What do you do if AH won't leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
What do you do if AH won't leave?
I've asked my AH who also has substance abuse issues to move out of our apartment (largely because it was my apartment for 5 years before I met him).
At first he was just furious, and seemed to think he could talk me out of my decision. He even demanded that we go to the counsellor we have been seeing to talk it through. We did - in the session he gave zero indication that he wants to change, or that he even sees the addictions as a problem - "OK, the alcohol is a bit much, but you knew about the marijuana and the cigarettes when you married me, so you signed up for those." (He smokes 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes, and 2 or more joints every day, on top of the alcohol). He also suggested that we should stay together to motivate him - that throwing him out of his home would only make things worse.
I am clear that I cannot help him - I've already lived in the "if I just love him enough he won't need to use those things" trap for 6 years. I want a separation. I don't know yet if it has to be permanent.
But I really don't want to leave the apartment that I found while I was still single, and furnished and decorated pretty much by myself. He now says he won't be rushed and it's going to take time to find somewhere decent and he refuses to "couch surf" in the meantime. I think he might be able to stay with his mother, but he hasn't told her what is going on yet.
So my question is, what do I do if he just won't leave? He is not violent or abusive, and I would prefer not to take legal measures (if there are any). But I'd love to hear if anyone else has experience with this situation.
At first he was just furious, and seemed to think he could talk me out of my decision. He even demanded that we go to the counsellor we have been seeing to talk it through. We did - in the session he gave zero indication that he wants to change, or that he even sees the addictions as a problem - "OK, the alcohol is a bit much, but you knew about the marijuana and the cigarettes when you married me, so you signed up for those." (He smokes 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes, and 2 or more joints every day, on top of the alcohol). He also suggested that we should stay together to motivate him - that throwing him out of his home would only make things worse.
I am clear that I cannot help him - I've already lived in the "if I just love him enough he won't need to use those things" trap for 6 years. I want a separation. I don't know yet if it has to be permanent.
But I really don't want to leave the apartment that I found while I was still single, and furnished and decorated pretty much by myself. He now says he won't be rushed and it's going to take time to find somewhere decent and he refuses to "couch surf" in the meantime. I think he might be able to stay with his mother, but he hasn't told her what is going on yet.
So my question is, what do I do if he just won't leave? He is not violent or abusive, and I would prefer not to take legal measures (if there are any). But I'd love to hear if anyone else has experience with this situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
For what its worth...I left. Pretty simple. Found another super cute place to fix up and make my own, and I like it even better!
If you prefer not to take legal measures - that's really your only option.
If you prefer not to take legal measures - that's really your only option.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
In my situation, I own the house. So, asking my ABF to leave was tough, tough, tough. I eventually asked him to talk to his mom about it. He did. It took awhile to get the process going and for him to move out.
Now, he seems to be healing, and so do I.
Our separation from living together has been official since May 9. I don't know what the future holds, but today I'm living serenity.
Now, he seems to be healing, and so do I.
Our separation from living together has been official since May 9. I don't know what the future holds, but today I'm living serenity.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bay area, ca
Posts: 87
Yes, I went thru something very similar.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-leave.html
After a lot of stress and heartache, I ended up moving out..
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-leave.html
After a lot of stress and heartache, I ended up moving out..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Sometimes you have to accept that you might have to change your living space to get away from your qualifier. My exH wouldn't move out, said he had no money. So I started the divorce process and as part of it we put our house on the market. We were actually divorced a month and still living together because we had another month to close on our house. I should add that we have 2 children, so he STILL wouldn't leave to keep our children in their home. We've downsized considerably and now I don't have to see him everyday and you know what? I'd take that ANY DAY over the chaos of living with him.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Astolfo,
I don't believe there are going to be any magic words that will get him to move.
Even if his name is not on the lease, you may have to provide him with a 30-day written eviction notice to be acted upon by the police at the end of that time.
If his name is on the lease, your only choice may be to move yourself if he is unwilling to go.
Good luck with your decision! HG
I don't believe there are going to be any magic words that will get him to move.
Even if his name is not on the lease, you may have to provide him with a 30-day written eviction notice to be acted upon by the police at the end of that time.
If his name is on the lease, your only choice may be to move yourself if he is unwilling to go.
Good luck with your decision! HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
No pain, no gain. Life is filled with these kinds of compromising decisions. It looks like you are going to have to decide what is really important. An apartment or your well being. I would look at it as an adventure. If you are starting over you might just as well have a new apartment, with a new look. A home just for you, a place to make new memories, free of the past.
I agree it may not be fair, but it sure will be worth it. All my best to you
I agree it may not be fair, but it sure will be worth it. All my best to you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
If you do decide you will leave since he won't, be very sure that the lease is changed to his name, the electric bill etc... and protect yourself in that regard or else he'll be living there with you paying the bills.
If you ask him to leave and he won't and you feel fearful of him, you could call the police and ask that they escort him out. That wouldn't be permanent though.
You could also apply for a RO and that would (if it were granted) require that he leave.
I've been in your shoes. I had to say it over and over and over and not back down many times before he finally left. It wasn't fun or easy but he did finally leave.
If you ask him to leave and he won't and you feel fearful of him, you could call the police and ask that they escort him out. That wouldn't be permanent though.
You could also apply for a RO and that would (if it were granted) require that he leave.
I've been in your shoes. I had to say it over and over and over and not back down many times before he finally left. It wasn't fun or easy but he did finally leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Astolfo 
I've asked my AH who also has substance abuse issues to move out of our apartment (largely because it was my apartment for 5 years before I met him).
