FindingPeace1

Here's me being raw and vulnerable (thank god you all are virtual becuase I can't imagine admitting this to someone in person...other than a therapist!)

An update:
Things are good at work. The summer rush is over and I feel more competent now.
Emotionally, I have ups and downs. I still have those waves of grief that come at unexpected times and leave me sobbing for hours on the floor, but I also have days I am well.
If I am with friends, doing stuff, I am good. I don't perseverate on my xah.
I even went on a date (!). it was fun. I didn't take it too seriously and ended saying I knew I still needed to do my work, but I really appreciated it.
Sounds great, right?

Here's the thing...
In the big picture...daily...I'm having problems with self care.

I'm exhausted, but I can't get myself to stop watching Grey's Anatomy episodes on netflix and GO TO BED. So I'm not getting enough sleep. This happens near every night. I love sleep. I sleep well. I just can't get myself to let go at the end of the night. To let the next day come.

I can't seem to cook. I have a fridge full of food which I am not eating. I love cooking. I can cook for others just fine and have a few times in the last year. Otherwise, I am so tired when I get home...I eat out almost every meal. Sometimes, though, once or twice a week, I don't feel even like getting food at a restaurant (all of which I have been to a zillion times and I am SICK of). Then it is popcorn or candy or marshmallows or something else no good.

I don't even want to brush my teeth. Or floss. I am so embarrassed, but I am SUCKING at brushing my teeth, even. It seems so...cheerful and self loving to do that. So routine. I feel tired. I. DON'T.FEEL.LIKE.IT.

Not to mention cleaning my house. I do, like once a week, but it is a wreck. I actually locked the door last night for fear someone would drop by (who? no one) and see my mess. I live in a one room studio and it is a WRECK. But could I clean it? I got home at 7pm and stayed up till 1:30 watching tv rather than clean.

I have no clean uniforms, but I can't get myself to do the wash.

I feel like I have no energy to do these things.
I forget at work that I feel like this. I eat lunch there. I work fine there.

I come home...maybe it is because I am alone? I come home and its like I am watching myself through a glass window. Its like I have no control over me. I just want to lay down and watch t.v.
At the end of every episode I literally tell myself I should turn it off and I watch myself push "next episode". I feel EXHAUSTED. It makes no difference that I know what I should do. I don't listen AT.ALL. I have no oomph to make myself take care of myself. I have NO drive or power over me. Like me at 17 can't get myself to do my homework and not going to bed - having sex even though I knew it was a bad idea. just.like.that.

I'm hiding.
How can I do so well at work? how can I be so normal when I go away for the weekend with friends?

I am so grieving. It feels endless. Even though often I feel just fine.

Does that make sense?

I can't get on health insurance till Nov to start up therapy. I have one I hear is good that comes to the park. I am just waiting.

I think it might be getting worse. I occasionally picture coming home and just laying down in bed, curling up and staying here. If only they wouldn't come looking for me and fire me and kick me out of park housing and I could just rest.

It sounds suicidal. I really am not. I do appreciate life and live in a beautiful place and feel lucky to be alive. I want to get better. I want to be open to a new relationship. I want to do fun things in this life.

When I am out doing fun things (which I schedule occasionally) I am happy and have fun.
When I am at work, I am pretty focused and good.
I'd say for the most part (out of my house) I am good.

...

I'm depressed, huh?
I was at 17, too.

Pretty much being depressed feels like the worst thing that could happen to me. Far worse than divorce.
It seemed so impossible to recover from at 17.
I don't want to be depressed!
I want to be wise and peaceful and heal from this with grace.
I want to be accepting.
I want to wish my x well and love him as I go about my happy, chosen life.
DAMN!

What now?

fp

AllAboutheGirls

It seems you and I are having the same day. I have a class in an hour and still cant make myself move! I actually started an amail to him in my mind to tell him I want a divorce - didn't do that either. But I will...

Im going to wash tears from my face and try to start this day over dammit!

When I'm in survival mode, like now, I go into auto pilot. Remember just stop thinkin...

