guess this is somethnig you have expereinced as well.
i am not saying that i believed that everythnig would be perfect after that moment. i knew that she hadnt even done day one in rehab and that even after a year in rehab that its no easy road. but i saw for a moment her dreams again. i do not doubt that she wants that life, but she is so sick that the moment there is an opportunity to slip, she does. i cannot understand how she could realize all this stuff, how she can see know where that life got her, how she can hate having that life, how she sees that she is 31 with nothing and needs a year or two clean before having a family, how she sees all the baggage she has from childhood and how that has messed her up, how she sees that the people she will be around dont really care about her, and how she knows that i am in therapy and dealing with this situation and more able to walk away for good, the threat of which brought her to tears again, just how she knows all of this stuff and gets right up to the line knowing that if she crosses it everything is immediately cancelled and just steps over into the other side again. it is so sad that this is how people live their lives. its not even the drugs and being high, but that being stuck.
well enough of that side of things.
then there is my side. i am so thankful for the time i had to be able to get back on my feet as much as i have. you may ask- well whats different this time about me? i'll tell you- this time i am not forgetting about me. i amy have emotionally taken a step back, but i know all the realities and already feel myself recovering just by typing. its one think to get sucked back inm, but its another to chose to stay there. i am not staying there. i will pick myself up and move along again. i have gotten to where i can say no and stick by it and now i am working on the no-contact issue with my therapist.
i am not saying that i believed that everythnig would be perfect after that moment. i knew that she hadnt even done day one in rehab and that even after a year in rehab that its no easy road. but i saw for a moment her dreams again. i do not doubt that she wants that life, but she is so sick that the moment there is an opportunity to slip, she does. i cannot understand how she could realize all this stuff, how she can see know where that life got her, how she can hate having that life, how she sees that she is 31 with nothing and needs a year or two clean before having a family, how she sees all the baggage she has from childhood and how that has messed her up, how she sees that the people she will be around dont really care about her, and how she knows that i am in therapy and dealing with this situation and more able to walk away for good, the threat of which brought her to tears again, just how she knows all of this stuff and gets right up to the line knowing that if she crosses it everything is immediately cancelled and just steps over into the other side again. it is so sad that this is how people live their lives. its not even the drugs and being high, but that being stuck.
well enough of that side of things.
then there is my side. i am so thankful for the time i had to be able to get back on my feet as much as i have. you may ask- well whats different this time about me? i'll tell you- this time i am not forgetting about me. i amy have emotionally taken a step back, but i know all the realities and already feel myself recovering just by typing. its one think to get sucked back inm, but its another to chose to stay there. i am not staying there. i will pick myself up and move along again. i have gotten to where i can say no and stick by it and now i am working on the no-contact issue with my therapist.
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tmz- i learned to do the same thing. i used to jump at teh phone anytime of day or night. since the summer i let it ring, call back a day or so later. when she was in jail, i didnt anser except for a couple times. it gaveme some strength i needed.
horse
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ahh maybe. maybe not. i understand how deepthe lies and manipulation can run. and i know i have fallen for a ton of bs. but i thinnk sometimes some people have moments of reality and clarity. but becasue of all they have done previously, it is near impossible to ever trustthat those moments are real. i really think at the time she wanted that and i think that may be why she was so happy, but the addiction is strong and ends up winning. by the time i left i saw her sinking and i knew what was happening. it was like witnesing a metamorphesis. herface got heavy. what was weirdtoo is that she knew what she was doing and that she was throwing away 3 weeks of being clean. i dontthink all addicts are always happy about getting high, but it is what it is.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I do hope she goes to rehab this time.
I do hope she gets sober and turns her life around.
I do hope her life changes.
I hope this because I believe it's the only way your situation will ever truly change and that makes me sad. As much as you do to improve yourself you show it disrespect and cheapen its worth by jumping back into seeing her with all the "maybe this time," "this time it's different," etc. Feels like justifying to us why it's all okay and well, it's not.
Alice
I do hope she gets sober and turns her life around.
I do hope her life changes.
I hope this because I believe it's the only way your situation will ever truly change and that makes me sad. As much as you do to improve yourself you show it disrespect and cheapen its worth by jumping back into seeing her with all the "maybe this time," "this time it's different," etc. Feels like justifying to us why it's all okay and well, it's not.
Alice
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Steve,
As long as you stay comfortable with seeing her as a victim nothing will change.
Until you show her ( through your actions) that you believe that she CAN do it if she wants to bad enough, she will forever remain the victim
And as long as you keep enmeshing yourself in her drama you will never allow yourself to be open to a relationship with a healthy gal that has the same needs, wants and dreams as you.
As long as you stay comfortable with seeing her as a victim nothing will change.
