darkpen

Well, I came here last year with the best of intentions, but that didn't work out so well. Started drinking again not too long after. I'd stopped for a few days, then had just one drink and was pretty proud of myself. I did that maybe one or two more times, just have the one drink, and then it's like something took over and I couldn't stop at just the one drink again.

Went out for just one beer last night and it turned into 6. Went to McDonald's after to cover up the beer breath and got some milkshakes for the wife, saying I was just tired. Argh!

I woke up in cold sweat and pissed off at myself yet again. But this time I'm back here, and I'm going to stop it for good!

The worst part is, I don't *have* to drink, and I don't feel bad if I don't. I just always end up talking myself into going for just one, even though I know it can never be just one...! I wish I had one of those electroshock collars or bracelets and give myself a shock every time I reach out for a drink.

Anyway, I have to start talking myself *out* of the drink now. I reset my sobriety date to today (sigh) and I'm back!

ttbp

Hello and welcome back. You can do this x

zorilla

my sobriety date is today too.
going into rehab

i hope they don't use those electroshock collars!!lol

darkpen

Thanks I forgot there always seems to be someone on here, no matter what time of the day or night; I'll probably need it, too!

Hey, whatever works, right? lol

Best of luck with rehab!

zorilla

Best of luck to you too..
Today's gonna be a good day...........

Alva

In the past I have been pressured by my family or told them I was quitting just to smooth it over then when the dust settled I was back to my old ways. Maybe with you calling your own shot, same as I'm doing this time will lead down the path of success.

Regardless good luck darkpen

Dee74

welcome back darkpen

D

sugarbear1

Welcome to a sober life! You can do it!

Coco210

Been there, been there, and been there...again! I guess when enough is really enough...then the work begins. I am there...day 10. We have to meet the ugliness halfway for it to work!

Anna

Welcome back, Darkpen!

lookinforward

I was gonna say that darkpen may be onto something. That would definitely curb the appeal.
Welcome back darkpen!

stuartp

Darkpen . . . my final day of drinking was when I came home just 'to catch a buzz' and ending up pretty drunk. The wife was pissed off (again). I realized that I really, really couldn't just catch a buzz, or have just one, or have just two. I only could have just NONE. And it was that day I stopped fooling myself (I stopped fooling everyone else long before then). One that day, it all became black and white to me . . .no drinking, and the gray area of 'managing' my drinking was done with. That was seven weeks ago (not forever, but a long, long time for me). And I never looked back.

Well, and if I did look back, I knew where that was heading. Good luck to you, welcome back and keep posting and let us know how it's going.

NightsWatch

Haha... ouch! I'm the same way. While sober, I'm always like, "I'll just have one" as if it's something I have been able to do consistently. While I have been able to stick with 1-2 at times, I would be obsessing about the 3rd one until it was time to leave the restaurant/bar.

Anyway, welcome back! Being here has helped me so far, and it's a good place to get some support for what we're going through. Hope you stick around!

artsoul

Glad you're back, darkpen! :day6

cb01361990

Just remember that even though a relapse may set you back, it is never too late to keep going. It is never too late to live a sober life.

darkpen

Thanks for all the support, but I'm starting to doubt if I’m worth it!

I had this voice in the back of my head all day saying I should have one last one before I quit forever. And I listened!

Of course, one turned into five plus a shooter (because those 'friends' at the pub have no clue you're battling anything).

For whatever reason, though, I guess I needed it, because now I see it as it is... you can call it a demon, an addiction, whatever, but my own head is messing with me to get one more all the time. So I’m back to day 1, but I'm somewhat happy I gave myself a send-off in some way. It's strange how the 'want' is so powerful.

But as strong as it is, and even though it put me back to square 1 on the first day, I’m glad it happened so I can say I did it without regrets (if that makes any sense? it doesn't to me rationally, but it still 'feels' right to say it).

The funny thing is, this happened on the one day I forgot my phone, and I was going to check the forum before I gave in. Argh!

In any case, not happy I gave in, but happy at the same time because now I’m looking forward.

On the upside, I’m still in the September class...! And I feel like my iPhone will be my chip, I'll probably be checking in several times a day to fight the craving.

As an aside, in my first post (from last year, and even yesterday) I think I remember saying I never got cravings, and I still believed I didn't get them until now. To me, it's not a craving like "I need a cigarette" or anything like that... It was literally my own voice in my head telling me I could handle it, I could give myself a send-off, that I should be proud of myself for kicking off the habit and just treat myself to one last one. It wasn't a powerful 'physical' craving, but it was there mentally, and that scares me now--if only because I didn't think I was 'deep' enough to have them (but only that I couldn't recognize them!).

Bit of a rant, of course, bear with me, but I’m back to square 1 and I’m really ticked at myself. I don't want to quit!

MsJax

Hi darkpen, I see you have an iPhone. I like using the iPromises app, it's free & it has a sobriety counter along with space personal triggers, reflections, etc. Interesting stuff that can help with focus.

freshstart57

Darkpen, you mentioned a few times about a voice inside your head that was telling you that you could / should / deserved a drink or five. You have started to recognize that 'addictive voice'.

google Rational Recovery to see if it might make sense for you. Good luck.

darkpen

Downloading it right now. I knew there had to be something I could carry with me! I already made a web app for the forum, but of course I had to forget my phone today, but that's such a rare occurrence that I want to have a reminder/help on it. Thanks!

darkpen

Bookmarked. I'll read it later tonight, for sure, or at the very least tomorrow morning; thanks a lot! I figure information is power, and even though knowing the biological effects of alcohol have obviously not stopped me, I'm still looking for information about what the heck is going on in my head!

This voice really scared me in a way, because even though I was having this discussion with myself, in some way I almost felt withdrawn from it, as if one part of me was having it with another, with me completely aware of it but not participating.