Tuffgirl

Situational depression, FP. Welcome to my world. I take mild antidepressants...have you tried any? Took me a few experiences until I found the perfect combo that keeps me focused without revving me up past the point of functionality. Someone said here (and darn it if I can't remember who said it...sorry!) that if your car were stuck in a ditch, you'd call a tow truck, right? Pay the Dr visit, ask for samples to tide you over until insurance kicks in. You only need to go to a mid-level for a script, and they are usually much less expensive than an actual MD.

That said, I make myself do things. I play mind games with myself. I keep myself pretty booked so I don't slide into the incredible urge to go back to bed. I have people I call...my Mom especially...to remind me of what's real and what is an emotional response to loss. You are human, you are hurting, you are grieving, this is all very normal. And it is a process so over time it will get easier to get moving again, but time is the operative word.

Take good care of yourself. Be gentle, as folks say here. I plan to take tomorrow off and just relax at home and will probably do that for a while - take a Wednesday off to regroup and let the facade down for a bit. I know the time will come when I will feel like me again, and I am looking forward to that. In the meantime, I grit my teeth and bear it as best I can.

PS - thanks for the welcome into the divorce club. Unfortunately for me, it is a welcome back. This is my second divorce and I am horrified. I purposely waited 9 years to decide to remarry and thought I had chosen wisely and rationally - boy did I **** that up again. Darn it!

FindingPeace1

Thanks, tuffgirl. You're welcome back to the club anytime.

GRIEVING! HOLY COW am I grieving!

I just tidied a bit and did some dishes (whew).
Mom's coming tomorrow, so I am doing it for her.
I can't seem to do it for me, so I'll do it for her.

I'm so grieving.

Maybe I'll pay out of pocket for the therapist for a little while.

I feel like I need help.

I am SO SO SO resistant to meds. I don't want to be "that bad". I don't want to be "f-ed up". I don't want to be dependent on anything.
I used to judge anyone who used meds. Now, I see how much good they have done for others I love with mental illness or depression.
Somehow, the rules are different when it comes to me.

Smallsteps

When I get in a funk, I resort to to-do lists. I write down the things I want to accomplish, then tackle them one at a time and cross them off when done.

Seeing the checked-off results in black and white, even if it's just "brush teeth," "empty dishwasher," "wash load of laundry," is strangely soothing and makes me feel more like I'm actively participating in my life instead of just watching the movie.

Hugs to you,

Smallsteps

GettingBy

FP... I'm right there with you. Trying to find the motivation to just the next right thing... is tough. I'm struggling to get the simplest of tasks completed... and large engineering projects?!?! Forget about it.

I'm doing my best to stay patient with myself. Focus on finding something to be grateful for... and then look around and find something small to accomplish. Sometimes that's just getting up and brushing my teeth - but if I can do one small thing, maybe I can do another... and then another. And in time, I firmly believe my strength will come back.

For today, I'm okay. I'm right where I am suppose to be.

Hopefully some of that helps... just know that you are not alone. I'm grateful you posted with such honesty - it helped me to read that today. Thank you.
Shannon

FindingPeace1

Thank you so much.
The stupid things is, as a separate issue, I have a weird hang up around "to dos".
If I put it on a list, I tend to avoid the list and feel oppressed by the things I have to do that I am not getting done.
One issue at a time!

I showered. I brushed teeth.
It helps a little bit to share, so that's good.
fp

painterman

Tuffgirl is right. Depression is treatable-you are obviously cautious about medication so I don't think short term that will be a problem.The other side of it is maybe less obvious, how do you better your self esteem and cater for your spiritual needs? Maybe you have lost some trust along the way and need to let people back into your life-I'm sure it will come! best wishes

Seren

I have used meds on 2 occasions in the past. Does that truly color your perception of me?

Both times were during my ill-fated first marriage, so I believe that it was situational depression.

Do you see me as less strong somehow? Do you think that I am "less than" you or anyone else? I certainly hope not, but if you do that's OK. It's just your opinion. I know that I am just fine and will continue to be just fine.

I think you, too, will be just fine if you do, indeed, make the decision with your doctor to go on meds for a period of time. Try to think of it as a bit of temporary assistance.