Until you show her ( through your actions) that you believe that she CAN do it if she wants to bad enough, she will forever remain the victim
And as long as you keep enmeshing yourself in her drama you will never allow yourself to be open to a relationship with a healthy gal that has the same needs, wants and dreams as you.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Im' just kidding Steve, ya know we luv ya!
Oh, how I wish you would find a gal that would appreciate a good heart like yours! THat is my wish for you.
Maybe you don't want someone to luv you in a normal way? Maybe you like the "unattainable" love, knowing it can never be?
What do you think? Am I psychoanalyzing you? I'ts just a thought? Don't know?
Oh, how I wish you would find a gal that would appreciate a good heart like yours! THat is my wish for you.
Maybe you don't want someone to luv you in a normal way? Maybe you like the "unattainable" love, knowing it can never be?
What do you think? Am I psychoanalyzing you? I'ts just a thought? Don't know?
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kiki-
thank you. i do want to be loved in a normal way. before all the drug stuff got out of control there was that. not always but there was something there. i know the difference between when someone is just saying things and when there is something deep inside. i also know that i fall for the just saying things sometimes. i know she uses manipulation. but i also know that those moments when she hits the lows and opens up that the person is still in there. and i know that person is capable of normal love, but i also know that that window closes quickly and she falls back into the comfort of crack.
i know that i have spent a lot of time alone and that i do not need to be with someone. i know there is a toxicity between us. i also know that i made a bit of progress and can not fall back into a rut. i am in a small one right now, but i understand that without her going to rehab and seriously working at it that there is no chance of a future.
i know it will still hurt but i know i hav eto stay looking forward.
about that love thing. i know it may found like childish fantasy. i really do, i even question it myself. maybe there is some dysfunction on both of our parts, but who is not without some dysfunction? as crazy or stupid or inexperienced as i may seem on this board, you would not beleive who i am outsode of this. i just come off that way becasue this is my sounding board. this and therapy.
im not saying i do not have my issues. i have my emotional void, the thing that needs to be filled. she is the same way. so there is this thing there that may be unhealthy, but could be healthy. i know when i get like this i do not leave myseof totally open to meet others, but sometimes i dont want that, other times i do. i havea bit of confidence issues at times. but you know when you are with a certain person that you have all of that. thats how this feels. i grew my hair long again, and at my age that makes me feel a little undesirable. but that is just superficial stuff i guess. i keep living on the fantasy of potential. as much as i break free of that, there is always an bit of it alive that keeps me there. i dont know if htis makes sense or not
thank you. i do want to be loved in a normal way. before all the drug stuff got out of control there was that. not always but there was something there. i know the difference between when someone is just saying things and when there is something deep inside. i also know that i fall for the just saying things sometimes. i know she uses manipulation. but i also know that those moments when she hits the lows and opens up that the person is still in there. and i know that person is capable of normal love, but i also know that that window closes quickly and she falls back into the comfort of crack.
i know that i have spent a lot of time alone and that i do not need to be with someone. i know there is a toxicity between us. i also know that i made a bit of progress and can not fall back into a rut. i am in a small one right now, but i understand that without her going to rehab and seriously working at it that there is no chance of a future.
i know it will still hurt but i know i hav eto stay looking forward.
about that love thing. i know it may found like childish fantasy. i really do, i even question it myself. maybe there is some dysfunction on both of our parts, but who is not without some dysfunction? as crazy or stupid or inexperienced as i may seem on this board, you would not beleive who i am outsode of this. i just come off that way becasue this is my sounding board. this and therapy.
im not saying i do not have my issues. i have my emotional void, the thing that needs to be filled. she is the same way. so there is this thing there that may be unhealthy, but could be healthy. i know when i get like this i do not leave myseof totally open to meet others, but sometimes i dont want that, other times i do. i havea bit of confidence issues at times. but you know when you are with a certain person that you have all of that. thats how this feels. i grew my hair long again, and at my age that makes me feel a little undesirable. but that is just superficial stuff i guess. i keep living on the fantasy of potential. as much as i break free of that, there is always an bit of it alive that keeps me there. i dont know if htis makes sense or not
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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cece-
i did finally say it is all or nothing. it has scared her, but we'll see how much that lasts. i think sometimes i feel too old to find the love i think about or maybe that i know i am not in a place to meet someone new. if i am emotionally drained, what do i have to offer?
alice-
i like the way you put that. it makes me realize that as much as i want her to stick with rehab, i have to stick by my boundary of that being necessary or it is cheapened!
i am printing that one
i did finally say it is all or nothing. it has scared her, but we'll see how much that lasts. i think sometimes i feel too old to find the love i think about or maybe that i know i am not in a place to meet someone new. if i am emotionally drained, what do i have to offer?
alice-
i like the way you put that. it makes me realize that as much as i want her to stick with rehab, i have to stick by my boundary of that being necessary or it is cheapened!
i am printing that one
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