Caught My Son On Stealing Meds Part 2
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Caught My Son On Stealing Meds Part 2
I posted last week about how I caught my son with a hidden camera stealing meds from my wife & I. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ling-meds.html
He called me yesterday (the day after I confronted him with the theft) with what I guess was a confession. The family knew he went to rehab for an addiction to pain pills. He revealed that the primary reason he was because he's also a "heroin junkie" (his words). I was stunned, no one in the family had any idea that he was using heroin. I didn't even think you could get heroin in our area. But, things also fell into place. His mother & I talked about what pain pills he was taking to make him as blown out as he was. Now we know. That's the amazing thing about life, it's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Then he told me that he can't feel bad about stealing the ativan & muscle relaxers. Though he hasn't relapsed, he's struggling with staying off "roxys" & heroin. His sobriety from roxys & heroin is too important too him, & if he let's himself be down about the theft & being tossed out of the house, he'll be more likely to relapse.
The father in me thinks, "That arrogant, selfish sh!t. He'll be damned before he takes responsibility for this." But the recovering alcoholic in me (66 days) agrees that his sobriety is the most important thing.
Part of me thinks that his sobriety is a joke, since he's taking ativan & muscle relaxers. But part of me is glad he's not doing roxy's & heroin. Though he's a thief & a liar, I believe him when he says he hasn't relapsed, because my whole family knows what he's like on that crap. The family has talked about it, & no one has seen him in that state since he returned from rehab.
Well, looking on the bright side, at least my life isn't boring. I wonder what exciting things will happen in my world today. : )
He called me yesterday (the day after I confronted him with the theft) with what I guess was a confession. The family knew he went to rehab for an addiction to pain pills. He revealed that the primary reason he was because he's also a "heroin junkie" (his words). I was stunned, no one in the family had any idea that he was using heroin. I didn't even think you could get heroin in our area. But, things also fell into place. His mother & I talked about what pain pills he was taking to make him as blown out as he was. Now we know. That's the amazing thing about life, it's never so bad that it can't get worse.
Then he told me that he can't feel bad about stealing the ativan & muscle relaxers. Though he hasn't relapsed, he's struggling with staying off "roxys" & heroin. His sobriety from roxys & heroin is too important too him, & if he let's himself be down about the theft & being tossed out of the house, he'll be more likely to relapse.
The father in me thinks, "That arrogant, selfish sh!t. He'll be damned before he takes responsibility for this." But the recovering alcoholic in me (66 days) agrees that his sobriety is the most important thing.
Part of me thinks that his sobriety is a joke, since he's taking ativan & muscle relaxers. But part of me is glad he's not doing roxy's & heroin. Though he's a thief & a liar, I believe him when he says he hasn't relapsed, because my whole family knows what he's like on that crap. The family has talked about it, & no one has seen him in that state since he returned from rehab.
Well, looking on the bright side, at least my life isn't boring. I wonder what exciting things will happen in my world today. : )
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
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Yes, no relapse there, he can't relapse as he has never stopped using and is not in recovery.
Strap on your seat belt, you are in for one h#ll of a ride.
Keep working on you, you are no help to anyone if you are not focusing on your recovery.
Strap on your seat belt, you are in for one h#ll of a ride.
Keep working on you, you are no help to anyone if you are not focusing on your recovery.
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Originally Posted by Mad4Chaos 
Then he told me that he can't feel bad about stealing the ativan & muscle relaxers. Though he hasn't relapsed, he's struggling with staying off "roxys" & heroin. His sobriety from roxys & heroin is too important too him, & if he let's himself be down about the theft & being tossed out of the house, he'll be more likely to relapse.
The father in me thinks, "That arrogant, selfish sh!t. He'll be damned before he takes responsibility for this." But the recovering alcoholic in me (66 days) agrees that his sobriety is the most important thing.
He's still stealing and using drugs so it sounds like he's not done yet. No such thing as a lesser evil cause all roads lead to the same place.
It's kind of like a smoker switching to an ultra light cig or an alcoholic with a taste for the hard stuff switching to beer. Just smoke and mirrors.
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Thanks ladies, although I don't feel better about this, I realize that my son's isn't at all in recovery. It's ironic, growing up, my parents were strict & quick to whip my hind end when I needed it. As a kid I resented that & vowed never to treat my own kids that way, & I didn't. And though I worked hard & made my son's childhood as pleasant as I could, but as he got older, he was never content. He always wanted more. Now as an adult, he's spoiled & lacks any self discipline at all. As an adult, I turned out okay (said the alcoholic) & I'm generally a level headed, happy guy. I know being from a poor, strict family shaped who I am today. I gave my son everything that I never had growing up, but now as an adult, he doesn't have the tools to function as one. That old saying really is true, I spared the rod, & I spoiled the child.
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Originally Posted by Mad4Chaos
That old saying really is true, I spared the rod, & I spoiled the child.