Hugs, HG

StarCat

I understand this. I am not divorced, but I have been working through the same sort of moods.
It helps to start routines one at a time. Recently I started taking a multivitamin (my idea) and fish oil (recommended by my doctor). I have been working on going to doctors I should go to, one at a time... Got new contacts at the eye doctor, got a blood test at a "normal" doctor, next one on the list is a dentist since I haven't been to one in forever.
I also signed up for a Yoga class on Thursday nights, it will be good for me to get out and get some exercise.

I still slip sometimes.
I forgot to brush my teeth this morning, oops. I haven't flossed in years, either.
And I can't help you with the netflix thing, I have a similar problem, only with NCIS on DVD. I'm on Season 7, though, so when I finish that I'll have to stop, there is no more. This is why I don't buy netflix.

For the cooking, I started getting some of those instant things at the supermarket. You know, the things that come in a pouch or a box and you just add common ingredients like water, milk, and margarine, in a predetermined order? They're cheap, and they're like a speedy version of cooking, so I can get myself into a habit of cooking most nights after work without feeling like I did a lot of work.
I also keep a supply of healthy cereal, for the nights I don't want to cook. Since it's healthy to eat cereal, I do not feel this is a bad thing. I pick ones that are high in fiber, because that will also help stabilize my cholesterol, which is apparently all over the map. (Three cholesterol tests in the last month, all completely different results, although all are within a mostly-healthy range, but one says my bad cholesterol is too high, the other that my good cholesterol is too low, and the third that everything is perfect. Oh well, I'm a work in progress.)

There is grieving to be done.
Sometimes when grieving, it's easier to look at the little picture, and just focus on one thing until it becomes a habit, then move on to the next one.

catlovermi

There is nothing wrong with using meds as a bridge, to get your axis straightened out. They can work wonders.

There is another therapy for correcting the brain chemical axis in a depressed brain chemistry: intense lumen (light) therapy. This is used a lot for folks who get seasonal affective disorder (depression due to decreasing daylight) and it works very well for some. It might be something you'd be interested in!

CLMI

nowinsituation

My home office is overwhelmingly cluttered right now. It is causing my LOTS of stress, so I mostly avoid it by watching TV

When I can stand to work on it.... I make myself do "5"....

Five things get picked up and put where they belong. Or five things get entered into the computer..... Five is not overwhelming. And, then, maybe I do 5 more, and maybe 5 more. I don't worry about getting it all done. And, I allow myself to quit after any 5 are done, no guilt, no shame.... Pat on the back for getting 5 done.

It helps me, maybe it will help you?

lc2846

Peace, don't worry about taking meds because it somehow makes you a failure. 35% of the country is a failure if that were the case.

That said, I didn't do well with antidepressants. They gave me an uncomfortable emptiness - I wasn't depressed, but I didn't feel good, either. I just didn't feel, period.

For me, I've discovered some clever tricks to turn me around when I felt like you. My mantra is always, "begin with the body." So instead of thinking of cleaning the whole house (which is overwhelming), I put a broom in my hand and start sweeping. When that's done, I look for one more thing to do. If I'm tired, I sit down and take a break, instead of branding myself a failure for not finishing.

How's your diet? I believe you said you're vegetarian, so if you can find a way to get some more fat into your diet that's consistent with your way of eating, your brain will thank you for it. And not olive oil, either (too much omega-6)! Try coconut milk in full fat Greek yogurt with some whey (not soy!) protein powder and fresh raspberries or cocoa powder. Eat eggs - yolks and all. My depression turned around 100% when I went from lowfat to paleo last year and started taking fish oil, magnesium, and vitamin D. (I lost 20 pounds, too.)

Finally, I learned that all that computer time was frying my dopamine receptors. If you've ever suspected that you have ADHD, know that computer games and the like will make it far worse because it messes with your dopamine. For a great explanation of what too much computer time does to your brain, this YouTube series (I know, it's on the computer!) is great at explaining the biochemistry. Although it's for male porn addicts, it really addresses computer addiction of all kinds.

This isn't to discount the grief you're feeling because of your divorce. Just suggesting that you need all of your weapons to win this battle, and the best ones are inside your body. Focusing on my body also helps me to understand the "why" behind "what's happening." It doesn't fix the what, but learning that many of my problems were physical and could be addressed with physical solutions made me stop doubting myself - which in turn helped me with my depression because it made me feel empowered.

