Your Anger - a poem Written Oct 2009 a year and a half into my marriage with AH Your Anger Without a word, you leave and abandon me to sleep Your anger is a black hole that draws me into its depths I am alone until you return from its depths... a day, a week, a month, six, more this time? I never know when it'll appear how strong it'll be how long it will last or how much you'll deny it "I'm not angry" you'll say suggesting I'm using the wrong word to define it rendering my emotion and my ability to define it invalid You say; "it's not you" but with every sigh every silent moment every curse you make it obvious that it it On tiptoe I try not to rile you with words, actions expressions, sounds Do I deserve this? Am I so bad, or so wrong? If I change will it stop? Tell me what to change for eventually this dark hole will swallow me |
My Mum found this poem that I wrote 2 years ago. The man hasn't changed. Only gotten worse. I left him, no contact, for a year. Missed him with an aching heart for a year. For a year, I fueled the fire that was hope inside me. Hope that'd he'd want me back, that he'd have learned from being apart all that time, gotten help, gotten reasonable. Most of you reading this know that it was false, codependent, sick hope on my part. We've been sort of back together a year now, and it's worse. Huge surprise. Thank God I didn't move back in with him, but kept my apartment with my 17YO son, and my two wonderful doggies, and occasional foster dogs. For the first few months back together, it was honeymoon-like. So wonderful. They give us crumbs that hook our hearts back into their trap. I can hope WAY beyond all logic. Apparently, as I've learned in the past few months, I can hope until it nearly kills me. In spite of being on Lexipro, occasional Xanax, and a year and a half of counseling, it took me a year to decide to leave him again. I haven't seen him in about a month, but we've been "talking", mostly arguing via email. Last week in my counselor's office, I promised to go no contact for a week, doubting my ability to go longer, hoping to re-up the promise another week and so on. Does this mean I'll divorce him? I don't know. Probably eventually get divorced. Not looking forward to that. He'll want me to shoulder more of the burden of debt than I should, and he's the one who wracked most of it up. But hey... the longer I wait, the more he'll spend on credit. There'll be a long battle that will cost goo gobs of $'s. Ugh. That's my story. Please pray. Tigg |
Powerful. TFS! |
Wow Tigger - what a beautiful poem. It brought tears to my eyes; I feel every word that you wrote. Thank you for sharing this with us. Totally agree w/ Wister - Powerful! |
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