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It's too easy to second guess your parenting. I doubt your parenting caused all his problems. My kids were spoiled except to the extent that when they crossed the line, we were strict. One of my kids is fine and one is an addict. I don't think we did anything where I could say we should have tried harder at xyz with my AD and then things would have turned out better. Stay strong and you will get through this.
I'm no angel!
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Today your style of parenting is very common. It works for some children and not for others. I wouldn't blame yourself.
There is still time to turn the boat around. Change your style, become the captain, hand him an oar, show him the proper way to use it, lead and guide him, don't do it for him.
He is still young, now is the time to make a change.
There is still time to turn the boat around. Change your style, become the captain, hand him an oar, show him the proper way to use it, lead and guide him, don't do it for him.
He is still young, now is the time to make a change.
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Lot's of wisdom in these replies. Dollydo's reply got me to thinking. My brother in law uses what I've jokingly called the "tyrant" method of parenting. He was really strict with his son, who is a year older than my son. In our discussion on parenting over the years, he's stated "It doesn't matter if my sons hates me, as long as he turns out to be a productive adult, I've done my job as a parent." It seemed to work initially. The son was an honor student who got a full scholarship to college. Now 2 years later, the kid has flunked out of school, has had 3 DUI's & is in jail because of them. As adults, we all make our own decisions & have to live with them. I guess it's just natural as a parent to question ourselves when our offspring make such terrible life decisions.
I've showed him my toughest love yet since I've made him leave after catching him stealing meds. I haven't heard from him since the day after when he told me he about the heroin use. But playing the What If game (what if he's sleeping on the street, what if he's on heroin, ect.) is pointless. As you gals have said, I have my own recovery to worry about.
Brian
I've showed him my toughest love yet since I've made him leave after catching him stealing meds. I haven't heard from him since the day after when he told me he about the heroin use. But playing the What If game (what if he's sleeping on the street, what if he's on heroin, ect.) is pointless. As you gals have said, I have my own recovery to worry about.
Brian
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My mom and dad raised us all the same. Im a PK (preacher's kid) though my dad is no longer in the ministry.
My dad was more feared than he was huggy and snuggly. That's what some kids need. My addict brother moved out when he was 18 over a green army jacked and earring studs. My parents were very strict. He turned to drugs, and one of my sisters left at 18 too and was an acoholic and a single mom. On the other hand, my other brother is married with a good job and a healthy baby boy, and my other sister works in a hospital and runs the dance team at her church.
kids arent a direct result of how you raise them. Theres a thing called free will that unfortunately can make a parent feel like she failed. My mom thinks that she raised us all the same, so whoever didn't make good choices, it was a result of her failing. As seemingly one of the younger people on these boards, and to any parent who reads this, it isn't true. Like I tell my mom, you did your best, and your kids choices are your kids choices.
My parents have come a long way since those days and are seriously 2 of the most amazing people i know. In hindsight, I feel distant from them. Im married and live on my own now. I visit them when I can. We're all of us adults now and Im DYING for a "best friend" relationship with my dad and its been a certain way for so long I dont think I'll ever get it.
Maybe this is off topic. But all that to say, not sparing the rod does not mean your kid needs to see you like a drill sergeant. And people make decisions. It's not a direct reflection of your parenting. They have a choice just like you did at that age.
sorry for the rant.
My dad was more feared than he was huggy and snuggly. That's what some kids need. My addict brother moved out when he was 18 over a green army jacked and earring studs. My parents were very strict. He turned to drugs, and one of my sisters left at 18 too and was an acoholic and a single mom. On the other hand, my other brother is married with a good job and a healthy baby boy, and my other sister works in a hospital and runs the dance team at her church.
kids arent a direct result of how you raise them. Theres a thing called free will that unfortunately can make a parent feel like she failed. My mom thinks that she raised us all the same, so whoever didn't make good choices, it was a result of her failing. As seemingly one of the younger people on these boards, and to any parent who reads this, it isn't true. Like I tell my mom, you did your best, and your kids choices are your kids choices.
My parents have come a long way since those days and are seriously 2 of the most amazing people i know. In hindsight, I feel distant from them. Im married and live on my own now. I visit them when I can. We're all of us adults now and Im DYING for a "best friend" relationship with my dad and its been a certain way for so long I dont think I'll ever get it.
Maybe this is off topic. But all that to say, not sparing the rod does not mean your kid needs to see you like a drill sergeant. And people make decisions. It's not a direct reflection of your parenting. They have a choice just like you did at that age.
sorry for the rant.
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I think all of us here have heard the old Quack "its not a relapse because my drug of choice is <insert drug here> and I'm taking <different substance>". He's just justifying his use and he certainly doesn't sound done.
B/C he has been to rehab, he knows the tools to get sober if he wants to. He knows where to find help, if he chooses. As for you, the famous saying "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it" would be a good one to remember.
My sister and I are 13 years apart. She was discipline more strictly than I was (I guess my parents were tired by then!). She ended up being the rebellious one and pregnant by 15. You just don't know how one kid will react vs another.
keep reading and posting, it helps
B/C he has been to rehab, he knows the tools to get sober if he wants to. He knows where to find help, if he chooses. As for you, the famous saying "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it" would be a good one to remember.