Hugs, FP - you'll get this figured out!

Tuffgirl

Aside from anti-depressants, which I reiterate that they are the mildest dosage available but really help with keeping me anxiety free and focused, I also started paying attention to my diet and exercise. As lc says above, I increased my good-fat intake through oils - a broad spectrum Omega that I take in a tablespoon with a glass of water. I also increased my Vitamin D...living in Alaska...Vit D is a necessity. I make sure to get daily exercise in some form. Often, its a quiet solitary walk with the pups close to the end of the day so I can process and reflect (take my own personal inventory). I can honestly say that in the last 9 months of doing this, any physical symptoms of the stress and depression have all but disappeared and my hair and nails are super healthy. My skin looks fantastic! I am sold on supplements now.

Hang in there, FP. You are not alone.
~T

lc2846

There's something really soothing about going outside at dusk, even for five or ten minutes. I'm glad I live in a neighborhood that's safe enough to walk in just at the time it's getting dark. When I'm feeling sad, it gives me a chance to move around in the world and still be invisible.

choublak

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with taking medication if you feel you truly need it.

I take meds for adult ADD, and an antidepressant.

choublak

Stop watching tv right before bed! lol

Do you have a tv in your bedroom?

Here are some tips that might help:

Sleep Hygiene

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I think it is normal after you go through a break-up or a big life altering change to not have any motivation and get in a rut. You feel like you jsut want to hide from the world for a while. You are re-grouping and figuring things out. Just remember that "This Too Shall Pass". Try and not stay in the rut for too long and brush those choppers!! lol

LifeRecovery

FindingPeace-

I have always struggled with self-care. You are so right it is so hard to talk about. I especially struggle in the evenings and I especially struggle around food, sleep and teeth brushing, general upkeep and chores. Work is not nearly as impacted as I am around others and at times know I am a work a holic.

A couple of things. I did go on anti-depressants for some time (about a year) as I was healing from my own recovery (eating disorder). They helped me immensely to bridge the gap and settle into myself to let the healing actually happen. I was working with a therapist at the time so don't know if alone they would have been as much help. I fought it though for awhile, but am glad that I did it.

With my divorce, dealing with alcoholism etc I was really worried about getting depressed again. I made a deal with my therapist that she would be honest with me if she sensed/thought there was a problem, and I would be honest with her about it. That helped me to not have to be so anxious about my own behavior.

One of the things that happened to me about the same time that I found out about my ex's affair, and started to deal with his alcohol use, was that I was REALLY vit D deficient. I am vegetarian, but do drink milk and live in a very sunny place but it did not matter. It was a cheap treatment of high dose Vit D for eight weeks, and they are finding that with normal levels of D decrease the risk of depression. I don't know for sure, but I think that helped me come through things without getting too off kilter.

Finally my very wise therapist reminded me that sometimes I work way to hard (on healing, on reading, on work, on Al-Anon, on finding myself), and that I just need to rest. It is not about the physicality of the work I do, but that my body has been under so much stress. That can mean watching reruns on TV (Holy Moly I watched a lot of TV the last 10months), and I don't even have a TV. It distracted me, which as I am starting to come out of it was not a bad thing....being present was a lot of hard work at the time. It allowed me to deal with things peacemeal and do it safely. I am starting to recycle through the grief process and the time space has helped immensely.

I know it does not feel like it but I have experienced on more than one occasion these behaviors passing, I suspect it will for you too.

caughthiminject

I'm right there with you. I watch TV around the clock. Whole packages of series. I can't even fall asleep without leaving the TV on. I was going to go to the gym today but I couldn't even bring myself to go outside. I just wanted to cry. I ended up ordering pizza because there wasn't any food.

The only difference is I'm freakishly obsessive about cleaning my room and myself and my teeth. I just have to have some kind of order and cleanliness. I had two naps today though. All I can think about is my AXBF and how much I miss him.

The only good thing is at least I have lost weight from being so sad. I'm about 20kg overweight, so this could be a good thing. Now if I can stop crying long enough to go to the gym tomorrow, that will be good.