Caught My Son On Stealing Meds

Old 08-19-2011, 08:58 AM
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Caught My Son On Stealing Meds

This is my 1st time posting in the F&F forum, so I'll start with a brief history.

My Wife: Not the son's mother. On quite a bit of Dr. prescribed meds for anxiety/depression. Also for a back injury.

Myself: 60 days sober from alcohol (never did pills). I decided to get sober when my son went to rehab 2 months ago.

My Son: 20 yrs old, has been using pills (he liked roxys) for years. It got out of control & he went to rehab for almost 30 days in June.

A side effect of the meds my wife takes is memory loss. Bad memory loss. It's quite common for her to lose something (pills included), only to find it hours or days later. Or she forgets conversations she had with me earlier in the day, that type of thing. A few years ago, I installed a cabinet with a combination lock on it for her to keep her meds in. Sometimes she would forget & leave them out, & sometimes she would come up short on her ativan, robaxin, or her ultram as a result. It wasn't right, but it's the world we lived in. She had to lock them up to keep him out of them. I guess I was in denial, but I wasn't going to bust him on it without proof. Did she misplace/forgot she took them, or did my son steal them? I could never be sure, & my son always denied.

A week after my son returned from rehab, 15 ultram turned up missing. On the wife's part, that's a lot to misplace. But on my sons' part, it's a deal breaker. 2 or 3 missing can be explained away. 15 will definitely be noticed, 15 crosses a line that gets you thrown out of the house.

Again, I had no proof, so I couldn't bust my son on it. He had just returned from rehab with encouraging stories & learned lessons. He wouldn't go that far. I knew what he looked like when he was on something, & he had been sober. My son's mother & I have worried a lot less about him since he returned from rehab. A lot of the worry we had over the last 4 years has went away. His mother & I feel we've done everything we could to give him the tools. It's all on him now. My wife also loves my son very much. Him going to rehab made my wife worry more. He would go out, & I would say he's going to do what he wants. I didn't worry too much about it. My wife worried all evening if he was relapsing. She worried a lot of evenings like that. She also fretted about the missing ultram, & while I just waited for the ultram to turn up. Unsurprisingly, this issue caused a lot of tension between my wife & I. So installed a hidden web cam in the room with the cabinet.

For 2 weeks, nothing. But I check it today, & there it was. My son prying the hole covers off the top of the cabinet & using a screw driver to take the top of the cabinet off. He went through the bottles, found what he was looking for & pocketed them. I watched him decide he had taken too much of one thing & put some back. 3 incidents recorded. Here was the proof I never thought I'd see.

I'm sick over this. My wife had told me if we ever got "the damn proof that's so important" he was out. I've got to man up with this, & I will. But I don't know if I'll tell my wife. She doesn't handle stress well at all, & while she should be relieved that she didn't lose them, it will stress her out. I know her, she'll agree he has to go, but then worry herself sick about him. Is he in a dope house, does he have food, ect. Then she'll feel guilty about throwing him out & feel major guilt about that. She'll feel he'll relapse because we tossed him out. It's not right, but that's the way she'll feel. A lot of what I do is deflect or absorb some of life's stress to keep her from breaking down.
My son stays with friends a lot anyway, & I'll show him the proof & tell him he's got to go. My wife will probably think he just decided to stay with friends since it's near his job (we live 32 miles from where he works & his friends live). I just don't know.

About him leaving. Do I tell him he can never set foot in the house? Is he allowed after 3 months, 6 months, a year?

Right now I feel like I picked an awful time to be sober.
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Old 08-19-2011, 09:08 AM
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I'm so very sorry about your son and the entire situation is just horrible. Only you can decide how to handle your wife given her medical history, but I always felt honesty was the best policy.

As far as when or if to allow your son back into your home, well, again, that's up to you. If he wants to be a part of your life, then he knows what he has to do. He's not a child. Why put a time limit on it? He might be 100x worse in 3 months or he might be back in rehab. But, I would tell him he's not allowed in the house - period. If he's going to steal medication from your wife, what else will he steal?