My sister and I are 13 years apart. She was discipline more strictly than I was (I guess my parents were tired by then!). She ended up being the rebellious one and pregnant by 15. You just don't know how one kid will react vs another.
keep reading and posting, it helps
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Mad4Chaos, addiction in all it's forms is genetic. The switch in the brain gets flipped on when _____ then will manifest in positive or negative ways, and a lot of times both ways. It's truly that random and individual. It's inherent nature plus nurture, and nurture includes ALL influences/experiences, not just family.
My daughter may have required a severe beating the first time she used drugs, to imprint enough of a negative consequence in her brain's reward circuitry. That wasn't possible though, because the drugs were medically necessary at the time (she was 12). Full blown out of control active addiction didn't happen until she was 19, but that switch was flipped a few times before that with alcohol, pot, and more medically necessary narcotics. She also had a couple of concussions in the impulse control part of the brain.
It takes a perfect storm to activate addiction and one to stop it. Like Mother Nature, it's a force way more powerful than us.
My daughter may have required a severe beating the first time she used drugs, to imprint enough of a negative consequence in her brain's reward circuitry. That wasn't possible though, because the drugs were medically necessary at the time (she was 12). Full blown out of control active addiction didn't happen until she was 19, but that switch was flipped a few times before that with alcohol, pot, and more medically necessary narcotics. She also had a couple of concussions in the impulse control part of the brain.
It takes a perfect storm to activate addiction and one to stop it. Like Mother Nature, it's a force way more powerful than us.
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Originally Posted by Mad4Chaos
Now 2 years later, the kid has flunked out of school, has had 3 DUI's & is in jail because of them.
We all just do the best we can with the tools we have handy.
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@ cc88 I'm also a preachers kid. My dad was a fire & brimstone preaching minister. When we were teenagers, whenever my sister started seeing someone it was a requirement that the new boy had to go to church with us. It was fun seeing the boys pale faces as dad stomped around the pulpit, drenched in sweat yelling about the consequences of sin. Your point about free will is something that my ex-wife (sons mom) & I have taken turns explaining to one another over the years. I think we're aware that this is all his decision, but that doesn't keep it from hurting.
@ Chino When my son went to rehab, it caused me to do some true soul searching that led me to the decision to get sober myself. I got in touch with some family I hadn't spoken to in many years, & found out the addiction/genetic connection in my own family. We aren't a close family, so most of this was new info for me.
On my side of the family.
1 grandmother, 2 uncles, & 1 aunt died of complications from alcoholism.
Both deceased grandfathers were alcoholics, one was the town drunk before he found religion.
1 uncle (currently homeless) & 1 aunt are functioning alcoholics.
That's some damning info, but wait, there's more. On my sons mothers side of the family.
My sons grandfather & 2 uncles died of complications from alcohol.
He has an aunt who is an alcoholic that was diagnosed with liver cancer 3 months ago.
With that kind of family history, neither one of us had any business using any kind of drug or alcohol. Of course, had I known about it when I was young, it wouldn't have changed anything. I would have done what I wanted to do. I wanted to drink, & I drank... ah, I get it. That Free Will thing again.
Well that was therapeutic.
@ Notsosmart You were right, I kept posting, & it helped.
Now I just have to work on keeping sober myself this weekend. Right now, that seems like the easy part. : )
@ Chino When my son went to rehab, it caused me to do some true soul searching that led me to the decision to get sober myself. I got in touch with some family I hadn't spoken to in many years, & found out the addiction/genetic connection in my own family. We aren't a close family, so most of this was new info for me.
On my side of the family.
1 grandmother, 2 uncles, & 1 aunt died of complications from alcoholism.
Both deceased grandfathers were alcoholics, one was the town drunk before he found religion.
1 uncle (currently homeless) & 1 aunt are functioning alcoholics.
That's some damning info, but wait, there's more. On my sons mothers side of the family.
My sons grandfather & 2 uncles died of complications from alcohol.
He has an aunt who is an alcoholic that was diagnosed with liver cancer 3 months ago.
With that kind of family history, neither one of us had any business using any kind of drug or alcohol. Of course, had I known about it when I was young, it wouldn't have changed anything. I would have done what I wanted to do. I wanted to drink, & I drank... ah, I get it. That Free Will thing again.
Well that was therapeutic.
@ Notsosmart You were right, I kept posting, & it helped.
Now I just have to work on keeping sober myself this weekend. Right now, that seems like the easy part. : )
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Brian, I started doing the same soul searching over this past year and my daughter went to rehab in '08 (I think). I'm a deliberate 2-4 times a year binge drinker and now that's out for me. I've not experienced negative repercussions from it, in fact I planned rides or hotels, etc, but since I've acquired and accepted the knowledge it's addict behavior and drug abuse, the thrill is gone.
Looking back, it's easy to understand now how I came to be addicted to my daughter and her addiction.
Looking back, it's easy to understand now how I came to be addicted to my daughter and her addiction.
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