At first he was just furious, and seemed to think he could talk me out of my decision. He even demanded that we go to the counsellor we have been seeing to talk it through. We did - in the session he gave zero indication that he wants to change, or that he even sees the addictions as a problem - "OK, the alcohol is a bit much, but you knew about the marijuana and the cigarettes when you married me, so you signed up for those." (He smokes 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes, and 2 or more joints every day, on top of the alcohol). He also suggested that we should stay together to motivate him - that throwing him out of his home would only make things worse.
I am clear that I cannot help him - I've already lived in the "if I just love him enough he won't need to use those things" trap for 6 years. I want a separation. I don't know yet if it has to be permanent.
But I really don't want to leave the apartment that I found while I was still single, and furnished and decorated pretty much by myself. He now says he won't be rushed and it's going to take time to find somewhere decent and he refuses to "couch surf" in the meantime. I think he might be able to stay with his mother, but he hasn't told her what is going on yet.
So my question is, what do I do if he just won't leave? He is not violent or abusive, and I would prefer not to take legal measures (if there are any). But I'd love to hear if anyone else has experience with this situation.
At first he was just furious, and seemed to think he could talk me out of my decision. He even demanded that we go to the counsellor we have been seeing to talk it through. We did - in the session he gave zero indication that he wants to change, or that he even sees the addictions as a problem - "OK, the alcohol is a bit much, but you knew about the marijuana and the cigarettes when you married me, so you signed up for those." (He smokes 1 to 2 packs of cigarettes, and 2 or more joints every day, on top of the alcohol). He also suggested that we should stay together to motivate him - that throwing him out of his home would only make things worse.
I am clear that I cannot help him - I've already lived in the "if I just love him enough he won't need to use those things" trap for 6 years. I want a separation. I don't know yet if it has to be permanent.
But I really don't want to leave the apartment that I found while I was still single, and furnished and decorated pretty much by myself. He now says he won't be rushed and it's going to take time to find somewhere decent and he refuses to "couch surf" in the meantime. I think he might be able to stay with his mother, but he hasn't told her what is going on yet.
So my question is, what do I do if he just won't leave? He is not violent or abusive, and I would prefer not to take legal measures (if there are any). But I'd love to hear if anyone else has experience with this situation.
I live on the Island-went through something similar-EXABF got drunk once too often, threatened me and my dog, I called the cops, they removed him and I wouldn't let him back in. I lived in a suite, the lease was in my name and was planning a move in spite of what happened.
Here's a link to the BC Residential Tenancy Act - this may provide some answers. http://www.tenants.bc.ca/main/
Hope it helps.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You have a few options:
a) Since the lease is in your name (right?), you can take legal measures to have him removed. It can get messy though, and the police may need to be involved.
OR
B) You can re-assign your lease to someone else and leave before the lease is up. Having read your post, I highly doubt that your AH will agree to take the lease on himself, but if that is a possibility, you can talk to the landlord and see if he/she will accept your AH in a lease re-assignment.
OR
C) You can see when your lease ends and move out on your own. It's just an apartment and doesn't define you. It can however trap you with a toxic partner, so sometimes it's best to just leave it behind. You can find someplace else and decorate it to your liking.
As for the crap he spewed in counselling about knowing what kind of man he was before you married him and having "signed on" for this madness...that's utter b.s. You can, at any time, choose to end a relationship, and nothing binds you to a person forever.
Keep us posted on what happens!
a) Since the lease is in your name (right?), you can take legal measures to have him removed. It can get messy though, and the police may need to be involved.
OR
B) You can re-assign your lease to someone else and leave before the lease is up. Having read your post, I highly doubt that your AH will agree to take the lease on himself, but if that is a possibility, you can talk to the landlord and see if he/she will accept your AH in a lease re-assignment.
OR
C) You can see when your lease ends and move out on your own. It's just an apartment and doesn't define you. It can however trap you with a toxic partner, so sometimes it's best to just leave it behind. You can find someplace else and decorate it to your liking.
As for the crap he spewed in counselling about knowing what kind of man he was before you married him and having "signed on" for this madness...that's utter b.s. You can, at any time, choose to end a relationship, and nothing binds you to a person forever.
Keep us posted on what happens!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
Thank you all for your replies and suggestions - they are immensely helpful. In fact, this site is amazing.
I think I am going to give it another week and see if there is any movement on his part, but at the same time start looking for a place for myself. You are right, the stress of making the change to a new place is nothing compared to the stress of staying, trapped with him and his problems.
I think I am going to give it another week and see if there is any movement on his part, but at the same time start looking for a place for myself. You are right, the stress of making the change to a new place is nothing compared to the stress of staying, trapped with him and his problems.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I agree as well. I did not want to move, but my ex-husband refused to leave. I have learned that home is a calm, tension-free place where I can go at the end of the day, it's a place where I just breathe easier.
I have also learned that sometimes the thing you really don't want to happen turns out to be the best thing that could happen.
I live alone in a teeny tiny house, just me and my dog, and sometimes my daughter. It's the smallest, most run-down place in which I have ever lived, but I have never felt more successful or happy in my entire life. Who knew?
I have also learned that sometimes the thing you really don't want to happen turns out to be the best thing that could happen.
I live alone in a teeny tiny house, just me and my dog, and sometimes my daughter. It's the smallest, most run-down place in which I have ever lived, but I have never felt more successful or happy in my entire life. Who knew?
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