Good luck and big hugs...
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Old 08-19-2011, 09:09 AM
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Oh, and do whatever you have to do to maintain your sobriety. Not sure if you're in AA or not, but whatever you use for support, it's time to reach out! Don't allow your son's actions affect your recovery. You are the only one who decides to stay sober - not your son, not your wife. You've got all the power!
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Old 08-19-2011, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Mad4Chaos View Post

She'll feel he'll relapse because we tossed him out.
He has relapsed under your nose and roof.

Your wife has the common and mistaken belief that what you do or say is going to keep him sober or cause him to relapse. She is not that powerful. None of us are.

You have given him the gift of opportunity to learn some recovery tools. You can lead a horse to water and all that. What you son does or the wife frets about is beyond your control. Have you considered attending some Alanon meetings either with your wife or solo? You have your own recovery tools and it's time to dust them off and use them to protect your own sobriety, the only thing you control.

Right now, it sounds like your healthy boundary is that you will not have users/thiefs living in your home. . He's in his 20's and it's likely time for him to take responsibility for himself and leave the family nest, regardless of the relapse.
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Old 08-19-2011, 10:59 AM
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My AD is no longer welcome in my home after she sneaked in drugs and booze.

She has to have a minimum of 2 years solid recovery before she sets foot in my front door.

That time period is based on her past behavior.

I will never give her a place to temporarily live again either.

I'm sorry you are going through this so early in your sobriety! I've been through more crisis clean/sober than I ever went through prior to recovery.

Take good care of yourself and hang onto your recovery like the precious seed that it is.
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Old 08-19-2011, 11:35 AM
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So sorry to hear. We expect to be ripped off by strangers but your home and family should be a safe zone. It sucks when that's not the case.

My parents let my addict brother in the house but dont give him money or a place to stay or anything. They insist that that isn't enabling. I disagree. I've been talking with them a while now trying to get them to realize that him being allowed to visit with the family and see the babies and have meals whenever he wants IS enabling.

Maybe im wrong on this, others should have a better idea. But seeing as he was caught stealing, I'd say you have more of a reason to ban him from your house entirely.
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Old 08-19-2011, 11:50 AM
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CC88: Totally agree with you.
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Old 08-19-2011, 01:27 PM
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Neither of my sons can live here, after years of battling their addictions.

I wouldn't really care if they're sober for 10 years, they cannot move back in.
They can visit, and I lock everything up, but that's about all.

You may want to think about investing in a tumble combination lock.

AND your wife should be using a daily pill container that has a weeks worth of meds in it.
Prescription drugs are way to easy to abuse.


Sounds like you have your hands full.

Solution: Alanon mtgs. good support, good info.

hugs, and keep posting.
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Old 08-19-2011, 05:02 PM
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I also believe that you have two addicts in your home. One hidden under the blanket of a prescription drug user, the other a street user.

If he has overstepped a boundry, then you need to follow through, and, he needs to leave. Set a realistic date, like 2 weeks then he must leave. He is an adult, allow him the dignity to find his own way, to hopefully learn to become a responsibile adult.

As for you, meetings, meetings and more meetings, your recovery first. There needs to be one healthy person in this family, tag, your it!

Keep posting we are here for you.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:28 AM
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I spoke to my son about the theft, & it went as I expected it to. Lots of tears, shame & apologies. I told him he needed to leave because all the trust I had was gone, ect. So he packed some things & left. He always acts like the victim when he gets called out on something, "Poor me, all the shame & heart ache I must endure because I betrayed my family!" type thing.

I took the cabinet that the meds are locked in & took it apart. With the amount of glue & screws I used to put it back together, he'll need a hammer to get back in it.

As for my wife, 2 of the medications list memory loss & 1 lists amnesia as a side effect. I've been to appointments with her, & her doctor tells me I have a choice. I can have a forgetful wife somewhat bipolar wife, or an extreme bipolar manic depressive wife. On top of that Alzheimer's runs in her family, & we're concerned that my wife (she's almost 50) may be showing early symptoms. I know this just sounds like I'm trying to justify all this. But as an alcoholic who, for the most part, hid my disease from my wife for 15 years I feel I know what to look for. And I have, & will continue to look for signs. I'm a realist, so I realize I may be wrong. I'll just have to watch how things play out. But I do appreciate all the replies & encouragement. You guys definitely helped me out in this situation.

Thanks,

Brian
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