tigger11

Written Oct 2009 a year and a half into my marriage with AH

Your Anger

Without a word, you leave
and abandon me
to sleep

Your anger
is a black hole that draws me
into its depths

I am alone until you return
from its depths...
a day, a week, a month, six,
more this time?

I never know when it'll appear
how strong it'll be
how long it will last
or how much you'll deny it

"I'm not angry"
you'll say
suggesting I'm using
the wrong word
to define it
rendering my emotion
and my ability to define it
invalid

You say;
"it's not you"
but with every sigh
every silent moment
every curse
you make it obvious
that it it

On tiptoe
I try not to rile you
with words, actions
expressions, sounds

Do I deserve this?
Am I so bad, or so wrong?

If I change
will it stop?
Tell me what to change
for eventually
this dark hole
will swallow me

tigger11

My Mum found this poem that I wrote 2 years ago. The man hasn't changed. Only gotten worse. I left him, no contact, for a year. Missed him with an aching heart for a year. For a year, I fueled the fire that was hope inside me. Hope that'd he'd want me back, that he'd have learned from being apart all that time, gotten help, gotten reasonable. Most of you reading this know that it was false, codependent, sick hope on my part. We've been sort of back together a year now, and it's worse. Huge surprise. Thank God I didn't move back in with him, but kept my apartment with my 17YO son, and my two wonderful doggies, and occasional foster dogs.

For the first few months back together, it was honeymoon-like. So wonderful. They give us crumbs that hook our hearts back into their trap. I can hope WAY beyond all logic. Apparently, as I've learned in the past few months, I can hope until it nearly kills me. In spite of being on Lexipro, occasional Xanax, and a year and a half of counseling, it took me a year to decide to leave him again. I haven't seen him in about a month, but we've been "talking", mostly arguing via email. Last week in my counselor's office, I promised to go no contact for a week, doubting my ability to go longer, hoping to re-up the promise another week and so on.

Does this mean I'll divorce him? I don't know. Probably eventually get divorced. Not looking forward to that. He'll want me to shoulder more of the burden of debt than I should, and he's the one who wracked most of it up. But hey... the longer I wait, the more he'll spend on credit. There'll be a long battle that will cost goo gobs of $'s. Ugh.

That's my story. Please pray.

Tigg

wister

Powerful. TFS!

Happiness Fairy

Wow Tigger - what a beautiful poem. It brought tears to my eyes; I feel every word that you wrote.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Totally agree w/ Wister - Powerful!